Karen was sitting on the couch as Paul unpacked some of his clothes and hung them back in their closet. Though her back and hips were still aching, she was happy. She was happy to be back in her old apartment, the place she had considered home for the past several years. She was happy that Paul was moving back in. She was happy to see what the rest of her life would be like with him and with their child. She had never thought she’d experience a moment like this, but she was glad for it and couldn’t imagine it being any different.
Karen shifted on the couch a little to ease the ache in her lower back and heard a plainly audible pop. This was followed by the feeling of warm liquid filling her underwear, soaking her pants, and even through to the couch. She looked down to see that she was sitting in a huge puddle of liquid, and she knew her water had broken. Her heart started to beat faster and she began to sweat. She screamed, “Paul!” He ran into the room and she said, “We have to get to the hospital. This shit is happening.”
Paul had been briefed by Karen’s parents on the proper procedure for a smooth trip to the hospital and eventual delivery of the baby. Paul said, “Okay. Okay. Fuck. I’ll get the bag of shit, and you—no, not you, I’ll call your parents, too. You get . . . you get nothing. Just do what you need to do to get ready. Okay. Seriously. I’ll get the shit, call the parents, and get the car running. Do you need help or anything? What’s going on? Jesus fucking Christ.”
Karen said, “Yeah. You get the bag, call the parents, and then wait for me. I’m going to change my pants because these are soaked. We might also need a new couch after this. And then maybe help me out to the car. Oh, shit, and call my doctor.”
Paul said, “Okay,” and proceeded to make the necessary phone calls as Karen went into the bathroom to clean up. As she walked, she could feel liquid leaking out of her vagina with every step. Even after taking her pants off, sitting in a tub for a few minutes, and putting on a new pair of pants, fluid was still trickling down her legs. After grabbing a bathroom towel, she had Paul help her out to the car, which he already had running and loaded with toiletries, clean clothes, baby outfits and other items they would need during the hospital stay. Then, once he was in the car, he laid the towel on the passenger’s seat and Karen got in.
As Paul pulled out of the driveway, Karen looked at their apartment. She knew the next time they came to this place, to their home, they would not be alone. That phase of her life was over, and the realization scared her. She couldn’t help wondering what her life would be like in that moment if none of this had happened, if she hadn’t skipped a pill, if she had never gotten pregnant. She wondered what other dissertation she might have concocted. She’d still be in school working on it. She and Paul would have very likely never separated. She certainly wouldn’t be on her way to the hospital to give birth to a child. And the world would have never known about her. For a moment she wondered whether that would have been preferable to the life she was about to lead. But then she let the matter drop. She didn’t see the point in comparison.
Once they arrived at the hospital, Paul double-parked and helped Karen into the lobby. He stayed with her while she checked in and waited until a nurse brought out a wheelchair. Then Paul went out to deal with the car while the nurse helped Karen into the wheelchair and then started wheeling her back into the labor and delivery area of the hospital.
As she was sitting in the chair, Karen could still feel some fluid leaking out into her pants. She could also feel some of her first contractions. They weren’t painful, but they were hardly comfortable. Karen could feel the muscles at the top of her stomach get very hard for a few seconds, then let up. It was almost like the onset of a muscle cramp, but not quite. She could understand how this would eventually become increasingly painful.
Once Karen was wheeled into her room, the nurse helped her into a hospital gown and told Karen that she could leave her socks on if she preferred to. Karen hadn’t given it much thought, but decided to leave them on, thinking that there was no point in suffering cold feet along with all the other agony she was about to endure. This nurse helped Karen up into the hospital bed and told her that another nurse would be in shortly, as well as the doctor who would be overseeing the delivery of her baby. Karen said, “Did you call Dr. Kang, my doctor?” The nurse explained that Dr. Kang had been notified, but it was unlikely she’d be able to make it. The nurse assured Karen that this was all normal protocol, and the doctors who were on duty at the hospital had delivered thousands of babies and were more than qualified to deliver hers.
The nurse then inserted an IV into the back of Karen’s hand. Karen was told that this IV would deliver necessary replenishing fluids, which she was certain to lose a lot of during the birth, as well as antibiotics for group B strep. Then the nurse said, “Okay, now I’m going to have to do a little check to see how dilated you are.”
Religion was important. It was the only thing that gave people a reason to live. It was the only thing that gave people an idea that something might exist after this life. And helping people in this life was the surest way to get a good spot in the next one. Science had its place in making the lives of people on Earth better, but beyond that there wasn’t much point in it. Space exploration was a waste of time and money. Sex was something that people outside of marriage could engage in, but it was much better if it was between a husband and wife, because it meant more. Having a child was one of the most important things a person could do, if not the most important. Not only was it important on a concrete level to continue the species, but it was also deeply fulfilling on a personal level. Helping people to bring new lives into the world was almost as fulfilling. These were things that the nurse understood to be true.
The nurse put on a rubber glove and squirted some lubricant on her fingers, rubbing it over as much of her hand as she could. She said, “Okay, spread your legs a little, and let’s see how close your— Do you know the sex?”
Karen said, “She’s a girl.”
The nurse said, “Okay, let’s see how close your daughter is to coming out and saying hello.”
Karen tried to remain still as the nurse inserted what felt like her entire hand into Karen’s vagina. The pain was intense and sharp. The stretching of the skin was like nothing she’d ever experienced. It felt as though it might rip, but it didn’t. The pain was made more intense as the nurse forced her hand deeper into Karen’s vagina. She could feel pressure from the baby moving down toward her vagina, and pressure from the nurse’s hand moving up into it. She tried to breathe and think of something else. The nurse removed her hand, giving Karen immediate relief, and said, “You’re at a five, which is coming along pretty well. We want to get you to about a ten, and then you start pushing, and with any luck, that’ll be all we have to do.”
Paul came in the room and said, “Hey, your parents are here. Do you want them to come in or wait in the waiting room?”
Karen said, “I guess they can come in if they want.”
Paul said, “Okay,” and went back out in the lobby to get them.
The nurse brought out several large pads and helped Karen position herself so that they could be placed under her lower back, buttocks, and vagina. Karen said, “What’re the pads for?”
The nurse said, “Childbirth is pretty messy. We like to try to keep things as neat as possible. Makes it easier on everyone. I’ll probably be changing these out a few times during the delivery, too.”
A doctor came into the room. He said, “Hello, I’m Dr. Gibson. I’m going to be delivering your baby today. How are we doing?”
There was certainly no God. Humanity was the result of random particles coming together in exactly the right way to form life that evolved over millions and millions of years. There was no greater meaning or purpose to anything. Science was the best way to know everything about existence and our place in it. Medicine, specifically, was one of the best ways to know everything about humanity. The need for sex was a basic primal instinct, and one that still served our population very well, and it had nothing to do with love. That was a great misconception. Eventually there would be no need for sexual procreation, and our drive to seek out sexual interaction would evolve away. Until that time, babies needed to be brought into the world safely. These were things that Dr. Gibson understood to be true.
The nurse said, “She’s at a five, and everything looks normal.”
Dr. Gibson said, “Great. You feeling okay?”
Karen said, “A little nervous, but other than that, yeah. I’m okay.”
Dr. Gibson said, “This your first?”
Karen said, “Yeah.”
Dr. Gibson said, “You have nothing to worry about. We’re going to take good care of you and your baby. Is anyone else coming into the delivery room for you, or . . . ?”
Karen said, “Oh, yeah. My parents and my, uh, boyfriend are coming in right now.”
Dr. Gibson said, “Okay, okay, perfect. New boyfriend or old boyfriend—like, father-of-the-baby boyfriend? Sorry if I’m prying, I just followed your story pretty closely. I guess you could say I’m kind of a fan. Sorry.”
Karen couldn’t help smiling. She said, “No need to apologize. He’s my old boyfriend, and we’re back together. He is the father.”
Dr. Gibson said, “Okay. Great. Great. Anyway, I’ll be back in a little bit once things really start moving. But everything looks great so far.” Then Dr. Gibson left.
The nurse said, “He really did follow your whole story. We all did, really. Anyway.”
Paul, Robert, and Lynn came in the room together. Lynn said, “Oh my God. I can’t believe this is actually happening. Oh, Jesus. Robert, can you believe this?”
Robert said, “It’s something. That’s for sure. Do you want us in here, honey?”
Karen said, “Of course. If you guys want to be in here, I totally want you in here.”
Lynn moved over to Karen and hugged her. She said, “I know this has been insane, but I’m so happy this worked out like this and Paul is here. It’s just perfect.”
Karen said, “It’s not really perfect. It’s already starting to hurt pretty fucking bad, and I imagine it gets worse. So not perfect at all.”
Lynn said, “Are you going to have an epidural?”
Karen said, “As soon as it’s available. My back is fucking killing me.”
The nurse said, “If you can move from side to side a little bit, that can sometimes help.”
Karen started moving back and forth as she gripped her mother and Paul for stability. She said, “Not really helping much. I’m also dying of thirst and I’m hot. Sorry to be complaining so much.”
The nurse laughed and said, “I think you’re going to be complaining a lot more. I’ll get you some water and some ice.”
For the next few hours, Karen ate ice, drank water, and rocked back and forth while her parents and Paul tried to soothe her as best they could. The contractions were coming much closer together, and they were much more painful than they had been in the beginning. Karen’s hair was matted to her forehead with sweat, and the pain was so bad that that she had begun gritting her teeth with each successive contraction. Seeing the obvious signs of labor, the nurse said, “I think it might be time to deliver this baby. Let me just do one more check.”
She lubricated her hand and slid it back into Karen’s vagina. The pain was much more intense than the first check, and Karen screamed. The nurse said, “I know. I know it hurts, but we need to see if you’re ready. And it looks like you are.” The nurse removed her hand from Karen’s vagina and said, “Let me get Dr. Gibson.”
A minute later Dr. Gibson entered the room and said, “Okay, you ready to do this?”
Karen said, “I want an epidural.”
Dr. Gibson said, “Are you sure?”
Karen said, “Abso-fucking-lutely.”
Dr. Gibson told the nurse to get the anesthesiologist. Karen could feel the baby’s head descending, putting an almost unbearable amount of pressure on her vagina and anus. She started breathing through her gritted teeth, emitting an audible hiss as spit trickled out of the corners of her mouth. She said, “I need those fucking drugs right fucking now.”
Another contraction made her entire body tense up as the anesthesiologist entered the room and told her that she’d have to sit up and relax her back so the needle could be correctly inserted into her spine. Paul and Lynn helped prop her up and Karen felt a cool liquid on her lower back where the anesthesiologist was sterilizing the injection point. Without warning, Karen felt a sharp stabbing pain in her spine as she was told not to move, and then it was over. She lay back down on the bed and Dr. Gibson said, “Okay, you should be pretty numb from the waist down within a minute or so, but hopefully you’ll still be able to feel the contractions. On the next one, I want you to start pushing when you feel it coming on, all right? And if you can’t feel them, that’s fine. Nothing to worry about. It just means the epidural worked a little too well, and I’ll have to tell you when to push.”
Karen nodded in agreement, still holding on to Paul and Lynn with all her strength as Robert stood in a corner watching. He was in the room when Lynn gave birth to Karen, and he realized he had forgotten how gruesome a scene childbirth could be.
As the drugs started to take effect, Karen was both relieved and scared. Her legs felt paralyzed. She knew this effect was temporary, but losing the ability to move didn’t exactly put her at ease. She could definitely feel her next contraction, but it was an ambiguous feeling—not necessarily painful, just kind of unpleasant. So she pushed, and as she did, she defecated all over herself and the table. The smell of feces was strong and immediate. She was embarrassed, and she felt like vomiting, but the trauma she was suffering during childbirth was more immediate to her than the need to feel any shame or even disgust.
She said, “Sorry, guys.”
Dr. Gibson said, “No need to apologize. This is very common when you’re trying to pass a baby through your body.”
The nurse was already changing the pads under Karen and wiping her down. Even after the cleaning, the smell of feces remained throughout the rest of the event.
With the next contraction, Karen pushed even harder. She wanted this entire thing to be over with as soon as possible. The physical and psychological trauma was more profound than she had ever anticipated. She wondered how the human race survived after the invention of birth control. Had she known how painful the act of giving birth was, she never would have decided to keep the baby.
After two hours of pushing with every contraction, defecating all over herself one more time, urinating on herself, bleeding from her vagina, and sweating, the baby was still not born. Dr. Gibson said, “Okay, I think the epidural may have limited your ability to push with enough force to get her out. So we’re going to give you a little help.”
Another nurse came in with a small device that looked like a suction cup with a vacuum attached to it. Dr. Gibson said, “Every time you push, I’m going to use this to pull, all right?”
Karen nodded in agreement. For the next two contractions, they attempted this method of joint effort, but the baby still would not emerge. Dr. Gibson said, “Well she’s certainly got a big brain, because her head just does not want to come out. So we’re going to make the opening a little larger.”
Karen said, “Sorry, what? How?”
Dr. Gibson said, “Just a tiny cut right at the back of the vagina. You won’t feel it at all because of the epidural, and the baby should come right out. We’re almost there. I promise.”
Karen said, “Are you fucking serious? You’re going to cut my vagina?”
Dr. Gibson said, “It’s an episiotomy, yes. It’s pretty standard procedure when we’re at this point but the baby still isn’t coming out. We don’t have to do it, but I’ve delivered a few babies, and I can tell from our situation, here, that if we don’t do it, your vagina is likely to rip anyway.”
Karen wanted to vomit again. She was sitting on a table covered in her own urine, blood, and feces, in alternating states of agonizing pain and discomfort, and now she had to have her vagina surgically altered. She knew she had no choice, though, and she wanted the process to be over, so she nodded in agreement. She saw her father look away as Dr. Gibson cut her vagina, and she felt Paul’s grip on one of her hands weaken as he looked down and saw blood rushing out of her vagina where the incision was made. He staggered and turned white. Dr. Gibson said, “If you need to sit down, there’s a chair behind you.”
Paul looked away from the blood-soaked pad under Karen and said, “I’m fine. I just didn’t really expect it to be that much blood.”
Karen said, “Can you not say shit like that right now, please?”
Paul said, “Sorry.”
Dr. Gibson said, “Once we get the baby out, we’ll stitch it back up and you’ll be good as new. Okay, now, one more good push should do it. You ready?”
Karen nodded her head, and on the next contraction, she pushed as hard as she could, screaming through the entire process. Dr. Gibson used his suction assistance, and the baby was delivered. Karen was immediately relieved in a way she had never felt before. The pressure that had been building daily in her body for nine months was just gone. There was no scaling it down or slowly tapering it off. It went from being unbearable to nonexistent in a matter of seconds. And more than just a physical relief, Karen felt like the journey she had been on was over. It had come to a conclusion, and she felt good about that.
The nurse stitched the cut at the back of Karen’s vagina. Dr. Gibson took Karen’s daughter, cleaned her, sucked the mucus from her nose and mouth, and a few seconds later Karen, still covered in her own filth, heard her daughter crying. Dr. Gibson laid the baby on Karen’s chest and said, “Congratulations. You have a brand-new healthy baby girl.” Karen looked at her as Paul and her parents leaned in close. It was strange to see this tiny person on her chest, this person who would depend on her for the rest of its life, this person she would worry about for the rest of hers.
Paul said, “This is so weird. I never believed anyone when they said this moment changed the way they felt about kids, and that it was beautiful and all that, but here we are in a room that smells like your crap. You’re covered in sweat and pee and whatever else. And it really is beautiful. She’s beautiful.”
Paul leaned in and kissed his daughter on the forehead as she cried and snuggled against her mother. Lynn said, “I’m so happy.” She looked at her husband and said, “We’re grandparents now.”
Robert said, “I know. It’s good. I feel really old, but it’s good.”
The nurse then moved up to Karen’s stomach and told her that she needed to push a few more times to deliver the placenta. As Karen pushed, the nurse pulled on the umbilical cord that was hanging out of Karen’s vagina and simultaneously massaged her stomach moving the mass of tissue out of her uterus and eventually through her vagina. This was not as traumatic as giving birth, but to Karen it was equally disgusting.
Dr. Gibson said, “We’re going to take her now and put her in observation for a few hours just to make sure everything is all right, which it looks like it is, and we’re going to get you to recovery. You all are welcome to be wherever our new mom feels comfortable having you.”
The nurse took Karen’s daughter away, and another nurse wheeled her into a recovery room. Paul, Lynn, and Robert went out into the waiting room. In the recovery room, the nurse explained to Karen that it was pretty important to try to urinate to get things moving again. So Karen sat on a toilet and forced herself to urinate to the best of her ability, the epidural still having some effect. When she looked in the toilet, there was some urine, but most of what was in the toilet was blood. The nurse assured her that this was normal and the bleeding would subside in a few days.
Karen remained in the hospital for the next twenty-four hours, per Dr. Gibson’s recommendation, and her daughter spent most of those twenty-four hours nestled in her arms. Paul stayed by Karen’s side the entire time.
The following morning, Tanya arrived with balloons and flowers and Karen’s parents brought some breakfast. They all talked about what name should be given to this little girl who was the center of so much attention for the past months, but Karen had made no decision on the matter. Lynn said, “So you never even thought a little bit about what you might want to call her?”
Karen said, “I thought a lot about it, actually, but nothing ever seemed right.” Then to Paul she asked, “Have you thought of any names?”
Paul said, “I’ve thought of a million names, but I’m with you. It’s such a big thing, I don’t know. We don’t have to name her right now, do we?”
Robert said, “Well, you have to have something on the birth certificate.”
Karen said, “But we have time. We don’t have to do that right away. I kind of want to hang out with her. See what she’s like. You know?”
Paul said, “I couldn’t agree more.”
Tanya said, “You’re going to give the press a conniption if your baby doesn’t have a name.”
Karen said, “Who cares?”
Tanya grabbed the baby’s finger and said, “I’m with you. I think it would be great to keep them guessing, but there are a whole bunch of photographers and press people outside. They have them roped off, kind of out of the way, but they’re definitely going to be getting a bunch of pictures when you come out and they’ll want to know what her name is.”
Paul said, “Isn’t there some back way we can take or something?”
Robert said, “Yeah, do we really have to deal with them?”
Karen said, “You know what? Let them get their pictures and then this is all over. Once they have a picture, it’ll calm them down and hopefully things can get back to being a little more normal. So let’s go out the front door and let them see what they want to see.”
Paul said, “Are you sure?”
Karen said, “Absolutely.”