Mentally or on paper, list out your top five friends. Now put stars by the ones you feel have a mutual commitment to the friendship — those who reciprocate respect and support and all the other things that are important to you.
Yes, this is sort of like, “Well, Jane is my first best friend. Candace is my second best friend … ” and so on. Don’t worry; they don’t need to know where they score.
Look at the people who don’t have stars. Who are they? And why are they on your list?
The reasons could vary. Either you’ve been friends since first grade and just feel bad thinking about leaving that person behind, or this person saw you through a really tough time and you “owe” it to her to stick around.
First of all, you’re not playing hopscotch anymore. And you’re not wearing the same clothes from 1982, so why are you holding on to the friendship? Probably you both feel the same way, just one of you needs to grow some balls and exit. And secondly, you don’t “owe” anything to the person who was there for you. As long as you have thanked the person for being a good friend, that’s sufficient.
Let’s say you have an old, beat-up car that keeps breaking down, even though you have the money to actually buy a new car. But you’ve had the car for fifteen years; it’s been with you through so many events in your life so you keep it around for nostalgic reasons. Plus, the car buying process itself is such a hassle. Still, after so many stuck-on-the-side-of-the-road episodes, you would wise up and get yourself a new ride, right? The same thing can apply to friendships. Why the hell are you still going shoe shopping and having lattes with this woman who is dragging you down? There is absolutely no reason you need to give that friendship any more time and energy.
If you do an inventory at the end of your life, I’m sure you’re not going to want to see, “2003–2017: Held onto friendship that was long expired. Wasted 2,458 hours of life.” Major bummer.
You are not responsible for these people. It’s not up to you to hold onto them for fear of hurting their feelings. You never know — maybe they’re at home right now thinking the same thing and holding onto you because they don’t want to hurt you.
You know in your gut if the friendship is expired. Because here’s the truth: people evolve, change, and grow as life goes on. Marriages begin and some end, children might be born, and jobs change. When people change, certain friendships can’t withstand the change. It says nothing bad about the two people in the relationship. No one needs to be the one who was “wrong,” or the mean girl for ending it; no one is “better” or “worse.” It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just a relationship that ended and the best part is that both people can be better for the sheer fact that the relationship has existed. The friendship served its purpose in its time, but now there’s no longer a need for it. Both parties now have room to grow, and can find extra energy to be used for something or someone else.
So you’re probably wondering, How the hell do I end a friendship? Ending a friendship can be just as hard as breaking up with an intimate partner, so you’re totally normal if you feel really sad and uncomfortable. There are two ways to go about ending the friendship:
Bottom line: whichever way will make you proud of yourself is the route you should go. If you can stand with integrity in the situation, you know you’ve ended things in the best way possible.
There is no reason in the world you need to be tolerating a friendship (or any relationship!) that doesn’t fill you up, empower you, inspire you, and make you a better person. An unfulfilling friendship that has been going on for too long is essentially life clutter you need to clean out.