I must’ve fallen asleep while I was writing because this has to be a dream. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve imagined her when I’m working on lyrics. All my songs have been about her in some way, shape, or form. But if it is a dream, I don’t want to wake up. As soon as Jo’s lips touch mine, I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her tight against my body. My mouth covers hers, and on a groan, I lick the seam of her lips seeking entrance.
When she grants it, I know I’m definitely dreaming, but fuck, it’s the realest dream I’ve ever had. She feels so good in my arms, better than any other time I’ve imagined her.
She gently pulls back, and I reluctantly let her go.
“I don’t want to wake up,” I whisper, knowing from experience I always wake up when she pulls away.
She frowns, and then her eyes soften. She rubs my cheek with her thumb, and I lean into it, my gaze still locked on her, afraid if I blink for even a second, she’ll disappear.
“You’re not sleeping, Tristan. This is real.”
My heart batters against my rib cage, and my eyes dart back and forth between hers. This has to be a dream.
She’d never kiss me for real.
But the longer we stand there, the more I start to believe her.
“You’re really here?”
“I am,” she says.
“You kissed me.”
There’s a faint blush joining her small smile, her eyes crinkling at the corners and making my heart pound even harder. “I did.”
“Why?” My voice breaks on the word. There are too many emotions coursing through me.
Her eyes trace my face while her thumb continues to rub small, gentle circles on my cheek. “Because I wanted to, needed to,” she whispers, angling her head and moving up on her tiptoes again like she’s going for another kiss.
But I’m not caught off guard this time and grab her biceps, gently pushing her away from me. “No,” I say, my heart cracking more with every breath. I can’t stand the thought of her kissing me because she figured out I’ve been in love with her this whole time and pities me. That’s almost worse than loving her in secret.
She frowns. “What’s wrong?”
I bark out a sarcastic laugh and then step back, my hands resting on the top of my head while I try to get myself under control.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her, pacing back and forth in an attempt to release some of what I’m feeling through movement. “I don’t want your pity kiss, Jo.”
I try to ignore the hurt in her eyes or the fact that she looks like I just slapped her because it goes against every fiber of my being, but I continue, planting my feet in front of her and staring her in the eyes. “Nothing has to change.”
Her eyes dart back and forth between mine. “How can you say that? I can’t miraculously go back to believing you’re just being nice, or doing everything you do for me because of who I was to Robbie instead of who I am to you. I can’t pretend, Tristan.”
I swallow hard, my whole body sagging as my world comes crumbling down around me. I’m going to lose her for good now. I won’t even get to be her friend.
“Tristan?” she asks, taking a step closer to me, her hand out as she slowly places it on my arm. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
I shake my head.
“Let me in, Tris. Please.”
“Don’t you realize I’ve already let you in more than most?”
“I didn’t, but I do now. But you’re still holding back. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I stare at her beautiful green eyes, memorizing the different shades like it’ll be the last time I ever see them, because it might be. But what do I really have to lose at this point?
“I’m in love with you.” Her cheeks flush pink, but she doesn’t say a word. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time, and I’ve accepted my role in your life. I’m okay if it doesn’t change.”
“I’m not,” she says before I have a chance to say more, and whatever words I was planning to say next die in my throat.
“I can’t go back to how things were before, and I don’t want to. I...” She stops, her chest rising and falling faster like she’s working up the nerve to say whatever it is she wants to say, and I brace myself for the blow I know is coming. I try to remind myself that you can’t really lose someone you never had, but it doesn’t make the pain lancing through my chest any more tolerable.
“I’ve been afraid to let go of Robbie and make room for someone else. It’s what he wanted for me; I know. But it’s been hard because I didn’t think I could ever find someone who would love me with a truly devoted kind of love. I…” Her eyes dart between mine. “I didn’t think I could love someone that way again.”
She stares at me expectantly, but I don’t know what she’s hoping for. She steps closer until our bodies are practically touching, and I fight the urge to take her in my arms and feel her lips on mine again.
“I realized something today,” she says, her voice dropping.
“About me,” I say.
“Yes, but something about me too.”
She rests her hand on my chest and stares at it like she’s not quite sure how it got there, while I’m convinced she’s going to leave a permanent mark on my skin where her hand rests. Then she moves her gaze up until it meets mine, and there’s something in her eyes I’m not sure I’ve seen before.
“I can’t say I’ve loved you for over eleven years like you can. In fact, I’m not sure I can pinpoint when my feelings for you changed.”
I suck in a sharp breath and hold it. Her eyes never leave mine when she says, “But I realized today that you mean more to me than just a friend, or just Robbie’s friend. And it scares the shit out of me,” she admits, her voice barely a whisper.
Is she saying what I think she’s saying? Do I have a chance?
I raise shaky hands and place them on her jaw, holding her head steady as I slowly lower mine down. I hesitate when we’re only a breath apart, then I dive in. I kiss her like she belongs to me, or more accurately like I belong to her.
Because I do. I always have.
My hopeful heart soars when she wraps her arms around my waist, holding me close while I deepen the kiss. My tongue slides across hers, and a shiver races down my spine, all the blood in my body quickly pooling in my cock.
Fuck, she tastes better than I ever imagined.
I let out a groan, one hand sliding into her red wavy locks while the other slides down her back until it rests right above her ass. I fight the urge to ravish her like I want to—like I do in my dreams.
Maybe—hopefully—someday. But not today.
Today, I soak in her kiss, in the warmth of her body against mine. In the way her body sags against me as she gives her mouth to me. In the way she holds me as tight as I’m holding her.
Parting, I rest my forehead against hers as we both catch our breath.
“Are you sure this is real?” I ask.
Jo laughs, and the smile that spreads on her face brings a smile to mine. I brush a strand of hair behind her ear and then pull her to me, wrapping her up in a hug. Resting my chin on top of her head, one thought starts repeating in my head.
Please don’t break my heart.