August 1939
Klara sprawled on my bed with a French fashion magazine as I organized the new clothes Aunt Charlotte had bought me to wear to university. My aunt wasn’t pleased that I was going, but she was determined I would be the best-dressed girl on campus. Where Klara had gotten the magazine, I didn’t know. It was becoming harder and harder to access any foreign press. But Klara’s father had connections and was high enough in the party’s hierarchy that no one would question his daughter having access to a few French magazines. The same leniency wasn’t afforded to the rest of the rest of the country, but Klara didn’t seem too fussed by the ethical inconsistencies as long as she got her copies of Vogue.
We weren’t as friendly as we’d been, but her mother was keen on the connection between our families, and I couldn’t say I minded the company.
“Your aunt has good taste,” Klara said, looking up at the piles of wool and tweed I was transferring to the closet. I’d rather have been packing them into a suitcase to study in Frankfurt or Freiburg, but that had been asking too much. I would study in Berlin and stay with my aunt and uncle, or I wouldn’t study at all. It seemed like a compromise worth making. “My mother would have picked the dowdiest things in the shop. She’s impossible.”
“Well, soon you’ll be able to dress as you please, won’t you? This new beau of yours is sure to propose and buy you anything you set your heart on. Not to mention you can make your own things.” Klara didn’t seem particularly keen on the new young officer that had shown interest, but she welcomed his advances. I gathered she thought she would be a more enticing catch to someone more appealing if there were other men in pursuit.
“That does help,” she admitted. “But who knows. This one may turn out to be a dud, and I may yet get stuck with one of the men who actually likes the flowered peasant look that’s being pushed.” She waved my own copy of NS Frauen Warte in the air. The pages were filled with articles on how to keep husbands happy, how to rear healthy children, and how to maintain a perfectly ordered home. The women were, almost as a rule, tall, blond, without a trace of makeup, and in the dowdiest clothing I’d ever seen in print. I’d been given a copy each week and Aunt Charlotte tried to stealthily ask questions about its contents to see if I’d been reading. I made at least an attempt to glance at the articles so I’d be prepared for those little sessions, but I was never very interested in articles about keeping house and serving Germany.
“I doubt it. Any man who takes a fancy to you would have better sense.”
“We can hope.”
“What will you be doing now that school’s out?” I asked. She’d spoken about the end of her studies as if it were a liberation, but had yet to mention any real plans.
“I’m helping my mother with her duties at the Women’s League. Being charming for male dinner guests until one asks for me . . . you know.”
“I’m sorry you can’t come to the university with me,” I said. “We’d have so much more fun together.”
“I never even bothered asking,” she said. “I’ve heard the word no before.”
“They might have surprised you,” I said.
“Not all of us are as used to getting our own way as you are, Hanna.” She sat up on the bed. “I know you’ll do well at university. You’ll earn top marks and make loads of interesting friends. Just remember that it means far more to you than it does to your aunt or uncle or Friedrich. If they think it’s turning your head or that you’re losing sight of what they think is important, you’ll be yanked out of classes before you know what’s happened.”
“I’ll toe the line,” I said. “I already agreed to the course of study Friedrich preferred. I wanted to work toward my degree in biology. He insisted on German literature.”
“He’ll never give you the chance to be a doctor anyway. Might as well give the spot up to a man who will use it.”
I bit my tongue, but hated that she was right. And Germany needed all the doctors it could get. They would never let me be one of them.
“Just promise me you’ll be smart. And safe. I can’t say more, but just know that there will be trouble if you cross the wrong line.”
She embraced me and left, citing a need to help her mother with some urgent task pertaining to a Women’s League fund-raiser. Aunt Charlotte would surely be involved, and I was grateful that preparing for my studies was giving me a reprieve.
I heard a knock at the door as I finished putting the last of my new clothes away and was surprised to see Friedrich on the other side when I opened it.
“Your uncle said you were home,” he said, kissing my cheek. “I thought it might be a good time to bring these by.”
He presented me with a stack of books written by the German masters with two wrapped parcels on top. He gestured for me to open them. One was a sturdy cordovan leather portfolio for note-taking, the other a sterling silver fountain pen with gold accents. My name was skillfully embossed on the portfolio and engraved on the pen.
“Those books were some of my favorites. I look forward to discussing them with you. And I thought every serious student needed the proper tools for note-taking.”
“Thank you, Friedrich,” I said, clutching the portfolio to my chest. Of all the gifts I’d received since I’d arrived in Berlin, these were the only ones that touched me. “They’re lovely.”
“I’m glad you like them, darling,” he said. He slipped the portfolio from my hands and pulled me to him. He’d learned to temper his advances in the months since Christmas. He wasn’t insistent, but gentle and tentative. He’d refrained from taking full liberties since then, and it made things a little more bearable.
“You know how sorry I am about how I behaved at the party all those months ago?” he whispered in my ear. His fingertips glided down my spine, causing my whole body to tingle as he caressed me. I couldn’t speak, but nodded. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me with the eagerness of a man denied for many months. He’d not accepted Aunt Charlotte’s veiled hints for him to spend the night and see the negligees she’d bought me.
“I want you to be happy, Hanna. Truly. I want you to learn and understand the works of the great men who came before us. To understand why we fight for the Fatherland. I want to build something great with you. A family that will be the pride of Germany. That can’t happen if you’re miserable.”
“Thank you, Friedrich,” I said, returning his kiss. “I just need time.”
“Then time is what you’ll have,” he said. He pulled me taut against his body and laced his fingers in my hair before lowering his lips to mine once more.
I felt him unzip the back of my dress, but this time, there was no brutish force. There was no hurried rending of fabric. He caressed me slowly until I wanted his caresses as dearly as I wanted the very air in my lungs.
He stepped back and removed my clothes as gently as if I were made of porcelain. Unable to resist the pull of his desire, I removed his clothes as well.
His movements were slow and deliberate, taking his time as he savored me. I was able to relax in the moment and enjoy his embraces, though the worry of conceiving a child still nagged in the back of my head. For all of Friedrich’s promises, a child would force him to break them all.
We lay entwined for what seemed like hours. His breathing was deep and contented as he drifted in and out of sleep. In this moment of peace, I was able to admire the beauty of his chiseled features. The curl of his lashes. The boyish pout of his bottom lip when he slept. He truly was a thing of beauty. And that he desired me should have filled me with delight.
At least in that moment, it didn’t fill me with dread. And for that evening, it was enough.