Complaining is one of those universal things that people do to bond. Have you ever stood in an incredibly long line at the grocery store, exchanged frustrated looks with the person next to you, and one of you chimes in, “Would it be too hard for them to open a new line?” And you’re suddenly BFFs. It’s how we break the ice, bond, and ask for help.
But the truth is, more often than not, complaining accomplishes nothing.
Let me back up for a minute and give you a (brief) pass.
I do believe there is some good that can come out of conscious complaining, clearing, or venting. It’s perfectly fine and dandy to say out loud the thing or circumstance you don’t like. In fact, I believe if we totally avoid complaining and act like everything is peachy, we push our feelings down — and more harm can eventually come from that bad habit. The bottom line: Complaining can serve you as long as you have the intent to vent, then shift and focus on the solution.
Many people actually solve their own problems by saying them out loud. Some of my clients are this way. They get on the phone and announce: “I need to just talk about this for a few minutes — bear with me,” and they spew it all out, and then end by saying, “I know what I need to do here is … ” (And clearly, my brilliant work is done).
But here’s where you might be shooting yourself in the foot: If you talk, talk, talk about how you don’t like this or that, or how you wish blah, blah, blah, but take little or absolutely no action to change, then the excuse of, “Oh, but I can’t change it,” is — with all due respect — complete bullshit.
My dear friend and colleague, Amy Smith, always says: Don’t complain about anything you’re not willing to take action on.
So what are you willing to take action on?
First, try asking for what you want to change. Get clear on it before you talk to someone about it because sometimes we’re not even sure what we want to change. If it is a person who is doing something you don’t like, politely and respectfully tell that person how you feel and ask to come to some compromise so you can both be happy. Maybe this person wants to change the situation, too. You won’t know unless you ask. Whether it’s something about your job, or it’s your neighbor’s loud dog, just ask. If you don’t ask, and you’re focusing on what you don’t like and complaining about it all the time, you’re going to notice nothing but that. Nothing’s going to change if you don’t take action.
Plus, if you wait and wait, tension builds. When you’ve finally reached your breaking point and decide to discuss it with the person, most likely you’re not going to be coming from a place of kindness and willingness to compromise. You’ll be coming from a place of “you’re-an-asshole-and-you-need-to-change-before-I-punch-you-in-the-throat.” Not exactly conducive for a healthy discussion.
And if you really, truly can’t change it — if it really, truly is all in the hands of someone else — quit complaining about it!! Let it go, for the love of God. I mean, how do you feel when you complain about it? Good? Empowered? Do you feel like your best self? Or is it a case of you feel good for the minute you say it out loud and then back to feeling like crap about it?
Complaining uses your precious energy and drives others away from you. Instead of expending that energy on negative things, spend it in positive ways. Fix problems. Love yourself and others.
But mainly, stop complaining!