June was Clara’s favourite month. The weather was warmer, her favourite roses were in bloom and the days were longer. Except this year, she would have preferred shorter days so she could have spent more time in bed, asleep. It was only while she was sleeping that she didn’t feel the daily pain of missing Lane. Aside from being with Humphrey, tending to her roses was the only bit of joy she could find lately.
On this particular morning, she had spent time in her garden cutting roses with Juliet, who was in town with her husband looking for a house to buy. Now that her niece had left, she was arranging a bunch of pink and yellow roses in a green Sèvres vase that rested on the harpsichord in her drawing room when Humphrey attempted to gnaw on the leg of the instrument.
‘Humphrey, no.’ She used her firmest voice and he stopped what he was doing and looked up at her with his big dark eyes. ‘You have already destroyed my favourite slippers. You will not be attacking my furniture as well. Go play with your bone.’
Humphrey tilted his head, his black ears flopping with the movement, and looked back to where she was pointing with her clippers to the bone that Darby had brought up for him from the kitchen. He let out what could only be described as a sniff and then went back to chewing on the wooden leg.
‘No!’ She nudged him gently with her foot.
Finally, the little scamp walked away, but not before letting out a few yaps in protest first. He wasn’t even gone for five minutes before he starting barking again and ran to her side to tug at the bottom of her white-muslin dress with his teeth.
‘Humphrey, stop! You will rip my dress.’
He let out a series of more barks and, if the commotion brought Mrs Collingswood to her door, complaining that he was disturbing the woman’s nap again, she would not allow her dog out in the garden for the rest of the week.
‘Humphrey!’
He finally stopped barking and ran away. A peaceful stillness descended on the room and she took in the soft sounds coming through the open windows of the birds chirping in the distant trees and faint voices carrying on the wind. This was what her life had sounded like before that dog came into it.
After a few minutes, the bucolic sounds became too peaceful. She snipped another stem and stuck the yellow rose into the vase, listening for any sound behind her. If Humphrey was this quiet, it might mean that he had found something else to chew. As she turned around to see if he had perhaps left the room, she spotted him standing near the door with his tail wagging. Her entire body froze. Crouched down in the doorway, Lane was rubbing Humphrey behind his ears and watching her intently with his lovely blue eyes. At the very sight of him, it became difficult to breathe.
His eyes remained on her as Humphrey continued to lick his hand before he gave the dog a final pat on the head and stood up and adjusted the cuffs of his navy-linen coat. Humphrey let out a series of happy barks as he took a few steps back. All the while his tail continued to swish from side to side and, like Clara, his attention did not waver from the man in front of him.
They stood twenty feet apart and it was as if neither of them wanted to take a step forward for fear of breaking this perfect moment. Slowly he walked towards her and the highly polished leather of his black boots shone in the sunlight. Clara had to blink a few times to make certain she wasn’t imagining things.
He stopped about a foot away from her and seemed to study her as if he was savouring this moment of seeing her once more. She didn’t think they would ever be in the same room together again. She didn’t think if he ever came back to Bath that he would seek her out. The shock of being this close to him ran through her body and she placed her hand over her ribs in the hopes of steadying her heart that was thundering in her chest.
‘I don’t even know how to begin thanking you for what you did for me.’
The token. Of course, that was why he was here. It had nothing to do with his feelings about her. He knew she was all wrong for him. For all she knew he had already found some woman to replace her—someone younger.
‘How did you get in here?’
‘Lady Juliet let me in. She was leaving your home just as I was about to knock. She told me that there was a chance you would not agree to see me and that she thought it was important that I did.’
It was impossible to take a deep breath even though she was trying.
‘Why would you not have wanted to see me?’
Because my heart cannot take the additional pain of having you leave me twice. And you need to leave again...for your own happiness.
She was saved by Humphrey, who sprang up from where he had been lying next to Lane and raced out the door. The smell of the evening roast from down in the kitchen was drifting into the room and she knew where he was headed. Needing a reprieve from Lane’s masculine presence, she walked over and closed the door to the room.
‘I take it you received the package I sent,’ Clara stated on her way back to standing near him, knowing that was the only thing that could have brought him back to her door.
‘I did. Lord Andrew delivered it as you requested. How did you know where I lived?’
‘You had mentioned it the last time I saw you.’
He took a step closer so they were less than two feet apart. ‘Clara, there are no adequate words to express how grateful I am to you for what you have done for me...how important that token is to me.’
Taking her hand in his, he brought it to his lips and kissed it. The brief touch spread a rush of warmth throughout her entire body. Needing to protect her heart, she pulled her hand out of his and clasped both her hands together in front of her.
‘I hope that token helped you find some peace in answering some of the questions you had.’
His attention was on her hands. ‘It did.’
‘Would you care to have a seat?’ She gestured to the gilded sofa and held her breath, afraid he would say he was too busy to stay.
Thank heavens he nodded and followed her to the sofa. Even though he was raised as an orphan, he possessed exceptional manners and waited until she was seated before he sat down beside her.
‘I have to ask, how were you able to find it? How did you even know it existed?’
She fiddled with the white muslin of her dress that covered her knee because it was becoming too painful to look at him. ‘I didn’t know for certain, but I knew there was a chance your mother had left something with you.’
There was an intensity in his expression when she looked up at him, as if he were paying close attention to every syllable she uttered. ‘Years ago, I had been on a fundraising committee at the Hospital. I’d been through the building a number of times and know the procedure for how the children are taken in. I was shown tokens that were left with some of the children who had been admitted that week. Not all look like yours. I’ve seen scraps of cloth and single playing cards. All sorts of things, really. And not every mother leaves something. I only hoped that your mother had.’
‘But I don’t understand. How did you even find it? How do you know it’s mine?’
‘I knew the year of your birth. The information that was taken when you were admitted was sealed in a billet with that token and your new name. It took some time going through all the billets for 1782 and 1783.’
‘I was told that information about me would never be released.’
‘It’s not supposed to be.’ She looked away, embarrassed to admit the next bit. ‘We might have circumvented the rules.’
For the first time since he arrived a hint of a smile was on his face. ‘We?’
‘I met the Dowager Duchess of Lyonsdale while we both were raising funds for the Hospital. She is still currently on the committee and knows where the records are kept and I asked her to help me. She was the one to find your billet and slipped the token into her reticule.’
He blinked and she didn’t know if it was from shock or from the sunlight in his eyes. ‘She stole it?’
‘Let’s just say it’s on permanent loan to you.’
Her heart was beating so fast she was certain it was visible through her fichu. Part of her had hoped he would come back here after receiving the token. But another part of her had feared it. She had no future with him. It would have been better if she could have just let him go, but she had wanted to give him this gift. And now she knew for certain that watching him leave her this time was going to hurt more than the last.
He searched her face. ‘Why did you go to all that trouble for me?’
‘You deserved to know the truth.’
It was the only reason she was willing to confess to him. There was no sense in letting him know how much she loved him. His future was with someone else.
‘What made you want to help the Hospital? It’s a far enough place from Bath.’
‘When I had lived in London I had another friend who would donate money to it on a regular basis. It was her favourite charity. She suggested that I become involved with it because she thought it might bring me some comfort.’
His forehead wrinkled and he shifted in his seat so he was facing more of her. ‘Comfort? How so?’
She could lie. She could invent an excuse that would have seemed plausible. But that was not who she was. She was done hiding things from the people she cared about. And it was better that he knew this about her in the event her gift to him had him considering that they had a future together.
‘I came to help the Foundling Hospital because I could not have any children of my own. You see, I never was able to carry a child to its birth. My womb has some kind of defect. That is why I never had any children.’
He stilled and, even though he was looking at her, Clara didn’t think he saw her.
‘Is that why you took the waters in Bath?’
She swallowed before nodding slowly. ‘I was advised the waters might strengthen my body. It never did work, but it became a bit of a habit, I suppose. I don’t do it now for that reason, of course. Now it just helps with the occasional ache or two.’
‘I’m sorry. That must not have been easy for you.’
A sympathetic expression showed in his eyes that touched her heart and she had to look away.
‘It wasn’t easy, but in time both Robert and I came to accept it. I wasn’t able to give the Hospital any funds. We frequently didn’t have any to spare. However, being able to help those children in any way I could somehow helped my soul heal from the loss of not having a child.’
‘So, you truly do understand where I come from. That night when I admitted it at the table and we talked afterwards, you knew I was a by-blow before I even informed you of it.’
‘I did and told you that it did not change how I felt about you. I doubt anything could.’
‘Felt...you no longer feel the same way about me?’
‘That night feels like a lifetime ago.’
‘And now?’
He was asking her to explain her feelings to him. How could she when every day she prayed that what she felt for him would soon become a distant memory? She didn’t want to love him. She didn’t want to go through life feeling as if she had lost a part of her heart. ‘Now, I hope that we remain good friends.’
His features hardened and he shook his head. ‘You are telling me that all there is between us is friendship.’
‘That’s all it can be. I am not what you want in life. I am too old for you.’
‘Why don’t you let me decide what it is I want in life?’ His voice was sharp which took her aback.
If she left it up to him, it would mean that her heart would suffer even greater pain when he realised he wanted a family and not her. She didn’t know if she would be able to endure that.
Lane had kept the token on his person ever since he had opened the parcel three days ago. It was a relief to find out his name, but the reason he had kept it with him was that it was a constant reminder that Clara had not forgotten him...that maybe, just maybe, she loved him the way he loved her.
But carrying a token around would not mend his broken heart. Only Clara could do that. She was all he wanted in his life. Everything else dimmed in comparison. He didn’t have much experience expressing his emotions. He had done everything he could in his life to hide any sign of vulnerability. But for Clara, he couldn’t allow this thing between them to fade away. He wanted her and he was going to do everything he could to make her understand that.
He let out an uneven breath and held her gaze. ‘I think what is between us is more than friendship.’
She closed her eyes. ‘Please don’t.’
‘Don’t what?’
‘Letting you go is hard enough. Don’t make it worse.’
‘Then don’t let me go.’
When she opened her eyes, he saw pain there. ‘We have no future together. It is better if we don’t prolong this.’
‘You don’t want a future with me?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘Then what are you saying?’
‘I’m saying you deserve more in life than I can give you.’ There was a catch in her voice.
‘You are what I want in my life. You are the only thing.’
‘You say that now and maybe you mean it, but you will not feel that way ten years from now. You deserve to have that family that you were denied years ago. I cannot give that to you.’ There was a pleading sound in her voice as she turned away from him. She was asking him to end this conversation and she might even be wanting him to leave.
He wasn’t going anywhere.
‘All I want is you.’ He placed his hand gently on her clasped hands when what he really wanted to do was hold her tightly and not let her go. ‘Clara, look at me... Clara.’
She turned with tears streaming down her beautiful face. His heart twisted a bit more as he placed soft kisses on her eyelids in an attempt to stop her tears.
‘You are all the family I need. I have never had a father and have no idea how to be one. While I have thought of having children, I cannot miss anything that I have not had. I cannot miss children that do not exist. We don’t need children to be a family, Clara. You and I are all the family I could ever want.’
‘You may change your mind.’
‘Clara, if having children in my life were that important to me, don’t you think I would have made an effort to have them by now? I have been out on my own for over twenty years now. In all that time, not once has there ever been anyone who I have wanted to carry my child. I have never found anyone who I care about as much as I do you. I love you.’
He had thought when he finally said those words to her they would feel awkward on his tongue. Yet saying them now, saying them to her, just felt so natural. He needed her to understand how much he loved and cherished her. He needed her to know that she meant the world to him and that he knew she always would.
Leaning down, he softly brushed the tears from her cheeks and placed his lips on hers for a gentle kiss. It was a kiss that was meant to convey all the things that he felt about her that he could not put into words. In his heart, he hoped she loved him, too.
She moved her head back and their eyes met. He had never seen anyone look at him the way Clara was looking at him now. ‘I do love you,’ she said. ‘I love you so much and I am terrified that I will lose you.’
The words hit his chest. In all his life, no one had ever told him that they loved him. He wasn’t prepared for how much those words would affect him.
‘You will never lose me, Clara. I want to be with you always.’
What started out as a gentle caress of his lips against hers became much more urgent as she opened herself up to him and pulled him in closer. Their tongues glided over each other’s with a passion that had him wanting her so much more—needing her so much more. Her hands slid up into his hair and with each stroke of his tongue against hers, she tangled her fingers through his hair and gave a gentle tug.
He wanted to possess her completely. His hands moved to her breasts, confined in her stays and in her soft cotton gown. The passionate need inside him was growing. He needed to touch her bare skin and broke the kiss to trail his lips down the column of her neck. She smelled faintly of roses and it had become his favourite scent.
She was working at the knot of his cravat and her breathing was becoming laboured.
‘I want you,’ he said into her collarbone, licking her skin and gently squeezing her full round breasts. ‘I want to be with you more than anything.’
His cravat was tossed to the floor and she worked his coat over his shoulders. ‘I want that, too,’ she replied, breathlessly tilting her head to give him better access to the base of her neck.
She clung to him as he laid her down and trailed his hand up her leg. His desire for her was overriding everything else as he skimmed his fingers up the soft skin of her thigh until he couldn’t go any further and he sank his fingers into her warmth. He could feel her work the buttons of the fall of his breeches as she periodically arched her back as he moved his hand faster.
When she climaxed with a soft cry, he was aching for her. He was aching to fill her and claim her as his own. Her delicate hand encircled his length with a firm grip and slid up and down.
‘I want this. I want you,’ she said in between kisses.
And as he slid himself inside her for the first time, she grasped his forearms while they watched each other intently with their foreheads touching. It didn’t take long before they found a rhythm all their own through their laboured breathing. Being inside her was something he had been imagining for weeks. The reality of it was so much better. A hot tide of passion claimed them both and when they came together, his primal groan filled the room.
He rested his forehead on her shoulder as they both tried to catch their breath. She played with the waves of his hair near his collar, content to lay in his arms.
Eventually he picked his head up and looked at her. ‘The next time we do that, we will do it in a proper bed and neither one of us will have a stitch of clothing on.’
‘You sound rather confident that it will happen again.’
‘I am. When I sleep beside you every night, it’s bound to happen again a time or two.’
‘Only a time or two?’
He wanted this. He wanted her. For ever. And the fact that she wasn’t dispelling the notion made his heart feel as though it had grown in size.
‘A time or two each night.’ He needed her to know he was serious about this. He needed her to know that he wanted her for ever with every fibre of his being. ‘I love you. I did not say that to get under your skirts. I meant it.’
‘I know you did.’
He moved off her and help her up so that they were sitting side by side. They took their time fixing their clothing in silence for which he was grateful since he had to compose his thoughts. When he was ready, he turned to her.
‘I know you said you would never marry again for fear of losing control of your financial independence. That in order to feel secure, you need to own your hotel. We can draw up contracts and whatever is needed to indicate that you would remain its sole owner should you marry me. I will do anything for you not to fear for your future again. And I meant that you are everything in this world that I need. I don’t need your hotel. I need you and want to spend the rest of my life with you in my arms. I want to marry you, Clara, if you’ll have me.’
There was a catch to her breath and she brought her hand up to her lips. ‘You mean that, don’t you? You truly do.’ In her eyes, he saw it. He saw that she knew for certain there was no hesitation on his part. She knew he was earnest in his proposal.
‘I will marry you, William. I will.’
He hadn’t had anyone call him by that name in years. The sound of it on her lips touched a part of him that he didn’t even know existed. His heart was ready to burst. And more than anything he was grateful that he had found her and that she would be calling him that every day for the rest of their lives.