TUESDAY
We need to talk. The most dreaded words in the English language. They never segued into anything good.
We need to talk was the text Grant had sent me five minutes earlier, and the chill that caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up warned me it was about to get ugly. A million questions spiraled through my mind in a tornado of worry. Was it Willow who caught us in the pantry? Did Robin find out about the kiss? Was she going to come after me? What did this mean for our friendship—if one still existed?
A tremor pulsed through my hands as worst-case scenarios popped in and out of my head. I headed for the bathroom cupboard and pulled out my bottle of painkillers. Just one to ease my nerves, stem the panic rattling my bones. Maybe two. It was an emergency, after all.
Another beep from an incoming text as I swallowed. I walked back to the living room, my chest tightening with each forced breath.
Can I come over?
Well, that didn’t make sense. If Robin had found out, Grant certainly wouldn’t be flaunting it in her face by coming over. Unless he was coming to warn me. Oh God, was Robin going to kick my ass? I had earned the reputation of a scrapper. I’d gotten in plenty of knock-down, drag-out fracases with other girls when I was a kid. Hell, I’d even been in a couple of damn good catfights in bars as an adult. Somehow I couldn’t picture a Goody-Two-shoes like Robin getting down and dirty like that. But if she thought for a moment I’d been boning her man, I knew her claws would come out. I’d rather have that than the mind games chicks tend to play. If only women could be more like men where they used fists to handle a dispute and it was over with, all forgiven with blood and knuckles.
I needed to know what was going on, so I typed a simple answer:
What’s going on?
I’ll tell you when I get there. On my way.
I paced through the next ten minutes while the drugs worked their magic until I heard a knock. I rushed to the door, preparing myself for the worst as I hurried him inside.
He was barely across the threshold when I blurted out, “Tell me what happened. I’m about to lose my fucking mind, Grant.”
He rested one hand on each of my shoulders, then leaned down to hook my gaze on him. “Hey, calm down. There’s no problem. I just wanted to see you.”
I flicked his hands off my shoulders and backed away, fuming. “What the hell was that all about then, idiota? With all that cryptic shit you were texting I was about to go over there and start apologizing to her, begging her to kick my ass!”
Grant pulled me into a hug, his body a warming balm. “Hey, it’s okay, Lil. Everything’s fine.”
“So Robin doesn’t know about the kiss?”
“No. Why would you think that she did? Did she say something to you?”
“No, Grant, but your text was vague. Who says they need ‘to talk’”—I air-quoted—“unless it’s bad?”
“I guess I do.” He chuckled, but I wasn’t laughing. I was still coming down off my panic attack. I slumped into the sofa. My legs felt sleepy and my arms heavy as the living room rippled like it was underwater.
“What do we need to talk about?” I demanded. “And next time don’t word it like that or I’ll cut your friggin’ balls off.”
“Ouch.” He cupped his balls; that made me grin. “Well, I wanted to talk about us.”
I gave a derisive snort. “There is no us, Grant. What we did was a huge mistake, and one I don’t want to make again. Willow might have seen us. And even if she didn’t, I don’t want to risk it again. Plus you’re my best friend’s husband, father of four, respected pediatrician . . . in the running for Man of the Year. Do you really want to throw all of that away?”
“Being with you doesn’t mean I’m no longer a father or doctor, Lily. It’s just that things between Robin and I have gotten . . . bad, lately.”
“Bad how? Bad enough you don’t want to be with her anymore?” Robin had never told me things were anything but perfect. She loved Grant, believed he loved her. She was happy, fulfilled. Everyone could see it in her adoring glances, outspoken praise, the way she orbited her existence around him.
Grant sat next to me and examined the wall behind me intently. I examined him intently. Where was this coming from? And who was telling the truth—Robin or Grant? Unless there were two different truths.
“I don’t know what I want anymore, Lily. I want to feel something, anything. With Robin, it’s been months since we’ve gone on a date or even had a private conversation without the kids crawling all over us. It’s getting too hard.”
“Marriage is hard, family is hard, no matter who it’s with. If anyone knows that it’s me. When Tony left, it destroyed me. I still haven’t recovered from it and it’s been months, because once you find the right person, you don’t let go. You hold on with everything you’ve got.”
“I’m tired of being the only one holding on, Lil. She let go a long time ago.”
I wagged my finger in the air at him Italian style. “Not true. She’s never let go; she’s just got too much to hold on to right now, burdened with four kids and all their activities, managing a home, supporting you while you got your practice up and running, keeping your perfect lives in place. Give her time.”
Grant raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Why are you defending her?”
“Because I love her, and I love you two together. You think I want to feel this way about you—lusting after my friend’s man? Hell no! Robin is family to me, and she’s the most amazing woman you’ll ever find. We’re both lucky to have her in our lives, so don’t go screwing that up.”
“I think we already did.”
I shook my head, backing into the arm of the sofa. “No, it’s not too late to fix it. I was lonely and you filled the hole in my heart. But it’s over; we can pretend it never happened. So go back to your wife and woo the shit out of her, okay?”
I wanted Grant, but I wanted Robin more. Grant would be a fleeting mistake that washed in and out of my life. Robin was my rock, and if our friendship crumbled, I had nothing left to stand on but sinking sand. And yet as Grant shifted across the sofa toward me, he smelled so damn good right now . . .
My emotions were all over the place—desire, guilt, push, pull, push, pull.
“I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried. We always end up getting interrupted with the kids, or Robin’s too tired from the baby being up all night. There’s always something.”
I rolled my eyes. “Man up and masturbate like the rest of us. But don’t throw your life away for an easy fuck. As your friend, I’m telling you that you have a good thing—a great thing—with Robin. Leaving her will kill her—and you. And your kids. You think about that before you go proposing to the next loose puttana you meet.”
He chuckled and shook his head. “So now you’re a puttana?”
“If the shoe fits . . .” I’d been called worse, and I didn’t care. I knew who I was and where I came from, and I accepted myself, flaws and all. They gave me character, as Papa always told me. All that was left was figuring out where I was going.
“So your sage advice is I’m supposed to be resigned to misery?”
I groaned. This man was insufferable. “Don’t you think you’re acting a little melodramatic? It’s Robin—she’d do anything for you.”
“Anything? She doesn’t touch me, Lil. We haven’t had sex in over eight months! A man has needs . . . and at the rate I’m masturbating, I’ll have carpal tunnel any day now!”
If my jaw hadn’t been hinged to my face, it would have dropped into my lap at that number—eight months! If there was one thing Tony and I had never lacked, it was sexual chemistry. I knew how to keep my man satisfied, and let’s just say it wasn’t through my Italian cooking. As for masturbation, I knew how he felt. I could barely get through a week myself without paddling the ol’ pink canoe.
“I’m so sorry, Grant. I had no idea it was that bad. Do you know why?”
“Like I said, the kids. Work. Extracurricular activities. You name it, it’s coming between us. The second we get alone time, Collette wakes up screaming. The moment I try to get frisky with Robin in the shower, Lucas barges in wanting Daddy shower time. That damn baby is always attached to her boob like a friggin’ milk vampire. I can’t win. And I don’t know if I want to keep working at it. We’ve grown apart. I hardly know her anymore. I don’t think she knows me either. When you’ve been married as long as we have, things get . . . more than just tough. Sometimes you can’t go back to what you had; it’s easier to move forward into something new.”
“Grant, we’re not talking about a new pair of shoes here. We’re talking about a marriage. Kids. A home. Family. You can’t just throw that away because you want something new.”
“I don’t just want something new, Lily. I’m trying to tell you . . . I want you. I want you, Lily. I’m in love with you, and I don’t know how to turn it off. You’re all I think about, morning, noon, and night. You’re everything I ever desired in a woman. Feisty. Passionate. Fun. Sexy. I hate that I feel this way, because I know it’s wrong, but it’s real. It’s the realest thing I’ve felt in a long time. And I don’t know what to do about it anymore.”
This couldn’t be happening. I wanted his attention, but not his heart. And yet here he was, pouring it out on the floor in front of me. I wanted to wade in it . . . but I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. Damn, the temptation was so strong.
“What do you think you should do about it?” My words were a whisper. I could feel the high of the drugs, of the pheromones surging through me. My control slipped through my fingers.
In one heartbeat his thigh was touching mine. His hand pulling mine. His fingers intertwining with mine. The room warped as my vision swayed under his spell.
“I know what I want to do about it.”
“Tell me.”
“No. I’ll show you.”
He leaned forward and kissed me, and I kissed him back. He lifted up my shirt, his tongue tickling my stomach and fingers unclasping my bra. His lips sought my nipple, found it, knew exactly what to do. I was lost in my desire with no way out.
Pulling my legs up under him, Grant climbed on top of me, tearing at the fabric that separated us. My legs instinctively circled his waist, drawing him into me. I wanted his flesh touching mine, his sweat soaking my skin, his weight pressing me. As we ripped each other’s clothes off, a small voice in the back of my brain warned me to stop, saying we couldn’t ever come back from this, that it would destroy everything and everyone I loved. The voice filled me up with warnings: There is no return, it said. No return . . .
And then I shut the little voice up.