CHAPTER 14


Shut Up and Listen

I think I just heard you say, “What?”

Human brains are entirely too smart.

Now, I’m not accusing you of being the type of person who is never really listening to the person you’re having a conversation with (and if you are, this may be the reason all your friends have given you the heave-ho). This is merely a reminder that fundamentally we all want one very big, important thing from other people:

To be seen and heard.

I am familiar with this situation because I used to be the queen of arguments. Not only that, but when I was arguing, I would barely hear what the other person was saying. I was so busy wanting to be right, wanting to win, wanting to say the most witty, sarcastic rebuttal that I had little time to listen and hear what the other person was saying.

And I think there might be one or two other people out there like me. Given that, let’s all shoot for effective and healthy communication. And that starts with really listening.

I’m not trying to be an asshole here and patronize you by any means. We live in a fast-paced culture where everything is a race. But human connection, communication, and conversation should not be one of them.

Over the years I’ve learned: If you really, truly want to show that you care about someone, and you really do give a crap about the words that are coming out of his or her mouth, give your undivided attention and listen. And for bonus points, pause before you reply.

Listening shows that you have respect for each other and are showing up in the relationship. Think of what you are missing by not really, truly listening to the people you love and care about. Here are some steps to follow.

  1. The next time you’re having a conversation, when you notice your own mind wandering off into space, or the grocery store, or Tahiti, or wherever, just come back.
  2. If you’re in a disagreement, you probably start to rehearse your rebuttal as the other person is talking (or shouting). Stop doing that. Stop and really listen to that person even if you think what he’s saying is the stupidest thing you have ever heard. Instead, take a second or two to replay in your mind what he just said. Or, if you weren’t listening (ahem), ask him to repeat it. Again, even if you think it’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard. I know, it’s difficult. Practice it.
  3. Next, practice reflective listening. It goes like this: Someone tells you something; it could be a problem, an issue, anything. When he is finished speaking, you tell him what you heard. Don’t repeat it word-for-word, because that will just piss him off, but tell him in your own words what you heard. It might start with, “This is what I’m hearing you say: You’re frustrated with me because you feel that I …”

If you’re not listening effectively with meaning to the other person, then your arguments are just words flying around the air. And we all know that we don’t need any more pollution. Being a good listener is a great way to show you care and love someone. And everyone wants that, right?

One final communication tip: Come out and ask the person what it is that he really wants. Many of us have the same arguments time and time again and we don’t even know what we want. We keep arguing because we’re not really asking for what we want, so we never get it. We’re arguing around the issue.

Next time, ask yourself what it is you really want and try to articulate it. When I have disagreements with my husband, sometimes I find myself blaming and trying to prove my point, when what I really want from him is to help me with something. Or I just need a hug. But trying to be right sends me off course and I never ask for what I want.

So, in summary: