Gabriella
After several months of therapy, I slowly unveil all the things that happened between Sid and me.
My new therapist, Betty, has helped me come to terms with the pain I felt learning Sid tricked me regarding my birth control pills. She’s worked with Javier and me and has helped us discuss and work through things regarding the baby.
She’s the only one who knows my baby is Triker’s. Javier and I haven’t told anyone I’m pregnant, but I’m starting to show, and we’re telling my family this weekend.
Betty said it is perfectly fine no one knows the baby is biologically Triker’s. The only important thing is that we’re a loving mother and father to our baby and devoted to each other.
Javier has stayed strong for me. He’s been more of a man than I could ever have expected or dreamed, and his love for me is unwavering.
At times, I think he’s more excited about the baby than I am. And we’ve been searching for places to move to so we have room for when the baby arrives.
The confusion I feel about Sid and whether he loved me or not has almost disintegrated.
Betty helped me realize that as long as I know what a loving relationship is and what I deserve to be a part of, it’s also okay to understand everyone loves differently. While Sid Triker was a narcissist and psychopath, he probably did love me in the only way he knew how.
But I also need to understand he played mind games and manipulated me, which is not okay. And that isn’t love.
While I already know mind games and manipulation aren’t love, Betty helped me come to terms with the different things Sid did to slowly break me so I would do what he wanted and believe I had a choice in the matter.
The guilt I feel about what I did during my time with Sid has almost disappeared, except for one thing. Today is the day to work on that.
I’m in an individual session, and Betty asks, “Are you ready to tell me about the stairwell?”
I shift in my seat and take a deep breath. “Yes.”
“What happened in the stairwell? You told me everything up till that point. Do you want to go through it again or start in the stairwell?”
“I think we should just dive right into the stairwell.”
She turns her notebook to a fresh piece of paper. “Then tell me what happened, Gabriella.”
“He professed his love for me again and said he knew I would never love him, and I cut him off and told him I did.”
Tears flow down my face, and she hands me a box of tissues then patiently waits for me to continue.
“I told him all the things I hated about him. Then I said there were pieces of him I saw, and maybe they represented who he could be or who he used to be. I told him I loved him.”
“What did he say?”
“He promised me that he would do better and wanted me to love him and give him a real chance.”
“And you agreed?”
“Yes. I decided he was better than the men he kept company with. I could have been with one of them. I felt lucky I was with someone who loved and protected me. That if this had to be my life, then I should make the best of it.”
“When you think of this, what do you feel?”
“Guilt.”
“Why do you feel guilty?”
“I shouldn’t love anyone besides Javier. What I told Sid, I felt at that moment.”
“And now?”
More tears fall. “I know he was a horrible monster. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of my affection. But I want to think there is some good in the biological father of my child. That he had some lovable qualities and wasn’t completely evil.”
“Nothing you’re feeling is abnormal. Almost all mothers would want the same thing.”
“They would?” I sniffle.
“Yes.”
“I know I should hate him, but I can’t. Maybe if he wasn’t the biological father of my child, I could, but I don’t want to hate him. I know Javier wants me to, but I can’t.”
“Hate is a hard emotion to live with, too. You’re allowed to disagree with what he did to you and how he chose to live his life without choosing hatred.”
“I am?”
“Yes.” She glances at her watch. “This is good progress for today. Let’s pick this up in our next session.”
“Okay.” I rise.
“And, Gabriella?”
“Hmm?”
She pats my hand. “You’re making excellent progress. I’m very proud of you.”
“Thank you.” I step into the waiting room.
“Ready?” Javier puts his magazine down and rises.
“Yes.”
He pecks me on the lips and leads me out to the car.
We’re driving back when something I’ve never told him pops into my mind.
“Do you remember when you and Beckett told me what it was like to live in prison? During the hurricane...”
He glances at me then back at the road. “Yeah.”
“That conversation probably saved my life.”
“How’s that?”
“I kept hearing your and Beckett’s voice in my head. You kept saying, ‘You don’t allow yourself to think about things that will break you down.’ And that I had to take it one day at a time.”
He puts his hand on mine. “You did good, baby.”
“When you found out I was pregnant, before I told you, did you break down?” I blurt out.
He pulls into a parking lot and turns to me. “Why are you asking me this?”
“We’ve never talked about it.”
He gazes at the ceiling.
“Javier?” I turn his face toward me.
“Yeah. I did.”
Tears come into my eyes. “Were you by yourself?”
He slowly shakes his head. “No. Chloe was with me.”
“I’m glad you weren’t by yourself.”
He stays silent.
“Does Ryland know?”
“I’m not sure.”
I stroke his cheek. “You’re allowed to break down in front of me. You can be sad or angry.”
He closes his eyes.
I lean in and brush my lips against his. “I know you love me. And I know you’ll love our baby. But it’s okay for you to be upset about this.”
His eyes open. “Why are you telling me this right now? Was this part of your therapy?”
“No. It’s just me, worried about you.”
“You don’t need to worry about me.”
I trace the heart tattoo on his forearm. “I do. I worry you’ve put yourself in a new bubble, and you’re going to pop. That, one day, you’ll wake up and realize the bubble can’t protect you from reality.”
“Reality?”
“That you married me and took on the child of a man you hate.”
“What exactly are you trying to tell me, Gabriella? Are you trying to get out of marrying me?” Javier fumes.
“No! That’s not it at all?”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I’m trying to tell you that you can’t be my rock all the time and never think about things that will break you down. It works for the short-term bubble but not life. And I can handle it if you need to break down.”
His jaw clenches. “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. Tell me you’re pissed. You’ve never said you’re upset.”
“I’ve told you, I’m not mad at you about any of this. Nothing was your fault.”
“I’m not talking about me.”
He scrubs his face. “What do you want me to say, Gabriella?”
“I want you to tell me you’re pissed the life you envisioned with me when you proposed isn’t the reality.”
He turns away from me.
“Tell me you’re enraged Triker stole what you dreamed of the day you asked me to marry you.”
He puts the heels of his palms over his eyes. “Gabriella,” he groans.
“No. Tell me.”
“Why are you doing this?” he mumbles.
“I’m pissed. Aren’t you?”
He keeps shaking his head.
“I’m furious. Why aren’t you?”
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is I have you back,” he says in frustration.
“I’m back, but I’m not the same. We aren’t the same.”
“Now I feel like you’re trying to break up with me.”
I hold his hands. “I’m not. But aren’t you pissed? Tell me you’re just as angry as I am that he stole our life.”
“Fine. I’m pissed. He hurt you and abused you and took you away from me then fucked with your head, so, yeah, I’m pissed. And we should be married by now but aren’t because of him. Every day I wake up and pray when I open my eyes that you’re there, and I didn’t dream that you’re back. But you’re not fully back, are you? And neither am I. He stole a part of us, and I don’t know how to get it back. Is that what you want to hear?” he bellows.
“Yeah.”
Javier puts his palms back over his eyes, but tears flow everywhere. “I didn’t protect you. Then I couldn’t find you. And I knew the entire time what he was doing to you. I couldn’t sleep because I fought every night with myself about whether you would be so brainwashed by him, you would never come back to me, even if I found you. That night, I saw you kiss him, multiple times, and you appeared to be the perfect First Lady. When I put the bullet in his head, I saw you reaching for him, and then you grieved over him. You didn’t know who I was for hours after I rescued you, and the entire time I kept praying that you weren’t too far gone.”
My hand is over my mouth, and tears flow out down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Javier growls, “It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault. It’s all his fault. And I wish I didn’t put the bullet in his head because it was too merciful for all the pain he inflicted on you.”
I just cry.
Javier turns more. “And you won’t marry me. It’s been months, and you won’t set a date. You married him, but you haven’t married me. So yeah, I’m pissed.”
“All I want is to be your wife,” I cry out.
“Then why haven’t you set a date?”
“So you can change your mind.”
The car goes quiet.
Javier calms. “Gabriella, why would I change my mind? I’ve told you over and over I want to marry you.”
“I’m carrying Triker’s baby. You just said I’m messed up in the head. That’s not what you wanted when you proposed to me.”
Javier cups my cheek. “Do you know what I wanted when I asked you to marry me?”
“Not this.”
“You. All I wanted was to spend my life with you. That hasn’t changed. It’s never going to change. And the baby you’re carrying, your baby, I want that, too.”
“Are you sure?” I whisper.
“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”
I sniffle and take a shaky breath. “Okay. Let’s set a date. But I want to get married sooner rather than later.”
His face lights up. “Really?”
“Yes. You’re all I want. That will never change.”
He kisses me, and I put everything I have into it.
“Let’s set a date tonight and tell my family this weekend when we tell them about the baby.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. And I know where I want to have the ceremony and who I want to be there.”
“What do you want? Tell me.”
“I want to do it early in the morning where you proposed to me. No one else should be there if it’s early, and I only want our families and Lena there.”
He kisses me. “I think that sounds perfect.”
“And after the ceremony, I want to hang out in the hammock all day with you and not do anything else.”
He softly laughs. “You, Gabriella Brooks, are going to make me the luckiest new husband on earth.”