In order for you to start your journey to a kick-ass existence, you must take responsibility for your life.
If you are someone who points fingers and blames everyone else for your unhappy circumstances, or feel that you are just “destined to have a crappy life,” I’m talking to you.
If you are often the guest of honor at your own pity party and play the victim role too often, I’m talking to you.
If you’re this person, you might be thinking, “Doesn’t she know how hard I have it? Doesn’t she know all the awful things that have happened to me?”
Here’s the truth: Everyone has a sad story. Even heartbreaking ones. You’re not unique that way. Neither am I, nor is your Jane Doe neighbor or any celebrity you see on the E! channel. The hard truth is that the longer you stay stuck in a story of blaming your circumstances, the more you keep repeating that story to yourself and to others, the more you will remain in this same story. Do you want to remain stuck? Do you want to remain in the same story? Then stop telling it from a place of victimhood.
Your circumstances don’t mean you are “destined” for unhappiness. They don’t mean anything except they are facts and life experiences. Bottom line: Your life is made up of your circumstances. How you react and think about them is what determines your feelings and beliefs about yourself, and what shapes your reality.
For example: Let’s say you’ve gained twenty pounds in the last year from overeating and not exercising. Now you want to lose that weight.
The circumstance is that you’re twenty pounds heavier than you want to be.
The thought you might have is that you’re fat, lazy, and unattractive.
Your belief might be that you’re never going to have a relationship that you want, or get that promotion, all because of the weight.
You might be feeling sadness, low self-esteem, or unworthiness. And when you’re feeling this way, what do you think your actions might be? When people feel sad and unworthy, do you think they are motivated to maintain a healthy lifestyle and exercise? Probably not.
The thing with this pattern of thinking and subsequent feeling is that the actions taken are usually direct evidence of the original thought. So you might overeat, not exercise, and have a whirlwind of self-defeating and negative thoughts that make you feel even worse. Then your thought that, “I’m fat and unattractive” is supported by your actions. It becomes a cycle that can be hard to escape from when you’re caught in it.
But again, it’s not your circumstances that are making you feel a certain way — it’s your thoughts about them. And believe it or not, you’re choosing to keep those thoughts in your life.
Life is full of choices — big and small, conscious and subconscious. Some decisions scream at you (Should I take this job? Should I leave him?). Others are more subtle, like choosing your thoughts. I fully believe that you, with practice, can shift your thinking and choose your thoughts. You can let go of limited beliefs and self-critical insults, and then choose better ones.
What you want to do is turn negative thoughts into positive ones, which turn into committed beliefs. Those beliefs then create good feelings. And a person with good feelings, committed beliefs, and positive thoughts is likely to make smart choices that can lead to better circumstances and a kick-ass life.
I’m not asking you to move mountains here. Don’t overachieve or even over-affirm. To turn around your thoughts, simply notice your negative thoughts, and force yourself to change them into something positive. Look at what an amazing impact this can have:
NEGATIVE CHOICES |
POSITIVE CHOICES |
|
|---|---|---|
Circumstance |
You’re 20 pounds overweight. |
You’re 20 pounds overweight. |
Thought |
I’m fat, lazy, and unattractive. |
I would love to lose weight by eating better and exercising. |
Belief |
I’m never going to have a good relationship, job, etc., because I’m too fat. |
Eating healthier and exercising will give me more energy. I deserve to feel better. |
Feeling |
Sadness, low self-esteem, or unworthiness |
Motivation, pride, self-worth |
Outcome |
Your weight stays the same. |
You lose some weight and feel better. |
See how changing your thoughts from negative to positive can create a drastically different outcome? It’s not necessarily difficult to be committed to a thought or belief. Some of us feel so committed that we fill out a marriage license and get hitched. We can’t see another way and really have never even looked. Now, that’s commitment, wouldn’t you say? If it seems like being committed to a positive choice is difficult, remind yourself of a negative choice you’ve committed to. See? You can commit.
Another example: Take a belief you have that you think is a fact. Not a circumstance (such as being in debt), but a belief. For example, “I can never get out of this debt.” Ask yourself, “What if it was different?” You don’t have to completely say the opposite to yourself, or repeat any far-reaching affirmation — just get curious about the idea that it could be different. What if it was possible to get out of debt? Just consider it. Try that with any belief you have that doesn’t make you feel good. Or that isn’t empowering. Beliefs like, “All the good guys are either gay or taken.” Or, “I’m too fat to go to the gym.”
What if they were different?
And here’s another perspective. Often women become committed to disempowering beliefs because we’ve made a big deal about something we didn’t need to. We created drama (I’m sure you’ve never done that, right?) around something in our minds, and before we know it we’re in a panic or planning our own funeral.
One of my favorite all-time questions in those situations is, “What if it just wasn’t a big deal?” Allow yourself to back the hell up and really determine if your belief is really that big a deal.
Most of the time it’s not. Own your life as it really is now. When you start taking responsibility for your life — your circumstances, your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs — you can change it for the better. You can make smarter choices that lead to results that make you happy.
One of the best pieces of advice my dad gave me: You don’t have to do anything; that’s a choice, too. Just know there are consequences in your choices. And dad was 100 percent right.