When someone talks shit to your face or you hear that someone dissed you second hand, it’s human nature to be hurt or even angry. If you heard someone doesn’t like you, or judged you for something you did (or didn’t do!), you probably feel like crap. It stings a little, doesn’t it? Or maybe a lot.
It’s totally normal and human to want to be accepted by others. And when we are judged or criticized, we might feel rejected. And when we feel rejected, it’s hard to accept it — part of us wants to fix it or make it right. To be accepted is to feel loved. But to feel that we are not part of a group, or that we have done or said something “wrong,” can make us feel like an outcast. Feeling this way can cause our emotions to spiral downward quickly.
Again, all of these feelings are normal, but there’s another, healthier way to deal with that kind of situation.
Think about a time when you have judged someone. I’m sure you’ve done it recently, as we all have in some way or another. For example, say you read a news article about a teenage mother who had her small children taken away for being an unfit parent. Let’s say she left them home alone while she went out and partied.
Your thoughts might be, “She should have been using birth control if she was going to make the irresponsible decision to have sex as a teenager.” Or, “She should have given those babies up to a more responsible family who wanted children.” Or, “How could she be so stupid? Where are her parents?”
Your opinion is that she is irresponsible and stupid. This is also your judgment of her. It’s likely that you are also afraid this could someday be your teenage daughter or another member of your family making these types of decisions about her life. Your judgments are based on your opinions, your thoughts, and, quite possibly, your fears.
You’ve inadvertently made the situation about you. You think it’s about her, but you’re really dealing with your reaction to her decisions. Again: your reaction.
So let’s get back to you.
Let’s say someone says something terrible about you. Or you find out that someone doesn’t like you. What if you could be absolutely certain their words had nothing to do with you? That you knew that other people’s negative thoughts about you are simply reflections of themselves? An example might be that your friend’s spouse doesn’t like you. Maybe he thinks that you’re too forward and outspoken. In this particular situation, I would bet that that person has issues with women who express leadership qualities. That it’s his own personal insecurities with himself that make him uncomfortable and hence dislike you. So it’s really all his issue.
Other people’s negative thoughts about you are simply reflections of themselves.
Think about what this could open up for you. You could actually be one of those people who don’t give a crap what other people think of them. Those people aren’t unicorns. They really do exist. And you really can be one of them.
Now getting back to that imaginary person that I mentioned in the beginning of the chapter who said something mean about you. What are the thoughts and feelings behind it for you? Pain? Sadness? Anger? Confusion?
Now, decide that it is a fact that the other person’s feelings about you have absolutely nothing to do with you. It has no bearing on your self-worth or who you are as a person. My friend and colleague, Brooke Castillo, explains this brilliantly. She said other people’s opinions are good for other people and that you are the constant here. If other people’s opinions were right about you, everyone’s opinion would be the same about you … because again, you are the constant. She says to pay the closest attention to the opinion that matters the most: yours. If you’re having trouble even fathoming this notion, look at it from this angle: You are giving this other person a lot of power. You’re just handing it over sheepishly, as if it rightly belongs to him or her. And it doesn’t.
My best friend and colleague, Amy Smith, has a metaphor that I love to think of when this topic comes up. She asks, “If someone had a big pile of shit in their arms and tried to give it to you, would you take it? Or would you say ‘No, thank you. That’s your pile of shit and I don’t want it.’” Sounds about right, wouldn’t you say?
Now, what if you think of other people’s opinions, judgments, and criticisms in the same way? It’s their pile of shit, and you have the choice whether to take it from them or not.
Duh. Don’t take it!