There’s a buzz of excitement in the air as Becka raises her glass to Trent, Miles, Kasen, and me.
“To the hottest band in the world—”
“You’re biased,” Tamsin calls out, her pink lips curled in a bright smile.
Becka sticks her tongue out at her playfully. “So are you. Anyway,” she emphasizes with a wink to Tamsin, “as I was saying, to the hottest band in the world. Congratulations on this next adventure and the upcoming tour. You’re gonna crush it.”
Trent announced a few days ago that our album already hit platinum and has been #1 since its release. The label officially announced our tour, which will start in seven months, and ticket sales sold out in twenty-four hours. The label wanted to add more tour dates and extend the tour, but we put our foot down this time. Maybe after our next album we’ll go back to longer tours, but we all know we’re not ready yet. Tours can be grueling, and we’re only now finding our footing after Robbie’s death.
Trent beams at his wife and then wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her into his body. Before I have to witness any more of their affection, I pull my phone out of my pocket expecting a text from Jolie, but there’s still nothing after her text saying she’s running late.
I take a sip of my beer—the only one I’ll have tonight—and fight the urge to fidget. I’ve been feeling unsettled for days now, and it’s wreaking havoc on my nerves. I know the cause of my affliction, but like always, there’s nothing I can do about it. Or her to be more accurate.
After Robbie died, I stepped up for her because how could I not? She’s been the only woman in my mind—and my heart—since I was fifteen. I couldn’t let her suffer alone. But I thought…
I don’t know what I thought.
I guess maybe the romantic in me got the best of me. The more time we spent together, the more I felt like maybe someday she’d see me the way I’ve always seen her.
And then there was that moment outside the house I found for her—the house I knew would be perfect and everything she wanted—when she looked up at me and smiled, and for the first time in over a year I saw the girl I fell in love with. It was a carefree smile filled with pure happiness.
And I’d given it to her.
For a second, I almost thought things might shift, especially with the way she was looking at me.
My problem is I got my hopes up, and I learned a long time ago that was a mistake.
“Jo! You made it!” Becka’s exclamation causes me to look up, and standing at the door to the backyard patio where we’re all hanging out while Trent mans the grill is Jolie. The fading sunlight catches on her red hair, highlighting some of the lighter red tones. She’s wearing it loose around her shoulders and down her back and wearing one of her signature oversized sweaters with a pair of jeans I know without looking will sculpt her ass perfectly.
She smiles at Becka, but it doesn’t reach her eyes which upon closer inspection are dull and watery. My body stiffens, and before I can fight the action, I’m already making my way toward her.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, lowering my voice so the others can’t hear me in case it’s something she doesn’t want anyone else to know.
She stares at me for a moment and then shakes her head. “I should’ve known you’d figure it out right away.”
My brow furrows. “What?”
“My house sold already,” she says, her hoarse voice carrying across the patio, causing everyone to turn their attention back to her. She gives a watery laugh and then wipes under her eyes. “I mean, I knew it would sell. It’s a great house. I just…I just didn’t expect it to happen so quickly.”
Becka and Trent walk over, Becka instantly wrapping her arm around Jo and offering hushed words of support, but it’s Trent who’s captured my attention this time.
He’s not looking at Jo, but at me. It’s a look I’m familiar with—concern mixed with worry, pity, and a dash of sadness. It’s the look he gives me every time he thinks I’m wasting my time on Jo.
And while I could never think time or energy spent on Jo was a waste, I can no longer deny I’m looking more pathetic by the day.
I’ve been in love with a woman who’s never seen me as anything more than a friend for over eleven years. It didn’t seem so bad when she was happily married to my best friend. But it’s different now that she’s single. Because now she’s more like me—single, but emotionally unavailable.
I never quite understood how that might feel for the women I hooked up with, but I understand it now. And for the first time since I was fifteen, I’m starting to wonder if maybe my brother’s right. Maybe I’ve been holding out for a woman who never would’ve chosen me even if she knew I loved her. Even if I’d asked her out first, she might’ve shot me down and still chosen Robbie.
I’ve lived my life thinking it was my fault for not making a move first, but more and more I’m starting to think she chose exactly who she wanted.
And I was never in the running.
It’s funny—in a sad and possibly painfully pathetic kind of way—she’s the only woman I’ve ever wanted and she’s never wanted me.
Maybe it’s time to let her go. As soon as the thought crosses my mind, my heart clenches painfully in my chest like it knows I’m trying to hurt it. But haven’t I been hurting it this whole time—by loving a woman who will never love me back? Is that what Trent’s been trying to get through my thick head this whole time?
Robbie or not, I’m not her choice, and I need to accept that.
Trent gestures with a nod for me to follow him into the house, and we leave Becka to continue comforting Jo on the patio.
As soon as the door closes behind us, Trent starts, “Tris—”
I raise my hand. “You don’t need to say anything. I already know what you’re going to say anyway. You’re like a goddamn broken record.”
I walk to the kitchen sink, placing my half-empty beer down and then bracing my hands on the counter while I look out the window above the sink at the only woman I’ve ever loved.
“I know I need to let her go,” I whisper, the words coming out like they’re shards of broken glass sliding up my throat. “I just don’t know how.”
Trent moves to stand next to me, both of us staring at the women we love. The only difference is his woman loves him back.
“I think you should give dating an honest try. You’ve never really done that before. You’ve hooked up with women, but it’s not the same and you know it.”
“What, you want me to go out with that Julie chick again?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know what I was thinking with that. You’d probably end up calling her Jolie in the middle of climax.”
“Dude, no. Just no.”
The truth is I’ve never let myself picture Jo when I was with another woman—it felt disrespectful to both of them. I’ve only ever thought about her when I was alone. It was the only time I let my guard down enough, knowing no one else would know.
Some days I think it’s a goddamn miracle Trent’s the only one in the band who’s figured it out.
“Okay, but seriously, you should give dating a try—a real one.”
The idea of going on a date feels like giving up. Giving up on what, I’m not entirely sure since Jo’s never been mine.
Can you give up someone who never belonged to you?
Gripping the back of my neck, I turn to my brother. “I would need your help. I’ve never been on a real date. I’m not sure I’d have any idea what the hell to do.”
His eyes soften, not in a pitying way—thank God—but in a way only a big brother looking out for his little brother can. “We’ll figure it out. We have to find you a girl first.”
“Right,” I say, my gaze being pulled like a magnet back to Jo.
And that unsettled feeling hits me again, joining the defeat, because even if I can’t give up someone I never had, it still feels a whole lot like I’m giving up on myself.
Giving up on the fantasy that someday she might choose me. That I’m worthy of her love.
But the thing about fantasy is it’s not real, and if Jolie is finally moving on, then maybe it’s time I follow her lead and move on from her.