There are going to be times, of course, when what other people are thinking and saying gets to you (you might wonder how you’d know what people are thinking if they’re not saying it, but you do, you know you do), especially, if you love them and value their opinion. Just like getting hit in your figurative prison escape, there’s a variety of things you can do:
You understand what’s not working for you, you’ve made your escape plan, and you’ve started to enact it. And everyone around you thinks you’re potty. And that bothers you. Well, pause for a while. Don’t jump yet. Give it some time. Think things through some more. You’ve got all the time in the world and there may well be more than one way of skinning a cat, not putting all your eggs in the same basket, not burning bridges, etc., etc. After all, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, the early bird catches the worm, and you can’t teach an old dog new tricks (those last three were randomly included when I realized all those tasked with translating this new book will recoil in horror when they see I’ve used some idiosyncratic idioms that have little relevance to the original point). Google them!
The process of pushing out and then retreating back a little is very natural. So use it. It’s how we make progress in most areas of our lives. It’s what TV and delivery pizzas were made for. You need the yin of retreat to balance the yang of the breakout.
Your break for freedom can often feel very lonely. So get some help. Find a guide – someone who understands what you’re going through and what you’re trying to do, and can help you from an objective standpoint (i.e., someone who’s not invested in you staying exactly where and who you are). There are also many ‘guides’ available on the bookshelves and internet – teachers (like us) who can help you in a variety of ways at different stages of your journey to freedom. And what you need from a teacher and guide may well change as you progress. Open to the idea that the help you need will appear when you need it. Just remembering that you could do with some help (the medical attention) at times is usually enough to attract that help into your life.
Keep at it. No one said it was going to be easy. Keep trusting yourself. This is the road less travelled, and because of that it’s not perfectly surfaced and maintained. It can be bumpy, rutted, and difficult to keep to. At times you can’t even see which way the road goes. You even forget why you took this road in the first place. But it’s hard to go back. In fact, going back is just as bumpy and rutted. Take a rest occasionally, but if you’re using your heart and your gut as your compass, keep sticking to your chosen direction and, in the end, you can’t go wrong.
Do you know anyone who does this: you ask them to do something that would help you and improve the relationship, and they reply that of course they will and they completely understand, and they’re sorry if their behavior has caused difficulty… then they go away and don’t change a thing. You talk to them again. And they reply in exactly the same positive way. But they go away and, again, nothing changes. It’s confusing to deal with.
And it’s the equivalent of playing dead. When you talk to the person, there’s no resistance, just complete agreement. But when you walk away, they carry on as they were. Just like when you approach the prone body, there’s no movement, no breathing, but when you turn your back and walk away, they start dancing a jig – until you turn and look at them and they drop to the floor, ‘dead’ again.
It’s confusing, but it can be very effective. So this is what you could try. When anyone comes to you expressing their concern or disagreement, you sit there calmly and agree with everything they’re saying, and you completely understand what they’re saying. But you don’t add the ‘but’ that normally comes next. You offer no resistance. You make it look as if they’ve helped you to see the error of your ways, and you’ll walk away from that helpful conversation and change everything (back).
But you change nothing. You carry on as you were. When they come to you again, somewhat baffled that you haven’t changed a thing, use the same tactic and agree with them entirely but do nothing.
After a few rounds of this, they’ll leave you alone. It hasn’t been unpleasant for you or them. But you’ve achieved what you wanted (which was to be left alone). In fact, ironically enough, what you’ll most likely elicit in them is a gentle ‘Oh, F**k It.’ They’ll feel they tried, that they did their duty, but it’s just not worth it. They’ll leave you alone, but then be happy for you when it all works out. In fact, peculiarly enough, they might well feel part of it. Nice.