“IT WAS LIKE a bad sitcom.” They’d been at Whit’s Pub, a rustic dive bar on the wharf in Seaport, for more than an hour, and Tara was telling Levi about some of her funniest photo shoots. “Every time the parents finally got the kids settled, the baby would cry or the two-year-old would throw sand. And the three-year-old kept shouting for no reason, which scared the puppy, and then he’d run around barking, sending the younger one into hysterics.”
“And yet you love photographing kids and keep going back for more.” Levi shook his head.
“I do love it.” She sipped her wine and pushed her empty plate to the side.
They’d shared clams on the half shell as an appetizer and had enjoyed scallops and pasta for dinner, all of which was delicious. She and Levi had never gone out to dinner alone before, and even though this wasn’t a date and she missed Joey, she was loving having him all to herself. But as much as she wanted to spin it into something more, what he’d said earlier—If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for Joey—had hit home in more ways than one. The combination of that comment and having such a great time together was the golden ticket she needed to put the nail in the resolution coffin. Their friendship was perfect. It was fun, easy, and just flirty enough to make her feel special. Okay, lately she felt a lot more than special, but she never wanted anything to ruin what they had, and she realized she’d been silly hoping for something magical to happen. She’d been looking at it all wrong. Something magical had already happened. Levi was a man who went after what he wanted, and even though he hadn’t gone after Tara in the way she’d hoped, he had welcomed her into his and Joey’s lives, and she loved being there. She didn’t want to risk messing that up for something that would never come, and having that perspective made it easier to relax and just be herself again.
“I bet you never put your camera down when you were with that family, did you?”
He knew her so well. “Nope. I take some of my best pictures during the most unexpected moments. Like when the parents are at the end of their ropes, but they pick up their child or crouch next to them and that child smiles. I can see their love push their frustration aside. Those are some of my favorite moments. They’re so real and beautiful, I get goose bumps just thinking about them. Look.”
She pulled up her sleeve and held out her arm. He ran his big, rough hand down it, his eyes never leaving hers as he gave her wrist a gentle squeeze, sending electric currents all the way to her heart before letting go. She wanted to savor those scintillating sensations, but she knew better and put her hands in her lap. I will not lust after you. I will not lust after you.
“You’ve gotten great shots of me and Joey that way, but I can’t imagine juggling multiple kids and a dog.”
“It wasn’t easy. The puppy kept running off and the kids would chase him. We’d booked an hour, and we were there for three, half of which was spent listening to the three-year-old’s stories, because she had so much to say.”
“Oh, man.” Levi sat back, grinning and shaking his head. “Remember how Joey used to tell stories that went on and on, and just when we thought she was done, she’d take a big breath and go right into another?”
“I loved when she did that.” Tara remembered Joey’s adorable antics as she waved her hands or scrunched up her face. Sometimes Levi would whisper, I’ll distract her so you can go outside before you lose your mind. But Tara had never taken him up on it. She didn’t want to miss out on that part of Joey’s life. “Remember when she was four and she’d get so excited she couldn’t talk? She’d fist her little hands and shake all over.”
“Yeah, I worried she was having a seizure.”
“No, you didn’t.”
He shook his head. “She was so stinking cute.”
“I miss those days. But she tells even better stories now.”
“She sure does.” He took a drink, and his expression softened, as if he was thinking about Joey’s stories.
“Do you ever miss when she was little?”
He shrugged. “Maybe on occasion, like when we’re talking about it, but those were tough times. I’m just glad we got through the early years in one piece.”
“Oh, come on. You’ve always been such a good dad. You’d never let anything happen to her.”
“Thanks, but half the time I didn’t know what I was doing. She was so tiny and vulnerable.” He took a drink. “I thought as she got bigger and wasn’t quite so fragile, I’d worry less, but the worrying never stops.”
“For me either, and I’m just her aunt.”
“You’re not just her aunt, Tara. You’re one of the most important people in our lives.”
She remembered hearing him say something similar to Keira at Rock Bottom, and as happy as that made her, she forced herself to put it into perspective. She was an important friend.
Their waitress, Macie Walsh, the cute single mother who had just started working a second job at Indi’s boutique, came over to clear their plates. “How was everything?”
“Great, thanks,” Levi said as Tara said, “Delicious, thank you.”
“Can I tempt you with some dessert?” she asked. “We have a killer Boston cream pie tonight.”
Levi’s gaze shot to Tara, and she knew by his mischievous grin that he was thinking about the éclair, too.
“That sounds perfect,” he said. “One slice, two forks, please.”
“Coming right up.”
As Macie walked away, Tara said, “Are you sure you want a fork and you don’t want to just lap it up with your tongue?”
Those dark eyes turned sinful, just as they had in her parents’ driveway, but she wasn’t falling prey to that little trick again and steeled herself against the streak of heat that sexy look caused. Eventually putting things into perspective would get easier, right? She wouldn’t need to remind herself forever, would she?
“I would,” he said seductively. “But I didn’t want to embarrass you by getting you wet in public.”
“Shut up.” She threw her napkin at him. “I’m going to be much more careful with the words I use around you.”
“Aw, come on. Don’t kill my fun. I like cutting loose with you.”
“You like knocking me off-kilter.”
“Yeah, well. It is fun. You’re adorable when you’re flustered, and I spend enough time watching what I say around Joey.”
She sipped her wine, patting herself on her back for not clinging to the niceties he was sprinkling like moondust. The space gave her the courage to ask what she’d been wondering for a long time. “Speaking of my wonderful niece, do you ever think about having more kids?”
“Our lives are so busy, I haven’t really thought about it.”
“Come on. You haven’t gone out with anyone that made you wish for, or wonder about, having more?” She couldn’t believe she was asking him that, but then again, she could believe it. She had to know. They never talked about the people they went out with. It wasn’t that she’d intentionally avoided the subject. She knew he probably went out with a lot of women, but when they were together, it was either with a group of their friends or with Joey. When their friends made references to dating, he usually brushed them off, and when they were with Joey, her thoughts rarely strayed, because she was exactly where she wanted to be. Suddenly a horrible thought occurred to her, and she wished she could take the question back, because if he told her about a woman he was going out with, or falling for, or contemplating a future with, she might just die on the spot.
He leaned forward, crossing his arms on the table. “Believe it or not, tonight is the first time I’ve been alone with a woman in ages.”
“No way.” She set down her glass, flabbergasted, and then she realized he might not want to talk about it with her. “You don’t have to tell me. I’m sorry. I was being nosy.”
“Seriously, T. When do you think I have time to go out?”
“I don’t know. I figured you went out after church or on Sundays, when you go riding with the guys.” Church was what the Dark Knights motorcycle club called their meetings.
“Church is on Wednesday nights. I go home to Joey afterward, and Sundays are for family. After our rides, I hang out with my cousins and whoever else wants to stick around, and Joey’s right there with us.”
Tara had met his cousins Jesse and Brent in Harborside. They were older than Levi and owned Hooligan’s restaurant and Endless Summer Surf Shop. She really liked them. They adored Joey, and it was obvious how much they respected and loved Levi. But she wasn’t buying what he was saying about not dating. Emboldened by her fresh perspective, she called him on it. “You don’t really expect me to believe that you never go out with women.”
“Go out is a relative term.” He cocked a grin. “I’m no saint, but I do give a shit about what my daughter and the parents of her friends think of me. I take care of my needs when Joey isn’t around, and I’m careful not to get together with anyone she knows. I don’t ever want my daughter used in some sort of manipulation tactic. And like I said, it’s been a while.”
She didn’t know what she’d expected to hear, but it wasn’t such blatant honesty, and she was surprised at how it made her feel. While she didn’t want to think about him with other women, she wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with her. “That’s respectable, but it makes me kind of sad for you.”
“It shouldn’t,” he said with a deathly serious tone. “It’s how things should be. What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Have you got a guy on the line?”
“I wish,” she said more to herself than to him.
His jaw tightened. “If it’s Ryan you’re hoping for, he was definitely into you last weekend.”
“He was not into me. Bellamy was way off base.”
“No, she wasn’t. Guys know these things.”
She rolled her eyes. “In my experience, guys are clueless to what’s right in front of them.”
“So you are into him,” he said gruffly, the muscles in his jaw bunching.
“I never said that.” She took another drink, wondering why he was talking about Ryan.
“Well, he’s great with his nephew. You know he’d be a good baby daddy.”
She choked on her wine, nearly spewing it out, and grabbed a napkin to wipe her mouth. “Who says I’m looking for a baby daddy?”
“Nobody. I was kidding,” he said as Macie arrived with their dessert.
“One slice, two forks.” Macie set a plate with an enormous slice of pie on it and silverware between them. “Can I get you anything else?”
“I think we’re all set. Thanks, Macie.” Levi handed Tara a fork as Macie walked away, his expression lighter than it was moments ago. “This looks almost as good as the éclair.”
“Almost? It looks amazing.” She ate a bite, and the sweet goodness melted in her mouth. “Mm. It’s every bit as good.”
“It would be tastier if you were holding it.” He smirked.
She pointed her fork at him. “I’m not letting you throw me off with your ridiculous games anymore, so put away that troublemaking smirk.”
He pointed his fork at her. “You know what, Osten? I think this is the first time we’ve ever gone to dinner alone.”
“It is. It’s kind of weird, right, without Joey?” She scooped up another forkful of pie.
“I don’t know about that. I kind of like having you all to myself.”
He held her gaze, and she wondered if he could see her swatting that sweetness away with her imaginary tennis racket.
“Now you can tell me all your secrets.” He took a bite, dragging the fork out of his mouth slowly, his eyes never leaving hers, as if he could lure her secrets out with hotness.
If she wasn’t determined not to look foolish again, she might even fall for it. “I hate to burst your bubble, but I don’t have many secrets.”
“Sure you do. You didn’t tell me you were buying a house until I saw the flyers.”
“That wasn’t a secret. I had just started looking and didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”
“I think it was a little bit of a secret, wasn’t it? You’re a private person. That’s one of the things I admire about you.”
She would get really good at mental tennis if he kept this up. “I guess you could say I’m private.” Considering I kept a secret from my two best friends for so long.
“We’ve known each other forever, and I think you know you can trust me,” he said thoughtfully. “You said you wanted to get your personal life in order, and if you’re not looking for a baby daddy, what are you looking for?”
That was a loaded question. “Do you really want to know?”
“Yes, I really do. You’re embarking on a big change and an exciting time in your life. I’d love to hear what you envision.”
She took a deep breath and told him the truth. “I guess I want what I’ve always dreamed of. A house full of love, with pictures of my kids on every wall, finger paintings on the fridge, and a husband who hates to leave us in the morning and can’t wait to get home to us every evening. I don’t want to just watch my kids grow up. I want to be part of that process, helping with homework and school projects and baking birthday cakes. I want to pile on the couch with my family on cold winter nights in front of a roaring fire and play silly games and roast marshmallows, chocolate, and strawberries in waffle cones, because everyone else makes s’mores. I want to sing with my kids into hairbrushes and take them for prom dresses and suits, and never, ever make them feel like they don’t measure up.”
She felt like Joey going on and on, but the words came straight from her heart, and there was no stopping them. “I want to be loved by a man who makes me laugh and will comfort me when I cry, who will embrace my favorite things even if they’re weird. A man who will treasure my heart as much as I’ll cherish his, and who will love me and our kids even when we don’t love ourselves. And I want to be with that man forever, through times when life seems too difficult to go on and when we can’t stop laughing and we’re so full of hope we could burst. But above all, I want to be with a man who looks at me like your father looks at your mother, like your brothers look at Indi and Daphne, and like Grant looks at Jules. Like I’m everything he could ever want, even on my worst days. Like I rock his world and soothe his soul. I want to be the person he knows he can trust to let his guard down with and he can trust to be completely in love with him, he knows without a shadow of a doubt that it won’t matter if he loses his hair or gains fifty pounds, because what we have is so much deeper than that.” She felt something wet on her cheek and when she brushed it away, she realized it was a tear. She clamped her mouth shut and lowered her eyes, embarrassed. “Sorry for rambling.”
LEVI COULD DO little more than stare at the beautiful, passionate woman before him, and that was exactly what he saw. Either she’d lifted a veil or he’d been living behind a smokescreen. He didn’t know which had clouded his vision for so long, but he no longer saw Joey’s aunt or Amelia’s sister. He saw a woman with hopes and dreams of an incredible future, and when he imagined being part of all of that trust and love, he wanted everything she described. He yearned for it, felt the dull ache of longing, as if she’d read the pages of his autobiography that he hadn’t written yet.
He was baffled. Blown away. Dumbfounded. How could he want those things with such desperation when he’d never even thought about them before?
The answer blared through his mind. I’ve never had to think about them. They’d been living it naturally, without any manipulation. He and Tara had done most of what she’d said together with Joey many times. They’d roasted waffle cones and played silly games when they’d lost power. Joey called Tara a homework whisperer because she could help without frustrating her. The list went on and on—school projects, singing into hairbrushes, buying dresses for school events, birthday cakes, and, most importantly, inherent trust.
Holy hell…
“I must sound like a starry-eyed kid,” she said, snapping him out of his trance.
He cleared his throat, trying to shift his thoughts. “Not at all. You deserve all those things.” And maybe I do, too.
That was all he could think about as they finished their pie and stayed a little longer to listen to music before driving back to Silver Haven. Tara was quiet on the way, and that was probably a good thing, given Levi’s current state of mind. Maybe it wasn’t all in his head after all. Could it be a coincidence that she’d said all those things? Did he want it to be? Hell no. But it didn’t matter what he wanted or how attracted to her he was. Getting involved with Amelia’s sister was walking into a hornet’s nest, and he could practically hear the little buggers preparing to sting.
When they reached her parents’ house, he climbed out to open her door, trying to tamp down his desires and his questions. Every step brought a tightening to his chest, an ache of need deep inside him. He opened her door and reached for her hand, her sweet smile tugging at him as he helped her to her feet.
“Thanks for dinner and for coming with me to check out the houses. I had a lot of fun.”
“Me too. Let me know if you want to see more during the week. I can come back for an afternoon.” He didn’t want to say goodbye. He wanted to find out more of her secrets as badly as he wanted to kiss her.
“I will. Thanks again.”
She hugged him, and he returned the embrace. She smelled feminine and familiar and felt incredible in his arms, awakening all his senses, but it was his heart falling prey to that inescapable pull reeling him in. He fought against it like a shark caught on a fishing line, his mind thrashing, trying to break free, but her allure was too strong. He felt her stepping back and struggled against the urge to tighten his grip and whisper, Do you feel it, too, or am I alone in this? He reluctantly let her go.
Her beautiful, trusting eyes gazed up at him. “See you next Sunday?”
That felt like a lifetime from now. “I look forward to it.”
“Me too.”
As she headed up the walkway, desperation burned through him like wildfire. He had to know if she’d felt it, too, or if his mind was playing tricks on him. “Tara” came out urgent and heated before he could stop it.
She spun around. “Yeah?”
His own words rushed back at him. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for Joey. When it came to his daughter, the line between right and wrong had always been clearly defined by one simple rule: Don’t do anything to fuck her up. He had never wanted anything bad enough to let that line blur. Until now.
Until Tara.
Her eyes sparkled in the moonlight, and every iota of his being wanted to ask if she felt it too, but he couldn’t unleash those hornets when there was so much at stake. He lifted his chin and begrudgingly closed that door. “Have a great night.”
“You, too. Give Joey a hug for me.”
He watched her go inside, telling himself he’d done the right thing, no matter how wrong it felt.
He picked apart everything she’d said and everything he’d felt over the past week as he drove to his parents’ house, and by the time he arrived, he didn’t know which way was up. His gaze swept over his family’s sixty-acre winery and vineyard next door as he headed up to the rambling two-story with peaked roofs and a built-in gazebo anchoring one side of the wide front porch. Their grandmother, Lenore, lived in the carriage house around back. This was what Tara wanted. The safety, comfort, and love he’d grown up with and had taken for granted would always be there.
As he stepped inside, he realized he’d always thought, assumed, he’d have it one day. Until he’d gotten that text from Amelia and he’d closed that door.
It was late, and the house was quiet as he bent to untie his boots.
“I thought that was you,” his father said from the entrance to the living room at the other end of the hall. Steve Steele was thick-chested, with short salt-and-pepper hair and a neatly trimmed beard, and he was folding a flowered blanket.
“Hey, Pop. I’ll be right there.”
He left his boots by the door and went to join his father. There were toys scattered around the floor and a group of stuffed animals lined up on an armchair, tucked beneath a blanket, each with a single piece of popcorn in front of it. There was a large bowl with popcorn remnants on the coffee table, four empty glasses, a handful of crumpled napkins, and one of Joey’s baseball caps. Two more blankets were bundled together on the couch.
Levi grabbed a blanket and began folding. “Movie night with you, Mom, and Grandma?”
“Close. Your grandmother was playing bingo with her friends at the Remingtons’ tonight.” He set down the blanket and began folding the last one. “Jock wanted to do something special for Daphne, so Hadley and Joey had a slumber party. They’ve been asleep for a while. Your mother just went up to check on them and get ready for bed.”
“Joey must’ve liked that. Mom didn’t mention it when I texted earlier to say I’d be late.”
“That’s not surprising. We were pretty busy with the girls. How was house hunting?”
“Interesting. I’ll put these in the hope chest.” He reached for the blanket his father had folded, and as he put them away, he was struck by how different his home life was from Tara’s. He couldn’t imagine her mother allowing blankets to be strewn around or popcorn to be set out for stuffed animals.
His father gathered the dirty dishes and the errant pieces of popcorn. “You were out pretty late. Did Tara find a house she liked?”
“Nothing that set her world on fire.” Levi followed him into the kitchen. “Relax, Dad. I’ll rinse those.” He began washing the dishes. “Sorry I was so late. I took Tara to dinner in Seaport, at Whit’s Pub.”
His father leaned against the counter. “On the wharf? That’s a fun place, and I wasn’t complaining. I was just curious.”
“Can you believe that in all the years I’ve known Tara and how often she stays with us and watches Joey, this was the first time I’ve taken her out alone?”
His father arched a brow. “I guess that’s not so unusual. How was it?”
Eye-opening. He glanced at the man who had taught him everything he knew about what it meant to be a father, and he was thrown back to the night he’d told his parents that Amelia was pregnant. He’d been scared shitless, but not about telling them she was pregnant. He’d tried to be responsible. It wasn’t his fault the condom had broken, and he knew his parents would understand that. He’d been scared they might want him to marry Amelia, and that was something he wouldn’t have done for all the money in the world. But they hadn’t pressured him to do anything. They’d listened to what he’d had to say, and they’d run him through the wringer about what it was really like to be a parent, warning him about how his life would change, much like Leni had. But he’d been steadfast in his decision to keep the baby, and nothing would have changed his mind. They’d hugged him and told him how much they loved him and had said they’d help in every way they could. But they’d also made it clear that he would have to support his baby. He wasn’t getting a free ride through parenthood while he went out partying.
His father was watching him expectantly, and he realized he hadn’t answered him. “It was interesting.”
“That’s a lot of interesting for one day.”
His father wasn’t the type to pry into his kids’ lives. He didn’t have to. Levi could practically hear his unsaid offer to talk about it. He trusted his father, and he wanted his advice, but Amelia’s pregnancy had changed their family’s relationship with the Ostens, and he didn’t want to upend that situation again. He placed the last of the dishes in the dishwasher, and as he dried his hands on a dish towel, he tried to fly under his father’s radar. “It sure was. Mom said something last weekend that got me thinking about the future. Do you have a minute, or is Mom waiting for you?”
“She’s probably knee-deep in a novel by now. I have all the time you need.”
Levi leaned against the island, facing him. “You know dating hasn’t been on my radar since I found out Amelia was pregnant.”
“Yes, that’s what you’ve said.”
“Well, I’m wondering if it’s time to start thinking about it, or if you think it’ll be too disruptive for Joey.”
“I guess that depends. I don’t recommend bringing a stream of ladies you’re not serious about into her life.”
“You know I’d never do that. I’m not looking for hookups, Dad. I’m so far past that, sometimes I feel like I just turned fifty instead of twenty-nine.”
His father nodded. “Parenting does that to you, and I’d imagine as a single parent it’s twice as exhausting. But you’re a responsible guy, Levi. When Joey came along, life kicked the hell out of you, and you always got up without ever complaining. You’ve put Joey first and set your own needs aside for a long time.”
“That’s what parents do. You taught me that.”
“Not all parents, but I’m glad you have. You’re Joey’s white knight, son, and you always will be. You know what’s right for your daughter, and you don’t need my, or anyone else’s, permission to date. But you had a crash course in figuring out who you were going to be for Joey, and while you aced it, you’ve never had the chance to figure out who you were for yourself. To play the field, or cut loose and have a fling, or fall in love.”
“I don’t regret raising Joey.”
“I know you don’t, and we couldn’t be prouder of you. You’ve gone above and beyond as her father. A lot of men would have pushed Amelia out of Joey’s life for the way she treats her like an afterthought. But you have tried to keep those lines of communication open for the good of your daughter, and I know that can’t be easy.”
“Nothing about parenting is easy, except loving your kid. I can’t imagine it’s easy for a little girl to grow up without a mom. That’s why I try not to let my feelings toward Amelia get in the way of her and Joey’s relationship. I don’t want Joey growing up with abandonment issues because of her mother.” That was the sole reason, despite the cold manner in which Amelia had delivered the news of her pregnancy, Levi had hoped she’d want to be involved in Joey’s life. But Amelia had made no effort toward Joey for the first three years, seeing her only when their paths crossed on the island. Even then, there hadn’t been any intentional visits. She’d seen them around town and had remarked about how cute Joey was, but her tone had made it clear that she had better places to be. It wasn’t until Joey was four or five, and could communicate more effectively, or as Amelia had so rudely put it, had finally become a person, that she’d begun to take more of an interest in her. She’d started sending birthday gifts and holiday cards and had called to speak with Joey a few times a year. Levi had invited her to birthday parties and school events, but she was usually too busy traveling for her job to show up. She’d made a name for herself, and a few years ago, her Girl’s Guide to Traveling had hit every bestseller list out there for several weeks. Amelia was like a distant aunt to Joey, and on the rare occasions she had shown up, Joey had been thrilled to see her. As much as Levi hated Amelia’s priorities, he knew that connection was important for his daughter.
“I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing where Amelia is concerned. She was honest from the start about not wanting to be a mother. But I’ve got to believe that on a close-knit island like this, some contact is better than none, especially since Tara and her parents are involved in Joey’s life.”
“I think you’re doing the right thing. You’re doing all you can, and Joey has a lot of women in her life who adore her. Hopefully that will ward off any issues.” His father’s expression softened. “But your child cannot be your whole world, Levi, or all of that helping will turn into smothering. I can’t tell you what you should do about your personal life, but as your father, I hope you won’t miss out on dating and falling in love, because no matter how much you love Joey, trust me when I tell you there’s a space inside you that she can’t fill.”
He’d never let himself think about that before Archer’s comment had slapped him upside his head. “I’m starting to realize that.”
“Good. It’s about time. I know it seems like you have forever to think about yourself. But time goes quickly, son. It won’t be long before Joey’s social calendar fills up with school dances and dates. You’ll be surprised at how often you’re sitting home alone at night waiting for her. It might be nice if you had someone to share that time with.” His father paused, no doubt letting that sink in. “Have you been feeling lonely lately?”
“Not really, but I think I know why I’m not.”
“Care to enlighten me?”
His father had been standing next to Archer when his brother had made the comment about making a move on Tara, and he had quickly excused himself. Levi hadn’t been sure how to take his quick exit, and because of that he was careful not to mention Tara.
“Your eyebrows are twitching, son. Stop overthinking and spit it out,” his father said, pulling him from his thoughts.
“Joey and I have a close friend, and when she’s around, she makes everything better. But she’s got a busy life of her own, and I recently realized that when she’s not around, I haven’t been looking for someone to fill that gap, and I don’t think Joey has, either.”
“Is this friend someone you’ve been romantically involved with?”
Levi shook his head. “No. I haven’t even thought about it until recently.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I know why it is. I put blinders on when Joey was born, and I’ve never taken them off. I didn’t want to get caught up in anyone or anything that could derail us. Then someone took a cheap shot and knocked those blinders off, causing a tidal wave of thoughts and emotions I hadn’t known existed.”
“I know that feeling well. The moment I set eyes on your mother, I was a goner.”
“I never said I was a goner. I’m not even sure I can afford to take the risk to find out if she feels the same way. Her relationship with Joey is more important than my own selfish desires.”
His father clapped a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head. “And here I thought you were going to stop putting yourself last. Only you can decide which way to go, but in my experience, if what you’re feeling is the real thing, you won’t be able to put those blinders back on.”