Why would I dedicate an entire chapter to being of service to others? Because helping out your friends (or even strangers) is the fastest and easiest way to forget your own problems. Being of service to others is never about you. (If you make it about you, you might want to think about why people don’t want you to help them. Just a thought.) And I figured that if you picked up this book, chances are you have problems every once in a while like the rest of us mortals.
If you think about the fact that people are biologically wired for human connection, but still try to solve problems and heal all by themselves, doesn’t that sound a little backwards? Many times, we don’t know people are suffering until they are really, really in pain. When it’s an absolute emergency. And it just plain sucks. I believe it truly takes a village to create a kick-ass life.
Let’s say you’re feeling stuck in a quicksand-like drama-o-rama of your own. You’ve been thinking (or maybe obsessing) about a problem in your life and you’ve gone down the rabbit hole of trying to fix it. Maybe you feel sorry for yourself about this problem or maybe you just generally feel like crap about it. When this happens, try this: Reach out to someone else. Even if you think she doesn’t need help. No need to make assumptions or accusations about her potential problems, just ask in a really open way.
The conversation can look like this:
YOU: | Hey, friend. What’s going on? |
YOUR FRIEND: | Well, nothing much. Same ’ol, same ’ol. |
YOU: | Is there anything you need support with? How can I support you? |
YOUR FRIEND: | Whaaaaaat? |
YOU: | I know, it sounds weird. But I just want you to know if there’s anything going on in your life that you need support around, I’m here to listen or help you in any way I can. So, what’s going on? |
Your friend may be slightly taken aback, slightly suspicious, hang up on you because she thinks she’s being Punk’d, who knows. The point is, many times we get into our routines with our friends, take them for granted, and forget how important it is to help. You never know unless you ask. And there’s a good possibility you have a friend with a situation she’s dealing with right now. That one is easy-peasy because you already have something specific to ask her about.
Another tip: Sometimes it’s okay to just be honest. For example: You might get that friend who says, “Oh, I don’t want to talk about me. What’s going on with you?” And you can respond honestly by telling her that you’re tired of going around and around about your shit and that you’re wanting to get your mind off it by helping her. That way it’s all out there on the table.
One of the side effects of being of service is feeling good about yourself. I think our culture tells us that being of service should solely be altruistic and that feeling good while doing it is negative and selfish. I vehemently disagree. It’s okay and, in my opinion, even awesome to feel good about yourself while being of service. The only thing to be careful about is if your service is conditional on external feedback. In other words, if you’re attached to the outcome to bring you good feelings and don’t otherwise feel good about yourself, you need to first do some inner work on you so you’re not relying on your service actions to bring you what you need.
Keep in mind that being of service means that you don’t expect anything in return. That includes a thank you (that’s a favor). So try to remain unattached to the outcome when you decide to be of service to others. Sometimes it’s a thankless job (if you’re a parent, you’ll understand this), but don’t let that stop you.
And please, please don’t do it if your reason for doing it is to make you look good in front of others. You’re better off just not doing it at all. The true definition of service is to help; an act of helpful activity; aid. Nowhere in that definition is “helping peeps so you can look awesome.”
You’ll also find that the more you open yourself up to support others, the more you’ll start to get it back. Being open to accepting that support is actually a gift to that person wanting to help you. So take it if you’re offered some!