The cold woke Annie from her sleep. The room was freezing and her left hand, which was sticking out of the duvet, was so cold she could barely feel her fingers. It was dark. The room was full of shadows so she reached across to switch the lamp on. She pressed the button but nothing happened. Throwing the duvet back she stood up to try the main light switch, hoping there wasn’t a power cut. Her teeth began to chatter and a feeling of dread settled over her: something was wrong. She opened the kitchen door and breathed out, watching her breath turn into a swirling white mist; it was even colder in here.
Sensing movement in the corner she looked to see dark shadows swirling around. They began to gather substance and formed a black mass, which began to swell. I must be dreaming, I’ll wake up now. She pinched her arm and let out a yelp. Nope, wide awake. The shadow mass was getting denser. It was still in the corner but it was huge and looked more solid, not as transparent. It was forming into the shape of a man. Alarmed she backed into the snug, slamming the door shut behind her and pressed her back against it. She was unsure what good it would actually do but it was better than nothing. What she wanted to do was scream but who was going to hear her. Silent tears began to stream down her cheeks and she reached for her phone, which was on the side table. Her fingertips brushed against it and she clutched it tight bringing it towards her. She dialled Jakes number: no signal. Who was she kidding? She had known there wouldn’t be. Tess had backed herself into the far corner and was shaking more than Annie was. She closed her eyes and began reciting what she could remember of the Lord’s Prayer, the rest she made up not knowing what else to do. She didn’t even believe in this sort of stuff so what the hell was happening and why to her?
She paused and felt the door move slightly. She pressed against the hard wood of the door. An image of a pair of ghostly arms reaching through the wood and wrapping themselves around her neck made her want to cry out in fear but she couldn’t make a noise. She had heard people say they were frozen in terror and wondered if this was how they felt. The blood in her veins felt as if it had turned to iced water she was so cold. Whatever was on the other side of the door was intelligent because it had been listening to her. She imagined a man standing on the other side, his head cocked to one side waiting to make his move. It wanted to hurt her, she had no doubt about that: it felt evil. God, who was she kidding? What did she know?
Her heart was pumping the blood around her body so fast it was deafening inside her head. She was waiting for the door to be shoved with such force from the other side that she would be flung across the floor but then a small ball of white light appeared by the window. There was a slight shift in the heavy atmosphere inside the room. It hovered, glowing brightly, and the panic in her chest began to subside a little. The light moved towards Annie, pausing directly in front of her for a brief moment and then it moved through her body and, for a second, she felt different, not like herself. The feeling disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.
From the other side of the door she heard a woman’s voice, it was gentle but firm. ‘Edward, leave this place at once. You are not welcome here, ever. I forbid you from coming back. Go back to the house and the cellar if you must but stay away from here.’
A growl so low and guttural made Annie begin to shake again and she dug her heels in and pushed her back against the door as hard as she could. Instantly the heavy atmosphere dissipated and the temperature raised enough that her teeth stopped chattering. Her hand felt its way up the wall until she found the light switch with the tips of her fingers. Pressing it down she finally breathed out as the room was bathed with a warm glow. She didn’t move, couldn’t move, not yet. She needed to make sure whatever it was had gone. She pressed her ear against the wooden door. After a few minutes she pulled herself up then, making the sign of the cross, she took a deep breath and threw the door open. It was still dark inside the room but the shadow had gone.
The light in the kitchen wouldn’t work but the atmosphere was no longer menacing. She stepped further in, ready to retreat if she had to. She was followed by Tess whose hackles were up and who was growling. Annie opened the fridge door to shed some light into the room. Edward had been here in her house. Or had he? Am I going insane? She sank to the floor, sitting next to Tess.
‘Edward,’ she whispered, afraid. Why would he come here, what had she ever done? He must have been dead for years. Confusion making her head spin she stroked Tess to calm them both down. She needed to speak to that medium guy. If he couldn’t help her she’d have to try Most Haunted or Ghostbusters but the most likely option would be the nearest mental asylum.
Once her shaky legs could bear her weight she went to get the card he had given her. Tess was whining to go outside so she opened the door and let her out. She ran straight to the gate and stared into the woods. Annie looked in the direction of the house and saw a flash of white darting between the trees and heading towards the mansion. She went back inside to dial Derek’s number but it went straight to voicemail. She left him a message to call her back. He must know his stuff because he had told her this would happen, hadn’t he, in his own strange way.
Tess needed a walk and as much as Annie didn’t want to walk in the direction of the house she had no choice. She couldn’t be sure who the white figure had been so she needed to go and check no one had been inside and that it was all still locked up tight. She wouldn’t forgive herself if she found out those girls had been kept inside and she had been too cowardly to do anything about it.
Putting on her coat, hat and gloves she set off. There was a light drizzle falling now but it didn’t stop Tess who bounded off in the direction of the house. Annie followed but at a much slower pace. The paths were lethal in the rain and she didn’t want to fall; she was aching enough already. Tess began to bark excitedly in the distance shattering the peace and quiet. She must have found a rabbit or squirrel. She was obsessed with them. One of these days she was going to chase one too far and get stuck down a rabbit hole. The barking stopped, restoring the woods to its normal peacefulness; they didn’t feel threatening like yesterday.
The outline of the mansion loomed in the distance and the déjà vu she felt was stronger with every visit. There were so many memories she could conjure up if she desired. Walking closer she felt as if she wanted to go inside. No, more like she needed to go inside. The feeling of belonging was so overpowering it must mean something. How did she know that Alfie had dirty blonde hair, blue eyes and the cheekiest grin she had ever seen? He wasn’t much taller than her and he radiated warmth. His big strong hands, which had tickled and stroked her hair, kind and gentle. Alfie had been so heartbroken when he found her in the library with Edward. The hurt in his eyes so intense that even now, after all these years, it made her heart ache with regret. Things would have been so different if she had chosen Alfie and not Edward. They wouldn’t have had much but they would have lived in a small house filled with love and laughter and, more importantly, children. How she had longed to have babies but Edward’s deceptive charms and dashing good looks had taken away her one chance of real happiness.
Tess began to whine, stirring Annie from her daydream. She was surprised to see she was standing in front of the Gothic front door, face to face with that awful knocker. Annie had no recollection of walking this far. She had been so absorbed in the memories that she hadn’t realised. She had never believed in past lives but since her head injury things were happening to her that she couldn’t explain rationally. She needed to know what happened with Edward. It was something bad and whatever it was had changed Alice’s life back then forever. Or had it been my life? Annie was convinced that deep down she already knew the whole story but couldn’t unearth it from the depths of her mind. She hoped the diary would explain everything but every time she read that small leather book scary things happened and after this morning she didn’t feel brave enough.
A wet nose nudged her hand. ‘Tess, you bloody scared me.’ She had a stick in her mouth and was wagging her tail. ‘Come on, girl. Let’s check the doors and then we’re out of here.’
Tess followed, her tail still wagging. Annie shoved the front door hard: it was still locked up tight. Making her way around the perimeter she checked all the boards on the windows, none of them were loose. There were no corners that could be prised up to allow anyone to climb in either. But she couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched and kept looking over her shoulder. This time it felt more inquisitive than anything else. She continued to walk around to the back of the huge house and came to the small scullery door, which was shut tight like the others. Her fingers reached out, touching the wood and she snatched her hand back as a tremor ran through her body. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end, she had no key for this door but there was something wrong with it, even Tess began to whine and back away. Why did this door feel as if it was the gateway to hell? Annie reached into her pocket for her phone, she wanted Will to come and see – Come and see what exactly? It’s a door you fool.
Stepping back she studied it to see if there was anything to explain why her copper’s instinct had gone into overdrive. There were no prise marks in the wood, no bloodstains. There was nothing other than an old, wooden door. She checked her phone: one missed call and a voicemail. She took one last look around before she began to walk as fast as she could away from the house and before she got sucked into a whole different world. When she was a good distance away she felt compelled to turn around. She turned and caught sight of a misty, white figure waving at her from Alice’s bedroom window; just a slight movement of hand. She blinked and looked again but the window was empty, desolate, like the rest of the house.
Today was the reading of the will. It was such a different affair from when Lady Hannah’s was read. Then there was only Edward, his Lordship and Mr Ernest the family lawyer. For his Lordship’s all the staff had been informed by Mr Ernest that they were to be present. Edward was not happy about this, he told me so himself, because he said it was a private thing.
All morning he could not sit still and was agitated, pacing up and down the drawing room while waiting for the time to come. His Lordship’s brother arrived early and took him into the study where they spent the next hour talking in hushed tones. Cook was nervous and kept wringing her apron so much that Harold ordered her to go and put a fresh one on because she had creased it so. Twice I watched her whisper into Harold’s ear and then stare my way. I am sure they must know about my illicit affair with Edward and if they did not then they soon will because Edward told me last night when we were together in his bed that he would announce our engagement after the reading of the will. I am most nervous about this for I know that I am not and will never be good enough for him. I told him I have nothing to offer him but my love and he told me that was all he would ever want from me.
Last night he produced a small present wrapped in the most beautiful paper. I blushed and told him I did not want him to buy me anything but he laughed and insisted I opened his gift. I unwrapped it and gasped when I opened the tiny box for inside it was Lady Hannah’s gold and diamond ring that she always wore on her wedding ring finger. It sparkled brightly in the candlelight and I felt tears begin to fall down my cheeks. Edward took the ring from the box and tenderly took hold of my hand, pushing it onto my finger and smiling at me: it fit perfectly. I told him I could never accept it but he silenced my protests with a passionate kiss. He told me that his mother would not want anyone else in the world to wear it and then he asked me to be his wife. I feel as if I am floating on air. I am to be the Lady of the house. Those dreams of filling the house with the love and laughter of children may not be dreams for much longer. I told him I would only wear the ring after the reading tomorrow and he agreed that it would be best to wait until then.
I walked into the library where everyone was waiting. Not one person coughed it was so quiet. Edward was the last to come in and he took his seat at the front of the room. Mr Ernest shuffled his papers, cleared his throat and then began to read. What he said next was such a shock I almost fainted and Harold had to sit me down on a chair. The house, land and money were to be divided in equal parts between Edward and myself. Cook gasped so loud it echoed around the room. I was so surprised I wanted to hide my face in shame. All eyes were on me and I wanted nothing more than to run from the room and hide in my tiny bedroom and shut the door on them all.
Edward was the worst. He turned to look at me and his eyes were the blackest I have ever seen. They were whirlpools of anger and hatred but then he smiled and congratulated me. He walked over and took hold of my hand and told everyone that today was truly Alice Hughes’ day because we were to be married and he slipped his mother’s diamond ring onto my finger and kissed me on the lips in front of them all. I was horrified for this was not the time or the place. My cheeks began to burn and the room began to swim, I felt my legs give way and then Edward scooped me into his arms and carried me into the drawing room telling everyone to leave us alone. I kept my eyes shut for I had no idea what to say to him. How had this happened? How had I gone from being the housekeeper’s daughter to the mistress of the house? Edward whispered into my ear that I should not worry and he would take care of everything. His lips brushed against my cheek and he left me alone while he went back to tell everyone about the changes that were to be made.
Things have been so very different around the house. I have been so busy I forgot all about my diary and it was only when I was searching for something in my attic bedroom that I found it and lay on the bed to reread it. I have brought it down to the master bedroom and locked it away in my bedside drawer to continue writing in it when I get the time. So much has happened since my last entry. Edward and I were married in April, a year to the day we first made love. It was a small ceremony, for the only family I have are that of my once fellow servants.
In the space of a year I have known so much death and tragedy it can sometimes be too much to bear. They say death comes in three’s and I fear they are not wrong. First there was my mother, then Lady Hannah and then his Lordship. Thank God for Edward. Although he spends more time in London at medical school than he does here I know that one day he will become a great doctor. He told me at the moment he is working on what is called a casual ward in the hospital where the poor, unfortunate people can walk in to get treatment for any illnesses and ailments, even if they have no money to pay. On our last telephone call he told me he had his eyes opened on a daily basis and has never met so many women who were drunkards and who sell their bodies to men for the price of a cheap drink of gin.
It is my dream that he will return home when his studies are complete and we will be able to open up a place in town to treat all the poor people who are not as fortunate as ourselves. Edward has promised to take me to London soon to meet his doctor friends and see the hospital that he works so hard in.
Cook has a new kitchen maid, for Millie disappeared without a trace last time Edward was home to visit. She left no note and gave no indication she wanted to leave so it came as a great shock to us all. Millie was there when we said goodnight and was gone by the morning. It is most strange but Cook is adamant there is a young man involved and thinks that Millie may have eloped. I hope so because it seems a far more romantic gesture than the fear I have that something awful has happened to her.
Edward keeps insisting we should take on a new housekeeper but I have told him many times it is not necessary and that I am quite capable of running this house without relying on outside help. I should also tell him that I don’t want anyone to replace my mother but it seems it is never the right time.
Alfie left to go into the army after the wedding. I know it was all too much for him and that he could not bear to see Edward as my husband. How I wish he was here now because I miss him so much and Edward is rarely home to keep me company.
Edward was not in the best of moods last time he was home; he was very quiet and rather sullen. He went back to London in a terrible mood and I have not the slightest inclination why. I know he has endured so much in such a short space of time and that he misses his parents dearly. His lovemaking was so rough and not like him, he left me with bruises on my wrists and bite marks on my breasts, which smart. The morning after he saw the marks he had left and apologised profusely, crying and begging me for his forgiveness. I did forgive him because I do not want to be angry with him. I love him so much.
Edward left for London today after a terrible argument. He came home two days ago to surprise me. He brought me the most beautiful bunch of white lilies, which are my favourite flowers, and a pearl necklace with a dainty diamond clasp. He carried me up to bed where we spent two days doing nothing but making love and talking. He was in such a good mood I thought it was now the right time to mention my longing for a baby; I have thought of nothing but since his last visit home and have been waiting for the right moment to tell him.
He exploded with fury when I mentioned it to him. He threw a vase at the wall and tore down one of Lady Hannah’s favourite paintings. He then left the drawing room and went down into the cellar. Harold told me he had taken a decanter of whisky and a glass with him. I wanted to go and see him but decided I should let him be until he calmed down. I thought that he would be excited to be a father. How could I have been so wrong? Where has my charming Edward gone? Instead he has been replaced with the black eyed, mean hurtful Edward from two years ago.
When he finally came back up to see me he was so drunk he could hardly speak. His fists were not affected in any way for he struck me so hard across the face my eye swelled shut and I ran and spent the night in my old bedroom, praying he would not come looking for me.
He never spoke to me before he left but I hope once he gets back there and thinks about his appalling behaviour he will write and apologise for his outburst. Surely he must realise that for us to become parents will make our lives complete.
As I took my breakfast in the dining room I read in The Times of a terrible murder that has occurred in a part of London called Whitechapel. The body of a woman named Polly Nichols was found and her throat had been cut from ear to ear. It said the woman also had terrible wounds to her abdomen and when she was found there was a clean white handkerchief placed across her throat. I am so glad that I live in such a beautiful, secluded house surrounded by our very own woodland and quite far from the nearest town. Nothing happens like that around here, thank the good Lord.
The newspaper described the woman as living the life of an ‘unfortunate’. I will have to ask Edward exactly what that means. I have a good idea but would hate to be wrong. I could ask Cook but she would give me one of her looks and I cannot stand to be looked down upon by her.
Edward finally telephoned me this afternoon to apologise about his dreadful behaviour when he was home last. He begged my forgiveness for hurting me so much after our last argument and asked if I was still angry with him. I laughed and told him I could not be angry with him for long. I mentioned the newspaper article and he told me not to worry about what happens down in London for it is a long way from Abbey Wood and it is a big city full of strange people. He explained what an unfortunate was and I was right. He said they were the women he treated on a daily basis on the casual ward and that made me feel even sadder. The poor woman had led an awful life and it had ended in the most horrific way. Surely she must have gone on to a better place. When I said my prayers tonight I prayed for her soul. Before I got into bed for some reason I could not get the image of Polly Nichols out of my mind and it took a long time before I fell asleep.
Once again, as I took my breakfast I read in the newspaper that another woman had been murdered in the most despicable way in Whitechapel. Annie Chapman had her throat cut just like the last one. The report went on describe her other injuries which were atrocious and it made my blood run cold to think of the pain and suffering these poor women endured. I have no idea why it affects me so. Maybe it is because I know Edward is in London and has dealings with such poor women that it brings it home to me. This woman was also found with a clean white handkerchief placed on her throat. Did the killer feel guilty about what he had done and tried to cover it over? I will never know, thankfully. I will have to ask Edward if he lives anywhere near to this dreadful Whitechapel place. I hope he does not for it sounds as if the people who live in this place have very little money. Edward does not have to worry about that for he is fortunate enough to have plenty.
I have felt sick and tired all day but I don’t know if it because these murders sicken me so and I cannot get them out of my mind or whether it is because I am coming down with something. I feel so drained and sick to the stomach all the time.
Edwards’s guilty conscience must have got the better of him for he arrived home unexpectedly today. I still feel no better and at dinner he wanted to know why I was picking at my food and not eating. He lectured me on the effects of a poor diet. I told him I had been feeling unwell and he insisted on me telling him my symptoms and checking my pulse and temperature. He did not think there was anything serious but insisted that we call out Doctor Smith first thing to confirm everything was fine. I told him to stop making a fuss but he would not listen.
As we sat in the library and talked about our plans for the future he told me he could not stop thinking about how cruel he had been on his last visit home. He apologised again but never mentioned my wanting a baby.
He had given the staff the evening off so we had the house to ourselves, which was a rare treat. For a time it was like it used to be and we made love so tenderly, just like all those months ago. Then he carried me upstairs where we lay in each other’s arms until we fell asleep.
Alfie came home on leave from the army today and I could not hide my excitement to see him again: I have missed him so dearly. I waited outside with Cook and Harold for him to arrive. When the horse and carriage pulled up in front of the house I ran down the steps and threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. He hugged me back for a short time and then stepped back as if I were burning him. I turned to see Edward watching from the billiard room window and I felt my cheeks flush. Edward was angry. I could tell by the way he was holding himself so stiff and upright. I felt my stomach clench.
Harold helped Alfie inside with his case and I retreated to go and find Edward. He was nowhere to be seen. Cook informed me he was in the cellar again. I reached the cellar door and then stopped myself. To this day I cannot bear to go down there, it still scares me so I left him to it. He told me the last time I asked him what it was he did down there that he was sorting through his parents belongings and did not want me to interrupt him. He said there were too many memories that belonged to him alone. I went back to the kitchen and sat down at the table. Cook placed a plate of freshly baked gingerbread on the table in front of me and for the first time in a week I felt my stomach growl with hunger. Gingerbread is Alfie’s favourite although if you asked her if she had made it especially for him she would no doubt deny it. Next she placed the big, tin teapot on the table and an assortment of cups and saucers. Alfie and Harold walked in and I was mother and poured the tea. We all listened to Alfie’s tales of faraway places and laughed for he was so funny. Even Harold, who normally took notice of no one nor nothing, was intrigued.
I have no idea how long we had been sitting there when Edward came into the kitchen. He nodded at Alfie and told me to come with him to the morning room. I excused myself and followed him. I knew he was furious with me and I was terrified of what was about to follow. I always knew he was jealous of Alfie but I had no idea just how much. He slammed the door shut and demanded that I was never to go and sit in the kitchen again; he told me it was a place for servants and not the Lady of the House. He was pacing back and forth across the floor. Suddenly he stopped abruptly and turned to stare at me: his eyes were black. Then he told me that if he caught me talking or touching Alfie again he would beat me until not one person on this earth would ever look at me again. I was scared because I knew that he meant every word he had just spoken. I apologised and tried to explain that Alfie was like a brother to me and we had grown up in this house with only each other for company. He struck me so hard that my head snapped back and my face began to burn. He grabbed my hair, which I had spent so long dressing this morning, and pulled it so hard the tears began to stream down my face. When he let go I ran out of the room and up the stairs to my attic bedroom and slammed the door shut. I threw myself onto the bed and cried myself to sleep. Edward never came looking for me and for that I was thankful.
Edward has not spoken to me for over a week now. The atmosphere in the house is horrid. The doctor called this morning to tell me why the sickness has not improved. He told me that I am with child. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. I was so relieved that I wasn’t seriously ill but I was also scared to tell Edward. Surely he would not still be angry with me when he finds out he is to be a father, for there is no greater gift than that of a child. I am hoping that this will bring back the Edward that I miss so much, the Edward who loves me and does not want to hurt me.
I could not stop myself and rushed to go and find him to tell him the good news. I found him in his study, head bent and writing a letter. He did not even look up at me he was so absorbed in his writing. I coughed and startled him for he looked up and slid the paper underneath the blotter. I walked in, closing the door behind me. He asked me what I wanted and I told him our wonderful news. I expected him to scoop me into his arms and kiss me. Instead he pushed himself up from his chair, the colour drained from his face leaving it a deathly white mask, his black eyes glared and he walked past me out of the room without speaking. I do not know what goes on in his mind. One moment he is happy and kind, the next he is cruel and violent.
I wondered how things would have been if it was Alfie I had married and was telling this news to. I know for a fact he would have picked me up and swung me around the room, whooping with joy. Dear happy Alfie who would no more lift a hand to swat a fly and rather die than hit me, unlike Edward, who I think takes great pleasure in hurting me.
I fear that the Edward I married was an illusion but I have no idea why. He is returning to London tomorrow so I busied myself packing his trunk and bags. I asked Harold if he knew where Edward was and he told me that he had gone down into the cellar. I smiled, thanking him for I do not want anyone to know of the difficulties between Edward and myself, it is my problem and mine alone.
How foolish I was thinking that becoming a father would put an end to his brutal outbursts. Last night he forced himself upon me and it hurt so much I was afraid I would lose my baby. He kept on biting me and holding my arms down so hard that today I am covered in bruises, the marks all down my arms and over my chest. I was so terrified for the child inside me that I did not struggle but lay there with silent tears of sadness rolling down my cheeks. He then went downstairs and drank so much of that awful whisky he likes so much that when he came back up he reeked of it. He was so drunk that he collapsed onto the bed fully clothed and fell asleep. His snores were so loud and he repulsed me enough that I crept from our marital bed up to my old bedroom.
How I longed to be a housemaid again. I used to think that I would never finish my chores and that I was so badly done to. Ha! How little did I know? Carrying heavy buckets of soapy water to scrub the stairs and spending all day on my hands and knees polishing floors until they sparkled, the thought of that life appeals to me so much more than being the beaten wife of the master of the house.
Edward got up this morning and never spoke a word to me: no apologies for his behaviour this time. Harold loaded the horse and carriage and I watched from the schoolroom window as Edward climbed in and did not even turn around to see if I was there.
I still catch my breath when I look at him for he is such a handsome man. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that my life is real. I think back to last year when everything was so perfect and he knew nothing but passion for me: I miss it so much. Deep down in my heart I know that I love him even though at the moment I am also terrified of him. I understand that he may still be grieving and things are difficult for him. Despite everything that he keeps doing to me I still feel a sense of duty towards him for he is my husband.
I went downstairs to the kitchen knowing that it would be safe for me to do so now he had left. As I reached the door I overheard Cook gossiping to Alfie about things not being so perfect for the housekeeper’s daughter now. I bowed my head and walked away not wanting to hear any more of her spiteful gossip. I did not want to see the pity or even scorn on Alfie’s face and I did not want to hear them say what they were all thinking: ‘Who did you think you were, Alice Hughes?’
I have no idea what I am to do about my predicament and have no one that I can turn to. I just hope and pray that once Edward has time to think things over in London that he will calm down and call me to beg my forgiveness.
I would give anything to confide in Alfie like I used to but he makes himself busy when I enter the room. Cook informed me he is returning to the army tomorrow.
Last night I dreamed about a life with Alfie. I know that he loves children because he talks about his sisters with great fondness. I am trapped in this most beautiful house with a man who does not love me and, in fact, I fear he loathes me more than anything else. I can only be thankful that Edward spends so much of his time in London for I dread to think what kind of life I should lead if he lived here all the time.
I could stand it no longer and went to find Alfie. He was outside in the greenhouse tending to the plants for Thomas the gardener. He looked at me for the first time in days and I could see the shock register on his face. I had not realised until this point exactly how dreadful I looked. He asked me what I was doing talking to him when it was obvious Edward – he almost spat the word out – had told me I was not allowed to. There was so much I wanted to say to him but instead I began to cry like a pitiful little girl. Alfie put down the watering can and walked over towards me. He paused, unsure what to do but then he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. I felt foolish but I could not stop myself. Everything I had bottled up seemed to come out in those tears. I rested my head on his chest.
After a while he led me to our broken bench and once again we sat down on it and I poured out my heart to him. I told him of the beatings which Edward gave to me; he made me roll up my sleeves to look at the bruises on my arms. He was so angry at Edward but still his eyes stayed the calmest of blue. He kissed my bruised arms tenderly and my eyes filled with tears once more. I told him that I was with a child that Edward did not want and I told him of my longing to be in servitude once more. This made Alfie laugh and he told me that I was never cut out to be a servant in the first place. He told me how beautiful I was and how he had loved me from the very first day I had walked into the house when I was nine years old and he had been twelve. He said I had hid behind my mother’s long skirts and had tears falling down my cheeks that day because I had fallen over onto the gravel drive and cut my knee. The long forgotten memories rushed back and we sat there for hours talking until we were both ravenous and had to go back inside. Alfie told me that he had to go back to the army but when he was next home he would help me pack up my belongings and move away with him, somewhere as far away from Abbey Wood as possible. He told me he would love the child as if it were his own because it was part of me. We would tell the people where we moved that we were married and that no one would have to know any different because it was our secret.
For the first time in months I felt as if my life could have a happy ending, just like in the fairytale books I used to read. Alfie pulled me from the bench and kissed me. It was wonderful and it felt as if our lips were meant to be together, like two pieces of a puzzle. Horse’s hooves in the distance made us pull apart and I feared that Edward had returned. I ran from the greenhouse back to the house, my stomach a tight knot. I waited in the library, watching to see who it was. Much to my relief it was the grocer making his weekly delivery for Cook. Much later on I found Alfie and made him promise never to speak of our plans to anyone for I know that if Edward were to find out he would kill the both of us, of this I have no doubt. Alfie took my hand and lifted it to his lips. Kissing it tenderly he promised it would be our secret until the day we left and never came back.
As I write this, my heart feels so much lighter. Now that I have unburdened my soul, I know that Alfie will take care of us both and I will not have to fear for my unborn baby’s life with him. I am making plans and for the first time I feel that there is hope. I will gather only the important things that I need and store them in my mother’s old trunk in my attic room. I will have to ask Mr Ernest how I withdraw the money that was left to me but I will not do this until I know the date that Alfie is coming home to fetch me in case he alerts Edward, although I feel I will be able to buy his silence for he is a strange little man.
Alfie left this morning and with him he took all of my heart, not just the small piece that has always belonged to him. I watched him from the schoolroom window as I did not want Cook to see me waving him goodbye for she cannot help herself from making idle gossip. How ironic this was the parting that should have been between Edward and myself yesterday. Instead there had only been relief that I would suffer no more pain until his next visit home.
As the carriage moved away Alfie turned to look up at the window. He blew me a kiss which I caught and blew straight back. He gave me that boyish grin that I love so much, and my heart filled with joy. I am so fortunate that he is still willing to love me even though I let Edward into my life when all along it should have been him. I am so thankful that he has found it in his heart to forgive me. I will make him the happiest man on earth and take care of him like he deserves. I have not once seen Alfie’s eyes turn black with anger and hatred. They always remain the purest of blue; so still and gentle like the calmest sea.