Nowadays, grooms, your duty is not limited to just showing up at the ceremony. Brides and family members expect your participation and involvement in many aspects of the wedding planning process. For advice on proposing, consult the preface of this book, but be sure you read this chapter as well so that you are covered on all other counts.
Choose your wedding party wisely, especially your best man. Not all of your fraternity brothers, childhood friends, or basketball buddies need to be included in the wedding party.
Think about who you can imagine yourself still being friends with twenty years down the road, and your choices should become clearer.
When planning male bonding events for the wedding weekend, stick with golf or spectator sports as opposed to risking injury in a group football or basketball game. A black eye or twisted ankle won’t go over well on your wedding day.
Your best man should be the person you can most depend on in the whole world. His role is to walk the fine line between helping you celebrate your final days of bachelorhood and getting you to the ceremony in one piece and with no regrets.
Does the best man need to be a brother, brother-in-law, or future brother-in-law? If this man is the closest to you, then yes. If, however, your brother or brother-in-law is much younger and cannot handle the planning duties, or if he is very single and cannot grasp the importance of why you are getting married in the first place, then think about having your best friend do the honors.
If your bride has brothers that she wants you to include in your wedding party, consider doing so.
If you have already invited enough guys to be in your party, offer your bride’s male friends the honor of being ushers (they seat guests but do not stand up at the wedding) or doing a reading. Readings can range from a personal poem selected by the bride and groom to a biblical passage pertinent to the ceremony. Or, readings can be poetic, meaningful reflections written by the designated reader to the bride and groom.
If you have a sister whom you’d like to see included in your bride’s wedding party, it is only fair to offer to ask her brother to be in yours. Approach these family issues with sensitivity and open communication. Feelings can get hurt.
Guys are much more flexible and accommodating when it comes to sensitive issues regarding the wedding party. Plus, they can always be assigned the roles of ushers, program distributors, ketubah signers, chuppah holders, and even readers in your ceremony. Don’t sweat it.
Provide your best man with a detailed schedule of the wedding events and a timetable of where and when things will occur. He should keep this handy as his guide throughout the events. (If you use a wedding coordinator, he or she can help you put this list together.)
On the wedding day, give your best man the rings, the officiant fee, a detailed schedule of the day, and all other pertinent items (breath mints, lip balm, wallet) to hold onto for you. He’ll be your right-hand man.
Reassure your fiancée before the bachelor party, and discuss your expectations up front so there are no surprises.
Tell her that you love her before you leave for the evening.
Conduct yourself like a gentleman while remaining one of the guys. Remember, bachelor parties are more for the single guys of the bunch than for those who are married or engaged.
Talk to your best man or bachelor party planners about what you are comfortable with and what will not work for you. This is no time to be pressured into being one of the guys if it means your future marriage will be jeopardized.
Designate someone to be totally responsible for you in case things get a little crazy.
Be sure you call your fiancée before you get too inebriated to tell her that you love her.
Remember who is the most important person in the wedding process: your bride. She is the reason this is all happening.
Remind yourself why you chose each other, and be there for her every step of the way through this exciting and stressful process.
Even if you are not planning to be involved in the day-to-day wedding planning aspects, at least choose a few specific areas to give your input. For example, most grooms have strong opinions about the music, food, and limousine or send-off transportation.
Listen and communicate—a lot.
Get away together for a date night or an engagement weekend. Pamper and indulge each other.
If you are negotiating a prenuptial agreement, remember that heightened feelings may emerge. Keep your sense of humor, and keep the lines of communication wide open. Don’t let this legal formality spoil your happiness (and if it seems like it is doing so, consider eliminating this step altogether).
Show up at the end of a bridal shower to help her open gifts.
To earn a gold star, bring flowers to your fiancée at the shower.
To earn platinum-level stars, bring flowers for your mother and future mother-in-law at the shower.
Buy her a wedding gift. Whether it be extravagant diamond earrings, a new outfit for the honeymoon, or a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a card sent to her dressing room on the wedding day, let her know you haven’t forgotten her and want to present her with a symbol of your love.
Have your wedding bands engraved with a meaningful message. The date and your names are fine, but you may want to surprise her with a short phrase, poem, or special term of endearment that only you two know.
Proofread the engraving when you pick up the rings. Mistakes have been known to happen!
Have a special handkerchief monogrammed with both of your married initials on it to hand her during the ceremony (or to use yourself!) if she starts to cry.
Take care of your bride and compliment her often.
Be supportive and involved (if she wants you to be) in the registering process.
See if any of your local guy friends are willing to host out-of-town male guests. This can save money and hassles for some of your friends and family who are traveling great distances.
Most guys don’t mind sleeping on floors or couches since the price is right!
Check into the policy on premarital blood testing in your state (or the state in which you are getting married). Some states require this in order to get married, so plan ahead.
Traditionally, you (or your side of the family) are responsible for paying for the wedding rings, rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, marriage license and officiant fees, boutonnieres for the groomsmen and other male honorees and family members, and sometimes even the cost of hotel accommodations for family and attendants.
Be the liaison between your bride and your parents. Don’t put your bride in the middle of things and create bad feelings. You are responsible for your family, and she is responsible for hers.
Consider buying a tuxedo if you do not own one already. Chances are this is the time to invest so that you will look terrific on the big day, and so that you will have formal attire to wear to future black-tie events. Your investment will pay off quickly.
Arrange for the two of you to take dance lessons so you can learn some moves together and practice dancing to your wedding song. She’ll love the gesture!
Plan an awesome honeymoon! (See chapter 19.)
Don’t surprise her with your honeymoon destination unless you are certain she’ll be thrilled. It is not worth the possibility of disappointment. This trip is for both of you.