Victor has been stepfather to Emilia, fifteen, and Gloria, twelve, since he married their mother, Rosa, five years ago. Emilia was just starting to date, and Victor and Rosa were worried she was in a situation that she was too young to handle. Victor describes the situation as follows.
I didn’t like Thomas from the beginning. Why would a twenty-three-year-old guy be interested in a fifteen-year-old girl? He could only want one thing. Emilia was head-over-heels crazy for him. Her mother and I tried to give her rules. She had a curfew; no calls after 9:00 p.m.; she could only go out one night a week. She kept defying us. She climbed out the window to be with him.
Then we decided this was crazy, and we let him pick her up at the house. At least she wouldn’t keep sneaking out.
Then one day he picked her up, and I heard yelling outside. I went out, and I saw Thomas yelling at Emilia, trying to push her into the car. She was scared and didn’t want to get in the car. I headed toward them, and I saw him grab her arm real hard. I was livid, and I got in his face. ‘You want to hit somebody? Hit me!’ Rosa called the police. That’s how we found out.
On top of everything else, this guy had been pushing Emilia around and threatening her all this time. He hadn’t punched her or anything like that, but he was always scaring her and manipulating her, playing mental games. For the next couple of months, things kept escalating as we tried to keep her away from him. We even thought of sending her to Mexico to live with her grandmother for a while.
Then we realized this wasn’t working. We couldn’t keep her under lock and key, and it was consuming us. We didn’t do anything as a family anymore. We were so busy policing Emilia, we were missing Gloria’s soccer games all the time. Gloria was upset and moody, and she began acting up to get our attention. Rosa and I were always fighting about what to do about Emilia.
So we decided to get off the rollercoaster we were on. We had to slow down and get our minds off this. Rosa and I talked. We realized we had been so busy fighting Emilia, we hadn’t even noticed that she had pushed away not only us, but also her friends. Her life was falling apart. We decided that every week we were going to do something as a family, and also take time for ourselves. We started to take time out to talk with Emilia and Gloria more. We were determined to have fun again. For the first time in months, we went to the movies. Sometimes Emilia would come with us, and sometimes she even enjoyed herself. No matter what, we went to Gloria’s soccer games. We even arranged to go away for a weekend.
Victor is convinced that this was a turning point in his and Rosa’s ability to understand and protect Emilia and their family from the chaos caused by Emilia’s relationship with Thomas. He also believes that after this, Emilia began to notice the effects of her relationship on her family, and tried to slow things down with Thomas. Emilia continued seeing Thomas, although he became increasingly violent. She tried to break up with him twice, and a year later, she made the final break.
We often overlook the impact of our “quieter” actions. The drama of your child’s situation can make you feel you are doing nothing if you are not directly confronting the violence or physically moving your child away from the abuser. Or the drama may make you feel frozen and passive, unable to think clearly and take any kind of action when you need to. We believe that quiet, positive actions, far from “doing nothing,” can have a positive impact. These are times when, alert and aware, you are able to gather, use, or share information.
Whenever you can, get off the rollercoaster for a moment. When you feel overwhelmed with pain or fear, take a deep breath and have a quiet conversation with yourself. Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can.” Tell yourself, “Quiet moments are as important as dramatic actions, and right at this moment, I am doing a great deal.”
Quiet moments with your child can create space for loving gestures and expressions of appreciation. They can allow you to connect or communicate about aspects of your life together that have nothing to do with violence. They can give both of you strength.
The way you manage your reactions and make decisions about your actions will influence the rest of your family, including the teen who is being abused. At times, dramatic actions can be effective. At other times, silence is most effective. Your intense reactions can motivate you to be alert, think creatively, and act quickly. It is important to plan and to take major steps when needed to keep your daughter safe. It is important to be ready to act when necessary, or when your daughter is ready.
Your observations will help you figure out what your child needs from you, and your heightened awareness will help guide your decisions and actions. Quiet comments about your observations help your child know that you see the abuse that is going on. Such comments give your child a chance to look at the situation as you might see it. An empathic comment is nonconfrontational. For example, “Toni, I noticed that when you told John you were going to study with Linda tonight, he accused you of going out with some guy. It must be upsetting when he gets so jealous.” A statement like this accomplishes three things: (1) Toni knows that you are aware of what’s going on; (2) she feels that you understand; and (3) she is allowed to feel upset about John’s jealousy, even if she was about to minimize and deny it. An additional statement of encouragement can strengthen Toni’s ability to resist John’s controlling jealousy: “I’m pleased to see that you are going to study with Linda for that exam tomorrow, even though John is angry with you. It’s so hard to decide to do something that might upset him.”
Similarly, an expression of concern based on your observations can go a long way. “Toni, I’ve noticed that in the last two days John has been mean and texting you a lot. You seem upset after you get his texts. I’m worried about how he affects you. You’re so anxious.” This allows Toni to know that you know what’s happening and care about her, and to notice for herself that John’s mean talk has an effect on her.
Reach out to your other children as well. Assume they are affected by the disruptions caused by their sister’s violent relationship, even if they don’t express it. Make sure they understand why you are upset, and help them cope. Talk to them about what’s happening using words that they can understand at their age. Help them express their feelings about their sister and, if appropriate, her boyfriend.
Asking and listening are quiet, positive actions. Seeking information requires asking questions and listening carefully to the answers you receive. Ask your daughter about what is happening to her, how she perceives it, and how she feels about it. Try not to accuse or challenge her, or require yourself to do anything about what she is saying (except to ask questions and listen to her answers). You may learn a great deal.
By passively listening and saying nothing, you demonstrate support and acceptance of your daughter, but not of the violence. This type of “potent nonverbal message” communicates acceptance and fosters constructive growth and change. For example:
Parent: “Toni, you look upset.”
Teen: “I am upset. John gets so jealous! He doesn’t want me to study with Linda tonight!”
Parent: “Oh?”
Teen: “He can be so mean! He actually thought I would lie to him and go out with somebody else.”
Parent: “I see.”
Teen: “He doesn’t trust me. I hate it when he doesn’t trust me. He’s making such a big thing of this. Maybe I shouldn’t go to Linda’s.”
Parent: (Silence)
Teen: “I don’t know how to make him trust me.”
Parent: “That’s hard.”
Teen: “He has to believe me. I can’t deal with this. I’m afraid I’m going to fail my exam tomorrow. I have to study with Linda tonight. She said she’d help me. John will just have to believe me. I want to pass this exam. I’m going over to Linda’s.”
In this situation, the parent’s ability to listen without judgment—and with implicit acceptance and support—allowed Toni to express her feelings, to think about the problem (trust), and to make her own decision.
When you have the opportunity, ask your daughter’s friends and other people who see her with her boyfriend to tell you what is happening. If they are reluctant to tell you what they know, ask them again. Let them know that you are worried about your daughter, and that they might be able to help her if they confide in you.
They may be relieved that you asked. They may have been afraid to take the initiative to tell you because they didn’t want to betray your daughter. After ending battering relationships, several girls have told us that they were relieved their friends told their parents about the violence, even though at the time it made them mad. Often the friends didn’t know what to do and felt burdened with the responsibility. People at your daughter’s school—teachers, nurses, counselors, or the principal—may know about the violence, but don’t tell you because they assume that you also know. By openly asking about it, finding out whatever you can, and making connections with others, you make it possible for everyone in your daughter’s life to work together to help her.
Gathering information from all kinds of sources and becoming as informed as possible are other forms of quiet, positive action. You are already doing these things by reading this book. Gather information from the Internet, other books, and videos and television shows. Search the Internet under such key words as “teen relationship abuse,” “teen dating violence,” “safe breakups,” “safety planning,” “domestic violence,” or “parents of abused teens.” Contact your local domestic violence program and hotline for information to help you begin to develop strategies for your particular situation. Talk to a domestic violence advocate. They are available to your daughter, to yourself, or to the abuser. In many states, like California, domestic violence advocates receive specialized training and certification.
Often the information you obtain is not immediately useful but will prove useful at some point later on, and you will be prepared when you need to be. The story that follows illustrates the importance of gathering such information.
Joan’s daughter, Trudy, recently broke up with her boyfriend because he was possessive and had beaten her up. He was harassing her by showing up at work and threatening her. The first time Joan called the police, they did not intervene because they didn’t think there was enough evidence of an assault. Then Joan went to the police again, not to make a report, but to get information about what she could do. She talked to a helpful detective who told her about a prior arrest of her daughter’s boyfriend for beating up another girl. She also got information about what the police need to make an arrest. The next time she called to make a report, she was better equipped to convince the police to take action.
Getting help for yourself is also important. You cannot go through all of these crises alone. Your child is in danger, you are deeply affected, and you need to talk about it. You are limiting your effectiveness and undermining your strength if you keep the abuse and your feelings about it a secret.
If both you and your spouse are present and involved in the life of the child who is being abused, it is essential that you support each other. You also need support from family members and friends. You might consider getting help from a counselor, a domestic violence advocate, or a support group. You may already have thought about counseling for your child. How about counseling for yourself and/or others in your family who are being affected by the violence? See the resources section of this book for hotlines and organizations that can help.
The constant ups and downs of your daughter’s relationship have a negative impact on your family. To get off the rollercoaster, you must set boundaries to limit this impact.
When you find yourself rushing to rescue or punish your daughter, stop and ask yourself, “What am I doing? Do I want to police my daughter every minute to make sure she does what I want her to do? Do I have to stop everything and respond this minute? Am I being effective?”
You are not being effective if you allow the chaos of your daughter’s relationship to control you. You don’t have to be thrown into a crisis every time she is. Rather than over-react or become over-involved, you can choose to (1) limit your availability to being drawn into the crisis beyond the point that you can be effective, and (2) set clear expectations and consequences of your daughter’s behavior. By setting limits, you also make room for maintaining other relationships in the family.
Paula and her husband, Frank, had experience with setting limits. As Paula said, “There’s a limit to how much I will allow my life to be disrupted. There are times when you have to walk away and go on about your life.” Paula and Frank were able to have a relationship with their daughter, Sandy, seeing her every day, living in the same house, without being totally controlled by Sandy’s boyfriend, Alan, and his drug abuse and violence. Sandy knew what she could expect from her parents and saw Alan away from their house. She knew that she could live in her parents’ house, but they would not allow Alan to be part of their lives or to come into their house.
There are several elements to effectively setting limits with your teen. You can let her know what is expected of her and why, and what she can expect from you. The expectations must be realistic and clear, and they must focus on specific behavior. The consequences if she does not meet your expectations must also be clear, logical, and natural. Of course, you must be able to follow through with the consequences, provided they fit logically with the expectations. For example:
Parent: “I expect you to be home by midnight or to call by 11:30 from wherever you are.”
Teen: “I can’t control when we get home. It’s up to Bob.”
Parent: “You are responsible for getting home on time or calling. Do you mean that you can’t come home because Bob won’t let you?”
Teen: “Why do you have to make so much trouble? Can’t I just go out and have fun? I don’t want Bob to get mad.”
Parent: “Are you afraid to make Bob mad? Is that why this is upsetting you?”
Teen: “Yes. I wish you didn’t have to get so worried.”
Parent: “Let’s see how we can work this out so that you can be home on time. If we do not hear from you or see you at home by midnight, we will worry. We will be awake and assume that you have been hurt. I will call Bob’s house, the hospital emergency room, and then the police to try to find out if you have been hurt. You have a couple of choices. If you like, I will tell Bob that I take this seriously, and that I expect him to. Or I can pick you up at midnight. Are there any other ways to make it possible for you to be home on time?”
Teen: “If he won’t bring me home, can I call you to come pick me up?”
Your tone of voice during this exchange is crucial. It reflects your attitude, and it can make the difference between sounding firm and sounding punishing. It can also make the difference between conveying the message “That is my limit” and the message “I dare you to push me past my limit.”
When parents are distressed about their children’s behavior, they often focus on the problem behavior, and teens tune out. Abused teens need encouragement and reminders of their strengths. To foster a positive interaction, use comments that are specific to the situation. For example, “You were so clear in that phone call to John!” or “I appreciate that you have been doing the dishes in the middle of this turmoil.” Comments like these are more effective than general positive comments such as “You are so beautiful.”
It takes time to effectively set limits and follow through on them, especially if you have not used this approach previously. Allow yourself time to practice and be patient.
Anger is a common, natural reaction, especially when your child is being treated badly. Anger can signal you to pay attention when something is upsetting or threatening. It can also be an overpowering emotion. Often parents and siblings, especially fathers and brothers, experience an intensity of anger they have never felt before. It can be frightening, both to yourself and to others who are afraid of what your anger could lead you to do. Dealing with anger can become a problem in itself. When your anger controls you, you can’t think or act clearly, and you can’t be helpful to your family. Anger can magnify and compound the other problems of dating violence.
The Cabrillo family experienced this problem. Family members were so afraid of how Mr. Cabrillo would react to his daughter’s abuse that they didn’t tell him about it for five years, when his daughter was out of high school. He said, “It was difficult for me. I didn’t find out about it until two years before it ended. My wife needed my support, but I couldn’t give it to her because I didn’t know what was going on. When I did find out, I was furious. I challenged her boyfriend. I wanted to see if he would do the same thing to a man. I started to do the very thing that they were afraid I would do.”
When one person in a family is controlled by his or her anger, the whole family can get pulled into escalating tension, fear, and violence, mirroring that of a battering relationship. The family focus then turns away from the victim and toward the potentially violent family member. Many parents have told us that this has been one of the most frightening aspects of the way their teen’s battering relationship has affected the family.
This fear became a reality for Julia’s family, which was torn apart when her seventeen-year-old brother, Anthony, killed her boyfriend, Ernie. Anthony had become enraged at Ernie for beating up his sister. Anthony was convicted of first-degree murder, and it was considered premeditated because he went looking for Ernie after he saw Julia’s bruises and black eye. Anthony said he intended only to scare Ernie, to get him to leave Julia alone. But he lost control and stabbed Ernie to death.
We can feel angry without going out of control, being reckless, or becoming verbally or physically violent. Strong emotions need to be taken care of and released somehow; suppressing anger can be unhealthy. It is important to find healthy ways to express and handle your anger while you feel it. You have choices about how you deal with your anger, as well as what to do to contain it rather than let it escalate. For example, if you are angry and more likely to unleash your anger in destructive ways after you have been drinking, then it is important to make the choice not to drink. Mixing anger with alcohol or drugs is dangerous.
Without outlets for your anger, it builds up. A buildup of anger activates your body’s nervous system, flooding you with stress-response hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. Notice how your body reacts to anger, and then choose how to respond in a healthy way. The simplest technique is to take deep breaths and to pay attention to your breathing rhythms. Deep breathing helps to calm the nervous system. Another technique is to use physical outlets for the tension associated with anger: for example, physical work (such as yard work), running, batting baseballs or hitting tennis balls, or practicing martial arts. Some people find they can release their anger by going somewhere by themselves (perhaps to the bathroom) and yelling. These are all safe outlets for expressing anger.
Distractions can help too. Give yourself a break from the situation and focus on something else. Do something to take care of yourself and calm down. When you feel your anger building, you can do something to cool off, such as taking time out from an intense conversation and doing something else. Some parents find that taking a walk, writing, keeping a journal, listening to music, meditating, or praying helps to calm them. Other parents choose activities that distract them, such as hobbies, cleaning, cooking, or going to the movies. Try to find your own way to relax or calm yourself.
You can also use your support systems to help you deal with your anger. Talking and venting with a friend or a family member can help. Family talks about the situation and discussing feelings about it can be constructive. You can use an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) approach by seeking support when you feel you might lose control. For example, you can arrange to call a friend (the equivalent of an AA sponsor) anytime you are afraid you are going to lose your temper. The friend can help you talk through what you are feeling and help you find alternative ways to handle your anger without hurting yourself or someone else.
Another way for family members to help each other deal with anger is to make a plan to ensure that everyone can vent their anger safely. Anytime a family member feels overwhelmingly angry, or anytime an incident occurs that triggers anger in all of you, you can do the following: Give each person four or five minutes to vent their feelings while everyone else listens without commenting, other than with noncommittal responses. This means not taking each person’s anger personally, but simply listening. This technique can leave everyone free to problem-solve.
It may seem odd to be reading about how to manage your anger toward someone who, because of that person’s inability to manage his or her anger, is hurting your family. But it is important to manage your anger so that you don’t escalate an already tense situation.
We have been discussing managing anger on an ongoing basis over a period of time, which is necessary if a battering relationship is prolonged. But how can you manage your anger in particularly explosive incidents? If you are in an argument with someone, or face-to-face with someone who is being defiant—either your teen or the batterer—what can you do to de-escalate the situation?
There are several ways to approach someone who is argumentative and explosive so that you are not provoked into losing control over your anger. Sitting down is less menacing than standing up, and it can defuse the confrontation. Do not respond to baiting or argumentative comments; let the other person vent until he or she is worn out. To do this effectively, do not disagree or argue, but respond by acknowledging the other person’s feelings: for example, “I know that makes you mad” or “That’s really terrible.” If you disagree with what the person is saying, acknowledge that you understand how he or she feels, and save your feelings for later.
Respond in a quiet voice. Do not attempt to be heard over the other person’s yelling by shouting. A softer voice invites the person who is yelling to stop and listen. You might ask the other person to sit down or to take a walk while you talk. Never get in a car with someone who is in a rage. If the person tries to leave, let him or her go. Don’t corner or restrain them. Don’t try to touch or enter their physical space, even to try to calm them down. You can only do this when the tension is winding down.
Let the person cool off. It is essential that you resist your own urge to blow up or to insult the person. If you feel your own anger escalating, take deep breaths, silently count to ten, come up with an image of a peaceful scene—whatever you can do to keep yourself from losing control. Sometimes walking away or leaving can cool down an explosive situation, but sometimes it can escalate it. Use your judgment. If you do walk away, tell the other person that you are taking a break to cool down and will be back to talk again later.
These techniques apply to an argument, not to a violent situation. Once physical violence starts, you must focus on your own safety and forget about trying to do anything else. If you are a parent of an abused teen, you might help her learn the previous techniques to help her de-escalate a confrontational situation. She may need to examine ways in which she contributes to escalating the situation rather than taking care of her own safety. It is natural for someone who has been abused to get angry, and because it is often dangerous to express anger directly, the anger can build. But if your teen’s anger builds and then explodes, she may not be in the frame of mind to make wise choices about how to deal with that anger safely. This can trigger an escalation of the batterer’s anger to the point that your teen gets hurt. For example, if the batterer is enraged or tense, and your teen gets “in his face” and escalates the argument, then she is not taking care of herself. If she doesn’t allow him to cool off or leave when he needs to, she may be endangering herself.
This doesn’t mean that she provokes violence. She has no control over whether or not he becomes violent, but she can be as careful as possible not to be in his “line of fire.” In a battering relationship, it is usually not safe for the victim to express her anger directly. In a healthy relationship, there is room for arguing and disagreement without fear, control, intimidation, threats, and beatings.
Parents can discuss with their teens ways in which they can protect themselves, and how to handle their anger in situations in which they could be hurt because of the threat of violence. Although this does not stop the violence, it does help to manage incidents that have the potential for escalating into violence.
You and your spouse or partner may not agree about how to handle day-to-day conflicts with your teen and her boyfriend. Talk to each other. Try to come to some understanding about how each of you feels. Try to accept one another’s feelings and limits, validating the struggle each of you is going through. Try to give each other breaks from the tension and take turns interacting with your daughter and/or her abusive boyfriend. Take turns taking the lead in solving problems that arise. If you are divorced, you may need to focus extra attention on setting your past or current conflicts aside in order to be on the same page concerning your child’s abusive situation.
If you are the spouse of someone who needs help managing his or her anger, or if you are frightened by the other person’s anger, assess the situation. Does (or would) he or she act on their anger in a way that hurts someone? If not, allow their feelings to be expressed. If your spouse’s anger is potentially harmful, however, set limits regarding your tolerance of his or her behavior. For example, you can say, “I understand how angry you feel, but you must stop this. You can’t blow off steam this way. Everyone’s afraid of what you’ll do. You’re making the situation worse.” Of course, this won’t work in the middle of the person’s rage when he or she can’t listen. At a quieter time, apply the techniques for managing anger described earlier in this chapter.
When you are not having a problem or conflict, make an agreement that either you or the other person can ask for a time-out when one of you feels too upset to talk about a problem in a constructive, respectful way. Commit to continue the discussion when the upset person is calmer. The “appointment” to return to the discussion is an important part of taking a time-out.
Then, when a difficult conversation or conflict comes up, either person can say, “I need a time-out” and take a break to calm down, prepared to continue the discussion later. The time-out shouldn’t last more than a couple of hours, unless there is a good reason to resume the discussion after a longer time.
Steps for taking a time-out:
a. Have a positive talk with yourself. For example, you can say to yourself, “I want to solve this problem,” “I’m glad I stopped before saying something I’d regret,” or “I know we can work this out.” Avoid negative thinking that stops you from getting calmer. Switch to positive thoughts.
b. Do something to physically calm and cool yourself down. For example, take a walk or run, listen to calming music, sit quietly in a room with soft lights, do twenty minutes of breathing and stretching, or take a hot shower.