Lucas had overslept. Again. He was the last one at the breakfast table Wednesday morning, so he grabbed what was left of the eggs, snatched two pieces of bacon, and piled his plate with the three remaining pancakes. One by one, his siblings left the table to start their days. Even the youngest, Abram, left the room and returned with his book bag before Lucas finished eating.
As he stuffed the last bite of bacon in his mouth, his mother began to clear the table. Lucas thought about his conversation with Natalie the night before. Their phone calls were lasting longer and longer. He was halfway through the book she’d recommended, so they talked about it in depth, though she was careful not to give away the ending. Lucas was enjoying the story, but the male character was hindered by so many obstacles and even resistance from the woman he loved. He struggled with how he could trust that he was following God’s will and not his own desires, both physical and emotional.
Lucas couldn’t help following Natalie’s train of thought in comparing their situation with that of the characters in the book. Had God really called Lucas to teach Natalie about Him, or was it his own interpretation based on his feelings for her? They lived in a different era from the characters, and their circumstances were different, but love was universal and timeless. He hadn’t gotten into all of that with Natalie yet. He wanted to think and pray on it some more.
He pushed back his chair, stood, and reached for his hat and coat on the rack by the kitchen door. “Have a gut day, Mamm.”
“Lucas, wait.” His mother set the plate she was holding into soapy dishwater before drying her hands on her apron. “I want to ask you something.”
“What is it, Mamm?” He was anxious to apply a final coat of stain to the dining room table he was working on before he went to meet Natalie at the library. She’d said last night she would have to meet him earlier than their normal three to three thirty time.
“Where do you go in the afternoons on so many days?” Her eyes expressed more challenge than curiosity, and even though he didn’t think it was any of her business, he’d never been disrespectful to his mother. Since he still lived at home, maybe she had a right to ask.
“I go to the library in Bedford.” Lucas turned to leave and was almost out the door when his mother spoke again.
“That’s a fairly long ride in the buggy. Do you meet the Englisch girl there—Natalie?” Her voice was clipped as she spoke his friend’s name.
“Ya, I meet her there.” Lucas looped his thumbs beneath his suspenders and shifted his weight. “We are friends, and we both like to read.”
His mother took a step toward him. “Sohn, there are reasons why we are detached from outsiders.” She paused, her eyes darkening like angry thunderclouds. “And Natalie is very pretty.” Shaking her head, she said, “There is no gut to come from this.”
“Ya, she is very pretty.” He walked closer to where his mother was standing and kissed her on the cheek. “But we are only friends. We like to read and talk about books.”
“That’s fine, but we can’t always control our feelings, and getting involved romantically with that girl will only cause problems.”
“Me and Natalie are trusting Gott to guide our path, Mamm. We’re just friends.” Lucas did trust God to guide his path, but again he questioned his interpretation of what God wanted from him.
“And the Lord will guide you on your journey. But too often we step onto the wrong path without realizing it’s not Gott’s plan for us. Or we recognize that we’ve sidestepped but don’t have the courage or strength to back up and walk alongside Gott.”
Lucas had thought about everything his mother said and more, but until the Lord showed him otherwise, Lucas chose to believe Natalie was in his life for a reason—so he could teach her about God. Everything wasn’t crystal clear, and maybe it never would be. But one question lingered in his mind more than any other. Even if his interpretation of God’s calling was correct, was his time with Natalie temporary? Would they stay friends after Lucas felt like he’d done God’s work? These jumbled thoughts were exhausting and causing more and more doubts to fill his head.
“I’ve helped Natalie grow in her faith,” he said. “She has a relationship with Gott that she didn’t have before. I don’t see how that can be wrong.”
His mother raised her chin and met his eyes. “We don’t make a habit of ministering to others, especially the Englisch.” She pointed a finger at him. “Someone is going to end up with a broken heart if you get too close to that maedel.”
“You are worrying for nothing.” Lucas turned and walked out the door. As he strode to the barn to apply the stain on the table, he wondered if everyone around him saw something he and Natalie didn’t. He loved her, and he was pretty sure she loved him, but it wasn’t the kind of romantic love everyone seemed to be worried about. It couldn’t be. God wouldn’t allow that. Their goals for life were set. Natalie would become a veterinarian, and eventually Lucas would settle down with an Amish woman he hadn’t met yet.
He began to apply the stain to the dining room table in the barn, but an uneasiness settled around him. And angered him. His time with Natalie was precious, and he felt calm and at peace with her, as she’d said she felt with him. Why did others have to stir up trouble and make it more complicated than it needed to be?
By the time he finished the project and made it to the library, his thoughts were beyond scrambled and full of doubts that caused him to wonder if his friendship with Natalie wasn’t a good idea. Despite his convictions, maybe he should try to look at their friendship from an outside perspective. Would things look different?
A few minutes later, he found her in the same spot as before, sitting on the gray carpet by a window. She smiled when she saw him, but despite the warm glow that filled Lucas, his worries and confusion assaulted him from every direction, dimming the feeling.
* * *
Natalie had pondered Mary and her mother’s warnings about her and Lucas becoming too close. But today, she refused to focus on anything except the happy news she had to share with her friend. “Guess what?”
Lucas sat on the floor beside her and grinned. “What?”
“My mom started a new job yesterday. For the first time since she and my dad divorced, she sounded happy on the phone. She’s doing bookkeeping for a widowed man she calls ‘the cowboy.’ I don’t know his real name, but he trains horses, and Mom is terrified of horses. She isn’t a big fan of smaller animals either.” She paused as recollections from her childhood surfaced. “We never had any pets when I was growing up. I think she was attacked as a child by a wild cat or something. But she said she doesn’t have to be around the horses.” She pressed her palms together, smiling. “I feel like this is a big step toward her getting her life together.”
“That’s great.” Lucas plugged his phone cord into the outlet where Natalie’s was already charging.
“You know how much I love my mother, but I’ve been hoping she would regain the confidence in herself that she lost after my dad left. Having a job gives her a sense of purpose. And she certainly needs the money. It’s not full-time, but I’m so happy she found something.”
Lucas nodded, but his eyes were somewhere else, staring past her. Natalie waved a hand in front of him. “Hello?”
He came to attention. “Sorry. I was just . . .” His mouth took on an unpleasant twist.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” She found his eyes and held his attention.
Lucas rubbed his chin as he stared back at her. “Mei mamm pinned me in the kitchen this morning and wanted to talk about you.”
Natalie sighed. “No, not her too? Don’t tell me. She thinks one of us will get hurt, right?”
Lucas’s jaw tensed. “Has someone else said something?”
Natalie had hoped to avoid this conversation today. She hung her head, tucked her hair behind her ears, then looked back at him. “My mom and Mary both told me they were worried about our friendship. They think we have feelings for each other and one of us will get hurt.” Pausing, she sighed. “Mary even said it was dangerous and reckless.”
“Ya. Mei mamm is of the same opinion.”
She searched his eyes as she tried to figure out how upset he was about the conversation with his mother.
He held a blank expression, keeping his eyes fused with hers. “Are they right that one of us will get hurt?”
Natalie chewed her bottom lip. “I thought we weren’t going to buy in to any of that or worry about it, that we were going to follow God’s lead and listen to Him.” She swallowed the lump forming in her throat. “Are you changing your mind about our friendship?”
“I don’t know.”
Natalie’s jaw dropped as she placed a hand on her stomach, feeling like she’d just been sucker punched. “What are you saying?”
Lucas glanced around the area where they were sitting. No one was around. “I just don’t want to ever do anything to hurt you, not ever.”
Her stomach pain subsided a little bit. “And I don’t ever want to do anything to cause you pain either.” She paused. Because I love you. She couldn’t tell him that. He’d take it out of context and possibly end their friendship. “I feel like everyone is complicating a situation that doesn’t involve them, and I get that they love us and are worried. But my trust in God is stronger than my trust in our family and friends. And, Lucas . . .” She waited a few seconds until he was really looking at her, the way he did sometimes when she felt like he could see inside her thoughts. “I trust you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t.” He unplugged his phone, stood, and waited as she got to her feet.
Natalie fought the tears trying to form in the corners of her eyes. “You can say that, but I do trust you.”
He stared at her for a long while. “I can’t stay. I’ve got a couple errands to run. But I’ll see you at Levi and Mary’s Friday night, ya?”
She nodded. Did that mean he wasn’t going to call tonight or tomorrow night? It seemed likely since he’d barely charged his phone. She didn’t ask before he walked off. She wondered if he actually would be at Levi and Mary’s Friday night. God, where are You?
Whatever Helen said must have really hit him hard.
Natalie picked up her purse and coat, took the books she’d pulled back to the shelves, and left the library. As she started her car, she realized the warnings were true.
We are already hurting each other.
* * *
Lucas didn’t know his brother’s work schedule, but when he pulled into Levi and Mary’s driveway, he was happy to see Levi’s buggy. He dreaded the conversation he was going to have with his brother, but he needed to talk to someone, and Levi was the most likely to understand how he was feeling.
“Wie bischt?” Levi swung the door open and stepped aside for Lucas to come in. “What brings you here today?”
“Where’s Mary?” Lucas slipped off his shoes, hung his hat on the rack, and took a couple steps toward the kitchen, but he didn’t see his sister-in-law.
“She’s in the sewing room doing some mending, mostly to mei socks.” Levi grinned. “But I can go get her if you need to talk to her.”
“Nee. I came to see you.” Lucas sat on the couch, propped his elbows on his legs, then held his head. “I’m so confused.”
Levi sat next to him and faced him. “About what?”
After Lucas rubbed his temples for a few seconds, he looked up at his brother. “Mary told Natalie she’s worried about us, where our relationship is headed. Natalie’s mother apparently has the same concerns. This morning, Mamm got hold of me and gave her opinion loud and clear.” Pausing, he searched his brother’s face for a reaction, but Levi just scratched the back of his head and looked down. “I know you and Mary had to compromise on some things to be together since her district is so different from ours, and—”
“It’s not the same.” Levi shook his head. “I’ve been worried about you and Natalie too, mei bruder. It’s not hard to see how much you two care about each other. The obvious difference is that Mary and I are both Amish, no matter how different our districts might be.”
Lucas leaned his head back against his brother’s couch and closed his eyes.
“That fact that you’re even bringing this up must mean things are moving in a more complicated direction.”
Lucas raised his head and sighed. “Nee, not really. Everyone just seems to have an opinion about it, so now I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Levi stared at him, squinting. “Thinking about what?”
Lucas grumbled under his breath, wishing he hadn’t come. “You know, if everyone is right.”
“Right about what?”
Lucas stiffened as he turned to face his brother. “Why are you doing that? Questioning everything I say.”
“Because I’m not sure what you want me to say. Are you asking me if you should stay friends with Natalie? Or are you trying to tell me that you’re thinking about leaving our faith?”
“Nee. Never. I’m not living like the Englisch.” Lucas surprised himself by how quickly and earnestly he responded.
Levi ran his hand over his short beard. Lucas was still getting used to seeing his younger brother with facial hair, even though he and Mary had been married for months now.
“I feel like Gott wants me to show Natalie the way to Him. She is a gut person, but she didn’t really know how to have a relationship with our heavenly Father. And we’ve become close friends. But since everyone has all these concerns about our friendship, I’m trying to put myself on the outside and look in.”
“And what do you see?”
Lucas stared at his brother, who was three years younger but seemed much older right now. Levi was married, and Lucas knew the compromises he and Mary made to be together. Since they’d married, Levi had taken on a maturity Lucas felt he was lacking right now, and he hoped looking in from the outside might shed some light.
“I see two people . . .” He paused, sighing. “Who care a lot about each other and are aware there is no possibility of being together as anything more than friends.”
They were both quiet for a while.
Levi cleared his throat. “Our family never knew much about mei love of music. Mary had a fondness for it too.” He waited for Lucas to look at him. “Mamm tanned mei hide when she caught me playing a piano at an Englisch family’s haus when I was little. Somehow, I just knew how to play it.” His brother seemed to recoil as he avoided Lucas’s eyes. “I used to play the piano all the time for Adeline before she died.”
Lucas’s mouth fell open. He knew they’d sold Adeline’s piano after she passed, but this was the first time Lucas had heard this. “But you know it’s not allowed.”
“Nee. It’s not. I knew I was going against the Ordnung, and by doing so I never felt truly at peace playing the piano. But I do believe Gott called me to play for Adeline during her last weeks on this earth.”
Lucas rubbed his forehead. He wasn’t making the connection.
“What I’m trying to say is that I believe Gott wanted me to play the piano for Adeline, but only for a season, only to help her passing go smoother and to give her joy and a reminder of what she would have in heaven when she arrived and heard her husband playing the piano the way she remembered.”
The light clicked on in Lucas’s mind. “I’m being called to show Natalie the way to Gott, to teach her the many ways He loves us, how to trust Him, and how to accept His will.” Lucas swallowed. “But only for a season.”
Levi put his hand on Lucas’s shoulder.
Lucas hoped he didn’t cry. His brother was right. “How do I know when the season is supposed to end? For you, it ended when Adeline died. With Natalie, how will I know? What will be the determining factor?”
Levi removed his hand and sighed. “I don’t know.”
Lucas stood, thanked his brother, then left for home, feeling even more confused than before.