How many times have you said, “I really need to get some closure around this” when speaking in terms of a relationship or event that has happened? You want to remove the feelings of heaviness that are probably weighing on you and affecting your day-to-day life. It’s like walking around with a wedgie you can’t pick. You’re uncomfortable and no amount of shifting around is helping. You want the relief.
Closure is defined as “bringing to an end” and “the act of closing,” but it can mean different things for different people. It might mean you need to tell an ex exactly what you think of him or your relationship, maybe you need to return his favorite college sweatshirt, or it might mean you need to tell him to screw off, or that deep down you really want to keep in touch.
Let’s say a relationship has ended. It’s over and that may suck. What I think is a myth around this topic is the notion that you can have one conversation over coffee, hug it out, and get “closure.” As if those elusive last words are what bring relief and tie it all up with a pretty bow.
Truth: It doesn’t.
Sure, there might be some things you need to say, to clear up. Maybe you need to offer a much needed apology and ask for forgiveness.
But where I think this myth of closure messes with people is when they assume that some specific action will heal their wounds. And the search for this imaginary action can cause even more grief.
When my first marriage ended, I kept feeling like if I had one more conversation with my ex-husband I would feel better. If I told him one more time how hurt I was, or apologized for anything I had done in our relationship, that would be closure for me. Somewhere along my quest for all of this I realized I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted the event to go away. I wanted to not be divorced, alone, and have to start over. And the reality was nothing was going to change that. Closure wasn’t going to bring all of that for me. Nothing was going to heal me except me.
For a while after we split, we did keep having conversations. Conversations that revolved around what happened to us. Apologies, asking for forgiveness, updates on how our lives were without each other in it. If I could paint the picture of what I thought closure looked like, that was it.
After all that, what I came to realize was there was nothing either of us could say to change what happened. We were done. The circumstances of that breakup were painful. No words, no apologies, no amount of tears were going to change that or make it go away. I needed to either let it all go, or be okay with the fact that what happened, happened. Or both.
I’ve heard it often, “I never got any closure.” And then the person desperately tries to contact the person, or beats him or herself up to a pulp because there is no way to get it.
The definition of closure you’re looking for may never, ever happen. Your only job is to create the closure you need in order to feel peace and love for yourself.
You can’t change the past, ever. You can’t make the other person feel a certain way. You can’t make them accept your apology, or listen to you if they don’t want to. And even if they do listen, remember, they may not react as you want. You probably have this fantasy in your head of how the conversation would go (don’t tell me you’ve never scripted it), complete with background music. But this isn’t the movies.
What might help are a few small steps in the positive direction that will add up to a bigger amount of healing. Here are some suggestions:
Do yourself a favor. Accept that what is done is done. Let go. You are in complete control of your own closure in any situation. You get to decide if you want to torture yourself forever and be a victim of your “unclosed” circumstance, or do whatever you can to create your own peace in your heart.
So, which do you want?