‘Just one thing, Dick,’ Tony says, making it sound like a body part, rather than a name, ‘I’ve been to Aberystwyth, been doing a little investigation of my own.’
Richard is still holding him by his leather jacket, about to hurl him through the door, but he stops.
Tony continues. ‘Was just about to tell Kat all about it… Spoke to some of Amy’s flatmates. They say you were round there all the time. In and out of her room, turning up late at night, creeping out first thing in the morning. And all the time you thought you were getting away with it.’
Richard’s trying to push him with even more force now, and Tony’s looking back at me.
‘Don’t worry, Kat,’ he says, pushing back against Richard. ‘I’ve told the police everything. He’s going down.’ He turns back to Richard. ‘And when you do, I’ll make sure my mates in prison make you pay for what you did to my little girl, you filthy, vile BASTARD,’ he yells, as Richard finally manages to force him out and slams the door hard.
‘Christ,’ Richard says, turning round and walking back up the hall towards me. ‘He is evil, so bloody evil.’
He comes to me, his arms outstretched for a congratulatory hug, expecting a heroine’s thank you for saving her from the bad man. But that isn’t how I feel. Doubts are beginning to take root.
‘What was he talking about, Richard?’ I’m trying to assimilate the words I just heard.
‘That idiot? He was talking rubbish, laying his poison, like he always did.’
‘But he’s spoken to Amy’s flatmates. They all said that you visited late at night… creeping out in the morning. What was that about?’
‘It wasn’t anything.’ His eyes are laughing, his arms outstretched. He has this incredulous look on his face, like he had in court when Tony denied hurting me all those years ago.
‘I don’t like this, Richard.’
‘Neither do I, but you know what he’s like – a proven liar. Jesus, Kat he even lied in court, tried to say that it wasn’t him who gave you the black eye, that he never touched you. He’s a liar.’
‘I think you might be the liar, Richard,’ I say.
By the expression on his face, it’s clear he can’t believe I’d think this, but I can’t help how I feel, and right now I feel uneasy.
‘But we’ve talked about this,’ he looks anxious, nervy.
‘Yes, and I naively accepted your outright denial.’
‘You don’t believe that. You know me, Kat.’
‘I’ve heard other things too. Jodie said you’ve behaved inappropriately. She said—’
‘Jodie? I can’t believe this. She’s an attention seeking—’
‘Oh, give it a rest, Richard. Stop trying to point the finger at someone else. I’m sure it works in court, but it won’t work with me – not this time.’
‘How can you even…?’ For once he’s lost for words.
‘I don’t know anything anymore. You’re used to playing a role in court, Richard, and I don’t know what to believe, or how I feel.’
And as he stands there, looking at me in absolute shock, I finally face the fact that Jodie might not have misinterpreted his actions, because it ties in with what Amy’s flatmates saw – and they can’t all be wrong. What other reason could there possibly be for Richard’s nocturnal visits, for him keeping secrets from me?
As hard as I try to think it through, the same question keeps hitting me in the face. Has Richard been abusing Amy? He might have been doing it for years, here in the home I created to protect her. Has he continued this since she went to university? Is that why she wanted to move so far away?
I find it impossible to believe, but I’ve written magazine articles about women who’ve been through this: intelligent, aware mothers who marry a man who wants them for one thing – their children. And having talked to some of these women, it’s clear these men are so clever, the mothers are usually the last to know.
‘Kat, you’re going through a terrible time, and I realise you’re probably confused, desperate. You just want to find Amy and I do too – but this is crazy. Thinking this of me isn’t helpful; it will just destroy you – and me – which is exactly what Tony wants, he’s probably paid those kids to say they saw me at Amy’s room.’
‘I’m sorry, Richard, I’m confused. I know you’re right about Tony, but he isn’t the only one who’s suggested…’ The horror on his face stops me from saying any more. ‘Look, I’m not accusing you of anything, but I can’t stay here with you until I know for sure what’s been going on. I’m going to pack some things and—’
‘No. No. This is your home. It’s the place Amy will come back home to and when she does she will tell you the truth. I’ll go.’ He has tears in his eyes, and so do I, but I have no choice.
He looks at me, waiting for me to say something – but I have nothing to say. Is he my husband or is he a stranger? After a few seconds he leaves the room. A little later, I hear him close the front door behind him. And for the first time ever, I am truly alone in the home I have shared for the last fifteen years with my family. A home I thought would keep us safe, but what if the danger had been inside these walls all along? I imagined this house was strong, secure, but today Tony brought darkness into my home, a reminder of a horrible past, a time when I was driven mad by fear of losing my only child. I did some things back then that I’m not proud of and a part of me wonders if there’s such a thing as karma. I was so desperate to escape Tony, to find salvation, I fell into Richard’s arms. I trusted him with my life and that of my child’s. But given my track record with men, perhaps my instinct with partners is far weaker than my maternal instinct. Perhaps I didn’t protect my child after all?
I’d prayed when she was two years old that she’d survive to go to primary school, then that she’d attend high school, go to her prom. I was so desperate to have my baby for longer, that I’d have sold my soul for fifteen more years – and in a way I did. Perhaps I got greedy, I wanted her forever, I wanted her to myself and I did everything I could to make sure that happened. That’s why I did what I did, why I said what I said. Perhaps I didn’t deserve to keep her, because I was dishonest, I told lies, but Amy was so precious. Was that so wrong? Did it make me a bad person or just a desperate mother doing everything I could to protect my child?
Now I’m doubting Richard, and wondering if I missed something I shouldn’t have. No one is the perfect parent, we all do things we regret, say things to our kids that perhaps we shouldn’t, but in seeking a better future, a better family life, did I overlook something? Did I miss what was staring me in the face? That Richard isn’t who I thought he was? Had I kept Amy safe from her father on the outside while trapping her inside with someone even more dangerous – her stepfather?