Mrs. Robin watches her carefully. Something was on her mind. She will tell her once she makes up her mind to.
“I love Michael. I am in love with him and he me.”
“That is good, right?”
“Yes but for… I am scared. He says he understands. But I fear he won't as time goes by.”
“About your past? Do your fears have to do with sex?”
“No. We are waiting. He insisted. Said I wasn't ready. My body but not my mind...”
“Good.”
“It is- I don't wish to have children or raise them. I fear messing a child up like my parents did me. I just feel on the verge of a panic attack whenever I think of it.”
“Okay. Deep breath Chloé. It isn’t required, you know. Women don't have to be mothers. A lot of people with past abuse decide not to be parents.”
“Michael wants them though. I know he does. He says it is okay. We are enough. But I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I don’t want him regretting us. Regretting choosing me.”
“Do you trust what he is telling you? Trust that he really feels you are enough?”
“Yes. But the disappointment?”
“People can make decisions, decisions that they really know are for the best and still feel a spot of disappointment in what could have been. Without regretting the decision they made. Chloé, I have seen how he looks at you. He adores you. You are enough. Truly. He would never pressure you into a life changing decision that you are this uncomfortable with. If you don’t change your mind, he will still want you. Still love you. I can't see him regretting nothing.”
“Then I shouldn't feel guilty?”
“Not at all. You are allowed to say, I simply cannot handle parenthood. Allowed to set boundaries that allow you to live your life in relative peace.”
“Thank you. Oh God. I don’t know how to just be Chloé. Not my dad's or my exes, or even Michael's. I am always trying to be who everyone else expects me to be. I just want to be me. If I can even find her.”
“You are. By telling him and me, yourself, that you can’t parent, going against societal expectations, you are finding her. You will find her more with every such declaration.”
She feels a weight being lifted. The weight of being anyone other than herself. Cleansing tears start to fall.