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Sometimes he’s gone for hours, looking for food. Which makes sense, because the kitchen cupboards are nearly empty and we need to eat something. When I ask him why he doesn’t go hunting, he simply replies that he would have liked to, if only there were wild animals nearby. But there aren’t any – the radiation has killed off most of them. I remember our conversation about it vividly.
“How come we’re immune to the radiation?”
“You already know the answer to that,” Abel replies.
“Does it have something to do with the angel inside of me?”
“Correct.”
“So how about Luca?”
Abel shot the dog sleeping peacefully next to my bed a suspicious look. “Who knows? Dumb luck, I guess. Or...”
“Or what?”
“I don’t know. Ever since I first saw him, I've felt strangely comforted by his presence.”
“Comforted?”
Abel nodded. “Yeah, he feels... familiar.”
Abel used to go to the same 7-Eleven I stumbled upon before, but the stuff he could still find there was mostly snack food and wasn’t nearly enough. So he ventures out beyond the usual territory now, and he sometimes stays away for a full day. At first, his absence was a blessing for me, but frankly the silence is starting to get to me lately. Especially when Abel takes Luca on his supply runs.
“As long as you’re by yourself, chances are slim you’ll be found by hunters,” he told me two days ago. “Besides, you can hardly walk, and Luca needs to be walked at least a couple times a day.”
Such a comforting thought, isn’t it? Yeah, right. Maybe that’s why when I’m alone, I flinch at every unexpected sound, peering through the bedroom with wide eyes and pricked-up ears. I realize that I’m beyond salvation if Hunters do indeed show up here. The only thing I can do if that happens is hide under my bed and keep as quiet as a mouse in the hopes they won’t find me and they’ll move on. But I’m realistic enough to understand that it won’t be that easy. And yet, Abel keeps reassuring me, telling me there are no Hunters nearby. It eases my mind somewhat – since he can actually sense their presence – but I don’t live and die by his promise.
I curse him for bringing me into this situation, and quite often I almost pack my bags to stumble out by myself to go look for Adam. But the sad fact is that I need Abel – in my present condition I don’t stand even the smallest chance of getting far, let alone finding Adam.
It’s because of this fear and the silence around me that I breathe out in relief when I hear three raps on the door – the sign we agreed on so I know it’s Abel – and the pitter-patter of dog paws on the wooden porch steps. The door swings open and Luca cheerfully jumps onto my bed, turning a few times before plonking down as close to me as possible. It doesn’t take long for Abel to stride into my room too, carrying a full tray of food. He tells me where he’s been, what he’s found, and asks me how I’m doing.
“The pain’s as good as gone,” I lie, like every time. “With a bit of luck I’ll be able to walk around in a few more days.”
Although he knows I’m stretching the truth, he never calls me out on it. He usually just watches me eat, after which we chat non-stop about all kinds of things from my old life. He wants to know everything, so I tell him what life was like for me before D-Day. I tell him about Mark, about the witness protection program, and the lie we had to live from that day onward. About what has happened to me ever since that day the angels went on the war path. Abel asks me questions and somehow reminds me of a scientist who’s trying to figure out the meaning of life. But when I put the ball in his court and ask him what life is like for an angel, he dodges the question and shifts the conversation back to me.
“Can’t you at least tell me a little bit about what it’s like up there?” I ask, annoyed.
He shakes his head with a sigh. “Words cannot express it. You can only understand it when you see it with your own eyes.”
But I did, I realize. Or at least a part of it, when Einstein grabbed my ankle back at the gas station and projected his memories onto me.
“Do you have any idea yet how to get Adam back? In case, however unlikely it might be, he is still alive.”
I open my mouth to answer him, then shut it again. It’s not the first time we’re having this debate, and I honestly still don’t know what to say. The few times before, I snapped at him and got angry. Sometimes, he wisely drops the subject. Sometimes, though, he’s just as stubborn as I am and he keeps grilling me. Today, he chooses door number two.
“I’m serious,” he says. “Let’s jokingly assume you do find them...”
“You really think it’s a mission impossible, don’t you?” I interrupt him heatedly.
“What do you intend to do once you come face to face with your brother?” he continues unperturbed. “Best case scenario: only that Sasha girl’s with him, but even then you don’t stand a chance against them. They’ll either make sure your soul loses control over your body, or they’ll kill you.”
“I don’t know, okay?” I growl. “Doesn’t mean I won’t give it a shot. Whose side are you on, anyway?”
“I’m just trying to understand your point of view. I don’t understand why you’re so willing to sacrifice your life for a child that isn’t even yours. A child that will die, no matter what scenario I come up with. Even if by some miracle you save him from your brother’s clutches, little Adam’s gotta contend with the radiation.”
“Of course you wouldn’t understand.” I suddenly feel the irrepressible urge to punch him on the nose. “You’re not even human. You probably think the world is black and white.”
He looks at me, shaken as though I’ve literally slapped him across the face. “That’s not true! I like the idea – it’s heroic and like the tales of old. But no matter how you look at it, it’s still a stupid move. Especially if you insist on going alone. It’s not so very different from what Jesus tried to do, and look how he ended up.”
“Then come with me, dammit. Help me!”
He stomps out of the room and into the hallway. “You really are incorrigible, Anna. Don’t you see why I can’t? They’ll always end up killing me.” And with a bang, he slams the bedroom door shut.
***
Days turn to weeks and only after three full weeks have passed do I hesitantly venture out on foot again without any pain. My rehabilitation is going smoothly. I’m determined to strengthen the muscles in my thigh as quickly as possible, so I practice at least two hours in the morning and three in the afternoon on a daily basis. After diligently sticking to that regime for a few days, I manage to get down the stairs and into the living room unassisted. It’s where I enjoy sitting the most. Abel has moved the sofa so I have a clear view of the forest. It’s like a relaxing painting. The branches and leaves being caressed by the wind, and the clouds sailing through the sky like ships into a harbor – it’s wonderful. Abel has managed to scrounge up enough food for now, so he can stay in today. He’s helping me, encouraging me whenever he can. Under his supervision I even manage to walk Luca again, and together we take a walk in the forest. We find a sturdy branch that acts like a crutch for me and I’m enjoying the fresh forest air once more.
It’s during one of those walks that I ask him a question that’s been running through my mind for days. “Why do you think Steph’s keeping Adam alive?”
Abel shrugs and kicks a branch like’s he a child at play. “I hope it is because deep down he realizes that what he’s doing can’t be good – like I did. I refuse to believe I’m the only angel with common sense.”
“So you don’t think it’s Steph’s soul gradually taking over?”
“I get why you’re hoping for that, but I’m afraid your brother is truly lost. If his soul had been stronger than the angel’s, he’d never have been able to seize control over his body. When a soul gets detached from a body for too long, it’ll lose the ability to connect and will disappear.”
“Disappear?” My eyes widen.
Abel nods. “To heaven or hell. If they had both still been open, at least.”
“And now?” I gasp for breath, taken aback.
“Now they’re wandering spirits, I’m afraid.” He sees my reaction and puts a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. Maybe there’s something like a gray area there.”
“You mean there might be a slight possibility Steph’s soul is still trapped inside his body?”
He nods. “I don’t think so, personally, but of course I hope it’s true. For you.” Abel pushes aside a branch and extends his hand to help me over a protruding tree root. “But even if that’s the case and he’s able to influence the angel’s feelings and actions sporadically – he’s still powerless. In this situation, it’s mind over emotion.”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning, the angel knows what’s going on and he’s still going to do as he sees fit.” He pauses for a moment. “But I agree it’s a peculiar state of affairs.”
***
One week later, my muscles are strong enough for me to walk long distances without straining them too much. Running is still out of the question, but I’m not planning on it. I decide that it’s time – I’ve waited long enough.
I look at Abel pleadingly. “You sure you’re not coming?” We’re standing on the threshold of the log cabin’s front door. Luca’s sniffing some undergrowth a little ways away.
I see the hesitation in his eyes. It makes hope flare up for a second, but then he shakes his head after all. “I’m sorry. I’ll be safer all alone.”
“Without you, it’ll be like looking for a needle in a haystack, even if you send me in the right direction.”
He fixes the ground with a dejected stare. “You gotta head north. I can’t sense a human's presence, so I can’t tell you whether Adam’s still alive, but I do sense at least two angels. A half a day’s walk away from here, at least.”
“At least?”
“They’re too far away for me to tell you whether they’re going to team up with more angels. Also, I’m not sure they're the two angels you’re looking for.” He takes my hand and gives me a sad look with his chocolate brown eyes. “Please don’t. Just stay here.”
“And then what?” I grumpily pull my hand back. “Live here until we, what? Die of old age? Are found by Hunters after all? Because that’s what in store for us, Abel. We won’t live forever – not even you. It’s not about how long you live; it’s about how you live. Don’t you get that?” Without looking back, I walk over to Luca and disappear into the forest.