partial summary transcript

Daily Threat Assessment Task Force Teleconference Call

April 15th

FBI representative: “… going back over my notes, I’m still concerned by the situation concerning the Mextel trailer reported missing five days ago. We even received a Threat Level Alpha message from our Canadian friends. Custom stations from Maine to Michigan were put on high alert. Even the Osprey drone surveillance system along the northern border was brought in for real-time intel gathering and evaluation. Now you’re telling us the alert’s been cancelled?”

Homeland Security representative: “Not cancelled. Just reevaluated.”

FBI: “What the hell is the difference?”

Homeland Security: “A lot of wasted effort and overtime, that’s the difference. We got better intelligence. That’s all you need to know for now.”

Department of State representative: “What do the Canadians think about this?”

Unidentified: “Who cares what the Canadians think.”

[[General laughter]]

FBI: “… serious for a moment. I don’t like the idea of a trailer going missing that results in a Threat Level Alpha status, even if it is from the Canadians, and then the alert is cancelled. A lot of nasty stuff can be hidden in a truck trailer. I just want it on the record that I’m not satisfied with the response I’m getting from Homeland Security.”

Homeland Security: “Duly noted. Now, Tom, are you emphasizing this because you want to protect your butt if that trailer shows up?”

FBI: [[Expletive deleted]] If it drives into an underground parking facility at the Capitol Building, packed to the roof with ammonium nitrate, then I want to make sure that at some point, the FBI raised a concern.”

State Department: “Can we move on to the next agenda item, please?”

CIA representative: “Agreed. I have a lunch date I can’t afford to miss.”