January 1939
Aunt Charlotte, to her credit, didn’t gloat when she picked me up from the train station. She looked as though my return was just on schedule and nothing was amiss. I wondered if Papa told her what I’d been up to with the Romani family in Teisendorf, but decided he would have probably kept the information to himself. He wouldn’t want to further jeopardize my chances with Friedrich. He wouldn’t risk Uncle Otto and Aunt Charlotte refusing any further hospitality because of what he considered to be my foolish devotion to my mother’s calling.
I had no idea how Vano was faring, nor if I would ever find out. I could only hope that he would pull through with the help of Pieter’s medicine and the loving attentions of his mother and sister. I couldn’t ask Papa or anyone else in town to check on them. It was becoming clearer to me that no one could be trusted. Aunt Charlotte embraced me like the prodigal, but as the driver sped through town and she chatted to me merrily in the backseat, I had never felt more alone in my life.
“I’ll let you lie down, dear. We have company coming later this evening,” Aunt Charlotte said as we walked into the cavernous entryway.
“Would you mind too much if I just took a tray in my room?” I asked. “I really don’t feel equal to company.”
“Friedrich is coming especially to see you. I’ll send Mila to you at seven. Dinner is promptly at eight.”
There was no gentle suggestion in her tone. No sugarcoated coercion. It was a command.
“I trust you got your wanderlust out of your system, dear. We’re all going through hard times, but we mustn’t make things worse for ourselves. And don’t wear that dress again unless you’re called on to scrub some floors.”
She left me no time to respond to her orders. She spun on the ball of her foot and walked off toward her quadrant of the house with her heels making a businesslike click-clack click-clack across the marble floor of the foyer as she went off to her private rooms.
Going to see Papa had been a mistake. I gained nothing apart from the knowledge that I was well and truly without allies. Mila and Klara were wonderful girls, but would they truly protect my confidences if the need ever arose? Mila’s loyalty, ultimately, had to lie with Uncle Otto and Aunt Charlotte. They paid her wages and gave her lodging. She couldn’t afford to cross them. Klara would never cross her parents—who would never cross my aunt and uncle.
I wanted to hurl myself on the bed and cry as I’d done upon my arrival and so many times since. But that time had passed. I had to come up with a plan to evade Friedrich long enough to strike out on my own. If I had to serve in a beer hall or make beds in a hotel, so be it. It didn’t seem too far-fetched to think I could find work as a secretary in some humble office somewhere. I paced and paced the room until the grooves in the carpet might never rebound. I began to notice subtle differences in the room. Mila had certainly been in to clean, which wasn’t unexpected, but all my personal effects were shifted slightly. Aunt Charlotte was the likeliest culprit as Uncle Otto wouldn’t involve himself in the nitty-gritty of the handling of me. I’d taken Mama’s medicine bag with me to Teisendorf, knowing it was the most damning thing I owned. I couldn’t trust she’d think it was just an old piece of luggage and not worth her notice. But she’d probably rifled through every drawer, every nook, to see if there was any correspondence or anything that would indicate something untoward. Most noticeably, my engagement ring was no longer in the jewelry box, but beside it. A reminder.
Mila arrived promptly at seven, precisely as I expected. I had actually laid out a dress for the occasion. Powder blue and modest. It made me look young for my years and I hoped I could turn that to my advantage. “You’ve kicked a hornet’s nest,” Mila said as she finished the long row of buttons up my back.
“That bad?” I asked.
“Your uncle cursed a blue streak when he heard you’d gone. It took your aunt an hour to calm him down. And though she’s as composed as they come, I could see her seething. They’re worried the captain will think you’re flighty and too attached to your parents.”
“He needn’t worry about that. Papa made it quite clear I’m not welcome back any time soon. I have nowhere to go but here.”
“Well, if you want my advice, such as it is, you’d act penitent. As though you didn’t realize the inconvenience you’d caused. You’re young and they can overlook a bit of selfishness, I suppose.”
I contemplated her words. “Penitent? I’m not so sure. Perhaps I should act as though it were preposterous that my going back home for four days would even really be noticed. I can’t be the only newly engaged girl who takes a short holiday to see her family.”
Mila cocked her head to the side in a way that seemed to convey, Give it a shot if you like. I’ve heard of worse ideas. Just not many. I hope you live; I’m rather used to you by now.
It was a gamble, but one I had to take. If I came off as meek and repentant, I’d never be able to wield any power on my own. What I needed was time. Before leaving the room, I slid my engagement ring back on my left hand. I refused to look down at it.
I looked very much my age, if not younger, when I greeted Friedrich, Aunt Charlotte, and Uncle Otto in the dining room. It was the opposite strategy to what Aunt Charlotte had done at the Christmas party, deliberately choosing clothes that made me look like a woman well into her twenties.
“I trust you had a good holiday?” Friedrich said, placing a kiss on my cheek.
“Oh, yes. So good to see Papa. I worry about him there all by himself, you know. He’s not used to it.”
“He’s hired a woman, hasn’t he?” Uncle Otto interjected.
“Well yes, but that’s hardly the same as family, is it?” I said. “And it seemed like a good time to go. I wouldn’t want to get too far behind in my studies.”
“Our Hanna is such a diligent student,” Aunt Charlotte said, motioning for us to sit down. “Always so concerned. And to think she’ll be free of it all in just a few short months.”
“Frau Hoffman thinks I should sit for entrance exams to the university,” I said, playing a card I knew she would dislike.
“University?” Aunt Charlotte asked. “I don’t think there’s any need for that.”
“Really? When I’ll be expected to entertain and charm so many important people at Friedrich’s side? There are only so many ways to make a conversation about the weather all that interesting. I assumed the good captain would want a wife who could be a true conversationalist.”
“There is truth in that,” Friedrich said. “But I’m not sure a formal university education is called for.”
“Quite right. Why take a place that could go to a man if you’re going to be married so soon after?” Uncle Otto said. “Much better to be settled and learn as you go.”
“Of course, it’s as you wish,” I demurred. “But I’d hate to be thought of as the young, stupid wife when so many of the other women in your circles are so much older and more accomplished.”
A hush fell over the table. “She makes a point,” Friedrich said. “And some of them can be rather merciless to those they consider to be their inferiors. It’s something to consider.”
Aunt Charlotte’s expression fell, but she recovered it quickly.
Not a word was said about my willful departure to Teisendorf, but there would be no earrings or bracelets to reward my “performance” at this dinner. And I could do without them.
Aunt Charlotte and Uncle Otto left Friedrich and me alone in the drawing room once dessert was concluded. The privilege of engagement, I supposed.
“Your trip was unexpected,” he said after a long pause. “I wasn’t sure what to make of it.”
“What was there to make of it?” I asked. “I wanted to tell my father the news of my engagement personally. To see how he’s faring. As I said.”
“In the future, you will talk to me before making such plans,” he said.
I said nothing, but my gaze never wavered from his face.
“You think I’m a brute, don’t you?” he said.
“I think you’re very used to having your own way. I also think you make little attempt to see things from my point of view.”
“I want you to be happy, Hanna. Truly.” His face radiated sincerity. For all his brash behavior, I think he meant it.
“Friedrich, I’m eighteen years old. I can’t possibly know what would make me happy.”
The truth.
“I wanted to . . . well, apologize for the way things happened at the party. I indulged in too much champagne and let my baser instincts take over.”
I raised my brows. I had not expected such an admission from him. He seemed the sort that was too proud for anything like an apology.
“I never imagined that moment to be . . . quite so . . .”
“I know. It was beastly of me. I’ve chastised myself at every moment since that night. In truth, I was worried you’d gone to Teisendorf to escape me.”
He was canny, I had to acknowledge.
“Perhaps you do need some time. The university might not be such a bad idea. You’re smart and would make good use of your time there. It could be a good investment of time and resources.”
“I think it is,” I said. “I don’t want to be an ornament on your arm, Friedrich. I want you to be proud of me.”
It was true as well. I couldn’t bear to be a decoration to be paraded around. And I hoped Friedrich had enough substance within him to want more as well.
“We can discuss it further,” he said. “I think I’ll leave you to rest after your day of travels.”
“Thank you, Friedrich.”
He leaned in to kiss me and I found myself responding more enthusiastically than I had in the past. Not because I wanted Friedrich, but because I’d bought myself the gift of time to find a way out.
For once, I felt a glimmer of hope.