BREAKING THROUGH THE WALL OF SELF-DOUBT
Those people who give ‘feedback’ always say they have our interests at heart – especially bosses, teachers, parents. They do it to help us improve, because, otherwise we’d be lost and hopeless. And they remind us of that, too. They believe their place on this Earth is to help us see the light and find the better path and life awaiting us. If only we’d listen to them, take them seriously, see that they’re just trying to help us, then we could benefit from their constructive wisdom.
But why does it feel so different? Why does it just feel like we’re being nagged? Why do we feel that they’re just using this ‘I’m-saying-this-for-your-benefit’ line to hide behind, when all they’re doing is taking out all their insecurities and hang-ups on us? Why? Because they probably are.
The sad fact is that many of us have been (and sometimes still are) subjected to constant criticism, especially as children. Now, of course, parents and adults do need to teach children certain things about behavior. But we all know the difference between:
‘Kylie, please wait for everyone else before you start eating.’
‘Kylie, why are you so selfish? I have to tell you every single day not to eat before the rest of us. Can’t you see that I haven’t even sat down yet? I slave away to put a meal on the table for you, and all you want to do is gulp it down and get back to your video games. Do you know how that makes me feel? You wait till you have kids, young lady, maybe then you’ll understand.’
Children are free, spontaneous, innocent souls. And that can be beautiful and inspiring to behold. Unless, of course, you’re a trapped, stressed, resentful, angry, unconscious adult. In which case that child offers a constant reminder of what you’re not – of what you’ve lost and of what you’ll never be again. And that just makes you even angrier, which is wrong and unfair. If you’ve had a shit life, why should they sit there feeling so free? Of course, you’d never think about that, or realize that. Otherwise, the pain might start to penetrate that frosted-up heart. No, you’re doing this for their benefit. And we’ve seen you doing this for their benefit outside school, in the restaurant, in the grocery store:
‘Kylie, would you stop messing around. Just keep up. I’ve got lots to do here. No, you can’t have any Cheerios. Do you know how much they cost? You think money grows on trees? You wait till you have to earn some money around here, then you’ll realize. You’re just so selfish.’
That, and a similar range of comments, is what we hear every day, and heard as kids.
Now listen, I’m a parent, I know parenting is no piece of cake. It’s close to impossible not to let your stuff get mixed up in the game occasionally. You lose your patience with your children more because something has upset you at work than because what your children have done justifies it. We’ve all done it. We all do it. We’ll all continue to do it. But, please, stay conscious; know when it’s you and when it’s them. And go easy on the little ones.
And go easy on yourself – even when you’re not going so easy on the little ones.
Go easy on yourself because no one else has been. So it’s up to you. You see, all that criticism you’ve been subjected to, no matter what the motivation was, has had its effect. It always has its effect. Sure, some of the effects might apparently be positive. You might be a very polite, considerate person. But it also has many negative effects. Because what all those adults were saying (with your best interest at heart, of course) was ‘You’re wrong. You’re doing wrong. You’re not up to much. You’re not good enough.’
That’s the message we receive: YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And we receive it from people who are giants in our world: the parents and teachers who dominate our world, whom we often look up to, and sometimes love, too. But these giants are telling us, YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. When we’re told, ‘Can you just try, for once, to keep your bloody room tidy please?’ We hear, YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. When we try our hardest at school and are told, ‘Could do better, could try harder,’ we receive, YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
And not just as kids. When we miss that job opportunity, when we get that work review, when we’re dumped in a relationship, when we get to the meeting late and they look at us in that way, we receive, YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
So, slowly, but inevitably, we start to feel I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Until we feel that, in almost every way, I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And we doubt ourselves in everything we do. And become hard on ourselves. And push ourselves harder. But the voice is always there – ‘I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.’ And because we’re now so deep in self-doubt (and the doubt is always ‘AM I GOOD ENOUGH?’), we become hard on others, too. So we start to tell those around us, in one way or another, YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And the stinking cycle continues, knocking the self-esteem out of millions of people every day, as more and more people slip into chronic, and possibly permanent, self-doubt.
So, what to do?
Well, you have to start saying F**k It to those voices and that programming. Because it is a form of programming. You can see that with what was happening in D Block. If you’re told perpetually that you’re not doing well enough, then of course you start to believe that you’re not doing well enough. In fact, what happens for most of us is that we internalize the external voices over time. So there’s a good chance that the things you tell yourself all day long are actually other people’s voices you’ve internalized. It’s true, isn’t it? If you listen hard enough to the nonsense that goes on in your brain every day, you can actually recognize the source of some of those voices. Oh, yes, that’s my dad’s voice all right, or that’s my ma, or that’s Aunt Mabel, or that’s Mr. Pipkins.
Start to say F**k It to those negative voices and influences. Then the key to healing is in the very phrase ‘self-doubt.’ What’s the opposite of doubt? Trust? So replace self-doubt with self-trust. Start to trust what you feel more. Start to trust that what you do IS good enough. Learn to tune into what’s actually going on for you. Learn to tune in to what you actually want to do. Learn to tune in to what you actually think is the right thing to do in a situation.
And to do this tuning in, we need to say F**k It to those voices and messages from outside – and all the bits that have seeped into our brains.
For example:
You love music. And, 20 years ago, at school, you used to play the piano. And you’ve realized that you’d like to start playing again… because you used to love it.
Thing is, they didn’t think you were up to much. The piano teacher seemed to prefer other pupils and always put you down. So you gave it up and never thought any more about it. Until now…
And, as you realize that you’d like to start playing again, you think, Don’t be silly, you were never any good at that, why would you want to do it now?
So, here’s the trick: recognize it’s the voice of your piano teacher, internalized. Say F**k It to that voice. And listen to (TRUST) that other voice within you that says ‘I’d love to play the piano again, I used to really love it.’ With consciousness, you can differentiate between these voices. With trust, you can start to break through the thick old walls of self-doubt. And with a frequent F**k It to those voices, you can move rapidly from self-doubt into perpetual self-trust instead.