I had to leave. The situation was always supposed to be temporary. It was a place to lay my weary head until everything blew over. I didn’t expect it to be where I also laid my cock. Or a place where I laid out my vulnerabilities.
My failure as a husband.
Addiction.
The darkest secret I’d always have to hide.
How did that happen? Fuck if I knew, but I would do just about anything for her, including leaving. I had to. She was a shepherd, and I was the wolf in sheep’s clothing she’d rescued. To be honest, I think she’d have saved me whether I dressed up as one of her flock or not. That’s who she was, though. Someone much too good for me.
I walked into the kitchen, wearing a much quieter shirt of her father’s and my freshly washed jeans. I found Vanessa on the couch, her nose buried in her book. My heart fluttered in my chest at the sight of her as her eyes traveled up my body. There was little conversation between us once I told her I was leaving, as if she didn’t want to face the idea. She looked a bit betrayed. But I was older than her, and I had to be the responsible one, and that was the responsible thing to do.
I leaned over and put her face between my hands, and she rolled her eyes up to me. “I want to do something before I leave.”
Vanessa cocked her head, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “What?” she asked as she folded the page and put the book beside her on the table. Her eyes rounded with sadness when she realized I said I was leaving. Maybe she thought I wasn't serious when I said I had to go. But I had to go.
I pulled a scarf from my pocket. “Go to the bedroom and put this over your eyes. Tie it tight.”
“Wh-why?” she stammered.
“Just do it,” I commanded, tugging her to her feet.
She hesitated, her eyes narrowing on me before she left me alone in the living room. I took a deep breath and listened to the loud tick of the songbird-faced clock on the wall. I followed her, expecting to find her in the bedroom but not blindfolded like I asked. I expected more of a fight. When I opened the door, she stood in the center of the room, her back toward the door and the scarf tied around her head. My cock swelled at the sight of her.
I walked behind her and she jumped as my breath hit the bare skin of her shoulder hidden only by the thin strap of a cami. I put my hand on her shoulder. “Shh, little girl,” I whispered.
I adjusted her blindfold and tied it better behind her head.
“What are we doing?” she asked, lifting her chin to peek beneath the edge of the scarf. I circled her like a predator until I was face to face with her. Her lower lip quivered, pouted out a bit. I didn’t know if it was from fear or excitement. I probably would be worried I was being prepared for my execution if I were her, but there she was, with slow, even breaths.
“I know you can’t let yourself fuck me,” I whispered. I took a step into her and began to unbutton her jeans. Her hand reached for my wrist to stop me. “This is what I mean.” I grabbed her hand and put it at her side once more. I lowered the zipper, and the sound made me bite my lip. Her arm twitched, as if she wanted to stop me again. “Pretend I’m not me, little girl. And let me make you feel good before I go. I’ve fucked your willing body, but not that pretty mind of yours. I want both.”
“Cole . . .” she whispered, a sternness in her hushed voice.
I didn’t answer her. I wanted her to think I was anyone else.
Nameless.
Faceless.
Voiceless.
I’d be whoever she wanted me to be in her mind. Her late boyfriend? A goddamn celebrity? Anyone besides the person standing in front of her. Even though it hurt, I would be what she wanted, even though it wasn’t me.
I pulled down her jeans, encouraging her as she put her hand on my shoulder and stepped out of them. My breath hitched at the sight of her black panties partially obscured by her thick thighs. I hungered for what was beneath them, but I wouldn’t ravage her. I ran my hand up her shirt, hovering at the curves of her belly. Soft. Warm. I went higher, palming her stunning tits. I had to reach down and adjust myself the moment I got my hands on them. She inhaled sharply as I took off her shirt. She stood in front of me, wearing nothing more than those panties.
“What’s happening?” she demanded once more.
I met her question with my mouth on her lips. That was the only answer she would get.
I kissed her, hard and deep, and her mouth welcomed my tongue. Her hands rose up my chest, and I groaned at her willing touch. Then they went lower and rubbed the front of my jeans. I throbbed.
I reached out for her and tugged down the last bit of fabric concealing her body. As I kneeled to ease them past her full ass and thighs, I stopped to give her a long lick between her legs. I inhaled her scent. She was fucking delicious. She curled her pelvis into me and put her hand on my head to steady herself. I didn’t give her more than a lick as I slipped down her panties. She tugged at my hair in longing.
I wanted her to want it.
She kicked her panties aside, and my hands trailed up her body as I stood. My mouth found hers again. Instead of anger, desire fueled the intensity of her kiss. When I unzipped my jeans, she trembled.
I slipped down my jeans and boxers, guided her toward the bed, and laid her on her back. When she tried to lift the blindfold, I pinned her wrists above her head. My kisses wandered down her chest until I could flick her nipples with my tongue. She whimpered, and it made me throb. I gripped and rubbed my painfully hard cock.
I released her wrists from the grasp of my other hand and rubbed my fingers where she dripped. I leaned between her legs and caught her wetness with my tongue. With her taste in my mouth, I kissed her once more.
She bit her lip as I drew away from her. “Please,” she whispered. It wasn’t the same pleading that came with her protests. No, it was begging. She was begging me for it.
I dropped between her legs and obliged her, licking in long strokes along her swollen clit. Her chest rose from the mattress, and one of her hands reached for the sheets as the other grabbed the flesh of her chest. A moan left her lips as she gripped the sheet. I put my fingers inside her, feeling her tight, willing pussy—dripping wet and wanting more. I filled her with my fingers, pushing them in and out of her while my tongue flicked at her clit. She trembled and her thighs tightened around me so hard that I had to pull away from her clit to grab her inner thighs, smearing her wetness on one of them as I spread her open. If I could have talked, I would have told her to keep her thighs spread for me, give me full access to her perfect fucking pussy. Instead, I opened her silently before dropping and devouring her once more.
She gripped my hair. “I’m going to come,” she whispered.
I wanted to tell her to come for me, but I couldn’t. I just pushed my fingers deeper into her and ate her like she was the last thing I’d ever eat. Like a man on death row. I was preparing to leave, but not without a belly full of her.
She came. Hard. An orgasm that lingered in the air through her panting breaths. I climbed up her body and kissed her. She took my face between her hands, rubbing her fingers along the stubble of my beard as if she were reading braille.
I rested my aching cock against her warm, still-twitching pussy. I gripped myself and rubbed the head along her skin, closer to where I wanted to be the most—deep inside her.
I watched her for any signs that she wanted me to stop. Her hands were loose at her sides, releasing the fabric. She bit her lower lip. Her hips moved subtly, rubbing herself against my cock.
I pushed inside her, and a sharp breath left her lips. She felt so goddamn good. Spread open for me, she looked so incredible. I rubbed her thighs, raking my nails down her sensitive skin. She moaned as I thrust as far as I could go inside her, bottoming out just before the hilt of my dick. I was too preoccupied with how her pussy felt around my cock to notice her hands creeping toward her face. I didn’t notice until I saw her intense green eyes staring back at me.
At me. Not anyone else.
My breath hitched. I expected her to start struggling as I waited for her guilt to suck away her pleasure. Instead, her lips crept into a smile and she pulled me into her for a kiss. Her legs wrapped around me as I buried myself deeper inside her, grinding my pelvis into hers.
“Fuck, little girl,” I growled as I pulled away from her mouth. She gazed up at me with a look that made me want to stay. But I couldn’t. She knew I couldn’t. Her nails dug into my back as I fucked her. “Mouth or pussy?” I asked.
She knew the rules, even if the game was almost over.
“My pussy,” she whispered before tucking her face into the crook of my neck.
I knew the release was coming. The moment she looked at me and I knew she wasn’t afraid of the boogeyman between her legs, it drew pleasure from my balls. I’d happily fill her pussy. I came, growling as my hips pulsed against hers and my slow thrusts savored our final moments, trying to commit how it felt to my memory.
I lay beside her, come still dripping from us both, and took her into my arms. Her head lay on my chest, her breasts sweaty and sticky against me. My spent cock rested against my thigh, and I blew out a breath.
“I'm going to miss you, little girl,” I whispered. “And your smart-ass mouth.” I smirked. I tried to make a joke out of it. I tried to hide my true feelings. I didn't want to leave. But I had to. I kept reminding myself I had no choice.
I kissed her forehead and realized just how much she looked like she wanted to say something to me. Her eyes were pleading.
“Are you sure you have to go?” she finally asked as her breaths evened out.
I put a hand over her flushed cheek. “You know I do. I’d stay if I could.” There was so much more I wanted to experience with her. Hell, even this cuddling thing, where she fit so perfectly against me.
“I don't think I can go back to my normal life,” she whispered. She had to. Her normal life was good for her. “After the car accident, I was never the same. I put everything into work and school. I gave myself no time to get lost in my thoughts.” She sighed. “You've forced me to confront feelings I've repressed for so long. You've silenced my thoughts. I could only focus on you between my legs. You've made me feel alive again, Cole. And I hate it, but it's true.”
I swallowed. A trapped breath stalled the movement of my chest. She revived me just as much, but there was nothing I could do about it. We needed to stay alive . . . apart.
“I know, little girl. I wish I knew you before I did what I did.” I hugged her tighter against my chest.
She was the one thing I didn’t regret about all the horrible things I’d done. In a world of darkness, she was fucking light.