You already know how important it is to love yourself (see Chapter 19). The gospel truth here is you cannot truly love yourself if you are still beating yourself up for things you did in the past. The things you still mull over in your head could vary greatly. Maybe you had (or are having) an affair. Maybe you abused your body somehow, or maybe you were promiscuous as a teen, or you had an abortion, or maybe you just made some really terrible decisions somewhere along the line (P.S. everyone has).
It intrigues me that it’s easier for people to forgive other people for hurting them than it is for them to forgive themselves for things they’ve done. It fascinates me how women will tell me they have confidence and self-love, yet when I ask them if they’re forgiven themselves for all the mistakes they’ve made in the past I can almost see a ghost cross in front of their face. Then they reveal one or two things they’ve been dragging around.
I truly believe that by not forgiving ourselves we are participating in self-hate, which is the fastest way to living an unfulfilled, unhappy, and unkick-ass life. Not forgiving yourself is like that damn fly that will not leave you alone while you’re trying to enjoy that summer BBQ. You keep swatting it away and go on enjoying yourself, but that pesky thing is relentless and just keeps showing up uninvited.
So, let’s take a step back and look at whatever it was that you did that you can’t seem to forgive yourself for.
Try your best to remember what your true intentions were at that time. Let’s say you cheated on a partner. What were you actually looking for when you committed the act? If I had to guess, you were looking for comfort, validation, connection, and love. And at that time, your truest intention was to take care of yourself and get those feelings in the fastest way you knew how. Was the action the best way to get those feelings? Maybe not. But my point is that you were looking for basic, human, instinctual loving feelings. A way to take care of yourself the best way you knew how at that time.
When you look at it from this perspective, can you still hate yourself for your attempt to fulfill basic self-care?
Remember, you are human. By forgiving yourself, you’re not saying it’s okay to repeat the same mistakes. You’re not saying it’s okay for your children to do the same things. It doesn’t mean anything except: You love yourself enough to admit that you are a mortal human being who did the best you could with the tools you had at that time.
Sometimes in the “human-ness” of us all, there is some “human-mess.” We all have it. We all cope the best way we know how, at that time, with the tools we have. Learn from it and move on.
We all make mistakes, even disasters sometimes. Yet no one is benefitting from you holding on to this, certainly not you. What is the price you are paying for holding onto this? Are you more stressed, less ambitious, less happy, less fulfilled? It’s not worth it!
Even if you know it’s the right thing to do, forgiving yourself can be difficult. To start, make a list of all the things you beat yourself up for. Whether you come down on yourself on a regular basis or every once in a while, write it all out. Yes, it might be painful to see it in front of you, but do it anyway. Sometimes getting it all out of you helps the past lose its power over you. It’s as if you’ve purged it — your past just becomes words on a page and isn’t as horrific and gargantuan as you’ve made it out to be.
Even if you know it’s the right thing to do, forgiving yourself can be difficult.
Then make the decision to forgive yourself. If this is too hard at this point, try making peace with the situation. “It” happened. No more soul beatings. And if you still think it’s too hard to forgive yourself, think about the alternative — which is continuing to hold resentments against yourself. Say it again: At the time you did whatever it was that you did, you did the best you could with the tools you had at that time. Otherwise, you would have done things differently.
Think about this: If it were your child, or your partner, or your best friend and they did what you did, then truly felt remorseful and asked for forgiveness, and you truly believed that they did the best they could at that time they made the mistake, would you forgive them? Or would you tell them, “Nah, you still need to suffer.”
I don’t think so.
Imagine what would happen if you allowed yourself to move away from past mistakes in the same way.
You deserve forgiveness. You deserve peace. You deserve to let go of what’s holding you back.