Always be aware of how your actions affect the other players.
—The Haunted Place Player Guide
That night, the time came to share my news. I couldn’t put it off any longer. Nathan needed to know about the baby so we could plan our next steps. Hopefully, he’d be as excited as I was, but I couldn’t count on that. This was his second unplanned pregnancy in thirty years, and he might not be prepared. We’d only been dating about six weeks. If he wanted to throw me out, I needed to know. If he got excited, knowing he wanted the baby would make me feel much better. As would having someone to support me.
After seeing so many funny pregnancy announcements online, part of me wanted to set up something exciting and video it. At the same time, he’d be suspicious if he walked in to see me filming. And I didn’t feel well enough to engineer much. Showering, putting on clean clothes, and cooking dinner sapped my energy. I nearly fell asleep on the couch waiting for him to come home and eat.
When his car pulled into the driveway, I lowered the lights and lit the candles on the table. Then I waited.
A moment later, the front lock clanked open, and footsteps filled the front hall. “Honey, I’m home!”
“Hey!” In my nervousness, the words came out more like a croak. I sipped my water, wishing more than anything that it was wine. Then I tried again. “In here.”
He stopped in the doorway, letting out a low whistle. “You look amazing.”
“Thanks.” The way his gaze lingered on my breasts made me glad I’d taken the extra effort to look nice. But that look was going to very quickly lead us away from productive conversation.
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
His smile dropped. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, absolutely!” I’d planned to lead up to this, but maybe faster was better. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. I didn’t want to unnecessarily worry him. With a deep breath, I pasted a smile on my face. This was, after all, amazing news, even if I was terrified to tell him. “I’m pregnant.”
“You’re…having a baby?”
I nodded.
“My baby?”
I nodded again, this time a little exasperated at the question. Who else’s baby could it be? Before we got together, I hadn’t had sex in well over a year.
A massive smile split his face in two. With a whoop, he raced across the room and swept me into his arms, spinning me in a circle that would have been exhilarating if it didn’t also make me want to puke. “Holly, that’s amazing!”
Relief flooded me at his words. “You’re not mad?”
“Why would I be mad?”
“Well, we didn’t plan this.”
He kissed me briefly, tenderly. “I don’t care. I love you.”
My heart swelled. We’d never said it before, but I’d been sure of my feelings for a long time. Now I knew he felt the same. Everything would be okay. “I love you, too.”
“Let’s get married.”
His words sent a shock wave through me. In all the time I’d spent thinking about how he would react to the baby, a proposal had never crossed my mind. Not after his first marriage ended in such disaster. I pulled away, disentangling myself from his arms. I loved him, absolutely. I wanted to be with him. But to get married because of a broken condom?
I weighed what I wanted to say. Here Nathan was offering me exactly what I wanted: him, forever. A public declaration of our relationship. And yet, while my heart should be singing with joy, it felt like I’d dropped into an icy bath. I didn’t want him like this. How could I ever trust that he wanted me for me and not for the baby?
Before I could stop myself, a single word slipped out. “No.”
In a heartbeat, he went from looking like he’d won the lottery to like someone kicked his puppy. My heart lurched. I hadn’t wanted to say it like that.
“I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant,” I said.
“Did you mean to say yes?”
“No.” This was going well. I took a deep breath. “I love you. I want to be with you. When I was growing up, I dreamed about someday falling in love, getting married, and having a baby.”
“Why do I feel like you’re about to say ‘but’?”
“In my fantasies, I was marrying the man of my dreams because he loved me and wanted to marry me. Not because he ‘had to.’”
“Who says I have to marry you?” he demanded, hands on his hips. “Did I say that?”
“I know that’s why you married Gwen’s mom—”
His face shuttered closed as he interrupted me. “So you think you know everything about me? You think I don’t know what I want, that I’m repeating the same dumb mistake I made at fifteen?”
My heart clenched. When he said it like that, it sounded bad. At the same time, yes, that was exactly what I thought. He had offered to marry me because it seemed like the right thing to do, not because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Especially when the proposal came spur of the moment, with no ring, after finding out about the baby. He didn’t plan this. The words came out because of the baby. Exactly like with Gwen’s mom.
When I didn’t answer, his shoulders dropped. “Okay, I see how it is. Thank you for protecting me from myself.”
“I’m not saying we can’t be together. I want to raise this child with you. I just don’t want to rush into marriage.” What I didn’t say was, I don’t want you or our baby to resent me for trapping you, the way Gwen resents her mother.
“I know it seems fast, but we’ve known each other for years. We’ve been living together since before we started dating, and we make a great team. You’ve seen me at my worst, nursing me through a broken leg. I’ve seen you dealing with everything Lucas threw at you. When you’re around, I’m happy. And I make you happy, too.”
“You do, and those are great reasons to continue dating, even continue living together. I want to be with you. I just don’t think marriage is a good idea right now.”
“What could be better? I love you, you love me, we’re having a baby. Marriage is the next logical step.”
“Come on, you never would have proposed if I wasn’t pregnant. Right? We were perfectly happy the way things were.” He didn’t answer, but the truth of my words was written across his face. I continued, “Getting married because of a baby is a terrible idea.”
As soon as the sentence left my mouth, I wanted to take it back. I meant us, not Nathan and Gwen’s mom. And yet…some of the same principles applied. They hadn’t been dating long when they found out about their baby. They wouldn’t have gotten married otherwise. It turned out to be a huge mistake. Gwen’s mom made him miserable. She took more than ten years from him. I couldn’t ruin his life like that.
“You don’t get it.” He shook his head sadly. “Maybe none of this is a good idea. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.”
My heart shattered. In all the time we’d been together, I’d always been an equal, even though he was older and more successful. But he thought getting involved with me was a mistake. Suddenly, I felt like some dumb kid. “I’m going to Shannon’s.”
He didn’t answer, calling my bluff without words. I didn’t want to leave, not again. I wanted to stay and fight for us, to hear him say we could still be together. We didn’t need to get married right now. But his silence spoke volumes. I didn’t know what to do, other than keep up the pretense of wanting to go.
Like a sleepwalker, I went to my room and pulled out my bags, waiting for him to appear, to say anything. I gathered my stuff from his room as if lead filled my veins. When I finally had everything packed, Nathan still stood in the living room, arms folded across his chest, mouth set firmly in a hard line across his features. He hadn’t moved an inch.
He remained there as I took my stuff down the hall. As I left my key on the table beside the door. As I walked out of the house. All the way to the T, I listened for footsteps, praying he’d stop me. He never did.
My phone rang before the train reached my destination. My heart skipped a beat before I realized it was my regular ringtone, not The Office theme song long-ago assigned to Nathan. With a deep breath, I lifted the phone to my ear. “Hello?”
“Hi, Holly? It’s Rob.”
Despite the fact that my whole world was crashing in on me, I still needed a job, so I forced myself to sound cheerful. “Hey! How are you?”
“Great! I’ve found a couple of jobs that might interest you. Are you still open to relocation?”
Without Nathan, Gwen, or a job, very little tied me to the Boston area. It was an expensive place to raise a child. Sure, I’d have to come up with a way to share custody, but one thing at a time. First, I needed income. “Yes, absolutely. Although I’d prefer to stick with companies that will offer me a package to offset moving expenses.”
“No problem. I’ve already talked to two places about you, and both want to set up an initial phone interview. One in Phoenix, one in Albany.”
“Sounds great!” At least Albany wasn’t far. We scheduled phone calls for both companies. Then I said, “But do me a favor and see what you can find nearby?”
“Still on it.”
After I thanked him, we said good-bye and disconnected.
The pending interviews should have made me feel better, but dread swamped me. Moving to another state would close the door on me and Nathan forever. Not that I had a choice. Even if we worked things out, I couldn’t continue to mooch off his generosity while working at the game store, making barely above minimum wage. My current pay wouldn’t cover day care in the Boston area, and I couldn’t expect Nathan to pay for everything. I needed to stand on my own two feet, and that meant finding a job wherever possible. If we didn’t work things out, Boston no longer held the same appeal for me.
When I got to Shannon’s, I pushed the bell and stared at the ground, praying she answered and not her roommate. I hadn’t thought to text ahead. Not that it mattered. With nowhere else to go, I’d wait as long as needed.
The door opened. “Oh, no. What happened?”
I stepped into Shannon’s open arms and finally allowed myself to dissolve into tears.
* * * *
After my argument with Nathan, I gave myself the weekend to mope. People came back from worse fights, but I didn’t know what the answer was. I couldn’t let him rush into another marriage because something slipped by the quality-control people at the condom factory. If he didn’t see that I’d refused because I loved him, I didn’t know what to do. And if his stance was all or nothing—well, marriage couldn’t resolve that. So I took two days to binge-watch TV and accept that we might not be able to work things out before I rejoined the land of the living. He didn’t text me; I didn’t text him.
The phone interviews both went well, and each company requested a second, in-person interview. I made plans to drive to Albany to meet with the head honchos the following week. Then the Phoenix company offered to fly me out. Things were starting to look up.
Too bad my professional life didn’t start to improve until my personal life descended into chaos. With my relationship with Nathan up in the air—probably over, if I got either of these jobs—and a baby on the way, I needed the support of my friends more than ever. We’d gotten each other through grad school, helped Gwen resolve her issues with her mother. They helped me when Lucas got arrested, and we both helped Shannon when Nana got sick. Now I needed them both.
With that in mind, I rededicated myself to getting my best friend back. Gwen tended to heat up fast, but she’d never held a grudge this long. Her sustained anger felt like a reaction to what she saw as an extended betrayal. I understood, but hoped to fix things.
Since she’d blocked me on Facebook and Twitter, it seemed unlikely she’d answer the phone when I called. I sent a couple of texts, but there was no way to know if they’d gone through. If she’d blocked my number, I could spend the rest of my life sending texts into the abyss, waiting for a response that never came.
I could text her from Shannon’s phone, but I didn’t want to put our friend in the middle. Instead, I checked Gwen’s blog daily to see when she’d be in Boston. Meanwhile, I kept going to work and practicing in my head what to say.
Finally, I got my chance. I had an early shift at the store, and according to Gallivanting Gwen, my friend would be in Boston for a few days before flying to warmer locations until spring arrived. As soon as work ended, I steeled myself for a confrontation and examined my secret weapon: a box of Shannon’s Nana’s award-winning cupcakes, brought from home.
Friendships usually couldn’t be fixed with a five-dollar bribe, but a quality baked good often put Gwen in a good mood. Nana’s red velvet cupcakes were her favorite.
Normally, they were my favorite, too. Unfortunately, all foods still nauseated me. I couldn’t even look at baked goods. The only way to transport them without getting sick involved putting the box in several bags to block the sickly sugary smell. My stomach churned, anyway. Hopefully, I’d manage to hand the package to Gwen without incident.
A long time passed after I knocked on her door. I wondered if covering the peephole would make them more or less likely to open up. At the same time, if she would leave me standing on the front porch in the still-not-much-above-freezing cold, it was time to give up.
New moms didn’t have a ton of free time, right? I didn’t need friends. I’d find a new job, probably in another state, and the baby would take up my time. The door blurred as I thought about the loneliness of that life. At least I’d get to see Nathan when I brought the baby for visits. I didn’t doubt for a second he’d want to be involved.
In the back of my mind, I realized that other options existed. Being a single parent wasn’t my only choice. We hadn’t been trying to have a baby, this wasn’t planned, and raising a baby on my own would be tough. But at the same time, as miserable as I felt, I didn’t even consider not keeping the baby. It was a part of me, a part of Nathan, a reminder of our time together. When I wasn’t panicking about the future, having a baby felt right. I already loved the little nugget inside me.
This wasn’t the time to let my hormones take over. I needed to think positively. Pasting a huge smile on my face, I lifted the box of cupcakes where anyone looking through the peephole would see it and rang the bell. Maybe they hadn’t heard my knock.
By the time the door swung open, a chill had settled into my bones. Gwen stood there, staring at me with her arms crossed. She said nothing.
“Hey,” I said.
She didn’t reply.
I lifted the box. “I come bearing baked goods. Please give me a few minutes.”
She turned and walked away, leaving the door open. I followed before she changed her mind. Removing my coat seemed overly optimistic, but I left my boots in the rack near the door before padding into the living room behind her.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“You’re sorry you slept with my dad, or you’re sorry things didn’t work out?”
Of course he’d told her about our fight. A pang hit my stomach at the realization: If he told her we broke up, he must really believe it was over. He wouldn’t have mentioned an argument if he wanted to work things out. I wondered if he told her why we’d fought, but didn’t ask.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” I said. “It kills me to know I may have destroyed what would have been a lifelong friendship.”
“You’re not sorry you did it?”
Sorry for falling in love? Sorry for being with someone who made me feel good about myself, even though it didn’t last? Sorry for the baby growing inside of me? Absolutely not. “No. I loved him.”
“Good. Because Dad’s a wonderful guy, and I’m not about to stand here and listen to you talk bad about him.”
“Never.” Things seemed to be going okay, so I held the box out again. “Cupcake? Nana made them.”
She quirked an eyebrow at me. “This doesn’t make everything okay. And I’m not sharing.”
“That’s fine.”
She pulled layer after layer off the box, snorting at how well-packaged it was. “You couldn’t have added a few more bags?”
“Just keeping the rain out.” A partial truth.
Finally reaching her goal, she broke the tape and lifted the box to her face. The scents of chocolate and vanilla comingled in the air. My stomach rebelled, and I took a small step backward under the pretense of adjusting my coat.
Gwen removed a cake from the box, examining it. She licked her lips, and I forced my gaze away. Everything about food made me sick. What a terrible idea. I should’ve brought her a new game instead, or a funny T-shirt.
“It hurt when you went behind my back,” she finally said. “If you’d told me up-front that you had real feelings for him, I would have had time to deal with it. Things might have been different. But as long as I let myself believe it was a joke, I didn’t have to consider how I would feel if you two got together.”
I nodded, still trying to repress the growing nausea from the scent of the baked goods. “If I’d known something was going to happen, I would have come to you first. We didn’t plan it. And after we got together, I didn’t want to ruin your wedding day. I figured it was a one-time thing, no reason to upset you. Once we decided to make it work, I should have put the relationship on hold until we had a conversation.”
“Yes. But it’s more than that,” she said. “He’s one of the most important people in my life. For so long, we only had each other. That creates a tight bond. There’s nothing I want more than for him to be happy. I hated to think you were using him to get over Lucas, of all people.”
My lips twitched. Gwen never liked Lucas. I hadn’t thought about it that way, but I could see how she might be doubly offended to think I’d hurt her dad because of my ex. “It was nothing like that. There’s something between us. Or there was. It’s probably over.”
She met my gaze, held it for a long time. “He’s miserable.”
“Me too.”
“Good. It’s your fault.”
I didn’t point out that it took two to tango. And it didn’t matter, because she was right. I could’ve tried harder to stay away. I could’ve done something to cool my feelings before they got out of control. I hadn’t wanted to. I’d wanted him to love me.
My eyes filled with tears, and I blinked them away. Too late. Gwen’s face softened the tiniest bit. “I’m sorry, Hol. I know things have been rough.”
Sniffling, I nodded. “They really have. But I swear, I wasn’t using him. I wanted things to work out. But sometimes two people aren’t meant to be together.”
There was so much more I wanted to tell her. If she knew about the baby, she’d overcome her remaining hesitations about our friendship. But I didn’t want her back that way.
“Here.” She shoved the box at me, putting it right under my nose. “Maybe I can share, after all.”
The sugar smells kicked me in the gut. So much wonderful sweetness that I’d have loved under ordinary circumstances. Not now. I couldn’t handle it. With one hand over my mouth, I turned away, praying my lunch would stay in place. But it was too late. I barely managed to get away from the cupcakes before I puked all over the carpet.
Gwen stared at me, eyes wide. Oh, no. I couldn’t. Panic filled me. Not knowing what else to do, I bolted for the front door. Pausing only to pick up my boots, I streaked down the front steps, leaving a horrified Gwen behind me still holding the open box.