JOUNCING along like a bean on a balloon, the jeep took the bumpy dirt road in stride. Sitting next to the driver, hanging on to the seat with one hand and his bass horn with the other, Jimmy Hoople breathed big gasps of air, between bumps. “Hey, for Pete’s sake, will you take it easy!”
“Whassa matter?” the driver hollered back. “Can’t ya take it?”
“Yeah, I can, but Lulu here can’t. She’s getting knocked fulla bumps and I gotta play at the General’s concert tonight! Slow down!”
“Bah!” said the driver, and just to show how what a corporal thought of a twirp that played in the band, pushed down a little harder on the gas. Poor Lulu, her brass sides looked like they were through combat maneuvers. Every three seconds there would be a loud “bong” as she hit the dashboard to an accompanying groan by Private Hoople.
At eight P.M. that night the General himself was visiting the camp, and in his honor the band was putting on a gala concert. But the members of the brass section were the last ones notified. They were out digging holes for communication lines all day and had to be rounded up like steers. Jimmy Hoople thought he’d be glad to have a rest from his shovel, but now he wasn’t so sure. And to make matters worse he had dragged Lulu along to toot a few notes between holes and now look at her. The horn was a sorry looking thing, covered with dust and dents. It was bad enough when the fellows ribbed him about it looking like a sound detecting device … but now it resembled a battered garbage pail!
Darkness was beginning to close in swiftly, and the sky darkened with nasty black clouds. Horse Williams, the driver, gave them an anxious glance and sent the jeep shooting ahead. What a time to get caught in a thunderstorm! Jimmy said nothing and held on. The General expected a concert and he’d get one!
FIFTEEN MILES to go! The jeep skidded around a turn, then forged ahead. They approached an intersection that cut into the road they were on and Jimmy pointed a shaking finger toward it. “Car cutting in.” Horse nodded and stepped on it a bit. The driver of the other car tried to do the same thing, and what happened would make a junkyard owner shout for joy. Both hit the same spot at the same time with the noise of ten tanks hitting a stone wall!
Jimmy and Horse saw it coming and gave one mighty leap that carried them into the dirt. Jimmy clutching Lulu for all he was worth! The jeep and the other car hit with a crash and both cars tumbled over into the dust. With his head sticking through the bass horn, Jimmy and Horse took one look at the staff flags on the other car’s crumpled fenders and almost passed out.
A very battered, mustached gentleman crawled out, his hat over one eye. The seat of his pants flew like a flag on a pole, while his tunic hung in shreds. But still intact on his shoulders were the four gold stars.
“Oh, my gosh!” Horse wailed. “The General! We’ve wrecked ’im!”
“YOU!” bellowed the General. “I’ll skin you alive for this! Where do you think you were going! I’ll have your heads nailed to a pole! You’ll do KP for a month of Sundays! I’ll … I’ll … Poosh!” He blew dirt and grass out of his mustache and tried to cover his exposed dignity with his hat. Man … was he mad!
Then it started to rain. For five weeks the sun had shone, and the moon was bright; now it had to rain. If ever two soldiers got themselves in a mess, this was it.
“Get up, you ninnys! Get me a canvas, I’m getting wet!”
Horse and Jimmy jumped up and ran to the wrecked touring car, out of which was crawling a very mean-looking Sergeant with an evil glint in his eye. Jimmy dropped Lulu and he and Horse grabbed the top of the car and pulled. It would have been all right if they had unhooked the canvas top first, but no … it peeled off like a banana skin.
The General said some of the things the top Sergeant does when the boys forgot which was their left flank and marched the wrong way. He picked up an axle and advanced on them threateningly. “Get me out of this … OR I’LL WRING YOUR NECKS!”
By now the Sergeant was on his feet ready to sock somebody. The rain poured down harder than ever, making slop out of the dirt road, and huge puddles of the fields. To one side of the road the little half-dried up stream that barely trickled along a half-hour ago was roaring past, taking out big chunks of the bank. Now it was overflowing onto the road.
“G-General,” said Horse, “we’d better get outa here. The river’s coming up and we gotta cross it further on.”
“Really?” muttered the General. Then he screamed out, “Naturally we have to! Fifteen miles to the camp where I’m supposed to listen to a concert. No car, raining cats and dogs, the river’s coming up … oh, you beetle brains!” He wrapped the hunks of canvas about his exposed parts and the four started down the road. Jimmy clutched Lulu, patting her like a kitten, giving Horse dirty looks for all this trouble.
He hadn’t taken more than a few steps when he got the bright idea of pepping up the morale with a few toots of the horn. He put Lulu to his lips and blew … and a miniature Niagara spouted out of the bell and splashed down the General’s neck.
Woe!
The General grabbed Jimmy by the neck with one hand then rammed Lulu over Jimmy’s head. “Why you … Is there anything that you can do right! Not bad enough to have it rain … now you pour water down my neck! Just wait until we get to camp!”
“Can I shoot ’em, huh?” the Sergeant said quickly, “Please?”
“We’ll see. I was reserving that pleasure for myself!”
Horse and Jimmy started to shake like leaves in a hurricane. After Jimmy Hoople wrenched the horn off his head he got a little sore. After all, they couldn’t help it because their car ran into the General’s. And they didn’t bring on the rain. Fooey on the General, let him be sore. They came to the banks of the river where it crossed the road, took one look and gasped.
A raging torrent crossed their path, carrying with it trees and chicken coops from which hens cackled gaily. Those hens must have been half duck.
The General tapped the Sergeant. “Maybe you can think up a way out of this … you used to be with the engineers.”
But the Sergeant just shook his head. Hoople had the brilliant flash of an idea then.
“General, this river goes right past the camp. Why don’t we float down? We could snare a couple of hencoops or something and make a raft!”
Horse sneered, the Sergeant sneered, but the General looked glum.
“I don’t care what we do. I just don’t want to stay here all night. Do something, do ANYTHING!”
So the three got busy dragging out a lot of hunks of wood and tying them into a semblance of a raft. Chickens fluttered all over the place, squawking at being thrown from their perches. Finally they had a crude gadget assembled, and they got on. Jimmy held Lulu carefully, overlooking the nasty glances of the others. That horn could get a guy into more trouble …
BAM! The raft hit the bank. SLOSH! Water splashed all over everybody. WHAM! It hit a chickencoop and the fowls flew all over the place. One landed in the General’s lap and pecked at his nose.
“Ow! Get those things out of here!”
The men leaped to obey, but only succeeded in getting pecked themselves, so they had to share their raft with a pack of supper bait.
“There’s the camp!” Jimmy pointed Lulu toward the lights ahead. The place rushed toward them. At the sped they were going they’d never stop anywhere near it.
Horse was worried. “Whatta we gonna do?”
“I got it!” Jimmy answered.
Lulu came up to his mouth again … only this time the General ducked back. Jimmy gave out a deep “BOOMPH BAHAA” warbled out of Lulu’s throat. Again and again he tooted the horn until he thought that his lungs would come out, too.
“This is terrible,” wailed the General. “They can’t hear us!”
Jimmy tooted some more. Suddenly out of nowhere an alert sentry appeared on the bank.
“Halt! Who goes there! Stop, or I’ll shoot!”
“What do you mean, stop? We can’t stop!” yelled back the General. “Get me off here or I’ll have your neck!”
But the sentry must have thought the Japs had landed. BANG! BANG! BANG! Bullets skipped off the water.
“You did this to me!” shouted the General, from flat on his stomach.
The men groaned. Suddenly the raft went CRRASH! Splinters flew … so did the General. Chickens filled the air. The sentry ran down and put them all under guard. Fortunately, the General still had the stars on his shoulders, and when the sentry saw that after shooting at him …
MEN CAME UP. All Horse and Jimmy could do was splutter. The General was hustled off to change his clothes, while the rest went ahead to the recreation hall. Jimmy held tightly to Lulu and ran inside out of the rain. Soon the men and officers gathered and a refreshed General took his seat in the front row, glaring at the soggy Jimmy Hoople on the platform. Jimmy was thinking fast. Perhaps, if he put on a good show, the General wouldn’t be so mad any more.
Jimmy stepped forward to the edge of the platform for his solo. So far things were going fine … the General was smiling. The music started … this was his first number … he’d better be good. Lulu’s mouthpiece went to his lips. He blew. He blew harder. Nothing came out … Then he blew as hard as he could … and an egg plopped out … flew through the air … and landed square on the General’s head …!
Oh, woe!
***