Throughout this book I’ve tried to explain the intricate dance that your hormones are constantly doing in your body and the ways in which hormonal imbalance leads to a wide array of uncomfortable physical symptoms as well as emotional discontent. The bottom line is that your physiology drives your behavior. To be more precise, your body’s production of oxytocin, the hormone that enables bonding, closeness, and collaboration, plays a huge role in affecting your actions, your thoughts, and your feelings. It is your most important hormone. Cortisol is involved in driving behavior too, particularly if it is waging war with oxytocin. Cortisol keeps you stressed, while oxytocin keeps you calm. If cortisol wins the battle, you are prone to feeling irritable, fatigued, unfocused, and frustrated; your life feels chaotic. The balance between these two hormones and their interactions with our neural system give us feelings of connection or disconnection. So of course you want your oxytocin levels high. It is, in my opinion, our most powerful and healing hormone. It deserves a chapter all its own.
If you don’t fix deficiencies of oxytocin, there can be consequences, some of them very severe. In fact, low levels of oxytocin are associated with several mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, severe shyness (social phobia), autism, schizophrenia, PTSD, anorexia nervosa, and borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately, most conditions like these are treated with an arsenal of prescription mood drugs, which do not do much more than mask the symptoms.
Fortunately, you don’t need an antidepressant, a tranquilizer, or a hormone pill. You just need to create more oxytocin in your life. The Hormone Fix will repair the emotional symptoms that are hurting your relationships and, indeed, your entire life.
When you boost oxytocin naturally, there are enormous benefits. As shown in many scientific studies, oxytocin:
Enhances your sense of optimism, trust, mastery, and self-esteem
Establishes intimacy and attachment
Creates sexual arousal
Helps women get through labor by stimulating uterine contractions
Helps people overcome social inhibitions and fears
Heals wounds (through its anti-inflammatory properties) and can relieve pain
May be responsible for a series of beneficial metabolic effects that help weight loss
Decreases health-damaging inflammation
Strengthens memory
Inhibits the development of tolerance to various addictive drugs in animal studies (opiates, cocaine, alcohol), and reduces withdrawal symptoms
Has the potential to help people with depression and anxiety
Reduces stress
Increases generosity
It’s clear that we really wouldn’t be human without oxytocin—we would not possess the ability to be the social, caring men and women that we are.
To help explain how oxytocin-influenced physiology drives connection, let me introduce you to Rachel, who was forty-two when she came to see me. Although she appeared to be in great physical health and was fit, beautiful, and intelligent, she was distressed about her relationships and mood. She described herself as feeling “numb” and “detached.”
To help her, I needed her full story, even events from the very beginning of her life. I learned that her mother had not been happy about being pregnant and may have had a difficult pregnancy. Both her parents were drug-addicted and emotionally distant. The family moved frequently. There was no extended family or nurturing relationships in her early youth.
Rachel’s father abandoned the family when she was eight. Fortunately, her mom went into rehab, recovered, got a job, found a good church community, and made a stable home. Rachel excelled in school and college. She married young, at twenty-one, but the relationship ended after two years. She remarried several years later but struggled to stay in love and in monogamy. These were years of partying, heavy shopping, and casual flings.
When we met, Rachel had finalized her second divorce and was starting to do “interior” work—focusing on her emotional problems and her spiritual emptiness. I pointed out to her what to me was blaringly obvious: her “oxytocin-seeking behavior,” as I call it. I explained to her about the oxytocin-cortisol connection and how oxytocin is lower in adults who experienced a lack of nurturing as a child or adverse childhood experiences. She was in essence self-medicating with sex, binge shopping, partying, and gift giving, all of which produce oxytocin but for her had negative consequences emotionally and financially.
Understanding how her physiology was driving her behavior, her actions, and her thoughts was the aha moment for her. She got it immediately and said, “In that case, I will use my behavior to healthfully drive my physiology.”
Rachel learned how to create more oxytocin in her life in other ways and be in love in the present moment, finding joy in her daily life. When urges threatened to lead her off her life course, she would recognize those immediately and, with self-discipline and practice, choose differently. She is now happily remarried and starting a family. All of these actions and choices help build oxytocin.
Thankfully, there are fun, natural ways to boost oxytocin that you’ve probably not heard much about before. I’ve got some amazing oxytocin fixes that you can start using right away.
An orgasm is the number one way to produce more oxytocin—so I want to make sure you understand what actually happens during one and, more important, to make sure that you’re having plenty of them. But first it’s important to understand how a woman’s orgasm is different from a man’s, and to appreciate the good news that sexual intimacy without an actual orgasm still counts toward reaping the physical benefits of orgasm.
For many years—indeed, since 1966, when the groundbreaking book Human Sexual Response, by William Masters and Virginia Johnson, was first published—sex researchers had accepted the existence of a linear sexual response for both men and women: excitement/arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. But over the past decade, the veracity of this model for everyone has come into question.
A man’s sexual response does indeed follow those stages. He gets excited, builds to an orgasm, and then it’s over—a crescendo that is goal-oriented. His goal is to climax. Most men also have the goal of getting you to climax; if you don’t, a man may think it’s the result of a bad performance on his part, and if you do, he gives himself a “bravo.”
As you might be able to attest, though, women do not always move progressively and sequentially through these stages. Desire and sexual response for women are different. Researchers now accept that for most women, the process is more circuitous, not so linear and goal-oriented. Sometimes you start because you feel sexually excited. But sometimes you start because you’re open to the idea. Indeed, many women may rarely or never want to initiate sex, but once they get started they get turned on. This is called secondary desire, and it is absolutely natural. That’s why it can help to stop saying “I’m not feeling it” and instead say “Let me see how I’m going to feel.” Starting from a place of willingness is perfectly fine. As you kiss, caress, and get turned on physically, along comes arousal.
I liken a man’s direct arousal to driving on the highway: fast and aiming for the destination. For women, it is more like taking the scenic route, including sometimes stopping on the side of the road to take pictures or look at the view. In my Sexual CPR online education program, I make the analogy to the game Candyland. Sometimes you get stuck and go back a few steps, and sometimes you score candy, but in the end, it is all fun and good. I prefer to redefine orgasm as the entire journey and experience, with the climax as the cherry on top, so to speak.
All throughout lovemaking, whenever we feel pleasure, we’re producing oxytocin. It’s not just when we have physical satisfaction (the orgasm) but also when we experience emotional satisfaction (a feeling of intimacy and connection with a partner).
When we feel good about this pleasure, the sexual experience can be heightened. But quite often our partner presses us to climax as a measure of our pleasure and his success. So we really do need to tell our partner what it is we want. You could start by saying to your partner, “I love being sexual with you, but sex for me is not just intercourse. It’s the lead-up.” Or you could tell him: “For five minutes, let’s do nothing else but caress.”
During foreplay, you may start to feel sexy and warm as the blood starts to head toward your vagina and clitoris. More lubrication occurs in the walls of your vagina. As more blood flows to your pelvic area, muscle tension starts to build in your pelvis, buttocks, genitals, and thighs. Your breathing speeds up. Your nipples may become erect, and your heart rate increases.
As many as thirty areas of your brain play a role during this period of sexual arousal. Your orbitofrontal cortex, for example, which is involved in behavior control, temporarily shuts down, and your inhibitions sometimes disappear. Also, parts of your brain are flooded with oxytocin at this time. This makes you feel loved, connected, and bonded with your partner. There is an increase in feel-good endorphins that are naturally calming and mood-enhancing. If and when you climax, more oxytocin is secreted, and your vagina begins to contract. At the same time, your uterus acts like a suction cup. This is by design—to let sperm come in after ejaculation. It is nature’s way of helping with conception.
When I speak of a woman’s orgasm, as I’ve noted, I am talking about the entire sexual experience. It doesn’t have to be about whether or not you were able to climax, because through the entire lovemaking session, you’re producing oxytocin, and that is a win—that is, if you are present during the experience and not just going through the motions.
Intimacy strengthens your relationship with your partner; it is what gives you pleasure and enjoyment. Following your intimate moments, it is important to stay present—talking, holding each other, laughing, and just sharing in the intimacy before separating (or going to sleep). (I also offer a webinar, “Help, Doctor, My Sex Drive Has No Pulse!”; see dranna.com/resources.)
Pain relief. Oxytocin released during intimacy and orgasm helps to decrease pain sensations, particularly the pain associated with chronic menstrual cramping, migraines, dysmenorrhea, and endometriosis. Research has shown that orgasm decreases the sensation of pain up to 70 percent in women with fibromyalgia—better results than you’d get from taking an over-the-counter pain reliever. That excuse of “I have a headache” just won’t work, because a nice climax eliminates that pain!
Cardiovascular health. Oxytocin is produced mainly in the hypothalamus, but it is synthesized and has receptors in the heart too. This means that orgasms also benefit our cardiovascular system. There is even evidence that frequent orgasms may protect against heart attacks. As a form of exercise, sex helps the cardiac muscles and reduces the body’s blood pressure in the long run and the risk of heart attacks.
Brain fitness. MRI images show that women’s brains utilize much more oxygen during orgasm than usual, similar to the effects of exercise. In other words, the brain is being nourished, which helps keep your mind sharp. Orgasms also increase the hormone DHEA, which improves memory and brain function.
Mood boost. Orgasm relieves anxiety and depression because oxytocin and other feel-good hormones such as serotonin are released, while cortisol is suppressed. Orgasms serve as a relaxant and give an overall good feeling. Oxytocin counteracts depression by flushing the system with endorphins (feel-good hormones).
Incontinence control. Orgasms strengthen your pelvic muscles, and therefore improve bladder control.
Libido lift. A hormone normally associated with men, testosterone helps boost sex drive in women. During an orgasm, and in general, oxytocin elevates estrogen and testosterone levels in the body, boosting sexual desire. The ovaries (in women) and testes (in men) also produce oxytocin.
Better sleep. As mentioned, endorphins, our feel-good hormones, are released with orgasm. This produces an increased sense of relaxation, satisfaction, and desire for sleep.
Appetite control. Orgasms can reduce your appetite and cravings. Throughout sexual activity, the body produces phenylethylamine—a natural amphetamine that can help to lessen cravings for junk food and cigarettes. Orgasm and intimacy also make you feel like your emotional needs have been met, so you’re less likely to dive into ice cream or french fries for comfort. Pleasure is your “comfort food”!
Stronger immunity. According to researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania, people who have regular sex have higher levels of immunoglobulin A, or IgA, an important antibody that fends off infection. Another study shows that women who report enjoying sexual activity live longer than do women who reported less pleasure in sex. One reason for the longevity bonus could be that orgasms have positive effects on various organs and body systems. Studies indicate that as sexual activity goes up, the risk of breast cancer goes down. This could be due to the surge of hormones such as oxytocin that comes with arousal and orgasm. Oxytocin reduces disease-causing free radicals in the body. Free radicals can cause DNA damage and activate pro-carcinogens, which can become carcinogens (substances capable of causing cancer).
Fortunately, there are other activities besides sex that cause the release of oxytocin, all of them fun and pleasurable. These will bring about bonding between you and others, as well as helping you feel more optimistic and happy and strengthen your sense of well-being.
Cuddle on the couch with your loved one during a mushy feel-good movie—a certified oxytocin-boosting move. A study at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill found that women who snuggled with their mate during a romantic video experienced a surge of oxytocin. Cuddling with your kids increases oxytocin too, as does a head rub or massage.
Hug frequently. A loving hug can help break the ice between strangers, strengthen bonds between friends, and dissolve bitterness between enemies. It eases our tension, fear, and anxiety at tough moments when we feel stressed. Notice how your body feels after receiving the hug or caress. Does it feel warmer, softer, calmer? That’s the effect of surging oxytocin. It is amazing how one simple hug can change your biochemical experience.
Try self-hugging, self-caressing, and self-pleasuring. Hugging yourself might seem a bit silly at first, but your body doesn’t register that. It simply reacts to the physical feeling of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being cradled in its mother’s arms. Physical touch has the power to release oxytocin, reduce cortisol, and calm stress. So why not try it? Whenever you’re feeling stressed, upset, or self-critical, give yourself a hug. Make it a habit—a clear gesture that conveys feelings of love, care, and tenderness. Lovingly touch your body in the shower while washing. Give yourself positive affirmations about the physical masterpiece that is you.
Heat up. Oxytocin is commonly activated by warm temperatures. Researchers have found that warm environments and increased sweating activate specific oxytocin-producing parts of the hypothalamus, just as breastfeeding does in mother and infant. Try a sauna, a steambath, or a hot yoga session, or bask in sunlight. Exercise also increases oxytocin, and this may be why I am always happier leaving the gym than going to it!
Socialize. The body churns out oxytocin when you’re in large social gatherings. This happens naturally to help achieve more harmony and oneness among the group. Do you know what the most oxytocin-rich environment is? You guessed it—a wedding, with the bride releasing the most and the mother of the bride a close second!
Researchers have found that your brain releases more oxytocin during social contact and social bonding, and this can actually speed up healing from disease. In the cultures around the world in which people are the longest-lived (often called “blue zones”), people have strong community ties. In community, we give and receive, and this increases oxytocin. So my advice is to participate in community activities, your church, and outreach to others.
Nurture your friendships. A propensity for healing relationships seems to be part of female genetic wiring; it is inherently related to oxytocin, which is released when women interact socially. Whatever the reason, women need other women—we guide each other, console each other, and celebrate with each other. The long-running Harvard-based Nurses’ Health Study found that the more close friends a woman has, the less likely she is to suffer physical ills as she ages. In fact, not having at least one true confidante can ultimately be as detrimental to your health as being a heavy smoker! And sharing emotions with good pals also soothes frazzled nerves. All of this points to the release of oxytocin when we bond with others. In fact, UCLA researchers report that women release oxytocin when stressed, which generates an urge to “bond”—yet once that urge is satisfied, we produce even more oxytocin, ultimately creating a calming sensation. You’ve probably heard that an occasional glass of red wine can improve longevity because it contains resveratrol, a powerful antioxidant. I always emphasize that having wine in the company of friends, family, and laughter might actually be what makes the wine so good for you.
Care for a pet. When you interact with animals, researchers find, you have increased levels of oxytocin. A review of sixty-nine studies on human-animal interactions showed that contact with animals, especially your own pet, increases oxytocin production, which counters elevated levels of stress and anxiety. The results also suggested that while single meetings with animals trigger the oxytocin effects, stable relationships, like pet ownership or at least regular interactions, are linked to more potent and longer-lasting effects.
Be generous. Giving is a way to increase oxytocin. Just try it and see. I regularly volunteer at church with the kids’ groups. I also created a foundation in honor of my son, called the Garrett V. Bivens Foundation. Through it, we’ve done some very beautiful things, including teaching-tots-to-swim programs and helping to found the House of Hope, a safe home and rehabilitation center for girls who’ve been caught up in human trafficking.
Try acupuncture. In a 2013 review of the effects of acupuncture on the neuroendocrine system, this ancient Chinese practice has been shown to stimulate the release of endorphins and oxytocin, leading to the reduction of stress and pain.
Going Keto-Green in both diet and lifestyle will help reestablish your circadian rhythm and normalize your cortisol production and response. These actions help tremendously for improving levels of oxytocin. Several of the supplements I suggest you take on the ten-day Quick Start and subsequent twenty-one-day (or lifelong) diet will also help restore and encourage oxytocin release.
Vitamin C is an easy way to optimize and increase your levels of oxytocin. One 2002 German study found that vitamin C stimulated the secretion of oxytocin, increased frequency of sexual activity, improved mood, and reduced stress.
As you may know, vitamin C is found in vegetables and fruits such as green peppers, citrus fruits, tomatoes, cauliflower, and cabbage—all good alkalinizing foods too.
Vitamin D is actually technically a hormone, not a vitamin. Research shows that serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin—three brain hormones that affect social behavior—are all activated by vitamin D. Some researchers believe that autistic children have low levels of oxytocin because they are likely deficient in vitamin D.
Ideally, you should get your vitamin D from the sun, but you can also obtain it through supplementation.
I’ve covered this amazing mineral throughout this book. It’s perhaps the most important mineral in your body, yet most people don’t know that oxytocin receptors on cells require magnesium to function properly. Plus, most people are deficient in this nutrient. Is it any wonder that so many of us feel disconnected and out of sorts?
There are a number of ways you can increase magnesium in your body. First, make sure you’re eating magnesium-rich foods on a regular basis: spinach, chard, pumpkin seeds, almonds, and avocado. These foods are included on my Keto-Green Diet.
Also, you can take a multivitamin-mineral supplement that contains magnesium as insurance. My choices are magnesium malate, magnesium lysinate glycinate chelate, and magnesium L-threonate because they can cross the protective blood-brain barrier and thus work better in the body and brain. You can also consider trying transdermal (topical) magnesium. When you apply magnesium on your skin, your body will absorb the amount it needs.
Methylation is a process that transforms toxins into safer substances in the body. It also supports the oxytocin receptors on cells that open up and let this hormone in. This process depends on a number of nutrients, including folate, vitamin B6, and vitamin B12, so it is worth supplementing with a B complex vitamin. See the Resources section for multivitamin recommendations.
Chamomile tea has been used for centuries in the Roman Empire, during Egyptian rule, and in ancient Greece. Prized for its many phytochemicals, chamomile offers numerous calming, anti-inflammatory, and health-boosting benefits. Researchers have also discovered that chamomile naturally increases oxytocin and lowers cortisol. I recommend chamomile tea on my diet. Chamomile essential oils can also be enjoyed regularly.
Melatonin is a hormone released by your pineal gland, a tiny gland in your brain. It helps control your sleep-wake cycle (your circadian rhythm). Adequate levels of melatonin are necessary to fall asleep quickly and sleep deeply through the night. Many scientific studies have shown that 500 micrograms (0.5 milligram) of melatonin daily can significantly increase the production of oxytocin.
Practice self-compassion at all times—being good and kind to yourself and not beating yourself up when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. When we soothe ourselves with the healing balm of self-compassion, not only are we changing our mental and emotional experience, we’re also changing our body chemistry. Self-compassion triggers the release of oxytocin—and it’s something you can practice and do all the time for a steady flow of this master hormone.
How exactly do you develop—and practice—self-compassion? In short, it involves having the same attitude toward yourself that you have toward a close friend. Rather than criticizing her, judging her, and adding to her stress, you listen with empathy and understanding. You encourage her to remember that mistakes are only normal, and validate her emotions without adding fuel to the fire. If you can talk to yourself as compassionately as you would to your best friend, you’ll start to see yourself as someone with great value. And eventually you’ll be able to tap into that self-loving mindset whenever you’re in a tough spot.
Self-compassion, by definition, is the act of being less critical toward yourself. This is important. When we are harsh on ourselves, we activate the sympathetic nervous system (the fight-or-flight reaction) and elevate stress hormones such as cortisol in our bloodstream. Self-compassion, by contrast, releases oxytocin, allowing us to calmly evaluate a situation without attacking ourselves. A simple exercise is to look at yourself in the mirror, into your eyes, and speak loving truths to your precious self and do some positive coaching. Sometimes it is helpful to think of your earliest childhood self when you do this practice. Try saying: “You are so precious and just wonderfully created. You have the potential to do anything you really want to do. You are healthy, loving, kind, and good,” and continue from there. You may feel self-conscious, but you’ll also find that speaking kindly and encouragingly to yourself feels good; this is a powerful practice.