You have one, I have one, Oprah has one. We all have an inner critic. It’s that voice in our head that tells us various statements about the way we look, about how we measure up to everyone else, about what we’re capable (or not capable) of doing, and so on.
Your inner critic can vary. Sometimes it might simply be disempowering, telling you that the big thing you really want to do is too hard, too expensive, you’re too old — in other words, it fuels your excuses. Or it can be a downright nasty bully and tell you you’re fat, stupid, and not worthy of love, success, or anything else you truly desire.
I believe these inner critic voices are addicted to suffering. They’re addicted to keeping you exactly where you are (even if you’re unhappy), keeping you afraid of change, keeping you stuck in indecision. Your inner critic is the majority of the reason you use the word “but” when you say:
The biggest personality trait of an inner critic is fear. Think about a time when you were afraid to do something, whether it was going for a new job, asking someone out, or trying something new. Your fear manifests as a conversation in your mind. It can sound like this:
I know the inner critic so well because I have one, too. She tells me in so many words that my life is a race to the top; I have to do everything perfectly or risk ridicule, shame, and humiliation. When I think of my dreams, she’ll tell me they’re not possible. She insists that people like me just can’t achieve that dream. She says I won’t have time, I won’t know how, and even if I did, I would do it wrong. In a nutshell, she’s a complete and total bitch.
Some people have lived their entire lives listening to this voice as their truth. They have no idea that this idea of an “inner critic” exists and that … are you ready?
It can be managed.
The real truth is that you can separate that voice from your true self, and see big shifts in your life. Managing that relationship will help you know your true self and live your kick-ass life with fewer negative interruptions.
The first step in inner critic managing is acceptance. Working on your inner critic is not like getting your tonsils out; it’s not going away forever. You’ll always have this voice, but you can learn to quiet it.
To start, simply notice when you’re lost in inner critic land. It might be right now. Try not to beat yourself up for having this voice in your head. You’re simply becoming aware of its presence. Some people notice they are irritated or angry — that they simply don’t feel good. Check in to see what the conversation in your head is like during those times. What kind of language are you using with yourself?
Next, question the inner critic’s assumptions and “truths.” When you find yourself thinking, “I’m such a failure at this,” ask yourself, “Is this true?” Really ask yourself if you know without a doubt that you are 100 percent certain you are a failure at this. Or has your inner critic convinced you of it? The inner critic is excellent at presenting itself as truth; that’s something it has perfected over the years it has lived inside your head. Staying paralyzed in indecision is a clear sign your inner critic voice is keeping you stagnant, so getting clarity on all these “what ifs” will help you decide.
Staying paralyzed in indecision is a clear sign your inner critic voice is keeping you stagnant.
And if you’re feeling up to it, changing your perspective around how you look at this inner critic is, of course, your choice. What if you looked at it from a place of compassion? Imagine that it’s trying its best to help you, but having a really hard time. Its job is supposed to be protecting you and encouraging you, but it just can’t seem to get it right. If this were a person you cared about, you would probably feel bad for him or her (and maybe a little annoyed and that’s okay, too). But you may find the inner critic loses its power when you do think of it kind of sucking at its true job. Protectors shouldn’t make you feel like shit. Ever.
This work takes practice. No one is able to manage their inner critic overnight. Be persistent in recognizing and questioning those negative inner critic thoughts, and you’ll be well on your way.