November 1939
As I crossed the threshold of the bride school, I felt just as nervous as the day I descended the train from Teisendorf and entered Uncle Otto and Aunt Charlotte’s household. The worn suitcase was long gone and my dresses were far smarter, but my worry stone still weighed down my little handbag as though it were a cannonball instead of a few mere ounces of rose quartz.
I’d tried leaving it tucked in the back of my drawer, but more and more I was compelled to feel the surface, smooth from years of worry, of the stone between my thumb and forefinger. Each time I glided my fingers along the surface, I felt myself chanting a prayer. Mama, keep me safe. Mama, get me out of this place. But these were prayers that could not be answered. As the iron gates clicked behind me, it was plain there was no escape for me.
The villa on Schwanenwerder Island was just as luxurious as Friedrich had claimed. It was newly built and designed specifically to teach young women like me to be the perfect German bride, the prefect German wife, the perfect German mother. The building was designed to be light and full of air. To bring in the verdant landscape of the island and the wholesome sounds of the lake. But with light come shadows.
A maid showed me to a foyer and whisked my case away to the depths of the building. She gave me no instructions other than to wait, and I felt dwarfed by the vast empty room. I pulled my green tweed coat close around me.
“I’ll show you to your room,” an imposing woman said without preamble, gesturing for me to follow her. She was tall and broad-shouldered, dwarfing me in size. She used our time walking to the room to lecture me about how to make the best use of my time at the villa. I was to learn how to be the spiritual leader for my family, but to follow my husband in all things.
I ascended the staircase beside the head matron—Frau Scholtz, as she introduced herself—and watched as our dark figures entwined on the walls as we walked past. The wooden floors gleamed with polish and there wasn’t a speck of dust to be found. There was no sign of life beyond the writhing of our shadows on the corridor wall. We stopped at one of the doors and she opened it with a key from a large ring at her waist.
“Here you are, my dear. I trust you’ll be comfortable. The captain asked that you have a nice view and some privacy, so I’ve ensured you have a lovely view of the lake and gardens.”
I crossed the room and peered beyond the heavy drapes. The trees were thick around the villa as well as around the rest of the properties on the island. I could make out the rather exotic thatched roof of the adjacent house, but aside from that, it would be easy to think the villa was the only house for miles. Beyond the trees, Lake Wannsee seemed to stretch on like an ocean, with gentle waves that ushered in a cool breeze all year. I could almost imagine salty sea air, though we were miles from the ocean. If it had been summer, it would have been paradise itself. In winter, it was moody and gray, and hopelessly beautiful.
“It’s lovely, thank you,” I said, giving her a genuine smile. This might be endurable. The room was small but nicely furnished. I’d expected something more like a dormitory, but this was closer to the feel of a small, quaint hotel. A subtle smell of coffee and toast permeated the air, though it was long past breakfast, mixed with the gentle perfume of cut flowers.
“You take your time settling in. Luncheon won’t be for several more hours.”
She took her leave, the door clicking behind her as she left. My case had already been placed on the chair by the bed by some efficient maid. I removed my suit jacket and heels, attempting to breathe for a few moments before having to mingle with people at mealtime. I turned my attention to the bouquet of flowers on the desk and noticed a card from Friedrich.“May your time here prepare you for a life of service to the Fatherland.”
I put the note back next to the cream-colored hothouse roses and gardenias that probably cost a king’s ransom. No mention of love or our impending nuptials. It was all about the country, the party, the Führer. There was no room for romance in this.
Perhaps it was just as well that I couldn’t be certain of how I felt for Friedrich. It put us on equal footing. He reserved his affections because he was devoted to his cause and I because I was unready to bestow them on anyone.
I lay down on the bed, a million thoughts crossing my mind. What on earth did this school plan to teach us? Would Aunt Charlotte be able to pull off a wedding to her standard in two months’ time or would I get a reprieve? Would Mila find Mama’s medical texts in my wardrobe and report them to Aunt Charlotte and Uncle Otto?
If the marriage to Friedrich happened, and it seemed I had little choice in the matter, what would remain of me?
There was a knock at my door and I sat up, wiping the haze from my eyes, and crossed to answer it.
“They told me you’d just arrived!” Klara said, sweeping me into her arms. “I’m so glad you’re here. You have no idea, but you’re the answer to all my prayers—if I made any, that is.”
“I had no idea you were coming, too,” I said, melting for a moment at the relief of seeing a familiar face. “How long have you been here?”
“Since yesterday,” she said. “And it’s dull as a hundred-year-old garden hoe. I’ve never been happier to see a person in my whole life.”
“So you’re engaged?” I asked. “No one told me.” Much had happened in my short university career, and keeping tabs on Klara hadn’t really been possible.
“Well, it was rather sudden. Ernst was a good friend of the man I was dating when you went off to uni. We went on a double date, and it was clear I was better suited for Ernst and Georg was better for Ilse. Ernst met with my father not long ago and things fell into place. I imagine Georg will propose to Ilse any day. It’s a shame she won’t be here, too. She’s lovely, really.”
“Your head must be spinning. But are you happy?”
She paused a moment. No one asked these things anymore. “Oh, well, he’s nice enough. Not bad to look at. Promising career. He’s no Captain Schroeder, mind you, but it’s an eligible match.”
A few months earlier, I would have asked her if she was certain about this man and if she was ready to make such a momentous decision, but it would serve no purpose to ask the question now. If she was here, the marriage was as good as consecrated. “I just hope he knows what an incredible match he’s made and spends enough time thanking his lucky stars that he ever crossed your path.”
“Oh yes. He’s as devoted as a lapdog. It’s much nicer to be venerated than loved.”
We collapsed into giggles on my bed. “I missed you, Klara. I laugh a lot less when you’re not around.”
“We’ll have to make sure our husbands are chums so we can raise trouble together. Houses side by side and raising our babies like brothers and sisters. All of that.”
That future shone like a glimmer of sunlight on the lake as I pictured it. Companionship. Purpose. A pleasant life. I could survive it. I wouldn’t be happy. I could imagine myself drowning the tedium of my daily life in something the way Aunt Charlotte lost herself in jewels, furs, and fancy clothes. What would it be for me? Gardening? Charity work for a cause Friedrich approved of? Surely I could find something.
“So what is it like, this school?” I asked. “I can’t get into my head what it is I’m supposed to do here.”
“It’s not fascinating stuff. Housekeeping, baby rearing, gardening, and such. But the girls are nice enough and the instructors are kind. It’s not as prestigious as your university, mind you, but it’s not like the BDM where the matrons fancied themselves drill sergeants, either.”
“Well, that’s something, I guess.”
“And given who you’re engaged to, you’ll be treated like a Hollywood starlet. They’ll love you just like everyone else does.”
“Do you?” I asked. “After all that happened, I wasn’t sure you truly cared to see me again.”
“Listen, I’m not proud of the things I said. I was being petty. But I hope you’re not given to grudges, and that you’ll forgive me.”
“I just wish I understood it,” I said.
“It seems like everything happens for you. You waltzed into Berlin, charmed everyone, became the darling at BDM, and won Friedrich’s heart all before you’d unpacked your suitcase.”
“That’s never how I intended for any of this to happen. Honestly, I try to look back over the past year and I can hardly recognize my own life.”
“Well, I suppose turmoil and war makes all our lives seem a little eerie, but you’ve come out on top every time. I’ve been trying my whole life to be the daughter my parents wanted, and I’ve been one big disappointment after another. Until very recently, at least.”
“You’re witty and vivacious and everything a person could want in a daughter. If they don’t see that, they’re fools.”
“I wasn’t an asset with the party. But now Ernst has taken a liking to me, and I’ve met with their approval in some estimation at least. Poor Mama acts like I’m going to botch it somehow. As though if I say one wrong word or make one clumsy gesture, he’ll forsake me.”
“It’s exhausting,” I agreed. I got enough of the same treatment from Aunt Charlotte, and she was, in her way, a thousand times kinder than Klara’s mother seemed to be.
“By God it is exhausting,” she said, leaning her head on my shoulder. “A good mother would tell me that I’d be well rid of any suitor who scared so easily. But not my mother. She’ll peck at me every second until the wedding. Probably during and after, too. ‘Stand straight, Klara. Men don’t like girls who slouch.’ ‘Be careful not to spill, Klara. Men don’t like sloppy girls.’ ‘Don’t talk too much, Klara. Even if he seems interested. Men don’t like chatterboxes, no matter what they might say.’ But truly . . . that isn’t the type of man he is.”
“Well, you’ll be able to move out of her house and start your life anew. And it sounds like this Ernst just might prove himself worthy of you. But I truly am sorry if I ever hurt you.”
“You really are an angel, aren’t you? You never did a single thing designed to hurt me, but you’re apologizing to me for my petty behavior.”
“Still, if I hadn’t come along, you’d have gotten your prize.” God, please, I thought. If only they’d married before I came along, I’d have been spared so much, and she’d be happier. He’d probably be happier with a wife like her than one like me, too.
“Unlikely. He was only interested in me until someone more elegant came along. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else. And to be honest, I never wanted Friedrich on his own merit. I only wanted him to please my parents. That isn’t fair to him, now, is it?”
“I’m sure your Ernst is a much better match,” I said. “And that will count for far more in the long run.”
“Let’s hope you’re right,” she said. “Thank you for forgiving me for being such a chit. I promise it won’t happen again.”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I said. “But promise me what you said before. The houses side by side. Babies. All of it.”
She held up a pinky and I encircled hers with mine. “It’s a deal.”
“It’s the only way I can imagine surviving this, Klara. Truly.”
“We’ll get through this together,” she said, her tone uncharacteristically serious. “If we can’t have the lives we want, we’ll carve out the best version of them from the lives we’re given.”
“I’m so glad,” I said, the looming tears now giving up their pretenses and spilling over onto my cheeks.
“Come now, I won’t let you languish in the misery of housewifery. We’re both too interesting to meet such a fate.”
But were we? When I thought of Aunt Charlotte’s friends, all so polished and poised, but seemingly vapid and uninterested with anything beyond the tiny sphere of their lives, I wondered if they weren’t as vibrant as we were once upon a time. Were they really devoted to the idea of tying their entire identities to their families, or had they dreamed of other things? Were they future doctors and dancers, architects and businesswomen who had been forced to put their dreams aside to meet with the expectations placed on their shoulders like a yoke?