In my research for this book, I have just unearthed a shocking archaeological discovery, a bone-chilling relic that explains more about our language than perhaps we wanted to know. It’s a very old newspaper article and I’ll let it speak for itself.
SATAN UNVEILS NEW LANGUAGE
“ENGLISH” TO TORMENT HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF SOULS WITH “DEVILISHLY IMPOSSIBLE” VOCABULARYBy Bernie Crisp
Underworld Times Staff Writer
HADES—The Prince of Darkness this week unveiled a new language he claims will one day terrorize more than half the planet with vocabulary so illogical and treacherous it amounts to a field of “verbal land mines.”
“All who doubt my evil majesty, behold: ‘flammable’ and ‘inflammable’ are the same!” Mephistopheles said in a press conference on Thursday. “In this new language, your founder can flounder and your flounder can founder! You can be fazed by a phase or phase out being fazed. You can click with a clique. You can feign a feint until you’re so faint that you faint! You can hoard your hoard or even a whole horde! You can rein in your reign in the rain! You can complement a compliment or compliment a complement. This is the suffering I unleash on the world. I am Satan!”
The Dark Lord then went on to explain to reporters the goal of this new mechanism of evil.
“Untold millions will stumble; they will fall. And the only way they will be able to escape their eternal shame is by making a pact with me! I am Satan!”
Beelzebub then disappeared in a loud burst of smoke and flame, leaving press secretary Simon Cowell to field further questions. Much to the media’s surprise, Cowell began handing out press kits that contained comprehensive guides to the new language’s vocabulary.
“Doesn’t it defeat the purpose of creating cryptic language if you hand out a guide to that language?” a reporter from the Tupelo Star-Pentagram asked.
“Ah, but you underestimate Lucifer,” Cowell said. “For herein lies the true evil genius of his plan. All the information—everything you need—to be completely successful within this system will be readily available and right at your fingertips. That way, when you fail—and you will fail—you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.”
Cowell also said this philosophy will be the basis of a new economic system called “capitalism,” but declined to disclose further details.
A sidebar to the newspaper article contained the complete Devil’s Vocabulary, which is reprinted here.
WORDS DESIGNED TO TORMENT AND CONFUSE ALL WHO DO NOT BOW TO ME
By Lucifer S.B.D.D.L.P.o.D. Mephistopheles, Esq.
Abstruse/Obtuse —“Abstruse”: something that’s difficult to understand. “Obtuse”: someone who has difficulty understanding: blunt, dull.
Adverse/Averse/Aver —“Adverse” shall mean unfavorable. “Averse” shall mean reluctant. The subtle similarity of the two shall forever torment all who attempt to wield these words. For those who master their use, I create a third just to confuse. That word shall be “aver,” a verb meaning to declare something to be true, to state positively, or to affirm. I am Satan!
Allude/Elude/Illude —To “allude” is to make an indirect reference to something. To “elude” is to avoid being caught. To “illude” is a very rare word meaning “to deceive.” I am Satan!
Alternate/Alternative —“Alternate” will be a verb and an adjective meaning to substitute one thing for another, such as an alternate route, or taking turns. It shall also be a noun describing such a substitute. “Alternative” means a choice between things. Only the Chicago Manual of Style will even bother trying to explain the difference, and when they do, they will explain it in words as vague as the ones above. I am Satan!
Among/Between —“Among” is best reserved for groups of three or more, whereas “between” usually refers to just two. “Miss Lewinsky thought her words were just between us. But among those listening in were some devious people.” I am Satan, in cooperation with the contributor of the above example, Linda Tripp.
Appraise/Apprise —“Appraise” is to judge the quality, value, or worth of something. “Apprise” is to inform or notify.
Ascent/Assent —“Ascent” is the act of rising, climbing, or advancing. “Assent” is to agree, go along with, or accept an opinion, proposal, etcetera. (I, Satan, grow weary of saying, “I am Satan!” Know ye that I am Satan without me having to repeat, “I am Satan!”—Satan.)
Awake/Awaken/Wake/Wake up —Because people will have so much need for a word to describe rising from sleep, I create a word grouping so unnecessarily complicated that Garner’s Modern American Usage will one day write, “The past-tense and past-participial forms of ‘wake’ and its various siblings are perhaps the most vexing in the language.” The most common, “wake up,” will have two forms known by all and a third known to none. “Today I wake up.” “Yesterday I woke up.” And (the obscure one) “In the past I have waked up.” Many will think it’s “I have woken up.” “Woken” will be a legitimate word, but not used with “up.” “Woken” shall be an accepted past participle of “wake,” especially in British English. As the queen might say, “On many days I have woken in my palace.” As one of her American counterparts might say, “On many days I have waked to another day of being Britney Spears.” The most important part of my evil plan, however, stems from having four similar terms to describe the exact same thing. The person who ventures to use any besides the common “wake up” shall find himself in a bog. Those four and their past and participle forms are as follows: wake/woke/waked (or woken); awake/awoke/awaked; awaken/awakened/awakened; and wake up/woke up/waked up.
Baited/Bated —The word “bated” shall be virtually unused except in the common expression “bated breath,” which the whole world will naturally assume should be spelled “baited.” The whole world will be wrong. I am Satan, and even though I led you to believe I would stop saying, “I am Satan,” I am free to say, “I am Satan!” whenever my own evilness so inspires me. I am Satan!
Calvary/Cavalry —“Calvary” is the place near Jerusalem where the crucifixion of Jesus took place, an outdoor representation of the crucifixion of Jesus, or any experience involving intense pain or anguish. A “cavalry” is a group of combat troops on horses or riding in armored vehicles. (This one’s too easy even for me—Satan.)
Cite/Site/Sight —A police officer “cites” you by writing you a ticket. He may do so at the “site” (location) of your crime, which you might have committed in plain “sight.” If you try to flee, the officer can shoot you if only he can “set his sights” (of his gun) on you.
Clique/Click —A clique is a small, exclusive club, like all those pretty girls in school who always got to go out with the big-man-on-campus types while we less-slutty girls had to sit home dreaming of the day when we’d get our revenge. “Click” is the sound a phone makes when someone’s tapping the line. (Another underworld shout-out to Ms. Tripp for her poignant example. I am Satan! )
Compliment/Complement —To “compliment” is to flatter or say something nice. To “complement” is to go well with something else. “Complimentary” can mean flattering and also free of charge. “Complementary” means something goes well with another.
Compose/Comprise —Unlike “compose,” “comprise” never goes with the word “of.” Further, “compose” and “comprise” function almost as opposites. Language is “composed of” words. Words “comprise” language.
Council/Counsel —A “council” shall be the group of people who wield their cruel power over your town’s potholes and stop signs. “Counsel” shall be a verb meaning to give advice and a noun referring to my own advocates, the people who give this advice, lawyers.
Decent/Descent/Dissent —One day, observers will see my work in the field of television programming and proclaim, “TV was decent before its descent into nothing but pundits’ mindless dissent.”
Deserts/Desserts —There shall be a word called “desserts,” which shall refer to certain sweet edible things. There shall be a word called “deserts,” which refers to arid lands. Then there shall be a third word that sounds just like the first one, is spelled just like the second one, yet means neither. That word shall be “deserts” and it shall be completely unused except in one well-known figure of speech—“to get one’s just deserts.” No one except those who make pacts with me will ever grasp that it hails from the word “deserve,” as in, “to get what one deserves.” To further confuse the entire English-speaking world, restaurant critics, paying their dues to me in hopes of someday becoming film critics, shall make nonstop puns of “just desserts.” I am Satan!
Disburse/Disperse —Give me money, then get out of here.
Disc/Disk —One day, when the land of my new language has fallen to computers, a compact or video disc inserted into a computer shall be spelled with a “c,” as shall the brakes of a car. The word disk with a “k” shall refer to all other disk-shaped objects as well as the floppy disk, which is also inserted into a computer but is not shaped like a disk at all. I am Satan!
Discreet/Discrete —The first shall mean “sneaky,” the second shall mean “separate.”
Drier/Dryer —If you’re “drier,” you shall be less moist than someone else. If you’re a “dryer,” you’re an appliance.
Drink/Drank/Drunk/Drunken —Today I drink. Yesterday I drank. Many times I have drunk. This always makes me drunk, which is why I’m considered a drunken bum.
Ensure/Insure —Only the evil entities one day to be known as insurance companies shall have the power to insure. For all uses besides this form of legal gambling, the correct word shall be “ensure,” which shall mean to guarantee or make certain.
Epic/Epoch —“Epic” means heroic, momentous, or grand. It is also a heroic literary work. An “epoch” is a time period or especially a milestone in time.
Faint/Feint/Feign —“Faint” shall be a verb meaning to lose consciousness and an adjective meaning weak, dizzy, or hard to hear or see. “Feint” shall be a noun or verb meaning to fake out an opponent with a false punch, either literally or figuratively. “Feign” shall be a verb meaning to fake someone out by making up an excuse or making a false show: “I feigned a headache.”
Farther/Further —“Farther” shall apply only to distances that can be physically measured, be it by ruler, yardstick, tachometer, or some micro-measuring device. “Further” shall mean to advance something or shall refer to figurative distances. For example, one day a governor of a great state shall further his agenda of trying to change the pronunciation of “California.” “Further” shall also mean “more,” “additional,” “additionally,” etcetera, further adding to the confusion with “farther.”
Faze/Phase —The first one shall linger only in contexts such as, “That didn’t faze me,” and “He was unfazed by the news.” Thus, it shall be so rare that no one will know it when they hear it and will instead think they’re hearing the common word “phase.”
Filet/Fillet —The person who takes an interest in the subject shall be told that the first is for beef, the second for fish. She shall scratch her head at first, but later pat her own back with pride as she flaunts her wisdom to others. Then, one day, the reckoning will come. She will need verification. She shall open the Chicago Manual of Style and find nothing to confirm her long-held belief. Then, in increasing panic, she shall open the AP Stylebook, Garner’s Modern American Usage, Lapsing into a Comma, and the Oxford English Grammar—none of which shall contain such entries. In a desperate final move, she shall open a dictionary, which shall tell her that a “fillet” is “a lean, boneless piece of meat” or “a flat, boneless slice cut lengthwise from the side of a fish.” She will try to save face by concluding that the single-“l” “filet” must simply be short for the French “filet mignon.” But her confidence shall be forever shattered. I am Satan!
Flammable/Inflammable —To say something is inflammable is to say it can be set on fire, that is, it is able to be “inflamed.” Yet the syllable “in” will be confused with the prefix “in,” which means “not.” Some will believe “inflammable” means not burnable. Many hellish blazes will result. Then, one day, a false prophet will emerge with a plan to save the earth by creating the word “flammable.” Fires will be averted, but the human race will burn with frustration over the fact that these two opposite-sounding words are synonyms. I am Satan!
Flaunt/Flout —To “flaunt” shall mean to show off. To “flout” shall mean to blatantly disregard or to treat with contempt.
Flesh out/Flush out —To “flesh out” shall be to figuratively put flesh onto bone, “to flesh out an idea.” To “flush out” shall be a way to extract a rabbit from the bushes should you want to remove its flesh from its bones.
Flier/Flyer —Authorities shall go back and forth on this, one day agreeing that, in American English, the correct word is “flier” for both handbills and aviators and that “flyer” should be used only as part of proper names, such as “Radio Flyer.”
Forbear/Forebear —No one shall care much what these words mean, yet unlike “filet” and “fillet,” every stylebook shall offer instruction on them. “Forbear” shall be a verb meaning to tolerate. “Forebear” shall be a noun meaning ancestor. It can be remembered by picturing one’s hairy father on a golf course, a bear yelling, “Fore!” But that device shall be far too silly for anyone to write down. The past tense of “forbear” shall be “forbore,” its participle “forborne.” “I forbore my forebear, who has forborne others before me.” I am silly Satan!
Founder/Flounder —The first shall mean to sink. The second shall mean to flop around, as a fish might.
Gibe/Jibe/Jive —This trio shall be an important axis of evil in the English-speaking world, with overlapping confusion so widespread that almost no one will be able to get them straight. And within this mess, people will fail to see the single most useful bit of information: that “jibe” is the correct choice in expressions such as, “His words don’t jibe with his actions.” They might remember this by making a mnemonic with the “j” and the “b,” such as, “James Brown’s music doesn’t jibe with the standards set by Johann Bach.” But they shall get too bogged down in the less-useful “gibe,” which also begins with a “j” sound and means to make heckling or mocking remarks. “Jive,” which shall find its primary usefulness in films such as Superfly, shall mean either to get funky or to tease or mock.
Grisly/Grizzly —The first shall mean gruesome. The second shall refer mostly to bears but possess the arcane history of originating from the fact that brown grizzly bears actually have silver-tipped fur. “Grizzly” shall thus continue to mean “grayish.” Everyone shall think that a “grizzled” old man is one who is tough and weathered, though in fact it only means that his hair and/or beard are grayish.
Healthy/Healthful —This shall be a favorite weapon for some, who shall hold that, technically, “healthy” means a person or thing in good health, while “healthful” means something that promotes good health. But even those who stand for this truth will be forced to concede that, as the Chicago Manual of Style puts it, “ ‘healthy’ is gradually taking over both senses.” Though “a healthy diet” is incorrect, practically everyone will say it this way. I am Satan!
Hoard/Horde —“Hoard” shall mean to accumulate or an accumulation, the “a” in “accumulate” reminding people of the “a” in “hoard.” A “horde” shall mean a large group of people or a nomadic tribe, the “e” serving as a convenient reminder of “everybody” in the horde. Yet most shall never take note of this simple fact.
Home in/Hone in —The first shall originate from homing pigeons, the second shall not exist at all except in the minds of confused people who became confused by the confusion of others who came before them. To assure their continued confusion, there shall be a word called “hone,” which shall mean to sharpen, to yearn, or to grumble. But there shall never be the expression “hone in.”
Imply/Infer —Most people will not confuse these two words. That will be true in part because it will be so common for people to say, “What are you implying?” But people proud of themselves for knowing the difference will assume that everyone else has trouble with them. Yet nearly everyone will understand that a speaker or writer “implies” something, that is, suggests something. A reader or listener “infers” something, that is, reads between the lines.
Lead/Led —This choice shall trick the ear of even people who know that the past tense of “lead” is “led.” “Today I lead a horse to water.” “Yesterday I led a horse to water.” However, “lead” shall also be a metal whose name is pronounced just like “led,” causing people who know better to write, incorrectly, “Yesterday I lead a horse.” I am Satan!
Lend/Loan —Experts will disagree and give conflicting and confusing instruction. One, Bill Walsh, will offer the practical advice that, to escape “the word nerds’ wrath,” use “lend” as a verb and “loan” as a noun. This shall make some tempted to correct others who use “loan” as a verb for lending money and “lend” as a verb for lending anything else. Yet this distinction shall be defended by some as well.
Less than/Under, More than/Over —Let the misperception spread far and wide across the land that “less than” and “more than” refer to quantities and “under” and “over” refer to physical locations. This misperception will thus conclude that it’s wrong to say, “He received just under a million votes.” Let educated people far and wide fall victim to this misperception, only to one day realize they are supported by none and ridiculed by one. “The charge that ‘over’ is inferior to ‘more than’ is a baseless crotchet,” Bryan Warner shall write. All who read his words will immediately run to their dictionaries to look up the word “crotchet,” thereby completely forgetting the lessons regarding “over” and “under.” I am Satan!
Libel/Liable —“Libel” shall be a written statement that is both malicious and false and therefore fodder for my minions at the American Bar Association. “Liable” shall mean likely or accountable. “She who writes bad things about me is liable to be sued for libel and will thereby be liable for paying a large cash settlement.”
Loath/Loathe —The one without the “e” at the end shall mean reluctant. The one with the “e” shall mean to hate.
Lob/Lop —“Lob” shall mean to throw. “Lop” shall mean to cut off. To illustrate this difference, I sacrifice my only begotten son, John Wayne Bobbitt.
Nauseous/Nauseated —Let my minions Strunk and White record it in their evil book as follows: “The first means ‘sickening to contemplate’; the second means ‘sick at the stomach.’ Do not, therefore, say, ‘I feel nauseous,’ unless you are sure you have that effect on others.” Let all who speak the word “nauseous” thereafter use it in a way considered incorrect by Strunk and White and also by the vast majority of language experts, never realizing that they’re saying that they themselves are sickening to others! Yet let them be at the same time led in the opposite direction by a most respected tome, The New Fowler’s Modern English Usage, third edition. “Any handbook that tells you that ‘nauseous’ cannot mean ‘nauseated’ is out of touch with the contemporary language.” I am Satan!
Normalcy/Normality —One shall be more popular than the other, therefore I rule that the other shall be more respectable. “Normality” is thus preferred until the day when people stop saying “normalcy.” At that point, I shall change the rule. To facilitate this confusion, both shall be legal.
Palate/Palette/Pallet —“Palate” shall be the roof of the mouth. I shall remember this through the embarrassingly corny mnemonic, “My pal ate.” “Palette” shall mean a board on which an artist smears paint, whose two t’s I shall remember by thinking of “Tiny Toulouse-Lautrec.” A “pallet” shall be a low platform for stacking items in a warehouse and also a small bed. I shall remember its two l’s with, “Let’s lift this pallet.”
Peaceable/Peaceful —Like “healthful” and “healthy,” these two will be so commonly confused as to almost render the rule moot. The first shall be an attitude. The second shall be a circumstance. A nation disinclined to war shall be peaceable. A serene morning or a violence-free resolution shall be a “peaceful morning” and a “peaceful resolution,” respectively. Yet nearly every newspaper in the land shall defy this rule by sometimes writing of peaceful nations and peaceful people.
Peak/Pique —A “peak” shall mean the top of something. The verb “to pique” shall mean to arouse or provoke, as in “to pique one’s curiosity.”
Pore/Pour —One who reads a book very carefully “pores” over it. One who dumps a full mug of coffee onto its pages “pours” onto it.
Premier/Premiere —“Premier,” besides its meaning as a leader of a country, is an adjective meaning first, foremost, or most important: “Satan is the universe’s premier creator of mean-spirited vocabularies.” A “premiere” is the first performance or showing of something—a movie, a play, a television show. Only the one with the “e” at the end, “premiere,” has a verb form: To premiere is to exhibit something for the first time.
Pretense/Pretext —“Pretense” shall mean to fake or put on a false show. “Pretext” shall mean a lie or deliberate deceit. No person shall ever be one hundred percent confident in his grasp of this vague distinction. I am Satan!
Principal/Principle —This pairing shall be no more difficult than any other pair of synonyms. “Principal” shall be a noun meaning a person who heads a school or an adjective meaning first in rank or importance. “Principle” shall mean an ethical standard or a guiding fact, such as a “scientific principle.” Yet this pairing shall carry its own, unique evil in that countless pasty, middle-aged people across the country will torment children with the excruciatingly unwitty witticism, “Your principal is your pal.”
Rack/Wrack —This pair shall be among my favorite torture devices because the first refers to a torture device. “To rack” is to stretch, as if on the infamous rack. Therefore, to think really hard about something will be to “rack one’s brain,” meaning “to stretch one’s brain.” To “wrack” is to destroy, that is, to wreck. As a noun, a “wrack” is also an utter destruction. Some will stray from my meanings to say that the two verbs “wrack” and “rack” can be used almost interchangeably. No one will know whom to believe, and thus these words will wreak havoc on the world.
Raise/Raze —“To raise” shall mean to bring up. “To raze” shall mean to tear down. I am Satan!
Reek/Wreak —To wreak havoc shall require a “w.” To reek shall be merely to stink.
Rein/Reign —The one with the “g” shall mean to rule or govern, like a king. It could be easily remembered that the “g” is for “govern.” Yet no one shall take heed. Most shall confuse the reins of the horse with the power of a governor, not realizing the correct phrase is “to rein in.”
Sensual/Sensuous —Let my minions at the Chicago Manual of Style put it thusly: “What is ‘sensual’ involves indulgence of the senses—especially sexual gratification. What is ‘sensuous’ usually applies to aesthetic enjoyment; only hack writers imbue the word with salacious connotations.” Let every writer who finds this description less than clear cower in shame over being a “hack.” I am Satan!
Slay/Sleigh/Sleight —To “slay” shall be to kill. Its forms shall be: “Today I slay,” “Yesterday I slew,” “Recently I have slain.” Many will print “slayed” instead of “slew,” misleading others to do the same. A “sleigh” shall be what Santa drives while he’s delivering copies of my thinly veiled tool of evil that shall be known as the Harry Potter books. “Sleight” shall mean cunning or power of deception and shall only be heard in the expression “sleight of hand.” Many will assume that it’s spelled “slight” of hand because they’re pronounced the same.
Troop/Troupe —A “troop” shall be a group of soldiers. A “troupe” shall mean a group of circus actors or other performers. One can remember this with the mnemonic, “U are such a drama queen.” Likewise, a “trooper” shall be a police officer. A “trouper” shall be one who handles adversity well. The clear implication of this is to suggest that a member of an acting troupe suffers much more adversity than a cop.
Waver/Waiver —To “waver” shall be to go back and forth. A “waiver” shall be a formal relinquishment of a right. Therefore, there’s no “I” in “unwavering.”
Wet/Whet —The first shall mean moist. The second shall mean to stimulate, make keen, or sharpen, such as “whetting one’s appetite.” I am Satan!