Have you ever heard the saying, “Holding onto resentments is like setting yourself on fire and hoping the other person chokes on your smoke?”
It’s interesting to me when I hear someone say, “I like to hold a grudge” or “I just can’t let it go.”
I always ask, “What the hell are you getting out of holding onto this?”
(It’s a rhetorical question.)
Are you thinking you’re punishing this person you’re holding the grudge against? Keeping them in your “resentment prison”? There is nothing to be gained from holding onto a grudge except anger, bitterness, hatred, and negativity — all dark, heavy emotions and energies. (And all things no one really wants to be around. Good luck making friends, sister.)
Do you do it because you think it makes you look tough? Because if you really stop and think about it, staying mad at someone and being unforgiving doesn’t mean you’re tough and unbreakable. It just means you’re still pissed, and the only person suffering is you. If you enjoy that, then knock yourself out.
So why do it then?
Wait … would you like to tell me your story — along the lines of, “If she only knew what so-and-so did to me”?
Well, I don’t give a shit what so-and-so did to you, or your momma. Letting go of resentment says absolutely nothing about what they did. It doesn’t mean you think it’s okay. It doesn’t even mean you have to let them in your life anymore.
Letting go of resentment only means that you love yourself enough to let it all go.
And if you say there is no way you can let it go, I have to ask …
Why not?
What do you think will happen if you do? As you imagine, remember two important themes of this book:
Just imagine what your life would be like without this resentment. After all, you don’t have a time machine. You can’t go back and force them to make a different choice. You can’t even make them feel sorry for what he or she did. You can’t make him or her ask you for forgiveness.
But, you can give yourself the freedom of ceasing to resent them for a decision they made. When you do this, you are moving on. Shedding old skin. Becoming a new, bigger, more powerful you.
Think about someone you’re still mad at — I know there’s someone. I’m sure when you think about her, you think about what happened and what she did. Now I’d like you to just think about what it would be like if you weren’t mad anymore. I’m by no means saying you need to make up with this person, or even forgive her just yet … just think about what it would be like if you did not have feelings of anger and resentment towards her.
What would change inside of you?
Remember, this has nothing to do with her, but everything to do with you. Your resentment is yours. You created it, and you have the power to let it go.
This is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself, not to mention others. Because when you let go of resentments, when you give yourself the gift of peace, you are essentially giving back to the people around you.
I found a journal of mine recently. I had been in a relationship with someone for about nine months after my ex-husband and I had split. I was a mess. (Back-to-back bad relationships will do that to a girl.)
In the journal I had written, “What happened to me? People used to describe me as ‘magnetic.’ Where did I lose that girl? I want her back.”
What had happened is that I was holding onto resentments and anger toward that guy and my ex-husband. I was letting the actions of men determine me. I realized I had no control of them, or their actions — now or in the past.
So I let it go.
And I can tell you with absolutely no BS that that was a major shift in my life. I was taking a stand for my happiness, my freedom, and my life.
Resentment is heavy. So is anger and bitterness. Would you rather carry a light and peaceful load, or a heavy one? It’s your choice. Before you decide, let me remind you that the person at the root of your negative thoughts and feelings really doesn’t give a shit which load you’re carrying.