I’m writing this chapter while naked: completely, utterly, and magnificently naked. To help you form a mental picture, I’ll mention that I look a lot like Pamela Anderson—that is, if you’re a man. I look a lot like George Clooney if you’re a woman. I bear a striking resemblance to Jude Law if you’re not sure. And, if you’re Rhea Perlman, I’m the spitting image of a young Danny DeVito.
I stripped down to my birthday suit to get into the spirit of the steamy, sexy subject of this chapter: the predicate nominative. Those of you already familiar with the term are, no doubt, already tingling with anticipation. The rest of you—the virgins to the subject, if you will—should prepare for a life-changing experience that will leave you breathless, spent, yet yearning for more.
Ready? Here we go. Have you ever wondered why it is that when you call, for example, my house and ask to speak with the naked sex symbol, I answer, “This is she”? (Or, to keep with the Clooney, Law, and DeVito examples, fill in, “This is he,” “This is it,” or “Are you lookin’ at my butt?” respectively). Why would I say “she” or “he” instead of “him” or “her”? That is to say, why would I use the subject pronoun instead of the object pronoun?
Before I answer that, let me slip into this claw-foot tub full of hot, steamy water and bountiful bubbles. Aah! Delicious, isn’t it?
Now where was I? Oh, yes. With most sentences, the object of the verb should be the object pronoun. If you’ll remember from chapter 2, “I,” “he,” “she,” “we,” and “they” are subjects and “me,” “him,” “her,” “us,” and “them” are objects. If anyone asked you whether you’ve ever pictured Jude Law naked you would say, “I’ve pictured him.” You wouldn’t say, “I pictured he.” The reason, as all you eager enthusiasts have already guessed, is the predicate nominative.
Here’s how it works. Whenever you have a noun or pronoun, followed by a form of the verb “to be,” followed by another noun or pronoun that’s basically the same as the first noun or pronoun, that’s called the predicate nominative. Isn’t that just spine-tingly-ingly? For a little refresher on the verb “to be,” it is conjugated “am,” “are,” “is,” and so on, as in, “I ‘am’ naked,” “You ‘are’ watching,” “He ‘is’ a magnificent specimen,” “We ‘are’ very bad,” and so on. That’s the verb “to be.”
So, to form a predicate nominative, you’d sandwich this sexy verb between twins, if you will. In fact, you might want to use the following little mnemonic device to help you remember: “ ‘To be’ sandwiched between twins.”
For example, in the sentence, “That magnificent silhouette is a naked George Clooney,” “That silhouette” and “George Clooney” are the twins. They refer to the same thing.
Now, you ask, why would you need to know this very sexy yet seemingly useless piece of information? To which I’d answer: You’re as smart as you are sexy. Because, in the above example, knowing the term “predicate nominative” is completely unnecessary. Even easier is to think of them as “reversible sentences.” “George Clooney is your secret lover.” “Your secret lover is George Clooney.”
We should pause here because I’m all goose-bumpy. Better turn this little knob marked “hot” and steam things up a bit. There. Much better. Now, back to business. Only when pronouns get involved is it even worth knowing the predicate nominative, and that’s because of a silly old rule we naughty little grammar vixens like to break as often as we can. The rule is that when the second of the twins is a pronoun instead of a noun, you use the subject pronoun instead of the object. “That glistening, bubble-covered goddess is I.”
I know you like to be bad, so I already know what you’re thinking: No way are you going to start talking like that. To which I say, I admire how big and strong and bold and rebellious you are.
And I’ll let you in on a little secret. I taught you this rule just so you can have fun breaking it. You see, uptight, repressed meanies who could use a tubful of Clooney themselves will tell you it’s naughty to say things like, “The naked girl you saw? Why, that was me!” or “The sexy guy in scrubs is him.” Technically, they’re right. In formal English, you should end those two sentences in “I” and “he,” respectively.
But when it comes to sinfully sidestepping this rule: Everybody’s doing it. So do it all you want. I won’t tell.
Now, for any and all of you who might accuse me of using sex to sell an otherwise brain-numbingly boring subject such as the predicate nominative, I say shame on you! You deserve a spanking. To receive your punishment, please form two lines, one in front of Pamela Anderson’s house, the other in front of George Clooney’s.