So far we have focused on breakups where the abuser has gotten worse, not better. In some cases, however, the person who uses violent behavior realizes he has a problem and gets help to stop the abuse. This can happen to anyone who has used violent or abusive behavior—male or female. There are several common motivations for an abuser to make a change like this. He may be afraid he’ll lose the relationship. He may realize he has an alcohol or drug problem, get sober or clean, and find out he can control his violent behavior. He may get arrested, severely injure his girlfriend, lose access to his child, or for some other reason be forced to face the very real consequences of his violent and/or abusive behavior. If he has been arrested, he may be ordered by a judge into a counseling program and learn he can change the way he treats his girlfriend. Something might change for him, on his own or in the relationship, and a long period might go by during which he finds he can calm himself and prevent his violent outbursts. The change can be permanent if the abuser is willing to transform the way he functions in relationships.
The longer and more frequently batterers have used violence in the past, the harder it is for them to stop. For this reason, younger people, especially young adults, have a better chance of stopping their violent behavior than do older people who have more entrenched patterns. Stopping one’s own violence means being constantly aware of one’s potential to use violence—in a current relationship or in any other relationship in the future. People who use violence to control their partners must take responsibility for how they handle situations, circumstances, or conditions that might trigger their violent reactions. They must also learn how to be a partner in creating a healthy relationship and to give up their need for control of the other person.
Because of the possibility that the abuser could resort to violence again, you, your daughter, and her boyfriend will need to keep the same safety plans in place. This is not to minimize his progress toward not using violence. Rather, this is to provide a realistic support system that reduces the risk he will disappoint everyone and hurt his girlfriend by using violence again. Your daughter may go through changes in her behavior and responses as well, making her better able to take care of herself and raising her expectations about how she wants to be treated. She will need support to sustain these changes. The couple will feel watched by you and others. Explain to them that it is normal for you as parents to be paying attention and to have expectations that the relationship will be free from abuse. Everyone will also need to pay attention to triggers and work to prevent relapses.
People can stop being violent. To do so, they must continue to be aware of their feelings, their triggers, and the circumstances around them so that they can deal with these feelings and situations in alternative, nonviolent ways. They can establish prevention strategies for themselves, such as having people to call or a place to go to cool off if they feel enraged.
A batterer may find counseling helpful to support these changes. Even if specialized help is not available, most cities have counseling programs. Group counseling, batterers’ intervention programs, and anger management classes can be especially effective. Alcoholics Anonymous, substance abuse groups, and other self-help support groups assist with accountability and conscientiousness in maintaining changes. The next chapter provides more information about counseling resources.
The teen or young adult who has recognized the seriousness of his problem with violence must acknowledge his responsibility for his behavior and make a commitment to change. You can look for evidence that the teen is committed to change and willing to be accountable for his behavior by seeing if he
Before assuming that the violence has stopped, consider the possibility that it might have become hidden. If the violence has truly stopped and the couple continues to see each other, you may feel relieved that things have changed for the better. You may find that when your daughter’s boyfriend has his violence under control, he can be a pleasure to have around. But what if you don’t feel relieved and continue to feel uneasy? Do you notice that although the physical violence has stopped, the other controlling patterns in the relationship continue? While you are relieved that your daughter is not being beaten, are you concerned that she is still being emotionally abused or sexually assaulted? Your daughter and her boyfriend may be experiencing an extended reconciliation and feeling hopeful, but the potential patterns of intimidation, isolation, and control may continue. Although the physical abuse might have stopped, the emotional and sexual abuse might be continuing. If this is the case, your daughter is still in an abusive relationship. As we discussed earlier in this book, emotional abuse is also a serious problem, and it can have a devastating effect on its victims.