Parents naturally search for a way to understand why a teen would love and stay with a person who is violent toward him or her. It is also hard for parents to understand why someone would threaten and hurt someone they seem to care about.
Most battering relationships are not solely violent, but have tender moments as well. The things that keep any couple loving and needing one another is complicated in any relationship, and the dynamics of an abusive relationship are especially complex. Intermittent kindness and abuse trap the victim in the belief that the abuse will stop, even as it gets worse. These are the issues we will discuss in this chapter.
But understanding why someone stays with a person who is violent does not explain why the violence takes place. All it takes for a relationship to become abusive is for someone to be willing to use threats, intimidation, and violence to control another person. Once batterers act on their violent impulses, they find it easier to use violence again and again. The first part of this chapter analyzes the factors that contribute to a batterer’s use of violence.
It is hard to explain why a person is cruel or violent to someone they love. There is no single explanation for it; a variety of factors contribute, and you might recognize some of them in your teen’s battering relationship. Again, please remember that we refer to the batterer as “he” because relationship violence is most commonly, although not always, perpetrated by males. However, we have seen in recent years that teen girls have become more aggressive in relationships, sometimes to emotionally or physically defend themselves, and sometimes because of their own issues of power and control.
It is commonly believed that anyone who has an explosive temper, uses violence, or controls their partners is a victim of their own inability to control themselves and their emotions—they are “out of control.” But the reality is that most of the time, abusive and violent behavior in relationships is deliberate and planned. Abusers have a purpose for their behavior: to get their needs met by controlling the person they care about.
There is some good news, however. Social norms seem to be changing, as more and more boys are recognizing when they have problems with aggression and abuse in their relationships, and deciding not to use their power this way.
Many high school and college students say that jealousy is the main cause of dating violence. Although it is based on insecurity, teens often think jealousy is a sign of love. The abuser says, “I love you so much I can’t stand for you to have other friends. I want you all to myself.”
A girlfriend or boyfriend feels flattered by this “proof” of love. But they may ignore the way an abuser’s jealousy leads to restricting and controlling behavior. What starts out as romance and “special” love can become a prison for the person who is loved.
Love has already become a prison when an abusive boyfriend says to his girlfriend, “I want you all to myself,” and then has jealous, angry outbursts when his girlfriend visits friends or does something by herself that she enjoys. Then, because she is afraid, the girlfriend tries to avoid the abuser’s bad temper and violence. Gradually, she stops doing things she enjoys or seeing people who are important to her. She becomes more isolated and more dependent on the abuser as the only person in her life. The abuser then becomes even more jealous and violent, because he discovers that his jealousy gives him an excuse to control the person he loves by keeping her intimidated, frightened, and dependent on him.
In fact, jealousy is not a sign of love. People are jealous because they are insecure about themselves and afraid they won’t be loved. Because they are insecure, they may use their jealousy to dominate, isolate, and control the person they love. They then feel free to justify their violence and abuse because they assume that their jealousy is a valid explanation for their behavior.
In our society, teenagers can learn mistaken ideas about what is considered normal in a relationship from what they see in movies, video games, music videos, television shows, and advertising. They see many situations in which a strong person or group maintains power by using violence to control people who are less powerful. They see bigger or older kids bullying smaller or younger kids. They see governments using armies or bombs when they have a conflict. They see women treated badly in movies, video games, and on TV. They may see adults they know using violence to show they have power. So they assume that maintaining power with violence is normal.
The realities about the actual consequences of violent behavior are missing from media portrayals, while the violent behavior itself is glorified and justified. This desensitizes people so they overlook or don’t react to the harmful effects of violence. Studies have shown that exposure to violent television shows, movies, and video games increases aggression in youth of all ages. One study reported, “There is some evidence that youth who are predisposed to be aggressive or who recently have been aroused or provoked are somewhat more susceptible to these effects than other youngsters are, but there is no evidence of any totally immune group.”20
Some young men believe it is their right to abuse women. They mistakenly believe that men should dominate and control women, and that women are passive, inferior, and obligated to please men. They may also believe that they have authority over women and are entitled to sex.
Young men experience a lot of peer pressure to be sexually active, and sometimes sexually aggressive, with girls. Many of them feel it is their role to be dominant and to control their girlfriends’ activities and behavior.
Young men often receive approval from their friends for being “the boss,” for keeping their girlfriend “in line” by pushing her around, or for insisting on sex even when she says no. They may be afraid they won’t look “man enough” if they don’t behave this way.
A girl will often feel pressured to do what her boyfriend wants her to do, even if it hurts her. She often becomes dependent on her boyfriend, learning to put him first, and not to have anything important in her life apart from a relationship with him. She might become judgmental and critical of girls who are not seeing one special guy. A girl feels peer pressure to be in a relationship even if it is not good for her.
Girls also feel pressured to have sex when they don’t want to. If her boyfriend forces her to have sex in spite of her saying no, she may blame herself. The pressure and blame come from mistaken ideas about sex and relationships. For example, some teenagers believe that if a guy takes a girl out, she is “obligated” to have sex with him, even if she doesn’t want to. Some teenagers believe that guys are justified in raping a girl if they are turned on by her, or if they have spent money on her. Once a girl agrees to have sex with her boyfriend, she may believe that she doesn’t have the right to say no, change her mind, or refuse to do particular sex acts, or she may believe she doesn’t have the right to turn down another date—as if he now “owns” her. Or she may be afraid that she will damage her reputation and be seen as a “slut” by other teens if she doesn’t agree to his “ownership” of her.
Young men who were abused as children or who saw their mothers being abused are more likely to abuse their girlfriends, wives, or children.21 This does not mean that everyone who has been abused becomes abusive, or that abusive behavior is excused because of past experiences. But a combination of factors that includes a childhood history of witnessing or experiencing physical abuse seems to lead some people to use violence.
A young man may have learned from his abusive parent to blame others for his problems and to use violence to maintain control. Situations in which he feels frustrated or powerless may trigger overwhelming rage. He may have learned to release his tension by losing his temper and exploding in anger, no matter who gets hurt. Because he considers himself a victim, he feels justified when he lashes out at those closest to him, and those around whom he feels most vulnerable. He may not have learned other ways to handle his problems and feelings.
If he has witnessed his mother being abused by his father, his stepfather, or her boyfriend, a young man might accept the mistreatment of women as normal. In such an environment, he does not learn to treat women with respect.
Teens who are abusive have trouble handling their insecurities and fears. Different psychological dynamics underlie each individual’s use of violence, which is often caused by traumatic or disruptive childhood experiences. Three of the more common psychological factors are unmet dependency needs, the fear of abandonment or loss, and the compulsive need to have order and control. Although many other people have these fears and insecurities and do not become violent or controlling, abusers may be influenced by these factors to use violence rather than other means of coping. Insecurity and difficulty managing emotions, including anger, are common issues for preteens, teens, and young adults, especially males; but in healthy relationships, teens find ways to handle these issues without hurting or needing to control their partners.
Dependency needs surface when a batterer falls in love. He may find himself to be emotionally needy and dependent on his girlfriend. When these needs are stimulated, and he then perceives them as not being met, he becomes panicky and enraged. He may also feel that it is unacceptable and unmanly to be dependent, so he restricts and undermines his girlfriend until she becomes dependent on him, allowing him to hide his own dependency.
A boyfriend who is abusive often experiences an intense fear of abandonment, then becomes panicky and enraged at the perceived threat of loss. He may be especially afraid his girlfriend will leave him, so he has trouble trusting her. He constantly tests his girlfriend to prove her love, including the demand that she give up everything to be with him. At any real or imagined sign that she might be thinking of leaving the relationship, he may become violent.
Some abusers who need order and control fear that everything around them will fall apart if they are not in control. A boyfriend might demand that his girlfriend comply with his compulsive requirements for attention—for example, with frequent and poorly timed demands that she bring him things instantly, meet him at particular places, or rescue him from his daily troubles and inconveniences. Batterers become enraged, and violent, when they do not get their way.
Many abusers don’t know how to communicate or talk about their feelings. An abuser often can’t empathize or understand why his partner feels afraid and upset when he gets angry and mistreats her.
Many teenagers who have experienced violence say that drinking alcohol and using drugs make the situation worse. Alcohol and drugs allow people to lose their inhibitions and become violent. Research has not proven that substance abuse causes violence; however, substance abuse and violence have often been described as exacerbating one another, like pouring gasoline on a fire.
Alcohol and other drugs alter a person’s perceptions and reactions. Some drugs trigger violent behavior. Some people only get violent when they drink or use. For others, it doesn’t make a difference; they are violent whether or not substances are involved.
For example, Sam is at a party with his girlfriend, Lila. Sam gets drunk, takes Lila home, and verbally and physically attacks her. Later he explains that he gets violent when he drinks. However, at the party, he was able to decide not to beat up other people. He saved his violence for Lila. If he had decided not to drink, he says, he might have been able to decide not to beat up Lila too. So he uses his drinking as an excuse to be violent.
Abusing alcohol and other drugs is often a dangerous way to deal with personal problems. Problems with substance abuse and problems with violence must each be dealt with separately, but with equal attention. As complicated as all the contributing factors can be, in order for a batterer to stop using violence, he must realize that only he can stop it. He is responsible for his violence and for making the commitment to change his behavior.
The question that parents of abused girls most often ask is, “Why does my daughter put up with the way her boyfriend treats her?” A victim may be furious with her partner for hurting her, and the next day she may be in love again, or she may make excuses for him as if she had never been angry. She may go back and forth as she changes her mind over and over again.
Parents wonder if there is something wrong with their daughter, or with the way they brought her up. They may be continually trying to figure out why she goes back to her boyfriend after she has been hurt by him.
It is important to understand that many victims do eventually leave abusive relationships, even if they go back more than once before the final break. A girl’s tie or bond to the batterer is only part of the picture in understanding why she stays. Leaving or breaking up can be frightening, dangerous, and complicated because of the likelihood that the batterer’s violence will escalate when she tries to leave.
Ultimately, most teens do leave abusive relationships. It may take weeks, months, or years, and they may break up and go back several times before the relationship finally ends. In the meantime, there are a variety of reasons why a girl might keep seeing her boyfriend in spite of his violent behavior. In this section, we will discuss what girls have told us about why they stay, and how a phenomenon called “traumatic bonding” affects the way girls perceive what is happening to them.
Girls have told us that hope, fear, and love keep them tied to the young men who hurt them. Most of the girls we have talked with who have ended a battering relationship had tried to break up several times before finally doing so. Sixteen-year-old Karen said:
I got so mad, I broke up with him. Then he cried and said he was sorry. He promised he’d never hit me again. This happened again and again. I’d believe him every time, because I didn’t want to leave him; I wanted him to change.
A girl may hope that he’ll change, or hope that her love will change him, or hope that something will solve whatever problems she blames for his violence (such as drinking, school pressure, or conflicts with his parents). She may hope that the two of them can recapture the romance of the beginning of their relationship, or that the good times will last “this time” and not be interrupted by violence. Tracy, mother of fifteen-year-old Danielle, had this to say:
Danielle was always trying to save Jake. She’d feel bad because he had so many problems with his family. They didn’t celebrate holidays. They didn’t help him with school. She believed that if only she could do enough for him, or give him all the things she had as a kid, he’d change—he’d become more like her. But that didn’t happen. He got worse, and she fell apart.
Fear also keeps girls from leaving abusive relationships. They often discover early in the relationship that the violence intensifies anytime their boyfriends suspect or imagine that they are thinking of separating. They may be afraid of telling their boyfriends that they want to end the relationship, fearful their boyfriends will explode in anger and become more violent than ever.
Sometimes a young woman may have tried to break off the relationship, but her boyfriend became so depressed he deliberately hurt himself, or threatened to kill himself. So she is afraid to try again. She may feel that she is the only one who loves and understands him, and that he needs her so much he won’t be able to survive without her. She may feel more responsibility than love for him, and too afraid of what will happen to him to try to break up.
She may also be afraid that he will hurt friends or family members. Renee said, “Selma was afraid to leave him because he threatened to kill her or other guys she might go out with.” She may be afraid that he will stalk her, follow her, harass her, or threaten her and her friends and family, especially if he has already done these things in the past.
These fears should be taken seriously, because often the threats become real, as illustrated in the tragic story of Cindi Santana.
Cindi Santana was seventeen years old when she was killed by her ex-boyfriend, Abraham Lopez, during lunch at South East High School in Los Angeles in 2011. They had been dating throughout high school, and he had become increasingly jealous, controlling, and threatening until she finally ended the relationship. He became enraged and threatened to hurt her mother and others in the family. They reported him to the police and obtained a restraining order. Cindi was frightened about breaking up with Abraham and what he might do. It turned out that her fears were realized.
A victim may have other additional fears that keep her from ending the relationship. She may be afraid to be alone, fearing the pain of loneliness without the intensity of the relationship. She may be afraid that she will never again find someone to love her (especially if her boyfriend has been telling her this). Jessica, age sixteen, said, “I felt lucky to have him, and believed that no one else would want to be with me; I was convinced that I was ugly and stupid.”
Familial and cultural expectations about a loving relationship may also convince a teen to stay with her abusive boyfriend. She (and her family) may believe that enduring abuse is the “price you pay” to be in a couple. She may believe that the abuse is normal, that all relationships are like this. Or she may believe that her boyfriend’s abuse means that he loves her, and his jealous tantrums show how much he cares. She may expect that once she has had sex with someone, it means they have a commitment to each other and should get married. If she is pregnant or has had a child with her boyfriend, she may believe that she must stay with him for the benefit of her child.
Her expectations about her future may affect the way she feels about staying in the abusive relationship. If this relationship is all that she has planned for her future, and she does not see other options, she may be unwilling to give it up. She may believe there are no other guys she would prefer to be with, or that she doesn’t have anything else to look forward to, such as work, school, athletics, or other activities.
Being in love can make it difficult to end a battering relationship. Often the bond between the partners is intense. During times when there is no physical or verbal violence, the victim and the abuser may feel strong love or a strong bond for one another. Yvette, age eighteen, had this to say:
After we broke up, I thought, “He was my security,” and I was extremely lonely without that. So I went back. I knew that he would be there, that he still loved me. I didn’t think I could be or do anything without Bruce. We had such an incredible bond with each other—we both felt it.
Research has shown that a phenomenon called “traumatic bonding” intensifies the ties between abuser and victim. Some people relate this to the “hostage syndrome” or the “Stockholm syndrome” that can happen to anyone under circumstances in which they feel threatened, are isolated, and don’t see a way out. As a result of being traumatized and frightened (by having her physical or psychological survival threatened), the victim needs nurturing and protection. If she is isolated from others, the victim turns to her abuser. If the abuser is loving or kind, she becomes hopeful and denies her anger at him for terrifying her previously. Thus the victim bonds to the loving and kind side of her abuser and works to keep him happy, becoming sensitive to his moods and needs (and hoping he will not hurt her). She tries to think and feel as he thinks and feels, and unconsciously takes on his worldview. She sees her parents and others the way her abuser does—as hostile to their relationship, as her enemy, as trying to come between them and their great love for each other. Her own feelings, needs, and perspectives, especially her feelings of anger or terror, get in the way of her doing what she must do to survive, so she gradually loses her sense of self. Even when she has the opportunity to leave the abuser, she has an extremely difficult time doing so. She is afraid of losing what she considers the only positive relationship she has, and of losing her identity as his girlfriend—the only way she knows herself. She goes back and forth, pushed and pulled between her fear of and her anger toward her abuser and her survival-based desire to take care of and protect him.
Many relationships start with romantic love, where everything seems perfect and the couple only sees the good things about each other. Traits that one partner instinctively doesn’t like are excused, or seen as positive. For example, what one person initially sees as “suffocating” and “controlling” is instead seen as “devotion” and “attentiveness.”
Romantic love is thrilling, exciting, and passionate. Feeling intensely romantic at first, a young couple wants to be together all of the time. As the relationship develops, this desire to be together can become either nurturing or addictive. In an addictive relationship, the partners gradually feel more desperate to be together. They find themselves neglecting activities and relationships that are good for them, just so they can be together. They feel threatened by anything one of them does apart from the other. If one person is addicted and the other is not, the addicted person becomes desperate, jealous, or threatened by the other’s activities that do not include him or her.
To parents of a teen in an addictive relationship, their child seems obsessed. They can’t get him or her to focus on anything except the relationship. Either this relationship becomes part of their family life, or their child stays away and they hardly see him or her. Their teen is texting or waiting for a message whenever he or she is not with the object of their affection.
An addictive relationship, though not healthy, may or may not turn into an abusive one. It usually goes on for a prolonged period of time because both partners find it difficult to extricate themselves from each other. If the teen, preteen, or young adult is the target of addictive love, he or she may have a terrible time convincing the other that they should do things separately, and suggestions of breaking up may provoke a huge, dramatic crisis. If the teen is addicted to the relationship, he or she may experience a life-threatening panic at the thought of losing his or her partner (“life-threatening” because of the threats of violence or suicide that are often involved).
A healthy, nurturing relationship, on the other hand, doesn’t rely on dependency to sustain the couple. The people involved encourage one another to have friends and to enjoy activities they do separately as well as those they do together. They support each other to do well in school, work, and other activities. If they have an argument, neither is afraid of the other. If one wants time alone, the other can accept it. Although they love each other, they know they can survive the painful feelings after a breakup and go on to other relationships if this one ends.
Sometimes addiction to drugs and/or alcohol plays a major role in keeping a young woman in a battering relationship. Teens whose partners are addicted to drugs or alcohol are at high risk of violence from their partners. Sometimes a girl will continue to see a boyfriend who is violent because he is her source of drugs. She may choose to return to the familiarity and security of doing drugs with her boyfriend rather than searching for drugs on the street.
Sometimes the couple will drink or use drugs together to sustain the connection between them or to support her caretaking role. For example, some girls have told us that they drink or use drugs in an effort to make their partners drink or use less; others have told us they drink or use drugs when forced or coerced by their partners; and still others have told us that the powerful bond between them and their abusers includes using drugs and/or drinking together.
Sometimes the substance abuse stops when the relationship ends because it has been tied to the relationship. But often, there is an ongoing problem with substance abuse that requires addiction treatment as part of the recovery from the abuse after the relationship ends.