Being an anti-meanie isn’t all fun and games. Truth be told, the title actually carries some very grave responsibilities. First and foremost is this: You must now—before God, Jon Stewart, and whoever’s sleeping next to you (even if these entities are one and the same)—make a solemn oath. You must swear to never, ever use the word “irregardless.”
This is not an imperative to be taken lightly. On the contrary, this is war, people. We must never give the enemy fodder. No one word has more power to discredit our cause. One ill-timed utterance of the word “irregardless” and the snobs have all the reason they need to write you off and dismiss every word you speak thereafter.
They don’t care that “irregardless” actually is a word. They don’t care how many dictionaries you open up and point to the word “irregardless” sandwiched somewhere between “irrational” and “irregularity.” Confronted with this documentation, a seasoned grammar snob will merely snort and point to the definition next to the word—the definition that says that “irregardless” means—that’s right—“regardless.” Why on earth, they ask, would any educated person use such a lame bastardization of a simple word unless she was trying to sound smarter than she really is? Is it possible that the speaker is jumbling up the nearly synonymous words “regardless” and “irrespective”? the snob might ask in a patronizing tone.
Obviously this is a slip-up we can’t afford. Therefore, you must do everything in your power to avert such a strategic catastrophe. But if, despite all your best efforts, this word does accidentally escape your lips in the presence of a predatory grammar snob, your only hope is to “commit to the choice,” as they say in acting and improv classes. Don’t flinch; don’t blink; don’t let her see you sweat. Just lean back, suck a little imaginary food from your teeth, and say, “Are you tellin’ me that ‘irregardless’ ain’t a word?”
This is the linguistic equivalent of a sucker punch, but it will achieve the desired result. Your opponent will become flabbergasted with rage and say something like, “Oh, heavens!” or, “For goodness’ sake!” (It’s the closest meanies come to cussing; not even scientists understand why this is.) “I can’t believe that someone who actually uses the word ‘ain’t’ is trying to tell me how to use the language!”
To which you reply, naturally, “Are you tellin’ me that ‘ain’t’ ain’t a word?”
At this point her head will explode, and you’ll be the clear victor in a decidedly dirty war. To class things up a bit, you might want to send a note to her family expressing your condolences. In your note, mention that her last wish was that the following appear on her grave marker: “Beloved daughter, sister, and friend, irregardless of anything you might have heard about her.”
Now, while such an aggressive defense can save you from an accident involving “irregardless,” there are other traps from which there is no escape. For example, if you pronounce the word “supposedly” with a “b,” you’re screwed. The dictionary won’t help you here. Using your own shortcomings as a weapon by trotting out words like “ain’t” will only dig you further into your hole. The word is “suppos-ED-ly,” not “suppos-AB-ly.” Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
If you’re from the Boston area, you have a unique vulnerability to grammar snobs against which you must shield yourself. People from some parts north, including Beantown, have a tendency to say things like, “I should have went.” Call it the Curse of the Participle-ino. But if the team that sold Babe Ruth can overcome its curse, then there’s hope for us all. Just remember to say, “I should have gone,” whenever you’re in the presence of a potential snob. It’s just a rule, but one that simply must be observed if we are ever to maintain enough credibility with the meanies necessary to achieve our goal of making them cry.