In an episode of The Simpsons, mother Marge says she wishes she were going to the grammar rodeo. Then she pauses and wonders aloud, “Or is it, I wish I was going to the grammar rodeo?” Turns out there was no need to second-guess herself. She’d gotten it right the first time.
In another episode, the Simpsons find themselves mixed up with a motorcycle gang, the Hell’s Satans. When Marge pronounces the word “résumé” by putting the stress on the last vowel, a biker named Ramrod politely questions her choice. “I believe it’s pronounced ‘RÉ-su-mé.’ ” The leader of this drunken and violent gang, played by John Goodman, intervenes: “Actually, both are acceptable.”
Then there’s the very old episode in which aspiring scout Bart is studying knife safety. The book he reads discusses “The Do’s and Don’ts” of safely using knives—an expression that the writers or the animators or someone managed to punctuate well.
When the Springfield Elementary school bus washes up on a deserted island, Bart says, in surprisingly correct verb conjugation, “We should have just swum for it.”
When the Simpsons attend a WNBA game, Bart hollers to basketball pro Lisa Leslie, “You got game.” Leslie’s reply: “You mean I have game.” Bart then cheers, “You go, girl!” Leslie replies, “Yes, I will depart, lest your bad grammar rub off on me.”
These impressive examples of language wisdom were uncovered as part of a highly scientific survey of broadcast television programming in which I set out to identify the most grammatically and linguistically superior show on television. My research went as follows: I watched hours and hours of Simpsons episodes, sometimes three reruns a day. I did this for the better part of a decade. I watched and rewatched reruns I’d rewatched before. I watched new episodes while also recording them so that I could watch them again the next day. I watched so many Simpsons episodes that I could recite some lines before they were spoken. I watched so many that I lost the ability to relate to three-dimensional beings. I watched these Simpsons episodes—and not much else.
At the end of this thorough and scientific survey period, I deduced conclusively that The Simpsons is indeed the most grammatically and linguistically savvy show on television. (I had suspected as much.) Where else can you hear an eight-year-old use words like “perspicacity” and “phallocentric”? Where else can you hear anyone use the word “crapulence”? What other cartoon has written scripts that include definitions for “abattoir” (slaughterhouse), “voluptuary” (a sensualist), and “satiety” (the state of being sated)?
The Simpsons writers got it right when they wrote “Ladies’ Night” on a sign at the Quimby compound. They got it right when Patty said of her deceased aunt Gladys, “She was a role model for Selma and me.” They scored when, in a recent episode, Lisa explained to Homer the difference between “imply” and “infer.” And the show received the ultimate linguistic honor when Homer’s trademark exclamation, “D’oh!” won a spot in the Oxford English Dictionary—despite the fact that the show’s writers denote this sound in their scripts not with the word “d’oh” but with the term “annoyed grunt.”
Clearly, The Simpsons is a shining beacon of prime-time language enlightenment.
But there’s one thing they consistently get wrong. Every time I’ve seen them shorten the word “until,” such as in signs on stores or in Moe’s Bar, they write “ ’til.” “Drink ’til you barf.” “Laugh ’til you care.” “Plop ’til you drop.” Stuff like that. Looks good, makes sense, seems logical, but just happens to be wrong. The shortened version of “until” is “till.”
I’ll pause while you check your dictionary. I understand why you might not want to just take my word for it. After all, what language gods in their right minds would shorten a word by throwing on an extra letter at the end, as if the original word had been “untill” all along? Ijits, I suppose, or evil folk. People who either don’t get or despise the simplicity of shortening words by subtracting letters and adding the occasional apostrophe. People who know we’re all accustomed to the simple and elegant logic in the well-known phrase, “ ’Tis the season to be jolly,” and who therein saw an opportunity to trip us up. People who couldn’t stand to leave common sense on autopilot. People who have less language sense than the makers of a cartoon show.
Writing “ ’til” instead of “till” is a mistake I myself made for a very long time. But for this one, I feel no shame, no urge to yell, “D’oh!” After all, the entire time I was getting it wrong, I was in very good company.