As parents we may say something like, “I’ll kill anyone who hurts my daughter,” as if saying these words creates a circle of protection around our children. But this attitude may keep us from teaching children skills of their own that are necessary for preventing violence.
We must teach our children not only to be cautious of the danger that can come from a stranger, but also to be prepared for potential violence from someone they know. The majority of incidents of violence against women and girls are perpetrated by acquaintances and intimate partners. Our daughters and sons need to have information about abuse and how to prevent it.
For example, a teen who has learned not to get into a car with a stranger (good advice at any age) will need more complex strategies to handle being in a car with an acquaintance who becomes violent. Violence prevention strategies for dating situations that take place in a car may involve getting away to a safe place, getting help, or defending oneself physically.
Although there is a great deal parents can do to protect children and teens from violence, it is also important to be realistic about what parents cannot do. It is impossible to completely control teens’ environments as they venture out into new situations. Parents can’t eliminate danger, but they can help their children think about reducing the risks they take. The best safety strategies are not based on parental protectiveness or rules, but on teens’ ability to think about choices and options for taking action to protect themselves. Teaching teens to be aware, alert, and assertive gives them the ability to think and take action. Parents can empower teens by encouraging them to take self-defense training.
Awareness is the foundation of self-protection and personal security. It involves paying attention to what is happening in a given situation, with a mind free of misconceptions.
Parents can talk to preteens and teens about the myths and realities of dating violence. Sometimes teens—and adults as well—are lulled into a false sense of security: “It can’t happen to me.” Misconceptions and stereotypes reinforce and justify the use of violence and keep people from taking action to prevent or stop it. Some common misconceptions are the following:
As you become more informed about what is true and what is not, you can discuss these harmful misconceptions with your teen.
There is other information in this book that you can discuss with your teen. Teens can learn the warning signs of an abusive relationship (chapter 3) and the patterns that can be recognized, such as the cycle of violence (chapter 2). You might also suggest that your teen read In Love and In Danger: A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships by Barrie Levy.
In order to stay safe, it is important for teens to be aware of vulnerability and potential risks in relationships. Teens must be empowered to take care of themselves by thinking about the risks inherent in their activities and then making their own plans for their safety. It helps to begin this process with children when they are young, because as they get older teens resist acknowledging their vulnerability, both to themselves and to their parents.
There are many ways to start this process. When a teen asks for permission to go somewhere, before saying yes or no, a parent can ask him or her to evaluate the safety of the situation. Asking teens to think about the situation in advance, and to think about the concerns of parents, is helpful because teens learn to think clearly rather than waiting for their parents’ reactions. It also teaches them to think of the situation’s impact on their parents. Ask teens: “What precautions are you taking?” “How can I be assured you are planning for your own safety?” “How am I going to have peace of mind while you are out?”
For example, if the teen wants to go to a party, ask: “How are you getting there and back?” “If ____________ [friend’s name] is going to drive you back, what if he [or she] decides to drink? Then what will you do?” “What kind of backup plans do you have for ensuring your safety or for reacting to an emergency?” In this way the teen is encouraged to think about his or her own safety. Another way to teach teens to think about their safety is to brainstorm all the possible ways to handle a variety of scenarios. For example, you can ask your teen, “What if…?” and describe a scenario or a situation he or she might encounter when out with friends, on a date with someone new, or when out with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Another way to prompt discussion is to bring up events that have actually happened, for example, a news report or the experience of a neighbor or a friend. Without having a predetermined right or wrong answer, you can brainstorm together all the possibilities for handling the situation. Similar discussions can take place after seeing a movie, a television show, or something your teen has seen and is curious about.
Another kind of awareness—self-awareness—involves knowing what we want and don’t want, what we like and don’t like, what is important to us, what our values are, and what motivates us. Developing self-awareness is as important for teens as it is for adults. Parents can help children gain self-awareness by talking with them about what they believe, what they care about, and what they value. If we are intent on imposing our values on our children, we keep them from developing their own values and learning to think for themselves. It is important to support teens’ sense of autonomy in order to encourage them to think, choose, and make decisions for themselves. They can be encouraged to think about the different ways to handle love and sexual relationships, what the consequences are of each, and how they can decide what is best for them in a relationship. They need to know that they have real choices about the way they will lead their lives.
Assertiveness is an important skill in preventing violence. In rape situations, for example, assertive responses have proven a successful self-defense technique in the majority of resisted assaults. Assertiveness is the ability to exercise one’s own rights while respecting the rights of others. Being assertive means communicating exactly what you want and don’t want, standing up for yourself, and stating your opinions, thoughts, and feelings without abusing others.
Developing assertiveness skills can be as challenging for adults as it is for teens. One mother reported to us, “I realized that I would do anything to defend my children, but I could not imagine standing up for myself. I had to take a long, hard look at the values I was taught.”
This mother was also referring to the values taught in a society that defines assertiveness according to stereotyped expectations of masculine and feminine behavior. When boys learn to behave in stereotypically masculine ways, they feel that they are supposed to be aggressive and to expect to get their way despite how anyone else feels. When girls learn to behave in stereotypically feminine ways, they feel that they are supposed to accept what others want from them, to be passive, and that it is selfish to be direct about what they want. With these kinds of expectations, neither boys nor girls learn to be assertive.
Boys and girls must learn the differences between passive (under-assertive) behavior, aggressive (over-assertive) behavior, and assertive behavior. Parents can help teens develop assertiveness skills by pointing out these differences and by demonstrating assertive behavior. They can also encourage their teens to communicate assertively with family members.
Passive, or under-assertive, people tend to make excuses for their actions and behavior and often speak in a soft, inaudible voice. They apologize for what they are about to say, and they are afraid to disagree with others. They have trouble saying no when someone wants something from them. They frequently blame themselves when something goes wrong, and they may look away from the person they are talking to. They give mixed messages about what they want or what’s bothering them. They focus too little on their own wants and needs, and focus more on the wants and needs of others.
Aggressive, or over-assertive, people often don’t allow others to speak, and act overbearing and intimidating. They yell or speak loudly and blame others when there is a problem. In a conflict or a disagreement, they frequently take the offensive without listening to others. They ignore other people’s needs or wishes, and they sometimes resort to verbal abuse or physical violence when they don’t get their way.
Assertive people communicate their feelings clearly and state their opinions directly. They look directly at the other person and give honest feedback. They give clear messages with their words as well as with their body language. They do not attempt to control or manipulate others. They accept the consequences of, and responsibility for, their assertiveness. Assertive people recognize that openly expressing feelings and opinions to others is risky, and they choose to behave either under-assertively, assertively, or aggressively according to the particular situation.
Teens can learn to decide what the most appropriate response is in a given situation. Deciding when to be assertive is as important as knowing how to be assertive. Sometimes it may be necessary to de-escalate an explosive situation by replacing an assertive response with an under-assertive one. Sometimes it may be necessary to change from an assertive stance to an aggressive one—to protect oneself and get away from a physically violent situation, for example. It takes practice to develop assertiveness skills and the flexibility to use them well.
Encourage your teen to take a self-defense course to develop assertiveness skills. A good self-defense course trains people to prepare for and to be able to think in dangerous situations. In addition to teaching safety strategies and physical self-defense techniques, these courses help people to develop their awareness, to assess a situation, and to make good choices.
You can practice the following technique: Ask your teen, “Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no?” Describe some of your own experiences. Discuss how you felt afterward, the feeling that “I should have said [blank].” Practice with each other, describing what you might have said or done if you were given another chance in each situation. Don’t worry about whether your teen comes up with the “right answer.” The point is for your teen to practice effectively articulating what he or she wants or needs.
Strangers quickly become acquaintances in social situations, and teens may wind up “dating” someone they barely know. When they know a person, however superficially, teens might ignore their instincts or let their guard down. Guide your teen to understand that in a social situation, it is wise not to assume that he or she is safe.
Unfortunately for today’s teens, due to the prevalence of dating violence and date rape, prepping for a party or date involves more than choosing an outfit or doing their hair. They need to be aware of the potential risks in each social situation and take precautions. Make sure your teen knows about the following tips for safety in social situations, whether meeting new people or going out with someone they know well (and might trust). These precautions are important even when going out with someone they have been dating for a while.
Social networking is a popular form of communication for both teens and adults. Parents often use it to keep in touch with their children for safety reasons, to communicate about changing plans, and to know where their children are and what they are doing. Teens are connected to one another, and to the larger world, via digital technology. Even though teens easily navigate the digital world, they have limited maturity and life experiences, so they are susceptible to getting into trouble with these ever-evolving ways of socializing. Preteens and teens often have boyfriends or girlfriends they haven’t met or talked to in person. It is more challenging for parents to pay attention to this aspect of teens’ lives because using technology to socialize is less visible to parents.
Parents’ involvement in their teens’ use of technology evolves as their children get older. As soon as teens start using social media, parents must talk to them about its benefits and risks, and monitor their use of social networking sites as they learn to use those sites. Discuss good judgment, what it means, and the consequences of using poor judgment. Here are some other tips for technology safety: