Everyone has pain. Everyone has sustained heartbreak. If there was a pill for getting over heartbreak, it would sell on the black market for thousands and/or a big pharmaceutical company would own it, and most of the world. Everyone has a painful story that would at least bring tears, if not bring you to your knees. Everyone has pain — what separates people is what they do with that pain. You can choose to let it define you, or you can choose to recreate yourself.
Basically, you have two choices:
In option one, there is no relief. You’ve been dealt a shitty card, your circumstances are painful, and you choose to stay there. It’s an entrée of feeling sorry for yourself with a side of blaming others, and for dessert, stay in the sad story that this is your destiny. Your fate. Boo hoo.
In option two, you’ve still been dealt a shitty card; your circumstances are still painful. But the difference is that you shift perspectives and reflect on what you’ve learned.
So what are your painful experiences? What is the thing that influenced your life so greatly that it still stings to think about or talk about? Chances are, you know it right away. The best way to help yourself move on is to write down everything you’ve learned from it. Ask yourself important, introspective questions about your pain and explore how you can use it to serve you better. Pull yourself out of the story for a few minutes and look at what the gift is. It doesn’t mean you aren’t in pain anymore. It just means you’re strong enough to use it as a tool for growth.
Here are some examples of gaining insight from painful experiences:
Perhaps you made a bad decision. Perhaps you got pregnant “by accident” while in a relationship with some guy you desperately loved, with the intention that the baby would help the relationship. (I know this has never, ever happened in real life, but bear with me here.) Shockingly, he left you and the baby and you’re understandably heartbroken. The wisdom you might find is that you realize you need to look at why you wanted so desperately to hold on to him in the first place. Or you reflect on the fact that you do need to be alone to decide what you really want for your life.
Perhaps someone you love tragically died. What did he teach you while he was alive? What piece of him do you want to take with you into your daily life?
Or maybe someone did something terrible to you. What did you learn about yourself? What will you not tolerate again?
Yes, we all have failures, heartbreak, and emotional pain, but it’s not who we are. It’s just circumstances and facts. No one is destined for failure. No one is destined to be heartbroken. And circumstances do not determine who you are, your worth, or your future.
You’re responsible for all of that.
If you find it too hard to figure out what you learned from your painful experience, I’d like to know why you’re so committed to staying in pain? Why do you think you need to stay here? Try to see the other side of the coin.
Pretty soon, it won’t be so painful anymore.