“So, let me get this straight.” Dani Michaels reclined her long, lean body in one of Erin’s kitchen chairs, the eminently 1970s American orange plastic and chrome a sharp contrast to her quasi-Italian, quasi-Spanish, wholly unknown heritage. Sitting there in her tank top and yoga pants, Dani looked both exotic and hard at the same time, and now she focused her large, dark eyes on Erin with supreme skepticism. “This guy you have never told me about but who is your ex-boyfriend-turned-freaking-Army Ranger is coming over here for dinner. Tonight. And you don’t know how to play this.”
“Well, we ended on such bad terms, I never thought I’d ever see him again,” Erin said. “But yesterday, he was right there at the funeral, and—”
Dani passed a hand over her face. “I’m sorry, did Erin Connelly get kidnapped by a pod person? What funeral? How did I not know about a funeral?”
“You were busy, Dani. It’s not like you tell me where you go every day.”
“But—,” Dani said, then shrugged. “Okay, fair enough. But maybe you should start at the beginning. Like why your ex was at a funeral.” She waggled her brows. “And about how he’s an Army Ranger and stuff.”
Erin eyed her balefully, suddenly wishing she hadn’t told Dani anything about tonight. But it just seemed too…big for her to manage by herself, right now. Too important. And she couldn’t even tell Dani the critical parts, or her streetwise, grim-eyed housemate would call in every favor she was owed to protect Erin. It was just who she was. Dani Michaels might tell you she had a list of flaws as long as her tattooed arm, but she was loyal. And she was fierce.
And now she was fiercely staring at Erin. “You know I’m not going to give up until you spill. I’ve got all day, and you clearly took off work to have this little powwow with me. So start powing.”
Erin sighed. “The beginning beginning, or the this-week beginning?”
“Hit me with the funeral first,” Dani said. “Who died?”
“Zander—my ex-boyfriend—his father died. He was a colonel.”
She lifted her brows. “He died in combat?”
Erin shook her head ruefully. “No, no. A heart attack. He’s been teaching at the Army War College, or that’s what I read in his obit. I wouldn’t have wanted him as a professor, though. He was mean as a snake. Cold-eyed, stony-faced, total control freak.” She shook her head. “He and Zander were like night and day.”
“Doesn’t sound like the kind of guy who would call his kid Zander, either.”
Erin smiled, a tiny bit of the tightness in her chest easing. “Oh, he didn’t. Zander’s full name is Alexander. For Alexander the Great.”
“The conqueror, got it,” Dani said. “Only that’s a hell of a mouthful for a little boy, and—”
“And Zander insisted on being called Zander. From, like, four on, according to family lore. That was just the beginning, too. As clamped-down as his dad was, Zander was every bit as loose, easy. Always taking risks, always getting into trouble. Never too much trouble, of course. He never wanted to make his dad look bad. But in the early days, I guess they were moving around from base to base anyway, so any trouble would have been cut off almost before it could begin, regardless.”
Dani nodded. “Okay, so now Zander’s in the army, too? On his own way to becoming a colonel?”
“No,” Erin said stiffly. “A colonel is an officer rank. Zander is enlisted, not an officer. He’s currently a staff sergeant.”
“Meaning what? He went in at eighteen instead of going to college first? That’s how that works, right?”
“Right.” Erin nodded. “And that’s the way-back part of the story. Because four years ago, Zander and I were dating and…we broke up really ugly. Then he went to the army, I went to school, and we pretty much never talked again.”
“Whoa. Never?” Dani brought her chair down onto the linoleum floor with a thunk. “This isn’t World War Two, yo. They have this thing called the Internet. And cell phones.”
“We broke up really ugly,” Erin said again. Why is it no one seemed to understand this?
“Ugly, like how?” Dani said, pushing. “What could possibly have happened that was so freaking awful that A, you’ve never talked again and B, you’re still this messed up about it four years later? I mean, come on, Erin. How bad could it have been?”
“I…I pretty much destroyed him.” Erin could barely get the words out, never mind that Dani was staring at her and all she could do was stare right back, wanting to say more, needing to say more, but her throat closed up and tears pounded against the back of her eyes and her chest got tight and her hands clenched. And just like that, she found herself slipping back to a place that she’d sworn she’d never, ever go again….
“C’mon, Zander, I mean it. You don’t need to be that guy tonight. We’re just having fun.” Erin tried to keep her voice light, easy, but she’d seen the look in Zander’s eyes when Kevin Clark and his asshole best friend had driven up onto the Point. They’d been hanging out all evening with their usual group of friends, partying, laughing, enjoying the warm summer night well past everyone’s curfew. Well past Erin’s, too, but that was never a problem, of course. Gran trusted her with Zander, and had since the moment they’d started dating last summer. Zander’s family was all army, all the way, and that meant he was capital-S Safe.
But Zander wasn’t safe. He’d never really been safe. He lived to feel the rush, to take the risk, not ever knowing when to back down, to shut up, to retreat to fight another day. And now that he’d turned eighteen and was talking about West Point and the army and all the things—all the wild, insane, straight-out-of-video-games things he would do when he got a chance to really show off—well, he almost scared her sometimes. He seemed so ready to burst at the seams, so much like a firecracker set to blow at any second, that she hardly even knew him anymore. And whenever she tried to bring it up to him, he’d just joke and laugh it off.
Like he laughed off so many things, recently, including any talk of their future together. She supposed he was every bit as nervous as she was at the whole idea of being apart—meeting new people, going different places. But that was why people talked, right? Even if she and Zander never took the time to talk, as caught up as they were in the moment, in each other, in—
Zander’s bright laugh cut across her thoughts.
“Whatya mean? We’re all still having fun,” he said, a little too loudly, looking over to where Kevin and his buddy were lounging against their cars, drinking beer. Everyone was drinking beer, even Zander, though she suspected—hoped—his longneck bottle was more for show.
But now she wanted him away from here, wanted all of this to stop. She smiled up at him with a look she knew he’d recognize, her eyes full of promise. “Hey, how ’bout you and me leave, then,” she said coyly. “We can go down to the water, see what kind of trouble we can get into down there.”
Zander’s brows lifted, and his grin got even bigger. “That sounds about perfect.” He nodded. “But lemme do this first.” He raised his voice, loud enough for it to carry over the open space, the large rocks of the Point serving as a natural amplifier before the wind swept his words out to sea. “I’m just saying I pretty much think my Dodge can beat anything on the road right now, is all.”
“Yeah? Well, I think you’re full of shit.” The words Kevin shouted back across the Point were a sneer, and his buddy laughed as if this was the funniest thing he’d ever heard in his life.
That was all Zander needed. “You think so?” He jumped up, all energy and fire, tossing his keys and snatching them back out of the air, one of his favorite moves. Erin frowned, watching Kevin stagger a bit as he turned back toward his car. She tried to catch Zander’s arm, but he shook her off. With his natural charisma and go-go force, everything started happening too fast then, their friends up on their feet as they realized another race was on.
It’d been like this all summer, Zander daring anyone to catch him, dust and gravel flying as their cars streaked down the access road, then doubled back up to the Point, in full view of everyone. The road was rough and narrow, with rocky embankments on both sides in some places, hemming the cars in, but that just added to the fun, right?
“Zander, don’t do this,” Erin said again, her voice sounding panicked even to her own ears. “Kevin looks like he’s had way too much to drink, and he’s out of control at the best of times. Just let it go.”
“I got this, babe. Just chill.” Zander looked out over their friends and grinned, reveling in the moment. “You guys ready for a race?” he yelled.
Wild cheering broke out and Zander was revved now, amped up on speed and adrenaline. “Excellent!” He grinned over at Kevin. “In fact, I got five hundred dollars saying I can take you down.”
“Hope you got that money on you, dipfuck.” Kevin leered and tossed his bottle to the ground, yanking open the door of his Mustang, as his buddy pounded on its hood. “Because you’d better say good-bye to it.”
And then they were in their cars and off. Erin braced herself for the tight hysteria that always came with these damned races, with Zander’s need for everything to be pushed faster and faster. She almost closed her eyes as they screamed out of the Point—but she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. She’d trained herself to take back what control she could when Zander—when anyone—went off half-cocked like this, and she took her phone out, readying to call 911. That number was sort of her talisman, her safety net. If she called 911, then help would come, no matter what happened or how. She’d never had to do it—didn’t want to do it—but, by God, she was ready to take the precautions that no one else in the screaming crowd was even thinking about.
The cars made the distant turn and revved back up the hill, racing for the Point again, engines screaming in the night. And they were close to each other, too close, Erin thought, way too close for where they were and how the road narrowed and—
Erin saw the accident happen in slow motion, the move so stupid, so completely insane that she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even think. Kevin had somehow decided he could pull ahead of Zander by going up onto the embankment, and he angled his Mustang toward the side of the road and floored it. Only the car hit an outcropping of jagged rock halfway up the steep hill, and the Mustang went completely airborne for a few sickening seconds before landing impossibly hard on its side. It skidded across the road with a roar of grinding metal and bashed into the opposite embankment, the impact knocking it back down onto its wheels.
Zander’s car was already screeching to a halt and skidding around, but Erin’s entire field of vision was filled with Kevin’s crushed Mustang and the smoke billowing out of it. Kevin wasn’t moving inside, and his windows were shattered, the airbag clearly deployed. She had to do something, she had to act! Her heart thudding wildly, Erin pounded her fingers on the phone screen and then there was someone there, a woman asking her what was wrong. Erin began shouting into the phone, saying there was an accident, a horrible accident, that there’d been a crash and people were hurt and they needed to send someone right now, right now, right now!
She broke off the call and raced forward, not knowing what else to do. Zander had reached the vehicle and had pulled the car door open, and now he was inside where Kevin lay—saying something, doing something, she didn’t know what. But when he pulled Kevin out of the Mustang, Erin stopped short, her hands flying to her mouth. Kevin’s face was a ravaged mess of blood and gore, his hair white from the powder released by the exploding airbag that hadn’t been enough to completely break his forward motion. He staggered against Zander, who was talking fast. “You’re good, man, you’re good. We’ll get you cleaned up, we’ll get your car fixed up, it’s all gonna be okay.”
Cleaned up? Was he insane? Kevin needed a hospital! But Zander was calm, confident, just like he always was, though now his hands were moving with quick, efficient jerks, flicking in front of Kevin’s eyes. “Help is coming!” Erin tried to call out, but she could barely draw breath. There was so much blood and heat, and the Mustang was still smoking from something, and Erin realized that she was screaming and Zander was shouting and the rest of the group were yelling and then, suddenly a sound blared across the Point that sent everyone running, everyone but Zander and Kevin and Erin, who was still so caught up in the horror of what she was seeing that she didn’t have eyes or ears for anything else, not even for the—
Sirens.
Erin shook herself back to the present. She pressed her hands against her eyes, as if she could unsee all of that night, from Zander pushing for the race to happen to that call, that stupid call, to Zander getting hauled away from Kevin and blindly striking out at the uniformed men, only to get handcuffed for his troubles. And then Zander had seen her standing there with her cellphone, and he’d put it all together, his eyes filling with rage and horror, and such soul-shattering shock that she could ever—that anyone could ever, but especially her, his girlfriend, the one who supposedly loved him—that she could ever betray him so completely and unutterably.
And of course she hadn’t understood, hadn’t realized that an arrest for a boy who was on his way to West Point was pretty much the beginning of the end of a dream that had been crafted for Zander when he’d still been in the cradle.
She’d figured that out later, of course, but by then it was too late. By then she’d lost her chance to explain her side of the story, her fear and outrage, her need to take control because people were hurt, people were in danger, and no one was willing to stop long enough to make sure they were safe.
And even that sounded stupid now. But it had seemed so big, so important that night to make her point. She hadn’t wanted Zander to get arrested. She hadn’t even considered that as a possibility. She’d just wanted everything to stop. She’d just wanted somebody to stop, for once in her life, to stop and listen to reason and not just do the first outrageous, impossible thing that came into their minds, and—
“Honey, whoa, whoa, whoa.” Dani was leaning forward now, her hands on the table. Erin looked up, realizing she’d stopped talking at some point, her eyes now blurry with tears she refused to shed. “What in fuck’s name did this guy do to you after you made that call?” Dani asked. “Did he hit you?”
“What? No!” Erin shook her head, hard, the shock at what Dani was suggesting sending a jolt down her spine. “No, it was nothing like that. He really didn’t do anything but yell that night. But he was right, Dani. What I did…” She shook her head again, finally able to give the words life. “I didn’t understand it at first, but I basically ended his life.”
“Shut up,” Dani said, her eyes going so wide that Erin could sense the sarcasm coming long before it passed her housemate’s lips. “Death by cellphone? Like, he’s an Army Ranger zombie now?”
“I’m serious, Dani,” Erin snapped. “I made the call that got Zander arrested. You can’t get into West Point if you’ve been arrested, or if you can, Zander’s father either didn’t have that kind of pull or refused to exercise it. And Zander knew that immediately, the night this all happened. I didn’t understand at first, and by the time I did, it was all over.” Erin drew in a shuddering breath. “So Zander ended up enlisting the very next day. I think Gran Ginny told me that, actually, days later. God knows I never went out to the cape again after that night.”
“And you never spoke to him again,” Dani said.
“Not really,” Erin muttered. There had been one time, yes. And hadn’t that been an epic fail.
But Dani wasn’t done yet. “So that was it for you guys. Four years in the military, and neither one of you unbent enough to admit that you were wrong and ask for forgiveness?”
Erin scowled at her. “Since when do you ask for forgiveness?”
“I don’t.” Dani shrugged. “But I’m not you. Making things right is important to you, and if your Zander’s as Boy-Scouty as he sounds, it’s important to him, too. But not so important, apparently, for either of you, that you’d actually give up anything for it.”
Erin’s frown deepened. “Aren’t you supposed to be helping here?”
“Nope.” Dani grinned at her. “But I’m about to. He’s coming over tonight, isn’t he? You want me to find somewhere else to sleep?”
“What? No.” Erin’s eyes widened. “Dani, it’s not like that. It’s food and conversation, nothing more. I’m not even expecting him until six or whatever. I figured I’d just paint upstairs until dinner is done, then come down and get everything together. But we’re just going to talk, seriously. I’m not turning the entire brownstone into some sort of love nest.”
“Why not?” Dani asked. “He’s home, what, for just a couple weeks? Why not make things right while he’s still in town?”
“Because he hates me, maybe? That seems like a pretty good reason.”
“Oh, give it up.” Dani shook her head. “I mean, yeah, you guys aren’t likely to fall back into each other’s arms permanently, if enlisting versus being an officer is still that big of a deal to him. I get that. But you guys dated for what, two years?” She continued at Erin’s nod. “And I assume it was pretty good other than the part where you had the shit scared out of you and you called the cops?” Erin nodded again. “Well, there you go. Focus on the good stuff. Give yourself permission to get him out of your system for good. He probably wants the same thing, if he’s going to all the trouble to come over here tonight.”
Erin winced. Zander had said almost the exact same words. Get it out of their systems. “I guess,” she said. “But either way. He’ll be gone by eleven o’clock tonight or whatever. The coast will absolutely be clear by then.”
“Sure it will,” Dani said. She pushed out her chair. “So I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” She grinned. “Or afternoon. Whatever.”