Eyesofblue’s real name was Beth. James had learned this and a few other general details about her through a series of text messages, and he hoped that her profile pictures were accurate. He was waiting for her outside the RowHouse, a restaurant Beth suggested after James admitted that he didn’t know many nice places to eat. It was five minutes past eight o’clock. She was five minutes late. Punctuality was something James took very seriously. He checked his phone to see if Beth had sent him a text, but she had not. When he looked back up, he saw her walking toward him from the parking lot. She looked very similar to her profile pictures. The only difference was that she was slightly heavier in person. James felt it would be a sin to judge her for this, so he tried not to, and he immediately forgave her for her tardiness.
She walked up to him and said, “James?”
God was definitely real and he definitely created everything in existence. Jesus Christ was definitely his son and he definitely died for the sins of humanity. The universe and space and aliens were things that only scientists and moviemakers thought about. They had no real impact on anything that occurred on planet Earth. While on Earth, it was every good Christian’s duty to lead a good and righteous life, but God wouldn’t have made fun if he didn’t want people to have it. Although drinking, doing drugs, and having premarital sex were sins, God wouldn’t have created the ability for human beings to repent if he didn’t already know that there would be a need for it. Birth control, too, was something the church might be against, but God wouldn’t have created it if he didn’t expect people to use it. Birth control was something that gave a woman more flexibility in finding the right person to marry and spend the rest of her life with. Using it after marriage was something to be discussed with a husband, but using it before marriage was something God clearly intended for any woman who saw the need. These were things that Beth understood to be true.
James introduced himself and held the door open for Beth as they entered the RowHouse. When James approached the front desk and asked for a table for two, he was informed by the hostess that without a reservation the wait might be an hour. Beth said, “Oh, I made a reservation just in case. Beth Garner.”
James felt slightly embarrassed that he hadn’t known to make a reservation. He didn’t dine out often, and when he did, it was rarely at a place that required reservations. He explained this to Beth who said, “It’s totally fine. I picked the place. The least I could do was call and make a reservation.”
James and Beth were shown to their table, and they struck up the regular small talk that two people make on a first date. When the server came to take their drink orders, James learned that Beth had no problem with the casual consumption of alcohol, as she ordered a Manhattan. Beth learned that James didn’t drink alcohol at all when he ordered an iced tea and explained to her that he had never had even a sip of anything alcoholic. He told her that he passed no judgment on anyone who chose to partake in alcoholic beverages, but he had decided a long time ago that he would never poison himself in such a manner. He believed it to be insulting to God, who created his body with purity in mind. Beth began to think that James was possibly a little too Christian for her, but he was extremely polite and she did find him attractive, so she chose to ignore his hard-line stance on sobriety.
By the end of dinner, Beth was feeling the effects of her third Manhattan, and she asked James if he’d like to continue the date at a nearby bar. James was surprised to find that Beth’s insistence on drinking alcohol throughout dinner, and her suggestion to continue drinking alcohol at a bar, didn’t bother him that much. He always tried to remain neutral in matters of judgment where legal vices were concerned. He knew the social norms regarding alcohol dictated that Beth was doing nothing out of the ordinary, and it had been several months since he’d been on a date with a girl he found as charming as Beth.
He knew that this was very likely a test from God, but he was confused as to what God might be testing. It seemed too obvious that God would test him to see if he could resist temptation. And because Beth never tried to get him to taste even a sip of her own drink, James thought a test of temptation was unlikely. It seemed more reasonable that God might be testing James to see just how accepting of others he could be, how willing he was to indulge in activities that were out of his comfort zone. After deciding that this second test was the one God had probably set before him, James agreed to accompany Beth to a nearby bar.
Once in the bar, and halfway through her fourth Manhattan, Beth said, “So James, you seem like a pretty straightforward guy. You’re polite. You don’t seem like you’re too weird or anything. Why aren’t you married yet?”
James explained that he had dated a few women who seemed like likely candidates for marriage, but for one reason or another, things just ended up not working out.
Beth said, “Does that make you sad at all?”
James explained that it didn’t make him sad. He was confident in God’s plan for him, whatever that was, and he knew that when the time was right, God would bring him together with whoever he was supposed to marry. Beth said, “Who knows? Maybe that’s what God’s doing right now,” then leaned close to James and kissed him on the mouth.
James was surprised at how forward she was, but it made sense, given how forward she’d been online. There was alcohol on her lips—the first time James had ever tasted it—and he began to wonder if his first inclination might have been correct. Maybe this was a test of temptation.
Beth had one more Manhattan before she and James decided to leave. James walked her to her car, and they had a brief conversation about what a good time they each had and how they’d like to see each other again. As Beth was getting her keys from her purse, she stumbled, fell, and spilled everything in her purse onto the ground. She was very clearly drunk. She said, “Crap. I think I might be too drunk to drive home.”
James offered to call her a taxi.
Beth had a different suggestion. “You could just drive me home. I can leave my car here until morning.” Even if it was a test in temptation, as a Christian man, James knew he couldn’t leave a woman in need, so he agreed to drive her home.
James followed the GPS directions to Beth’s apartment and tried to engage her in some small talk on the drive, but after a few blocks Beth passed out. James let her sleep until he pulled up to the address she’d programmed into his GPS. He put the car in park, turned off the engine, and gently nudged her until she woke up.
Beth said, “Oh my god, did I seriously just pass out? I’m really sorry.”
James explained that there was no need to apologize. As he helped her out of the car and walked her to her front door, he was surprised to find that Beth seemed more attractive to him in some way as a result of her inebriation. There was something in her needing his help that made him feel like he was fulfilling his purpose as a man.
At her door, Beth kissed James again, and again he could taste the alcohol in her mouth. She said, “Do you, you know, want to come in for a second?”
James thought it would be the polite thing to do, if only to make sure she didn’t pass out on her kitchen floor or something similar. He agreed to come in to help her get into bed safely.
Once inside, Beth excused herself to the bathroom and told James to make himself comfortable. James didn’t plan on staying very long. He went into the kitchen and filled a glass of water from the tap, then sat on the couch. He heard the faucet in the bathroom turn on, then off, then the bathroom door opened. Beth said, “Come here.”
James followed the sound of Beth’s voice to her bedroom, where she was already sprawled out on top of her comforter. He extended the glass of water and explained that she should drink the whole glass through the course of the night. Beth said, “Thanks. Just put it on the nightstand.” James did as he was instructed, and as he approached the nightstand Beth reached out and pulled him down on top of her, kissing him sloppily and aggressively.
James pulled back and asked her what she was doing.
Beth said, “I invited you in. Why else would a girl do that?”
James explained that he genuinely thought she might just need some help getting into bed. Beth laughed at him and said, “Wait a minute. Are you one of these guys who doesn’t believe in premarital sex?”
James explained that this was indeed the case.
Beth laughed again and said, “And you’ve never been married. So . . . you’re a virgin?”
James explained that he was a virgin and he saw nothing wrong with it. He claimed that he would remain a virgin until God saw fit to change that. Beth said, “Well, it’s possible he’s trying to change it right now,” and leaned out toward him, reaching to grab him again.
James explained that, while the offer was extremely flattering, he was saving himself until marriage just as God had commanded all his servants to do. He told Beth that he didn’t judge her for her decision to ignore this command from God, but he wouldn’t be able to see her again knowing that she could so easily disobey what he saw as one of God’s most immutable laws where men, women, and love were concerned. James left the apartment, wiping a stray bit of Beth’s saliva from his mouth.
On his way back home he hoped God was pleased with him.