29. Once upon a slime

Nursery rhymes and poems have always been a great source of inspiration and amusement to me. They are full of wonderful plots and crazy characters, and the best part is that you are free to borrow from them to create your own stories.

My bad versions of nursery rhymes from The Bad Book and The Very Bad Book.

 

Terry’s version of ‘The Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf’ from What Body Part is That?

 

ACT I SCENE ONE

On a dusty windowsill, somewhere in any house.

DEADFLYELLA: [using her proboscis as a vacuum cleaner] Alas, poor me. Here I am working myself to the exoskeleton while my horrible stepsisters sit around on their fat little abdomens laughing and enjoying themselves.

DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Ha ha!

DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Hee hee!

DEADFLYSTEPMOTHER: [vomiting] BLEUGH! BLEUGH!

DEADFLYELLA: Oh gross, deadfly puke!

DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Well don’t just stare at it, Deadflyella. Eat it up!

DEADFLYELLA: [sucking it up with her proboscis] Alas, poor me.

DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Oh well, we can’t sit around here all day watching Deadflyella making a pig of herself. We have to get ready for the Deadflyprince’s ball.

DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Yes, we have to make ourselves really beautiful. Deadflyella, come here and shine my wings.

DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Brush my bristles!

DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #1: Polish my large compound eyes!

DEADFLYSTEPSISTER #2: Powder my proboscis!

‘Deadflyella’ is a play based on the story of Cinderella, but with a cast made up of dead flies (Just Disgusting!).

 

Mud Brown and the Seven Slobs

Once upon a slime there was a disgusting princess called Mud Brown. She lived in a stinking bog with seven slobs called Stinky, Filthy, Snotty, Messy, Grubby, Sloppy and Robert.

Mud Brown and the seven slobs ate dirt, put mud in their underpants, sneezed in each other’s faces, shoved handfuls of worms in their ears and never EVER brushed their teeth.

One day an unhandsome prince called Prince Poopy-pants came riding through the forest on a filthy wart-hog and saw Mud Brown and the seven slobs having a wild mud fight.

 

Prince Poopy-pants looked at Mud Brown’s filthy clothes, dirty face, matted hair and ears full of nasty wriggling worms, and fell in love with her at once.

He leapt from his wart-hog and waded into the bog towards her. ‘You are the dirtiest, most perfectly despicable princess I have ever laid my beady, bloodshot eyes on!’ he said. ‘Will you marry me?’

 

Mud Brown scooped up a big handful of mud and slammed it right in the prince’s face. ‘Of course I will,’ she said. ‘I’ve been waiting all my life for someone as unhandsome, unappealing and unhygienic as you!’

Prince Poopy-pants and Mud Brown embraced and kissed but, unfortunately, as neither of them had ever cleaned their teeth in their entire lives, the combined stench of their terrible breath formed a cloud so toxic that it not only killed them both, but also Stinky, Filthy, Snotty, Messy, Grubby, Sloppy and Robert.

And nobody lived ever after.

THE END

My disgusting version of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ (The Very Bad Book).

TRY THIS

Once upon a slime …

Choose a fairy tale and write your own ‘slimy’ version of it. If you like you can choose two fairy tales and combine them. Alternatively, you could mix and match lots of different elements and characters from a range of fairy tales to create your own original super-slimy fairy tale.

Slimy fairy-tale titles

• Little Green Snotting Hood

• The Three Little Idiots and the Big Bad Moron

• Cindersmeller

• Blood Red and the Seven Little Vampires

• Sleeping Ugly

• Snoring Beauty

• The Bog Prince

• The Princess and the Pee

• The Princess and the Poo

• The Little DUH! maid