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“No, Killian!” She pleaded.
He dismounted and pulled her from atop the horse as she tried to prevent him from accomplishing it. He capably lifted her as though she were a small child. He half dragged, half carried her toward the churchyard, for she had begun to fight him in earnest.
“No Killian!” she repeated over and over as she fought and clawed at him.
“You must face this, Alainn! You can no longer go on pretendin’ as if it did not happen!”
He finally picked her up and carried her to the place where the small mound was located. A tiny Celtic cross carved in stone adorned the grave. Alainn glanced at it and saw there were many dried wild flowers placed upon it as well. She noted the name and the date. She refused to look any longer and turned away, tightly closing her eyes as her heard pounded in her chest.
“Killian, take me away from this place; I cannot bear it!”
“Aye, you can, and you must!” he said in a firm tone.
He turned her once more to face the petite grave and held her so she could not turn away.
She glanced down and saw the snow covered mound and she envisioned the wee child as he’d been when she’d held him in her arms. She allowed herself to remember his face, his eyes, his delicate skin, and his soft scent. She began to tremble.
“Please, Killian, if you love me now, if you ever loved me, you will not force this upon me.”
“’Tis because I love you I must do this, Alainn.” She heard the tears in his deep voice.
“I cannot bear it, Killian. It shall kill me; I well know it.”
“No, Alainn, it will not, for we will endure it together and lean on one another. For the first time since we lost our dear wee babe, we will face it together and we’ll no longer pretend he did not exist, for he did. He may have only lived but moments, but he did live, and he was a part of us, of you and of me, created of our deep and mutual love.”
Alainn dared to look up and saw the tears streaming down his handsome face as he spoke on.
“A part of each of us surely died with him that day, with our wee Cian, but not all of us, Alainn. We are alive, and we must feel this, we must endure the agonizing grief and loss, the pain and the guilt... all of it before we can hope to go on and move forward.”
She felt her very heart being ripped from her chest as she listened to his solemn words and remembered that day and their baby... the day of his birth and his death. She recalled how he had felt in her arms, how soft and sweet. She remembered the overpowering sensation of maternal love, and recalled the utter devastation she had felt in knowing he would not live, and soon she felt the long suppressed tears beginning to fall down her cheeks. The tears steadily poured from her eyes and the deep sobs began.
She wept for the life Cian would never be allowed to live, for Killian’s sorrow, and for her own. And she wept for the crippling guilt she felt in the part she believed she had played in his death.
She slowly crumpled to the ground upon the grave and screamed out a chain of long pain-filled torturous wails that broke the stillness of the cold air. Each tormented scream Alainn emitted pierced his heart and shattered his soul. And, for a moment’s time, Killian wondered if he had forced her over the edge to madness, for he remembered it was not so long ago he believed she would never come back to him from the dark place she had been. When her screams finally died, he listened to her sob again uncontrollably for a long while. She now lay upon the tiny grave and he dropped to his knees on the ground beside her and held firmly to her so she would know she was no longer alone in her deep misery.
Killian sensed Danhoul was nearby and when he looked up he saw him standing near the gatepost to the graveyard. Their eyes met and Danhoul nodded respectfully to Killian and walked away.
Killian finally lifted her to stand for he saw how severely she shivered from the cold, but now she fought him because she did not want to leave this place. She lovingly clutched the tiny cross and stared up at Killian with unimaginable pain in her eyes. He gently took her hands from the cross and then lifted her into his arms. There was another location they must go together and one that would probably bring nearly as much pain for both of them. He carried her all the way to their bedchamber and then into the adjoining room.
No fire burned in the hearth and she looked around at the room as the tears continued to slide down her cheeks. Her eyes were red and swollen and tender, her cheeks stung, but she no longer sobbed for she had little voice left.
She gazed at the pictures she’d painted on the walls, the quilts she’d made, the precious cradle and the beloved harp. She had not played music or sang since that day. As she looked at the room that had once held such promise of a life they had expected would fill their own lives with joy, her heart was consumed with an inconsolable ache. As she stared up at Killian with obvious torment, she knew he would have given anything to be able to take away her pain. She sensed there were words that must be spoken now, words that would wound them even further. Killian firmly held her shoulders so he could look down into her sorrowful eyes as he spoke.
“I did blame you, Alainn. I bear much shame in admitting it, but for a long while I blamed you for Cian’s death; even knowing if you hadn’t done what you did I would not be here to live this life with you. And it took me a very long while to come to terms with that.”
They stared into each other’s eyes and saw the mirrored sadness, the matched sorrow as he continued to speak.
“But I was to blame as well, for I could not turn my back on my kin that day, no more than you could turn your back on me. I should have stayed with you that day; I know that now! You fairly begged me to not go into battle but to stay there with you, and I could not! And so we both paid an insufferable price. But I would not trade the love I feel for you for anything, Alainn, and I need you to know I forgive you for whatever you might have done that maybe led to the loss of our son. But you must tell me you forgive me as well.”
His always strong voice broke at these words as the tears steadily streamed down his face, and his intense green eyes held a desperation within them. He gently touched her cheek and held her hand as he continued to speak.
“Tell me you don’t regret savin’ my life; that you still want to spend the rest of our lives together, for without you I can’t go on, Alainn. I don’t care to go on without you. These past weeks living apart from you have been torturous. You must tell me what’s in your heart, Alainn!”
Her voice was barely a raspy whisper when she answered, but she squeezed his large strong hands and held tight as she replied. “I do not blame you, Killian. I have never blamed you. You must be assured, I love you more than I could ever begin to tell or show you. I could not bear to live if you were not in my life, and that is why when I had the reoccurring vision and then the telling dream... when I saw you dead, I knew I had to save you that day. “Tis true, I believed our son might be at risk, but I thought I would be in danger as well. I thought if he died then I would surely die as well, and if you had met your death that day I would have wanted to die at any rate.”
Her weak voice filled with deep emotion grew quieter still as she related her heart to him.
“Even knowing the deep pain that I feel now, even knowing how greatly my actions have hurt you, I could not bear to live without you, Killian. You are my life! Always you have been my life! And, truly, I bear you no blame in any part of this so how might I forgive you when you have not wronged me in no way? For if you’d stayed with me, if you’d watched your kin go into battle to be killed, your clan destroyed, you would never have been able to live with yourself as a man. I recognize that. You would have resented me and perhaps our son as well, and that may have been a fate worse than what we now face.”
He pulled her to him, held her tightly in his arms and she wrapped her arms around his neck in such desperation, he lifted her to him. She leaned her head against his chest and her tears fell silently now, trailing softly down her cheeks and onto his tunic.
“I need you, Killian. I need you to hold me and to love me, to take away this deep chill I feel within my heart!”
“I need you, as well, Lainna!”
He’d not referred to her by that endearing name in months and it warmed her heart merely by the way he spoke the fond name he’d given her so many years before.
“Make love to me, Killian, my husband... my only love,” she softly whispered.
He carried her to their bed, the bed they had not shared since before their life had been so drastically and fatefully changed. Gently they caressed one another; tenderly they loved one another, and their hearts began the long difficult journey toward healing... together.
As they lie together unclothed beneath the bedcovers, their bodies still entwined after their tender lovemaking, their hands clasped, she believed she finally felt warm for the first time in months. She felt comforted with her head against his chest and the reassuring sound of his strong and steady heartbeat beneath her ear. She lifted her head, needing to ask him a question.
“Why did you not believe her, Killian?” she asked as she stared into his face.
Killian appeared to be half asleep, but her question must have startled him for he moved and stared into her eyes. He clearly knew of what she spoke. He met her eyes with sincerity.
“Believe Ciara’s absurd accusations? She’s not to be trusted, I see that now, and sure I have always known it, Alainn. I thought keeping her nearby might ensure I could protect you from any further wrongdoing she might attempt. I believed if I kept her here, made her think I no longer cared for you she might be disinclined to do you any harm. But when she claimed you had purposely taken a damnable potion that would endanger our son, I swear I wanted to brutally end her life then and there. I truly could condone her being here no longer!”
Alainn simply nodded as she lay her head on his chest once more.
“I know very well what our child meant to you, Alainn, and how much you were lookin’ forward to bein’ a mother with such joy and anticipation. That was all your life had become. You barely worked your magic, and your potions, turned your back on your remedies and your herbs and became entirely intent on just the child. And in the back of my mind it nagged at me for I worried long ago of what might happen to you if somethin’ tragic befell the wee babe.”
Alainn appreciated his need to defend her, but knew she must explain further.
“In truth, I did prepare such a potion that day, and Ciara truly did see me procuring the herbs needed for the very potion she spoke of. It was not to end a pregnancy, but to prevent one.”
Killian appeared deep in thought and he gently caressed her shoulder as he spoke. “’Twas for Mary then?”
“Aye, but how did you know; are you developing the gift of second sight then, Killian?” she dared to smile up at him as she spoke.
“No, but I know things are not as they should be between them. Riley seems intent on havin’ every woman he can lay his hands on. Now he’s been with Ciara as well. By Mary’s reaction, she seems less than pleased to carry the child, and I well know how she seems to care for Conner. ’Tis an undesirable situation all round, I’d wager!”
“Aye, their marriage is not a happy one, Killian.”
She stopped speaking mid-sentence and her lip quivered as she resumed speaking. “I was ever fearful you and I would never get back what we once shared. I thought...”
He hushed her fears by placing a soft and tender kiss upon her lips and holding her closer to him. “I knew one day our love would prevail over any adversity. I had faith in our love when nothin’ else seemed to be right in our world.” Killian softly caressed her hair as he spoke.
“Promise me something, Killian!” she asked as moved to rest her elbows on his chest and look directly into his green eyes that drew her gaze and held her heart.
“Aye, I will promise you anything I am able, Lainna.”
“I know we have a long arduous path ahead of us in order to come to terms with our deep loss, and I am also well aware I must allow myself to feel the pain I have diligently attempted to keep within for so long now. But, Killian, you must assure me, no matter what happens in our lives, from this day forward, no matter what grim or unkind tragedy should perhaps befall us; please don’t turn away from me again. For I tell you that scarred my heart as much as any other grief I shall ever face.”
“Alainn, I know I left you alone to deal with this intolerable loss, and I am gravely sorrowful for it and ashamed as well. I couldn’t deal with how great a pain I felt and I had no notion how to console you. And a part of me felt so damn guilty that you were made to save me, to save all of us. I felt I was of little good to you.”
“And my mother told you I would feel your pain as well.”
“Aye, she did, but though it may sound noble that I didn’t allow myself to be near you for fear you’d feel my pain, it was because I knew how deeply you hurt that I kept my distance. In truth, I could not bear to see you hurting so terribly. And I know how wrong it was, and aye, Alainn, I’ll solemnly promise to never allow anything to come between us for these past months without you have been as near to hell on earth as a man could get! And I need you to vow the same to me, Alainn. Tell me you’ll not leave me out of your life, the joy or the sufferin’ for we made those promises months ago before our kin and our family and God. Now we’ll swear it once more, with God as our witness!”
“I swear it, Killian, for I need you now, and I shall always need you!”
“Then we’ll be capable of surviving whatever fate has in store for us, Lainna! I know it well!”
Her eyes filled with seriousness once more as she cleared her throat and nervously spoke.
“But for one possibility, Killian. If there are to be no other children for us, if Mara and Eibhein are correct and I shall carry no more children then I know you’ll need an heir. I intend to learn if Kale is your child for we must discern the truth of it. If he is not, although I’m not certain how I might contend with letting you go, I will not hold you to this marriage if I cannot bear your child... if our wee Cian is the only child I shall ever carry...”
“I’ll tell you plain, I believe with all my heart there will be other children for us, Alainn! Think no longer on this, Lainna. For now, we will think only on our son, and we will meet the pain together.”
He held her close as she wept, and he wept with her. He suspected there would be an immeasurable amount of tears to fall in the days ahead.
