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I was getting a little tipsy. I blamed it on the fact that I never ate before a show, and I’d had quite a few drinks since we arrived at the bar. But, too, I wondered if part of my giddiness was Liberto himself. He was as handsome, perhaps even more so than I remembered. And the last few months I had lived like a monk, cutting myself off from anything emotional or physical that even hinted at romance or lust.
And here I was with this sexy man who was focusing all his attention on me. From the second I’d walked out of the stage door, he swooped me up in a big hug and showered me with compliments on my performance. It felt good to feel male attention, male affection. It felt good to feel wanted again.
Maybe I was really—finally—moving on.
“So you ready for this press tour?” he asked me.
“I think so. It's my first really big one. I’m excited but a little intimidated. I hope I don’t wreck it. But I’ll be glad to see everybody again.”
“So Dennis is doing it?”
“What do you mean? Why wouldn't he?”
“Oh, I just heard through the grapevine that he was thinking of skipping the European leg of the junket and just doing a few here in LA and NYC.”
“That's odd. Did they say why?”
Liberto shrugged.
“That'd be a major loss wouldn't it?” I continued. “I mean since he’s the name in the cast, the big movie star.”
Liberto looked at me.
“Yeah, but I don't think it'd be a loss really. They'd still have you as the main attraction.”
I shook my head.
“I'm terrible at interviews. I get all tongue-tied and just sound goofy.”
He reached over and tucked a fallen curl behind my ear.
“A little bit, yeah.” He laughed at my guffaw. “But it's endearing as hell. And adorable.”
“Oh, come on,” I said, feeling bashful.
“I’m serious. You're gonna be an international heartthrob after this, just wait and see.”
I shook my head. “Ridiculous.”
“Nope. I won't be the only one who thinks you're sexy as hell. You'll be fighting them off.” He took a sip of his drink. “I mean, look at old Jimmy D.”
“Who?”
“You know who I mean. James Dennis. You even got Mister Leading Himself to fall for you.”
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.
“What are you talking about?”
“Everybody on set knew the two of you had something. We watched you fall in love.”
“What?” A strange mix of sensations ran through my body. My skin tingled as if all the hairs were standing on end, and my stomach felt weak as if I were suddenly seasick. “It wasn’t like that.”
Liberto looked at his glass with a smirk.
“Yeah, okay.”
“No, really, it wasn’t. I mean—I—nobody said anything about... It was just for the film. That’s it.”
Liberto smiled, his tongue in his cheek.
“If you say so, Zay.” He laid his hand over mine, and I calmed down a little. I was making things worse, I knew it. “No judgment. It’s just I’ve worked with the dude before and—well, I’ll just say he was different this time around.”
I felt a yearning that I shouldn’t have felt so strongly. But I wanted him to go on talking about Dennis. All night long.
I let my fingers entwine with his.
“How was he different? I thought he got along with everybody.”
“Oh, he does,” agreed Liberto. “He’s mad charming. Nobody ever has anything bad to say about him that I know of. But he was open this time—wide open.”
“Open?”
“Look, let’s just say the last time he and I worked together, I tried to get close to him. I noticed him checking me out a few times—on the low, of course. You know, straight dudes tend to like me because I blend in well. But, still, I wasn’t gonna be surprised if he played it off. Except he surprised me. He didn’t freak out or anything, he just told me that he didn’t like to mix work with other things. With that kind of thing.
“Which I thought was just a polite brush-off, at first. But then I heard the same thing from a friend of mine who acted with him on another job. She’s gorgeous and hilarious. But he told her the same thing. And that was before he was engaged. Long story short, he doesn’t sleep around, despite his cocky, pretty boy demeanor.”
I wanted to smile but I censored myself and chewed my lip instead. I moved the drink coaster in a circular motion a few times before commenting.
“But isn’t that an admirable thing?”
“Sure. If you care about monogamy or whatever. But my point is, you must have been pretty special to him.”
I leaned back, crossing my arms in front.
“Special? How do you figure that?”
“Dude, come on. He broke his rule for you.”
I looked away. “But who said we slept together?”
Liberto chuckled and gave me serious side-eye.
“Oh, okay. So that’s the game we’re playing?”
He waved off the waiter and ordered two more drinks.
“I’m not playing any game,” I insisted.
“Sure, papi,” he said, clinking his glass against mine and winking. He moved closer to me in the booth and slid his hand over my thigh. “No games.”
#
OUTSIDE, WE SHIVERED from the cold. I was so cold my teeth started chattering a bit, and Liberto pulled me to him, opening his coat and cocooning me inside. It was bold but he was a bold man, and it felt so good I didn’t object.
“We should get out of this weather,” he said and I nodded. He jerked his head to the side. “My hotel’s only like ten blocks from here. You should come over if you want. I’d like for you to come over.”
He wrapped his arms around me, drawing us even closer.
“Yeah, I can tell you do,” I said, smiling.
Liberto leaned in and kissed me deeply. He was a great kisser, and I relished the feel of his mouth on mine. I relaxed into him, giving myself over to the feeling, and heard myself moan slightly.
“So?” he asked breathlessly. “Come?”
Just then my cell phone buzzed, twice in a row. I turned the screen to face me to swipe the notifications off, and what I saw made me pause. Two text messages from Dennis. I froze.
“It’s just a yes or no, Zay,” said Liberto gently. “No pressure. You don’t have to wreck your emotions with every decision.”
I looked up at him.
“I’m not.” I pressed the cellphone against my chest and decided to ignore.
“Nah, you are—it’s all over your pretty face. Every time you’re struggling with something, you can read it in your expression.” He lifted my chin. “It’s one of the things that makes you so beautiful.”
He traced his thumb along my bottom lip.
My phone buzzed again. I told myself to ignore it, but I badly wanted to check it.
Liberto smiled softly and said, “It’s okay. Check it.”
Maybe he really could read my expressions that well.
I glanced at the screen and saw more of the same notifications that Dennis was texting. My stomach did a flip.
“Something important?” asked Liberto. “Lemme guess—your movie star?”
I tried not to look abashed.
“No,” I lied. And in that moment I knew my mind was made up. “It’s my agent. I think I should probably call him back, actually. I sent in a self-tape a few days ago – for a series regular. It’s a big deal, and he said he’d let me know as soon as he heard.”
“Pretty late for business calls though, huh,” said Liberto.
“Well, you know he’s on the West Coast, and it’s not that late there yet. I mean, for, like, agents...”
He smiled knowingly and nodded.
“You know, that's twice you've rejected me now, papi. I may start to take it personally.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but he placed a finger across my lips.
He kissed me once more, this time tenderly but with meaning.
He looked at me for a second when he pulled away.
“I get it, Zay,” he said. “For real, I do.”
He took a couple of steps back and lifted his arms.
“I'm in town ‘til Sunday. If you change your mind, you know how to find me.”
“It's not that I—”
“Don't worry, baby,” he interrupted. He shrugged and smiled. “Follow your heart, beautiful. But if it leads you to a dead-end, you can call me.”
#
I WALKED A FEW BLOCKS before looking at my phone. I felt like a complete asshole for the way I had treated Liberto, so I at least wanted to be well out of sight. I ducked inside one of the few disused phone booths that occasionally dotted the sidewalk to get out of the cutting winds.
[THE SUN-GOD]
Thanks for the birthday wishes! Hope you’re good.
Sorry for the delay. In Nashville now.
Mom’s been pretty sick & I’m helping out
Jae tells me the play has been going really well
You’re on Broadway! How cool is that?!?!
Speaking of Jae, where was she when I needed her?! We always workshopped this type of thing. Should I text him back now? Should I wait? Then Jae’s words about the cold shoulder routine came to me. Sure, papi, no games, Liberto had said. He was right, I had played enough games.
[ME]
It’s pretty cool actually!
Sorry about your mom, I hope she’s doing better.
Sending all good vibes.
I waited, my fingers flitting over the screen, flipping it back and forth. I rolled my eyes at myself, just about to toss my phone into my pocket when he wrote back.
[THE SUN-GOD]
Thanks, man! I appreciate it.
She is doing better now. We’re hopeful.
Hey, did you see the new promo pix yet?
[ME]
Nooo, not yet. :(
[THE SUN-GOD]
You’ve gotta check them out. They’re really cool.
And hot lol
I have a good feeling about this film.
[ME]
Me too. I will check them out ASAP.
[THE SUN-GOD]
Awesome!
[ME]
I’ve got comps for you, any show you want
if you’re in NYC any time soon.
[THE SUN-GOD]
Thanks, man. I would love that.
Things are hectic here so I dunno
I will try my best
My heart sank a little.
But I’ll see you on the press tour, right?
My heart buoyed.
[ME]
Most definitely!
[THE SUN-GOD]
Better go.
Maybe we can talk later?
[ME]
Definitely.
[THE SUN-GOD]
Cool
[...]
[...]
[...]
I really miss you, buddy xoxo
I felt my breath catch.
[ME]
Miss you too xx
#
I BOUNDED THROUGH THE door of my studio, tore my coat off, and flopped onto my bed. I pulled up Denny’s Instagram immediately. He had posted every one of the press stills and I glommed through them, feeling suddenly heartened and excited again.
Then I dug a bit deeper and found the pictures I really wanted to see—the ones I always came back to whenever I was stalking his profile—from our days in La Mancha. I had spent more time than I was prepared to admit staring at these pictures over the last few months. The one that I always dwelled on the most was the one from the church—me silhouetted against the altar, Denny watching me from behind. I loved remembering that point in time when it was all new and confusing and exciting. Knowing that he had wanted a picture of me, just the shape of me to remind him. It was like a secretive whisper between just us two.
And then there was the picture of him in the chair. How often had I stared at this? It was a snap from between shooting scenes. Denny was in a chair, on the lawn outside of the villa, lounging. He was barefoot and his shirt was open, falling away at the sides, revealing his chest. He clutched the ankle of a leg he had crossed over the other one, while his free arm hung lazily over. The breeze lifted the shorts he was wearing, making the ends billow just enough to invite a look underneath. He’d leaned back, confident, sexy, smiling broadly at the person who was taking the picture. And that person was me.
He had been staring at me.
It was a pose of seduction, and I was seduced.
After dropping my phone, I quickly shimmied out of my jeans and tore off my shirt. I zoomed in on the photo so that it took up my entire screen.
The photo I’d studied a hundred times before, my eyes tracing the curve of his lips, the line of his neck. I imagined my mouth on his chest, sucking his nipples, as I tweaked mine. On my body, I traced the path my mouth would make on his, around each nipple, down the firm, muscled torso, over the map of abs, past the waist and down, where I found my cock, erect and lying against my stomach. I lifted it and began to stroke.
At first, slowly and softly massaging, letting my foreskin ease over the head, teasing it, shuddering from the sensation. I imagined Denny’s hand in place of my own, jerking my dick and whispering my name.
Oh god, I heard him say, you’re so beautiful, Zay.
“Oh, Dennis.” His name escaped my lips as a loud moan.
In my mind, the moonlight played on his skin, falling across his back, and highlighting the hard, round curve of his ass. His ass as he moved inside me, his cock as it pushed against my spot, sending shockwaves through me. I bucked my hips, thrusting my dick into my fist, staring at his half-naked body in the photo. I imagined kissing his bare feet, wrapping a hand around his powerful calf, taking his toes in my mouth and sucking on them. Tracing the inside of his thighs with my mouth, taking in the heady scent of him. Tasting his glistening skin shimmering from the heat of the day. I moaned loudly as I imagined myself worshipping his body.
“Oh, Denny,” I cried out into the empty apartment, my voice full of want.
I dropped my phone and wrapped both hands around my cock. I drove myself through the shaft they created, the rough skin of my palms rasping against the sensitive head. It made me gasp, a small cry of pleasure, of pain, of sadness, of ecstasy escaped with each push.
That smooth skin, those lips in need of kissing.
I could see him in my mind, taste his mouth, the saltiness of skin, his hard hands grabbing me, pushing me about, taking me as his.
Oh, good god, Zay, I want you.
Finally, I cried out, a long moan, a clenching of my entire body as I shot ropes of pent-up frustration over the bedding and myself. I fell back onto the pillows, throwing one arm over my face, panting for breath.
When my breathing had calmed down, I rolled over, burying my face in a pillow. How am I going to do this? I wondered. How will I survive seeing him again, every day, and not shatter into dust from the effort of resisting him?