Lucas pulled into his brother’s place Friday evening and noticed right away that one of their buggies was gone, but Natalie’s car was in the driveway. He tethered his horse, washed his hands at the pump outside, and headed across the yard.
He tapped twice on the door before he walked in. Natalie was sitting on the couch with a piece of paper in her hands. She looked up at him, then offered the handwritten note. “Mary left this for us.”
Something is wrong with Maxwell. We are taking him to Big Rudy’s. Hope to be back before you arrive, but if not, supper is warm in the oven. Please go ahead and eat. So sorry!
Love,
Mary
“Who’s Big Rudy?” Natalie stood, leaned closer to Lucas, and eyed the note again.
“He’s the closest thing to a vet we’ve got nearby. They call him Big Rudy because there are four other Rudys in our district, and Big Rudy is, um . . . well, he’s big.”
“I understand Levi and Mary had to compromise on some things, but I really miss Mary having a phone at times like this.” She paused, frowning. “And I miss being able to talk to her more, in general.”
Lucas nodded but knew he, too, would have to give up his phone after he was baptized. He took off his hat and ran his sleeve across his forehead. It had warmed up in the days following the most recent cold snap, but temperatures were pleasant. He shouldn’t be sweating, but his hands were clammy too.
“Well, I hope Maxwell is okay.” Natalie rolled her lip into the familiar pout. “He’s such a sweet kitty.” She tucked her hair behind her ears.
Lucas tried to keep his eyes off her lips. This was becoming bothersome, and now he was alone with her, a situation he’d tried to avoid. He didn’t want to disrespect the Ordnung or Natalie, but he was becoming more and more aware of her looks. It was getting harder to balance what he knew was right with the feelings and temptations swimming in his mind like piranhas, eating up logic and replacing it with . . . something else.
Natalie cleared her throat. “Do you want me to leave?”
He came to attention and blinked at her. “What?”
She gently tugged on one of her gold hoop earrings as she kept her eyes fused with his. “I know it’s against the rules for you to be alone with me, and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”
He shrugged. “I’m fine, and I’m sure Mary and Levi will be back soon.” He took a deep breath and searched his mind for something to change the subject. Natalie usually said what she was thinking, and any more discussion on this topic would feel awkward. Their phone calls the past couple nights had already felt strained. “How’s your mom liking her new job?”
She raised both shoulders, letting them drop slowly. “I haven’t talked to her yet today, but as of yesterday she said she enjoyed working for ‘the cowboy.’ She still calls him that since he breaks horses. Mom has this thing for old western movies. But her cowboy has been out of town since right after she started working for him.”
Lucas wished his breathing would slow down and his heart rate would get back to normal. He walked over and sat in one of the rocking chairs. “I don’t think Moses Schwartz is a cowboy, but he does break horses.”
Natalie sat back down on the couch, scratching the side of her neck. “Who is Moses Schwartz?”
“Your mudder’s boss.” He paused, but when Natalie didn’t say anything and tipped her head to the side, he said, “One of mei bruders was at Moses’s place earlier today. He lives next door to us. He wasn’t there, but your mudder was.”
Natalie’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “My mother is working for an Amish man?” She burst out laughing. “You’re kidding me, right?”
Lucas shook his head.
“She has always thought the Amish were from another planet, so the fact that she’s working for an Amish man is pretty amusing to me.” She giggled again. “But, hey, I don’t care who she’s working for, as long as she’s got a job. And maybe she’ll develop a better understanding of your people and be more open-minded.”
Horse hooves clomped into the driveway, so Lucas and Natalie went out to the porch. Mary got out of the buggy carrying Maxwell, while Levi took care of the horse.
“What’s wrong with him?” Natalie gave the cat’s ears a gentle scratch when Mary got close enough.
“He’s diabetic.” Mary nuzzled the cat with her cheek. “I didn’t even know cats could get diabetes.” She looked up at Natalie. “Maybe you knew since you’re going to be a vet, but I had no idea.”
“Actually, I didn’t know that. But I’m just starting to learn all this vet stuff. I’m having to take a biology class right now.” She paused as she scratched her cheek. “Not my favorite.”
Levi walked up carrying a small bag. “Wie bischt, bruder? Hi, Natalie.” He held up the paper sack. “Maxwell’s insulin.” He gave the cat a quick scratch under his chin. “Two shots every day, probably for the rest of his life.”
“Wow.” Natalie raised her eyebrows, then eased Maxwell out of Mary’s arms and snuggled him. “Adeline would want us to take good care of you.” She looked at Mary again. “Will he be okay?”
“I think so. Big Rudy said we have to watch him closely for a while after each shot to make sure his blood sugar doesn’t get too low. He said it might take a few days for us to figure out the exact amount of insulin to give him.”
Levi motioned for everyone to follow him inside. He looked over his shoulder right before the porch steps. “If he’s still drinking a lot of water, we can give him a little bit of insulin. If he looks, uh . . .” He spun around and stopped. “Mary, what was that word Big Rudy used?”
“Lethargic,” she said. “Like maybe he’s falling asleep for no reason or losing consciousness or seems confused.”
“Ya, ya.” Levi turned and went up the steps. “If he gets like that, then he’s had too much insulin, and we’re supposed to give him Karo syrup to jerk him back to life.”
Natalie squeezed her eyes closed, then opened them. “That’s horrible to think about—jerking him back to life.”
Mary huffed a little as they entered the living room. “That’s not exactly what Big Rudy said. He said it’s hard to determine in the beginning how much insulin he needs. There might be some trial and error.” She shivered. “I don’t like that part. I wish we knew exactly how much to give him. Big Rudy gave us some guidelines, but we can’t establish the exact amount until we see how he reacts. If we happen to give him too much and he looks lethargic, we’re supposed to rub a little of the syrup on his bottom lip, and if his blood sugar is too low, it should make him become alert again.”
Lucas rubbed his chin, studying the cat in Natalie’s arms. “Is the medicine expensive?” Levi made good money doing construction work, but Lucas had watched their mother struggle with the cost of certain medications before, ones the Englisch doctor had recommended before she started using herbal treatments.
Mary shook her head before she walked into the kitchen. “Nee. It’s around twenty dollars and should last several months.” She set a pot she’d grabbed from the stove in the middle of the table, which was already set. When she lifted the lid, Lucas breathed in the aroma of beef stew, his stomach growling.
After they were seated, they bowed their heads in silent prayer. Lucas’s heart warmed when he noticed that Natalie prayed longer than anyone. She’d gone from knowing very little about God to building a strong relationship with Him and trusting and worshipping Him.
As Lucas stared at her, he thought about how easily they had become friends. If he tried to picture his life without her in it, a dismal feeling washed over him. He thought he’d done a pretty good job balancing his emotions where Natalie was concerned, knowing they would part ways someday. But the pendulum felt off-kilter lately, and that was beginning to scare him a little.
After supper, they all went to the den. Lucas stifled a yawn, while Mary, Natalie, and Levi watched Maxwell walk back to the kitchen to get a drink of water. It was the third time in the past fifteen minutes.
“Maybe we should give him some extra insulin.” Mary looked at her husband. “It’s only a tiny bit, and maybe he needs it.”
Levi went to the kitchen and came back holding the cat and the small bag. Mary sat on the couch, and Levi placed Maxwell on her lap, pulled out the vial of insulin and a syringe, then filled the latter with a small amount of the medicine. He leaned over the cat, pinched a small chunk of fur, then quickly let go. He turned and walked to Natalie. “Here, you do it.” He handed her the small needle. “It’ll be gut practice.”
Natalie’s mouth fell open. “No. Maxwell lives with you and Mary. You both have to know how to give him the shots.”
“We do,” Mary said before she shrugged. “But you feed him if we go somewhere, like when we had to travel to that wedding last month and stay overnight. You’ll have to know how to give the shots too.”
Natalie stiffened and didn’t take the syringe from Levi at first. After a few seconds, she reached for it, then walked over to where Mary sat holding Maxwell. She pinched the fur like Levi had, but as the needle neared the cat, she began to shake and felt the color draining from her face. She dropped the syringe and shook her head. “I can’t.”
Then she rushed across the room and out the screen door.
Lucas looked back and forth between Levi and Mary, who appeared as confused as he felt. He went outside and found Natalie sitting in one of the rocking chairs on the porch with her face in her hands.
* * *
Natalie uncovered her face when large hands gently eased hers away. She stared into Lucas’s eyes and tried to blink back tears as he squatted in front of her.
“I can’t give shots.” She lowered her gaze for a few minutes before she met his eyes again. “I also don’t like blood, and I don’t see how I could ever stitch up a wound. The most basic medical tasks unravel me.” She clutched the arms of the chair. “I love animals. All animals, but I get queasy around blood and needles.”
“Why haven’t you said anything?” Lucas took hold of her hand.
“I thought I could get past it. I’m doing fine in my core classes like English and math. But I might fail animal biology, my one and only class related to becoming a veterinarian, because I can’t do the basics. I almost passed out last week when we had to dissect a frog. In high school biology, I managed to get a passing grade by closing my eyes and letting my lab partner do everything. A college professor won’t let me get away with that.” She peered over his shoulder into the darkness, then squeezed his hand before she looked back at him. “I’m not sure if my love of animals is enough to help me work through my fears.”
Lucas eased his hand out of hers, then gently cupped her face with both hands, his thumb brushing away a tear that had escaped. “I don’t like blood or shots either. But I bet you’ll get used to it. Please don’t cry.”
His tender words caused Natalie to cry harder. She’d been holding her fears inside for so long, and they seemed to be spilling out all over the place now. “I’ve been praying so hard about this. Why would God lead me down this path? He provided me with the money to go to school. He gifted me with you, someone to teach me about His grace and mercy. I feel Him with me all the time. Why am I on this journey to be a veterinarian when it might not work out?”
“You don’t know it isn’t going to work out.” Lucas used one hand to push back a few loose strands of her hair, tucking them behind her ear. “Gott challenges us, but that doesn’t always mean we are on the wrong path. Sometimes the path of resistance is the right path and will make us stronger, but there are hurdles to getting where we’re supposed to be. This might just be one of those hurdles.”
Natalie gazed into Lucas’s eyes, blinking back her tears. His kind words lingered in her mind, but it was his touch, the feel of his hands on her cheeks that became her entire focus. “I love you,” she said softly.
Lucas’s lips parted slightly as he leaned closer. She knew what was coming and longed for it in a way that made everything else in her life feel secondary. When he kissed her, it sent the pit of Natalie’s stomach into a wild swirl, accompanied by a heady sensation she’d never experienced. It was everything she’d imagined. The feel of Lucas’s lips on hers was wonderful, as if all their emotional bonding over the last few months had finally merged into something perfect.
The screen door opened, and Natalie jumped, she and Lucas quickly moving away from each other. Mary’s eyes were wide as she clamped a hand over her mouth before turning and going back inside.
Lucas was standing now, his eyes ping-ponging back and forth between Natalie and the door. A few seconds later, he went into the house. The house where his family was.
Natalie wanted to go home, but her purse was in the den.
As she walked inside, everyone was quiet. They were her closest friends in the world, and they were all silent. Mary opened her mouth as if to say something, but she didn’t. Lucas and Levi exchanged glances before their eyes landed on Natalie. She picked up her purse and hurried back out the door, all three of them on her heels, asking her not to leave. But she got in her car and pulled out of the driveway.
She’d told Lucas she loved him. And he hadn’t said it back. But he kissed her. Would he have said it back if they hadn’t been interrupted? And, if he had, then what? When the tears came full force, she found a safe place to pull off the road.
It didn’t happen often, but more than ever, she wanted to talk to her mother. She needed her. But her mother didn’t answer the phone. Natalie stared at the screen. No calls from Lucas either.
She dried her eyes, forced some composure, and drove home, her heart aching.
* * *
Lucas faced off with his brother and sister-in-law. “It was one kiss,” he said as Mary shot daggers at him with her eyes. “Don’t overreact.”
Mary stepped toward him. She was usually levelheaded, calm, and polite, but right now she looked like she wanted to take a swing at him. “Natalie is mei best friend. I thought she was yours too.” She lowered her head to her hands. “I knew this would happen.”
“How could you know? I didn’t even know.” Lucas’s head was spinning, and the kiss kept playing over and over again, clouding his thinking. He’d heard her loud and clear. She loved him. Her words echoed in his mind, whirling around with the memory of his lips on hers.
Mary uncovered her face, her piercing glare replaced with tears building in the corners of her eyes. “You had to have realized, even if just a little, that you and Natalie were becoming more than friends. She has been through a rough time with her parents’ divorce, then Adeline died, and we don’t want to see her suffer more.” She lowered herself onto the couch, leaned back, and sighed. “And we don’t want you hurt either.”
Lucas paced, wondering how he’d let the kiss happen. “She was crying and upset because she wasn’t comfortable giving the cat a shot. Apparently, she’s having some trouble at school with the vet class. I think not being able to give the shot pushed her over the edge. Before now, I didn’t know anything about her fears.” He shrugged, still walking back and forth. “She was upset, and”—he couldn’t tell them what she’d said, so he just shrugged again—“I guess I just wanted to comfort her.”
“A hug would have been a gut way to do that.” Mary folded her arms across her chest, staring at him. After a few minutes of silence, she asked, “Lucas, do you love her?” She held up a hand when he opened his mouth to speak. “And you know what kind of love I’m talking about.”
“Ya, I know,” he mumbled, avoiding his sister-in-law’s piercing glare as he also avoided answering her.
Levi walked over to him, halting to place a hand on his shoulder. “Bruder, it would crush Mamm and Daed if you left our district. But you’re not baptized. They can’t shun you if you want to be with Natalie in the Englisch world.”
“I’m not leaving our way of life.” His heart ached when he thought about the possibility, and saying his feelings out loud affirmed what he’d really always known. They were right, and he had been foolish to think he could teach Natalie about the Lord, spend so much time with her, and remain only friends. Especially since he’d been attracted to her from the first moment he saw her. But now, he was in love with her, and his heart was taking a beating. When had he lost the balance he’d worked so hard to maintain? He should have stepped back and tried to see things from everyone else’s perspective much sooner. Instead, he’d worn blinders and convinced himself he was doing God’s work and didn’t have feelings for her.
Now he’d done the one thing he never wanted to do. He’d hurt her. She’d told him she loved him, and he hadn’t said it back. That would have made things worse. But then he kissed her and hurt her anyway.
Mary stood, tears in her eyes. “I love you, Lucas. And I love Natalie too. But I saw the signs, the way you two look at each other.” She dabbed at her eyes, which ripped even more at Lucas’s heart. “But I think I know you well enough to know you will never leave our lifestyle. Am I right?”
Lucas glanced at Levi, then looked back at Mary. “I guess everyone saw it but me. I didn’t want to see it.”
Mary twirled the string of her prayer covering as she paced. “Things never should have gotten this far.”
“I know.” Lucas rubbed his temples, disappointed in himself.
Mary wiped away another tear. “Natalie is like mei schweschder. She didn’t represent a threat to Levi and me, to the way we live. I worried when you first started spending time together, but I tried to convince myself that it was your business—and Natalie’s. But now everything is such a mess.”
Lucas couldn’t agree more. He should have stopped seeing Natalie when his attraction to her began to grow. But when had that been? Maybe he’d known all along he was in love with her. But those same emotions had prevented him from letting her go.
* * *
Cecelia sat across from Moses at the small kitchen table after they finished eating her chicken casserole and Helen’s delicious homemade bread. “That’s the most I’ve eaten in a long time.” She laid her napkin across her plate. “I’ll have to diet tomorrow.”
“You worry too much about the way you look.” Moses wiped his mouth before putting his napkin down.
Cecelia’s world seemed to dictate protocol as to how a woman should look. How nice it would be not to have to apply makeup every day and perform facial masks weekly as if her life depended on it. What if she didn’t dye her hair and just let the gray come on out? And she could eat those truffles she loved nightly, instead of just binging on the days she thought about Tom.
“I know the women in your world aren’t concerned with looks, but the rest of us are.” Cecelia put a hand on her belly. She could feel it swelling just sitting there.
“Ya, I realize that. But you are a beautiful woman.” Grinning, he stood, lifted his plate, and walked around the table to get Cecelia’s. He stood looking down at her. “I’ll bet you’re just as beautiful without makeup.”
Cecelia blushed, but she wasn’t sure whether to take the comment as a compliment or an insult. She’d hit her forties, and she once read an article that said less was more when it came to women getting older. Still, she hadn’t been able to shed her standard makeup routine, which included a lengthy application of the necessary cosmetics—foundation, powder, blush, eye shadow, eyeliner, and mascara.
“Ha,” she said as she stood and walked with him to the kitchen sink. “You say that, but you’d feel differently if you saw me in my natural state.” She glanced around the kitchen for the dishwasher, then remembered where she was.
Moses plugged the sink and turned the water on. After a few seconds, she ran her hand under it. “You have hot water.”
The skin beside his eyes crinkled as he smiled, an expression that was growing on Cecelia. “Ya, I have a hot water heater in the basement. It uses propane, which is frowned upon in our district, but it was here when Marianne and I moved in, and we figured no one would see it down there.” He grinned as he added dishwashing soap to the warm water. “Nothing like running hot water and a hot bath to soothe the soul.”
“Ah, so you’re a rule breaker.” Cecelia cut her eyes in his direction.
“I can be.” He winked, and Cecelia just grinned.
Moses didn’t have nice furniture. It wasn’t horrible, just broken in. The kitchen was a joke. She wasn’t sure how he functioned in here. But his bathroom was amazing. She thought about the oversized claw-foot tub again and pictured herself soaking in it with candles lit around the room, a glass of wine in her hand, and soft music playing.
She picked up a kitchen towel from the counter. “You wash, and I’ll dry.”
He rinsed the first plate and handed it to her, his arm brushing against hers. Cecelia couldn’t recall her and Tom ever doing dishes together. She and Natalie had always cleared the table and loaded everything into the dishwasher while Tom retreated to the living room.
When they were done, Cecelia dried her hands on the towel and laid it back where she’d found it. “I should probably go. It’ll be dark soon.”
Moses nodded to his right, at the lantern on the counter. “I have plenty of those. Stay.” Grinning, he twisted to face her. “Unless you don’t like driving at night.”
“I’m not an old woman.” She thrust her hands to her hips. “I can still drive at night.”
“Then stay,” he said softly. He didn’t wink this time, but his eyes stayed locked with hers in a way that caused her insides to tremble. Is he coming on to me? She reminded herself that he’d clearly told her during their lunch meeting that he needed a bookkeeper and not a wife. He wasn’t coming on to her. He’s just lonely, like I am.
“I-I guess I could stay for a little while longer.” She felt like a schoolgirl on a first date. Again, she reminded herself that it wasn’t like that. She was getting to know her boss, who just happened to be nice looking, even with a beard that nearly reached his middle. She remembered when Tom had wanted to grow a beard, and she’d thrown a fit because she wasn’t a fan of facial hair. But it worked on Moses.
They walked into the living room and Cecelia sat on the couch, then scooched over after Moses sat down right beside her.
“Relax, Cecelia. I don’t bite.” He winked at her as his face turned into the now-familiar expression that caused her pulse to speed up.
She stared at him for a few seconds. “You’re not like any other Amish man I’ve ever known.”
He laughed. “I’m wondering how many Amish men you’ve really known. I think maybe you have preconceived ideas about us.”
She raised her chin. “I’ll give you that. I haven’t spent much time with anyone Amish, male or female.”
He twisted to face her. “Tell me about yourself.”
Rolling her eyes, she said, “Not much to tell. I married Tom. We had Sean and Natalie. Then we got divorced.”
“That’s not what I mean. Who is Cecelia?” He tilted his head to one side and fixed his gaze on her, inquisitiveness swimming around in his mysterious hazel eyes.
It had been so long since anyone was interested in her, she had to think for a few minutes. “Um, well . . . here are the things most people know about me.” She tapped a finger to her chin, recalling happier times in her life, pre-divorce. “I love shoes, flowers, and watching old western movies.”
Moses chuckled.
“I know. Tom used to think it was funny too.” Cecelia smiled.
“It’s just that you’re afraid of animals, especially horses. And I’m not sure you can watch a western that doesn’t have horses.” He raised a bushy dark eyebrow.
“You’re right. But cowboys are usually heroes, or at least one of them is.” She thought about the way she’d called Moses a cowboy in her mind and even to Natalie. Then she grinned. “And exactly how many westerns have you seen since TV isn’t allowed in your world?”
“A few, in my rumschpringe.”
Cecelia nodded.
“Now, tell me something else about you, something the general population doesn’t know.”
“Hmm . . .” She shifted her weight, turning more in his direction as dusk settled in on them, dimming the amount of light streaming through the windows. He hadn’t lit the lantern on the coffee table yet. Cecelia would need to go soon. Not that I have anything to go home to. She lowered her eyes. “I guess no one knows the ways that I’m trying to change. Even my daughter seems to have planted me in a box in her mind where I’ll never grow. I’m just her needy, bitter mom who had a hard time with the divorce, has financial woes, and is a miserable person to be around.” She lifted her eyes to his, expecting pity. She couldn’t read his expression, but pity didn’t seem to be part of it. “I don’t want to be that person. I want to be strong, independent, and have joy in my life.”
He smiled. “I think your goals are admirable. It couldn’t have been easy to go through all that.”
Finally. Someone gets it. “It was an ugly mess, but thank you for saying that about my goals. I have a long way to go. Bitterness has a way of attaching itself to a person, and it’s hard to shed. But I’m working on it.” She chewed on her bottom lip, hoping she wasn’t going to cross a line. “Your wife hasn’t been gone long. A few months, right?” He nodded. “You must miss her a lot.”
“Every day.” He looked somewhere past Cecelia, a far-away look in his eyes. She wondered what was harder on the heart—a spouse who passed away or a spouse who cheated, lied, and left.
“I’ll admit, I don’t know everything about the Amish, but I know large families are common. Why didn’t you and Marianne have children? And please don’t feel like you have to answer if I’m overstepping.”
Moses cleared his throat and reached for a box of matches on the coffee table. He pulled the lantern closer and removed the globe. “It just never happened for us.”
“I’m sorry.” Cecelia had a complicated pregnancy with Natalie. “I couldn’t get pregnant again after Natalie, so I’m especially grateful for her. And, despite the horrible things that happened during the divorce, there was a time when she and I were close. I want to find that again. Sean, Natalie’s older brother, is in the army, so I don’t get to see him much, but we talk on the phone or video chat about once a week. He was lucky enough to be out of the house when things turned bad for me and Tom.”
They were both quiet as Moses lit a second lantern. Cecelia watched the flame flicker and dance, casting shadows across her boss’s face.
He sat back, scratching his whiskered cheek, and Cecelia waited.
“I’m not gut in the kitchen, but I can whip us up a pot of coffee if you’d like to stay a while longer. I’m enjoying getting to know mei new employee.”
She thought about her empty house and the bottle of vodka she occasionally got into at night when she was lonely. This sounded better. “Coffee would be great.”
She followed Moses into the kitchen, and he lit the lantern on the counter before filling a pot with water and placing it atop the stove. Then he relit the wood inside, which was still smoldering from earlier.
Cecelia leaned against the counter as he took two cups from the cabinet, along with a container of coffee. The smell of the burning wood, the shadows cast from the lantern, the simple table and chairs, the old refrigerator—Cecelia felt like she was in one of the old westerns she loved.
And Moses is my cowboy. It was a comical thought since she’d always assumed the Amish were so different and had never encouraged a friendship with any of them. She decided it was time to rethink her “preconceived ideas” about these people.