CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Nerves, nerves, nerves.

I swore that once everything associated with this film was done, I would need rehab at a mental hospital. Through all the drama with Denny; through this long slog of press and campaigning; finding an apartment in Los Angeles, and now finally this day. The day before the Oscars. My first major film and I was up for a major award. I was a wreck. I only hoped I could make it through the ceremony night without having a breakdown. And I hoped that if, god forbid, I actually won that I wouldn’t make too much of a stuttering fool of myself during my speech.

It would be a long but thrilling evening. I desperately hoped I would see some friends there, some familiar faces. I knew Carlos and others would be there, of course, but I hadn’t asked anyone to accompany me. I thought about asking my mom, and Jaelyn too. I thought she would be pissed when I told her I was thinking of going alone, but she wasn’t at all. I suspected she knew the truth. The truth that I really—desperately—wanted to ask Denny. I hadn’t worked up the nerve yet. I wasn’t sure that he was ready to appear together in public in that intimate a pairing. People talked, especially when it came to awards shows. Apparently, the blogosphere was already thick with speculation about us. And then, too, after his nomination snub, I thought he might skip out altogether. He hadn’t seemed out of sorts, but I chose not to even bring up the topic just in case.

I glanced at the time. His interview would be on shortly. He’d spent the morning at The Midday Chat studios recording a final press thing before the awards. I wanted to see how he talked about it all in the interview, to gauge his take better.

I had just turned on the television when he knocked at the front door.

“Oh, hey,” I said, ushering him in. “I thought you had another meeting this afternoon?”

“Cancelled it,” he said. He rubbed his hands together nervously. “Wanted to watch the interview with you. You remembered, right?”

“Of course I did. I just turned it on.”

“Good.”

He fell onto the couch and fidgeted into place.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him. “I’ve never seen you so jumpy.”

“You’ll see. Come on.” He waved me onto the couch.

The interview rolled along. It was the usual line, with the interviewers smiling from ear-to-ear and repeating the same stories and questions that we’d regurgitated at least a hundred times.

I glanced over at Dennis and he was watching me anxiously.

“What’s up?” I asked. “I don’t get it. It’s just the same old tired questions they’ve been asking us for months.”

“Shh, here it comes. Just watch, we’ll talk after.”

“NOW, THERE’S BEEN A lot of talk going around,” said the male interviewer on-screen. “About how this film has been an image-changer for you. Action Hero turns Sensitive Artist.”

“That’s true,” Dennis replied.

“And a lot of people are surprised that a guy like you would take on this kind of role. Especially given this kind of material.”

“This kind of material?”

“Well, the gay storyline. It still raises a lot of eyebrows for some people. Did you have any qualms about taking the role?”

“No, Bob, I honestly didn’t have any qualms. The story is what is important. And the story is about love, in whatever form it takes. I think that’s the most important thing.”

“Would you say,” interjected the co-host, “that this film changed you in any way?”

“Oh, it changed me enormously. Both professionally and personally. It gave me a new path in my career, as you said, and a new path in life as well.”

“A new path?” she asked.

“Yes. One of the things I liked most about this film was the people I got to work with. I’ve said this before, they were all great.” Here he paused and smiled thoughtfully. “I have to tell you, Bob and Yessenia, and everyone watching that one person, in particular, changed my life. My co-star, Xavier Durand. We all saw the amazing work he did on-screen, and everybody has been impressed by the grace and bearing with which he’s handled this sudden new rush of attention. But it didn’t surprise me one bit, either the attention or how he’s handled it. I learned that he is one of the most gracious, intelligent, and beautiful, not only artists but people I’ve ever met.”

“He certainly seems to have left an impression,” agreed Yessenia.

“Oh, most definitely. And he also inspired me. To be a better artist and a better person, too. And to live my truth. You know, we developed a great friendship during and after the film, but in the last few months, it’s become more. I hope he won’t mind me revealing this, but we’re in a relationship now, actually. I’m beyond happy. And I don’t want anyone to think it’s a secret or something I’m hiding. I have hidden this part of myself in the past, but he has inspired me to be braver, and to live out loud.”

“Wait,” said Bob. “Are you telling us that you’re coming out?”

Dennis smiled and shrugged. “Yes, I suppose I am. I’m in a relationship. With a man. With Xavier.”

“Well, that’s quite a scoop,” exclaimed Bob.

Yessenia touched Dennis’s arm. “Thank you for sharing that with us. That’s a beautiful thing to hear.”

Dennis nodded. “Thank you.”

“And,” Yessenia added. “If my daughter and her friends are any indication, you just made the heads of teenage girls around the world explode. They’ve been shipping you two like crazy.”

“Shipping?” Dennis asked, bemused.

“I’ll explain during the commercial break,” she said with a wink.

“Well, that was our exclusive interview with James Dennis Herbert, everybody,” announced Bob to the camera. “You heard it here first on The Midday Chat with Bob Tremont and Yessenia Lopez. Join us after the break where we’ll be making cinnamon rolls with Bubby Sherman.”

DENNIS GRABBED THE remote and flicked off the television.

The tears were rolling down my face.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I said.

“Of course I did. It was long overdue.”

He pulled me to him and kissed me gently on the lips.

“You don’t mind, do you?”

“Mind?”

“That I told everyone we’re together.”

“You can rent a billboard in Hollywood and blast it to the world and I wouldn’t mind one bit.”

“Damn,” he exclaimed. “My publicist would kill for that exposure. Don’t give her any ideas.”

We laughed but I stopped suddenly.

“Oh. But what about your mom?”

“She knows. That trip I took to see her a few weeks ago, I told her then. I didn’t tell you because I wanted to give her time. In case it was, you know, rough. But she’s okay with it, actually. I know her health has improved a lot and I didn’t want to get morbid, but I told her it made me realize that I couldn’t stand the thought of possibly losing her at any point without her knowing the whole me. I think it shocked her, and I don’t think she completely understands, but she was better than I expected. She said no matter what, she loves me and that I will always be her son. And that’s something.

“But,” he added with a smile, “she says she’s still not going to see that dirty old film of mine. She doesn’t want to see me have sex with anybody on film, man or woman.”

“That’s fair, I guess,” I said. “It’s got to be strange seeing your child doing those sorts of things. And what about Carlos?”

“I told him what I was planning yesterday. Oh, mi amor,” he said, imitating Carlos’s accent. “This is so good, the publicity! Everyone will be talking about my film now! I have made you both into gay icons!”

We laughed. He glanced at his watch and playfully punched me in the shoulder.

“We’ve got our final fittings in about three hours. I asked the designer to change the color of mine so that we complemented each other on-screen.”

“We? So you’re definitely coming to the ceremony?”

“Are you crazy? I wouldn’t miss this for the world. My boyfriend’s about to win an Oscar!”

“Your boyfriend, huh?”

“You got it, buddy!”

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. Then he lifted me up. I laughed and wrapped my legs around him, remembering that very first hug.

“Now,” he declared. “That gives us plenty of time to celebrate my big announcement.”

He carried me to the bedroom and lowered me onto the bed.

I looked at him, towering above me.

“Did you really mean that?”

“Oh, yes, I intend to make love to you for the rest of the afternoon.”

“No,” I replied, blushing and tucking a fallen curl behind my ear. “From before, do you really think I might win the Oscar?”

He laughed a deep belly laugh.

“You’re fucking adorable, you know that?” He pushed me back on the bed and began kissing my neck. “And, of course, I do,” he said between kisses. “You’re the most amazing actor I’ve ever worked with. Now get undressed, movie star.”

I happily complied.

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