I took the stairs and Will was waiting for me at his door. “Mark, are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I answered. “I’m drunk.”
He pulled me inside his apartment and led me to the kitchen. “I thought when you said you weren’t feeling well, you were going home.”
“I was,” I said. “But then I was out the front of Kings and getting smashed seemed like a really good idea.”
It was then I looked at Will. He was wearing sleep pants and had rumpled hair. “Shit. I hope I’m not interrupting,” I said. “Is what’s-his-name here? I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.” I pushed off from the counter. “I can go. I should go.”
“No,” Will said, grabbing my arm to stop me. “He’s not here.”
“Oh.”
“I, um,” he said, hesitating, “I told him I wasn’t interested.”
“You what?”
He shrugged. “It just wasn’t going to work.”
“Why not?” I asked. “I thought you got on well. He was nice…”
Will bit his lip. “There just wasn’t any spark, you know?”
“Spark?” I asked.
“You know, no excitement.” Will’s eyebrows knitted. “It wasn’t easy. It just felt like hard work, I don’t know… I just didn’t feel it.”
“Oh man, it wasn’t anything to do with me bailing out of dinner, was it?” I asked. “I thought you two were getting along and didn’t want me hanging around.”
“Is that why you left?”
“Not really,” I said, still feeling a bit drunk. “I mean, I didn’t feel too well, but I’m not sure it was anything I ate. I don’t know what it was… I just felt…” I scrubbed my hands over my face. “I don’t know how I felt.” Then I blurted out, “I tried to fuck some guy at the club, but I couldn’t.”
Will frowned. “Why not?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me today,” I told him. “I’m drunk.”
“I can tell.”
“I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
I shrugged. “For just showing up here. For ruining your date tonight.”
“You didn’t ruin it,” he said.
I shrugged again, not really believing that. “Can I crash here?”
Will nodded and smiled. “Sure.” He walked to the fridge and taking out a bottled water, he handed it to me. “Drink that.”
“You always look after me,” I murmured.
He put his hand to my face. “Of course I do.”
I grabbed his face and pulled his forehead to mine. “Don’t give up on finding someone,” I told him. “You deserve someone who’s better than that Grant guy.”
He looked at me, long and hard, like he was going to say something important, but instead he pulled away from me. “I’ll just grab you blanket,” he said quietly.
I dropped my hands from where I was touching him and as he walked down the hall, I made my way to his living room and all but fell onto the sofa.
When I woke up, my shoes were off and I had a blanket over me. The shades were drawn to keep out the sunlight, and the smell of toast and coffee was coming from the kitchen.
Even hung over, I smiled.
“You’re kidding, right?” I asked.
“Nope,” Will said with a smile. “I’m swearing off men.”
“Because of a few lousy dates?”
He sipped his coffee to hide his smile. “And I’m not going out just to watch you pick up random strangers.”
“Then pick up random strangers with me,” I suggested.
“No thanks.”
He pushed his plate over to me and I picked at what was left of his lunch. “So you won’t come to the club with me tonight?”
“No.”
“But it’s Friday!”
“Don’t care. Still not going.”
I sighed. “Well, then I won’t go either.”
“You what?”
I shrugged and sipped my soda. “I told you what happened last time. I don’t fancy having another freak-out in a bathroom cubicle. And I don’t fancy seeing that Pringles-ad guy in a hurry. He must think I have erectile dysfunction problems.”
Will smiled at the waitress who was standing at our table. “I’d like to apologize for my friend here.”
She was an older woman, maybe fifty, with a hard face and badly dyed black hair. She spoke with a Russian accent. “It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize for erectile problems. I can give you the name of a doctor. He help my husband.” The woman clenched her fist. “No problems now.”
Oh dear Lord.
“I don’t have erectile problems,” I said quietly. “Thank you for the offer. I’m glad your husband can… that his…” I clenched my fist, but then looked at it as though my own hand had betrayed me. Will burst out laughing, and I shook my head. “That’s not what I meant. Oh God.” I looked at the waitress. “I’m glad your husband’s okay now,” I said, then I glared at Will. “I think we need to go back to work.”
I paid the bill while Will cheerfully discussed dysfunction issues with our ever-so-descriptive waitress.
Hearing how rock-hard her husband was now and how his gonads would draw up before he shot his load damn near made me hurl.
Will thought it was fucking hilarious.
He laughed all the way back to work, and he chuckled to himself for the rest of the afternoon.
“I don’t have that problem,” I repeated, refusing to say the words erectile dysfunction to him again. “It was just one time, and it wasn’t even that particular problem. It was in my head.”
“Okay. If you say so,” he mumbled, but then he laughed.
“I just freaked out or something.”
Will appeared at the top of the cubicle. “You know I’m only joking, right?”
“No, you’re not joking,” I said. “You’re being mean and very un-best-friend-like.”
Will laughed and sat back down on his side of the partition wall. Then the bastard started to hum the Pringles ad song.
I stood up and spoke to him over the cubicle wall. “That’s not even funny.”
“Oh my God,” Will said, laughing. “It is so funny. I’m actually amazed at how funny it is.”
“I’m never telling you anything again,” I told him. “And, all cape privileges are officially revoked. You were never cool enough to wear the tights anyway.”
Will grinned at me. “Is that your comeback? You’re gonna demote me to Alfred?” he asked. His eyes were shining. “Because the old guy had style. I could rock a three-piece suit and a feather duster.”
“Well, you have the lack-of-humor thing down pat,” I told him. “And I don’t even want to know what you’d do to a feather duster.”
“Oh please,” Will scoffed. “I bet Alfred had it goin’ on. He was probably secretly banging The Joker or Mr Freeze. Actually, Mr Freeze kind of had it going on.”
“Well, I know what we can do for you, Alfred!” I declared. “How about I put one of your dildos in the freezer and we find out just how much you liked the big cold guy?”
Will’s eyes went wide then darted over my shoulder, and even as he faced his computer screen, I could tell his face was going red. His gaze quickly darted past me again and he cleared his throat. The room had gone deathly quiet.
I turned around slowly, but I already knew my boss was behind me.
“Care to repeat that, Mr Gattison?” Hubbard said gruffly.
In that nanosecond, I tried to think of cable-related words that sounded like dildos or freezer that I could pass off as work related. I had nothing.
I cleared my throat. “Um, well, no, I’d rather not.”
I heard a strange noise coming from Will’s side of the cubicle, but didn’t dare look at him.
“Something funny, Mr Parkinson?” Hubbard barked.
“No, sir,” Will replied. His voice kind of squeaked, and he cleared his throat again. “Not at all.”
Hubbard looked between the two of us. “I swear, I should separate you two.”
And the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. Or before I could think, apparently. “But we is like peas and carrots.”
Maybe the Forrest Gump voice was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.
Because my manager clenched his jaw and spoke through gritted teeth. “Gattison. My office. Now.”
Fuck.
“Unprofessional, unethical, inappropriate, and juvenile,” I said into the phone. Will laughed from the kitchen and Carter’s loud laughter echoed down the phone.
“It’s not that funny,” I told Carter. “It’s my second official warning.”
“Your second?” he asked.
“Well the first was about a year ago,” I told him. “It was hardly an indictable offense. It was more of a social experiment.”
Will laughed as he put my beer on the coffee table and sat down on the other sofa. “It was my first week,” he called out, loud enough for Carter to hear. “I think he was trying to impress me!”
“Did you cross-dress again?” Carter asked.
“One of the girls on the tenth floor had been reprimanded for her wardrobe, so I wore skirt and heels to prove that George Michael was right: the clothes do not make the man.”
“Or a woman, so it seems,” Will said.
Carter laughed. “I take it your boss didn’t appreciate your efforts?”
“Well, he didn’t appreciate me taking off my bra in the lunch room,” I told him. “They itch like a bastard.”
Carter roared laughing, and Will shook his head at me. “Carter,” he called out. “He only took his shirt off when I walked in.”
I sighed impatiently. “It wasn’t my exposed chest he liked,” I said into the phone. “It was my ass in a skirt with tights and heels.”
“Mark,” Carter said with laugh. “What is it with you and dressing like a woman?”
“I am completely comfortable with my masculinity,” I said proudly. “But here, talk to Will. I just remembered something.”
I threw my cell phone to Will and slid my laptop around to face me. While he spoke to first Carter and then Issac, I was busy buying our Halloween outfits online.
Will covered the mouthpiece of the phone. “Did you want to talk to Isaac?”
“Sure,” I answered with a grin. I took the phone. “Hello, gorgeous.”
“I hear you got into trouble at work,” he said. I could almost hear him smile.
“Yeah. My boss has no sense of humor. Apparently frozen dildos are not appropriate topics for conversation in the workplace.”
Isaac laughed. “I can’t imagine why.”
“I hate my job,” I told him. “It’s sucking the life out of me.”
“And not in a good way,” Isaac added.
I snorted. “Nope. Definitely not.” Then I said, “I just ordered mine and Will’s Halloween costumes online.”
“You what?” Will asked, almost choking on his beer.
“I just ordered your Halloween costume,” I told him.
“I take it he didn’t know,” Isaac said into phone, obviously hearing Will.
“Not exactly,” I answered. “But he’ll love it.”
Will grabbed the laptop and stared at the screen, and then looked at me somewhat bewildered. “Wonder Woman?”
“No, I’m going as Wonder Woman,” I said. “Jeez, Will, give me some credit. As if you have the legs for boots and stockings.”
Will glared at me, thankfully not able to hear Isaac’s muffled laughter through the phone.
“Then pray tell,” Will said seriously, “who the fuck am I going as?”
“Superman,” I told him disbelievingly. How could he not remember? “I told you that before.”
“But he wears boots and tights too!” he cried. “How is that different from Wonder Woman?”
“Wonder Woman wears a corset!”
“Superman wears spandex!”
“Lycra,” I corrected him. “And underpants on the outside.”
Isaac was still laughing, but I could hear him relaying the conversation to Carter, who was next to speak into the phone. “Sounds like you two are having the usual superhero conversation,” he said. “Just remember, our wedding is two weeks after Halloween.”
“Plenty of time,” I reassured him. “If I end up hogtied on a train in the middle of the Canadian wilds, I have two weeks to get home.”
“And two weeks for his hair to grow back!” Will called out.
I gasped, and my free hand automatically went to my hair. “You do that, Will, you shave my head and you’ll be on the freight train to Canada, hogtied to a moose.”
Will rolled his eyes and put his hand out, silently asking for the phone. I handed it to him with a childlike pout. He snatched it from me, shaking his head. “Yeah, Carter, it’s me. Has he always been so juvenile?”
The doorbell intercom buzzed. I stood up and stuck my tongue out at Will for good measure. I pressed the button. “Ribs delivery.”
Halle-freakin-lujah.
I got the cash, paid the delivery guy, and slid our dinner onto the coffee table. I held out my hand, indicating I wanted my phone back. Will said goodbye to Carter and handed me my phone.
“Hey, Car,” I said. “You can stop planning your intervention on me for my obsession with juvenile discussion and cross-dressing. You and Will can save your fan-club banter for another day. We have ribs and football.”
Carter laughed. “You’re not juvenile.” Then he added, “When you’re at work, you’re very mature. But when you’re not at work…”
“That’s not fair,” I said adamantly. “I can be just as equally immature at work, as today clearly showed. It even says so in my written warning. Juvenile,” I repeated.
“You probably shouldn’t be proud of that,” Carter said.
“Yeah, well,” I said with a sigh. “Hubbard can kiss my ass.”
“I thought you liked your job,” Carter said.
“Not lately.” I didn’t bother telling him I’d been a little out of sorts recently. “It’s lost its luster.”
“If you hate your job, then find something that makes you happy,” he said.
“Yeah, like what the hell would I do?” I asked. “I’m a boring-as-hell structured cabling engineer, so unless someone needs a human sleeping pill, I’m stuck doing what I do.”
Carter sighed. “Wanna know what I think?”
“That I should hang up and eat these ribs before Will eats them all?”
Carter snorted out a laugh. “Well, yes, that too. But Mark, you should quit and move to Boston.”
“Carter,” I said seriously. “The world doesn’t need another unemployed comedian. You should stick to being vet.”
“I’m being serious!” he said.
I looked at Will, who was oblivious to Carter’s suggestion, and the thought of moving away from him made me feel a bit nauseous. Or maybe that was my stomach telling me to eat. “Carter, I adore you, but these ribs are hot and the Patriots are about to kick off.”
“See? You even follow the Boston football team.”
“Only because Connecticut doesn’t have one,” I shot back at him. “Now be quiet. Give your man a big kiss for me.”
I clicked off the call and threw my phone down on the sofa beside me. After I’d eaten a few ribs and the game had well and truly started, Will asked, “Are you really not happy at work?”
I tossed a rib bone back into the tray and licked the barbeque sauce off my fingers. “Dunno. Not really.”
Will nodded slowly. “Are you thinking of leaving?”
“I don’t know,” I told him truthfully. “You’re not happy there either.”
“Aren’t I?” he asked.
“You haven’t been happy there for a while, have you?”
This time it was Will who shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“The difference between us is you still love engineering,” I told him.
“You don’t?”
I drained my beer. “I wish I did, then it wouldn’t mean I wasted all those years at college for nothing.”
Will snorted. “Carter told me they were years well spent.”
I laughed and held up my empty bottle. “Want another beer?”
“Sure,” he answered. Then when I was in the kitchen, Will asked, “What are you gonna do? With work, I mean. Will you leave?”
I handed him a beer and sat down across from him. “I have no clue. Carter thinks I should move to Boston.”
Will nodded, and his brow furrowed. “Would you do that?”
I sighed deeply. “And leave you? What would you do without me?”
He gave me a sad smile. “Or your mom. What would she do without you?”
“Oh, man! Did you have to mention her?” I whined. “Now she’ll freakin’ call.” And I swear, not even ten seconds later, my cell phone rang. I glared at Will. “I hate you.”
Will smiled behind his beer bottle as I answered the phone. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hello, darling.”
“How are you, Mom?”
“Oh, I’m just fine,” she said. It sounded like she sipped a drink. “Where’s Will?”
“He’s right here. We’re watching the game.”
“I thought you’d be out on the town,” she said. “Why aren’t you out having a good time?”
“I am having a good time,” I said. “But we’re not out clubbing because Will’s sworn off men.”
“He’s what?”
“Sworn off men,” I repeated, and Will slumped back into the sofa and groaned.
“What’s wrong with him?” Mom asked, sounding concerned. “Did something happen? Is he hurt?”
“No, Mom, he’s fine,” I reassured her.
“Well, I have the best remedy for him,” Mom said. “Next weekend is the Meadows Country Club annual open day. He can be my date.”
“What exactly is an annual open day?”
“It’s the annual fundraising day. Croquet, polocrosse, that kind of thing.”
“Sounds like Will would love it. Considering he’s never dating again, I’m sure he’s free,” I said with a grin.
Will glared at me. “What the hell am I doing?”
“Here, Mom, you can tell Will what he’s doing next weekend. He sounds kind of excited.”
Will’s nostrils flared as he snatched the phone from my outstretched hand. He listened to the phone for a while, I presumed while my mother gave him a hundred questions. “Well, I haven’t sworn off men permanently…” He listened for a while longer, then he grimaced and shuddered. “No, I haven’t taken to licking clams.”
I burst out laughing and Will tried to kick me. “Actually,” he said, smiling into the phone, “Mark was just telling me that he was moving to Boston.”
My mouth dropped open. “You didn’t…”
Will grinned. “No, seriously, that’s what he said… Yep, Boston… Well, no, he got another official reprimand at work today.”
I threw a sofa cushion at his head, then launched myself at him. I tackled him into the back of the sofa and grabbed the phone. I might have used my knee and then dug my fingers into his ribs, but it was a win-at-all-costs situation.
“Mom?” I asked, pushing off Will and sliding toward the end of the sofa. “Don’t believe him. Will’s turned evil and is holding me hostage.”
“Of course he is, dear,” my mom said.
“Yes, and he made me eat ribs and now he’s making me watch football,” I told her. “I’m sure the Geneva Convention prohibits it.”
“Yes, you sound like you’re having a terrible time,” she replied sarcastically. “Tell Will it’s not torture unless he uses handcuffs and a spanking paddle… Now that I think of it, that’s not really torture at all.”
“Goodbye, Mom.”
“See you next weekend, darling.”
“Me?” I cried. “How did I get lumped into going to the old people’s home?”
“It’s not an old people’s home. It’s a country club,” she scolded me. “Well, most of the people are old, but they have a bar. Like I said, croquet, polocrosse, that kind of thing. It’s for the old-money types.”
“The only thing old money about you, Mom, is that you happen to marry old men for their money.”
I could hear Mom sip her drink. “I never said I came from old money, darling. I said I came with someone else’s old money.”
“You’re terrible.”
“Well, all of us country club ex-wives need a lot of money,” she said. “Sex with the stable boys at the club isn’t cheap you know.”
I almost choked. “Mom! You made me spit my beer.”
My dearest mother hummed into the phone. “Maybe you wouldn’t be single, darling, if you learned to swallow properly.”
“Goodbye, Mom.”